Half the Fun

The Googlebet II

2012-01-27T16:34:00.000-08:00

I did this once before, back in 2008, when the world was a different place*. But I think it's time to revisit, so here you are, for the second time: The most commonly searched words as predicted by Google's autofill function for each letter of the alphabet.**

A is for Amazon

B is for Best Buy

C is for Craigslist

D is for Dictionary

E is for ESPN

F is for Facebook

G is for Google***

H is for Hotmail****

I is for Illinois lottery*****
J is for Jewel Osco******
K is for Kohls
L is for LinkedIn
M is for Mapquest
N is for Netflix
O is for Old Navy
P is for Pandora
Q is for Quotes
R is for Redbox
S is for Southwest

T is for Target

U is for United Airlines
V is for Victoria (sic) Secret
W is for Walmart
X is for X Factor

Y is for YouTube

Z is for Zillow

So, what does the vast database that Google is maintaining on you tell them that you would like to see when you search the letters of the alphabet?

*Not really.
**Unchanged terms are marked in a tasteful mauve.
***Wait, what?
****Wait, what?
*****I should point out that my work computer believes it is in North Chicago, which I'm starting to suspect is influencing these results
******See above.

Experiment: Soup

2012-01-24T15:52:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't occasionally look at the assembled goods in their kitchen and pantry and think, "What the heck, I'll make soup"? Sane people, probably. But they're missing out.1. Assemble the ingredients

Two half-empty bottles flat beer, 1/2 package salt pork, 1/2 bundle dinosaur kale, 1 shallot (purchased), container of lentils, 2 cartons expired chicken stock (1 opened, partly used), salt, pepper*

2. Brown the salt pork

Should have cut it smaller.

3. Chop and add the shallot.

I love shallots. They're like the onion's younger, cooler cousin.

4. Add the beer.

Why not?

5. Add the stock, bring to a boil, then add the lentils.

These steps are not very visually interesting. Also, I definitely should have cut the salt pork smaller.

6. Chop and add the kale.

Looks like we may have a problem here.

7. Get another carton of stock out of the cupboard and add that.

That's better.

8. Cook until it seems done, adding salt occasionally. Serve and eat.

Tasted much better than it looks. Needed more salt.

*Didn't end up using the pepper.

Zero Points For Originality

2012-01-22T15:45:00.000-08:00

Guess who's got a new letterpress app and a team in the playoffs?

Update: Dammit.

You Paid What?: The Most Expensive T-Shirts on the Internet*

2012-01-12T17:18:00.000-08:00

Whenever anyone wants to make fun of designer-pricing excesses, they always go for the easy target of super-expensive t-shirts. So I thought, hey, why should everyone else be having all the fun?

Just Cavalli t-shirt, $175

Not only is it insanely expensive for what it is, it's also-- bonus!-- stunningly hideous. And it's on sale!

Earth t-shirt, $425

The only possible reason you could have for purchasing this is that you don't understand decimal points.

Fendi t-shirt, $790

Cute! And so perfect for those days when you don't want to get all dressed up, but still need to spend at least a grand on your outfit.


Givenchy t-shirt, $785

Recently, I was asked why I didn't feature more men's clothes here, and I was forced to admit that there seemed to be fewer stupid clothes for men available, to much smugness. Well, I take it back.

*That I could find with about twenty minutes of looking.

Celebrity Cook-Off: Don't Call It A Recap

2012-01-09T17:02:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am watching this show. No, it is not good. It's so not good, in fact, that it's kind of great. It's like a post-bankruptcy Nicolas Cage movie-- reeking of make-a-buck desperation and gleeful disregard for the taste level or intelligence of the audience. (Anyone who has seen Ghost Rider knows exactly what I'm talking about.*) The producer manipulation is beyond blatant, with the eliminations having essentially nothing to do with performance in the challenges and, with a couple of exceptions, there is no pretense that any of the contestants on this cooking show know anything about food. (For example, in a salad-making challenge, the instructions explicitly included "You must make your own dressing." One of the contestants, who may have never been to a restaurant for people who actually eat, panicked because she didn't know if the judges preferred their dressing on the side.)

These all sound like criticisms, and they are, but the truth is that after spending so much time getting frustrated with "good" reality shows that succumb to false drama and manipulation, it's kind of refreshing to just hop on the treadmill and spend an hour watching borderline-celebrities** pretend to care about their charities while angling for their own Food Network shows. You can't even feel bad for the hosts, since it's not like Rachel Ray or Guy Fieri had any culinary cred to begin with.

I'm not bothering to recap the episode, because really, why? (If you're interested, the eliminated contestant was the current Miss USA, who claims to "love desserts" despite looking like she is composed of pipe cleaners and low-fat tape.) Instead, I would just like to make a few observations, like Lou Diamond Phillips is apparently living in an alternate dimension where he is a major movie star (while acknowledging that no one recognizes him from any film made in the last twenty years). Or that Coolio still wears his signature spiky dreads, but now only so that they stick out through his hat, leading me to suspect that the hair might have more attachment to the hats than his actual scalp, if you know what I mean.

Can I recommend it? Well, no, not in good conscience to most people. So I'll just point out that free episodes are available for streaming here, and let you do with that information what you will.

*Can you believe they're making a sequel? I'm so excited.
**Defined by Cameron as "People who are more famous than I am."

Ugly Clothes for Rich People, Holiday Sales II

2012-01-04T16:47:00.000-08:00

The holidays are over, but the supply of expensive ugliness on sale is endless. If you are a stupid rich person who is not quite as stupid and/or rich as your compatriots, this is the season for you.

Comme des Garcons jacket?, $777.59

Perfect for achieving that effortless look of someone who put on one sleeve of her jacket, then tore the other one off and tying the rest into a kind of matted backpack-knot.

Elisanero oxfords, $199.19

For the woman who believes you are never truly dressed without at least one item of clothing that makes you look like a cartoon hobo.

Maison Martin Margiela top, $266.39

"I'm molting! Molting!"

Stella McCartney cashmere jogging pants, $502.19

There is nothing I can say here that will be funnier than the description, so I'll just repeat it: Five-hundred-dollar cashmere jogging pants.

Ugly Clothes for Rich People, Part Post-Holiday Sales

2012-01-03T16:45:00.000-08:00

Times are tough all over, and even wealthy idiots are feeling the need to cut back on their hideous-clothing budgets. So let's see what they'll be saving on, in order to have more money to spend on fur-lined beer cozies for their caveman-themed Superbowl parties.*

*Note: I was just going to do one of these, but I found so much material just in the first store I was looking that I think I may stretch this out over the whole week. Unless I forget.

KORS Michael Kors boot, $416

In theory, I am in sympathy with rejecting the idea that a woman must shave every bit of hair off her body to be socially acceptable. In practice, I think there might be better ways of making this point during the winter.

Dior ankle boot, $1050

You know what I want my feet to look like? Hooves. Giant, beige hooves. With buckles.

Giambattista Valli dress, $2397

"Excuse me, ma'am, I think your skirt is blebbing."

Roberto Cavalli caftan, $1326

Who knew that those guys who sell carpets out of the back of a truck at rural intersections were actually on the cutting edge of fashion?

Nicholas Kirkwood bootie, $1031

Get yourself a couple of pairs of googly eyes, and pretend you're walking around with your feet stuck into Grimace's head!

Prada tote, $4185

You can not call yourself a true fashionista unless you have spent upwards of four grand on an item that no one will believe you didn't just pick up at a church rummage sale.

Alexander McQueen jacket, $1604

You know what they say about a man with huge, awkwardly-placed pockets: That he has giant hands and very tiny arms.

New Year's Cheese

2012-01-01T15:18:00.000-08:00

You know what's better than going out on New Year's Eve? Staying home and eating cheese:

Top row: Cowgirl Creamery Wagon Wheel, Blue Stilton
Bottom row: Hirtenkase, Cypress Grove Humboldt Fog, Cave Aged Gruyere
Not pictured: Brillat-Savarin

With the brand new set of cheese knives you got for Christmas:

I'm still not totally sure what the big one is for.

And do you know what's even better than staying home and eating cheese with your new cheese knives, and also quite filling? Staying home and eating graavlax and caviar on blinis* made by Cameron:

It's bad form to sneak too many bites of caviar when someone else is busy cooking. Or so I've heard.

And don't forget the creme fraiche:

It's white sauce!**

Of course, now one may be left of the problem of a great deal of leftover cheese (see above).***

This is what I would call a "manageable problem."

*Modified recipe, because the yeast part seemed like too much work. Basically, pancakes with buckwheat flour, and delicious.
**No, I don't get it either.
***Except for the Brillat-Savarin (not pictured).

Best "Best of 2011" Lists of 2011

2011-12-31T17:59:00.000-08:00

10. Best Celebrity Mug Shots
I can't decide which is my favorite: The Smashing Pumpkins bass player who was booked for her horses getting out, or Andy Dick being arrested for public intoxication at a Marie Callendars.

9. Best Pieces of Random Inspirational Pablum, As Chosen By Their Writer
Or, rather, by the person who flipped through a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul and picked out her favorite cliches.

8. Best Table Tennis Shots
With jaunty Christmas music!

7. Best Professional Wrestling Moments
Will any of us ever forget where we were when the Ring of Honor went National?

6. Best Parliamentary Brawls
Pound-for-pound, a better fight deal than anything you'll find in the Ring of Honor.

5. Best Celebrity Twitter Feeds
2011: The year celebrities finally realized their true potential and cut out the middleman in sharing their embarrassing gossip with the world.

4. Best Dentists of Greater Washington Area
Although, at a total of 298 entries, I'm a little concerned about what you had to do to be left off the list. Leechings?

3. Best Lingerie Collection
A little something for the gentlemen. . .

2. Best Ryan Gosling Moments
. . . And for the ladies

1. Best Hats
Just to top it off.

Happy New Year!

Ugly Clothes For Rich People Part IIX

2011-12-15T13:04:00.000-08:00

All footnotes, all the time! These garments can't decide what they are, and I can't decide how best to insult them.

Opening Ceremony coat, $375

It's like a mullet, if the principle behind a mullet was "business on top, Yeti from the shoulders down."*

Dolce & Gabbana hoodie, $489

It's a sweatshirt that was wearing a sweater when it (the sweatshirt) was exposed to gamma radiation, causing it, the next time it got angry, to rip through its sweater with a cry of "Rah! Sweatshirt smash!"**

James Long shirt, $1,235

"Wow, Aunt Mavis, this is really. . . a shirt. I had no idea you had taken your macrame hobby so far."***

Ancien Regime pants, $337.50

Bell-bottoms or knee-skirts? You be the judge.****

Stella McCartney jumpsuit and skirt, $9,950

It's not one, not two, but three hideous outfits in one! And all for no more than what you'd pay for a late-model used sedan!*****

*Apparently, the designer heard that shoulders were hot this year, and seriously misinterpreted.
**It's always a good idea to be wearing two sweaters, in case the first one is eaten off your body by a surprise swarm of high-speed moths, as this gentleman is demonstrating.
***"I'm so glad you like it. And you can save on closet space, because you can tie the bottom together and hang it in the living room with a plant in it!"
****And jury. And executioner.
*****The best part is that they're selling it as a wedding dress.******
******No, wait the even better best part is the suggestion that you "lose the skirt and rock the lace jumpsuit during the reception." You know, as one does.

Celebrity Cook-Off: Your Burning Questions Answered

2011-12-12T16:45:00.000-08:00

It has recently come to the world's attention* that Food Network is planning to debut a new show, hosted by Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri, in which D-H level celebrities compete to see who can get the most screen time while preparing food. Naturally, you have some questions that need to be answered, and that's what I'm here for.**

Q: A show that combines the premises of "Dancing with the Stars" and "Top Chef?" Why hasn't this been made before now?
A: We believe that the program was actually created in 2007 and was accidentally transported to our time when someone dropped a sandwich on the Large Hadron Collider. The downside is that we think the Higgs boson went the other way, and now has a development deal with SoapNet.

Q: Could you use a photo of the hosts to illustrate every element a woman should avoid when choosing a pair of jeans?
A:

Q: What percentage of the contestants use the word "international" in their bios?
A: 50%

Q: In what percentage of the countries of the world, on average, would these "celebrities" be recognized?
A: 0.006%

Q: Is Coolio involved?
A: Of course.

Q: What is the predicted number of "munchies" jokes that will be made relating to Cheech Marin's presence, in the premier alone?
A: Our statisticians attempted to answer this question, but were forced to suspend their calculations when the computer they were using became suicidal.

Q: Which of the contenders includes in her bio the least impressive blow for gender equality ever made?
A: That would be onetime-Olympian-who-no-one-has-really heard of Summer Sanders, for this gem: "...becoming the first female game-show host on Nickelodeon by hosting Figure It Out..."

Q: How many of the contestants have starred in a direct-to-video movie about killer mutant bats?
A: One.

Q: Do any of the "charities" supported by the contestants seem to be transparent attempts by a once-famous performer to supplement his income?
A: "Joey Fatone will be playing for the Fatone Family Foundation. "All the money that we gather from different events and stuff that we do throughout the year we distribute to different children's charities.""

Q: He could actually be giving the money away.
A: True.

Q: But it does kind of sound like the "charity" is just his name on a bank account.
A: Charity begins at home.

Q: Is there now or has there ever been a human being more annoying than Guy Fieri?
A: Hard to say.

*I saw an ad for it last night.
**That, and cookies.

Shoefinder: Holiday Edition

2011-12-09T16:45:00.000-08:00

Going to a holiday party this year? You're going to need some shoes. That's where I come in.

For the giant family gathering where you will spend most of the time chasing tiny nieces and nephews around the living room with a nerf gun, because you want them to revere you as the awesome aunt who is both fun and glamorous:

Vera Wang Lavender flats

If your sister-in-law gets annoyed, just point out that she could have fabulous shoes too, if she wasn't spending all her money on child-rearing. Then smile and say you hope they like the drum set.

For the gathering of high school friends/enemies you haven't seen in years, who may or may not still think of you primarily as the person who once slipped on a cafeteria tray and toppled six tables, domino-style, before coming to rest on a freshman (who was a good sport about it, considering):

Loeffler Randall "Zuri"

Fun and festive without trying too hard-- because even though everything else about you has changed, you still don't want people to think you care that much.

For a company party in a hotel ballroom, where everyone stands around talking about whether you'll get acquired and tries not to drink so much that the dance floor starts to sound like a good idea:

Salvatore Ferragamo "Davina"

They say, "I am restrained and professional, and also awesome. Plus, I have very good balance."

For a work party in the company cafeteria, where too much awesomeness would look out of place and you'd rather just be comfortable:

Sofft "Noral"

These are to the previous as Martinelli's sparkling apple juice is to champagne: Nowhere near as glamorous or fun, but sweeter and less likely to leave you feeling painful in the morning.

For "It's Christmas and I want to wear red suede, dammit."

Kate Spade "Thea"

"It's Christmas and I want to wear red suede, dammit, and I have larger and/or wider than average feet."

Stewart Weitzman "Bocelli"

(Available up to size 12 medium in all colors, 10 wide in the brown.)

"I am so sick of everyone wearing red suede just because it's Christmas. Give me some TEAL."

Seychelles "All Dressed Up"

For the times you wonder what sort of serious planning deficit caused the peak party season to coincide with the peak rainy season, and regret that sedan chairs haven't come back into style:

Melissa + Vivienne Westwood "Lady Dragon"

I'm pretty sure that's a Koosh ball on the toe.

For the friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend's "legendary" New Year's party:

Michael Antonio "Thea"

Tall enough and shiny enough to make a memorable entrance, cheap enough to not bother you too much when one of them ends up lost in a neighbor's backyard in the semi-disastrous aftermath of a failed kumquat raid.

For the wild-night-out New Year's Eve you always promised yourself you would have someday:

Nine West Cress

The heel/platform combo means you'll have a chance of seeing over the crowd to catch at least a glimpse of the famous DJ, and the last thing you want is to try and fight your way to the open bar in sandals.

For the moment you realize that partying on New Year's is for amateurs and what you really want to do is sit around at home eating fancy cheeses, drinking champagne with elderflower liquor, watching a Hitchcock movie marathon and admiring your shoes:

Manolo Blahnik "Godichefac"

"What if I'm asked to take part in a beach assault with the Royal Marines?"

2011-12-08T10:29:00.000-08:00

It's the first question* on anyone's mind when faced with the job of choosing a small hatchback. Fortunately, when the fine people at Top Gear do a road test, they do a road test.

*Followed closely by "What if I go to a shopping center** and get chased by baddies in a Corvette?
**Spelling adjusted for regional differences.

Shoesday: Let's Party

2011-12-06T19:54:00.000-08:00

I really need to recharge my camera battery and stop using my cell phone for these.

In preparation for the holiday-shoes-you-should-buy-and-tell-me-about post I am planning for later in this week, I thought I'd share some party-ready boots of my own. These are Sigerson Morrison, from my recent, largely successful quest to buy up all of the shoes that were produced by the original owners/designers, before one of my favorite brands becomes an offshoot of Guess, black suede with handy belts to keep their shoe-pants from falling down. I admit they do not exactly scream "fancy holiday party"*, but that's okay because no one ever invites me to fancy holiday parties anyway.** But with sufficient application of imagination and/or eggnog, I think you could see these as Santa boots, if Santa joined a biker gang and developed an affinity for four-inch heels. And if that's not a party, then I don't know what is.

*Which is good, because that would be awkward in elevators.
**Sniff.

You Payed What? Manly Gift Edition

2011-12-02T11:19:00.000-08:00

Because the Ugly Things For Rich People posts aren't really supposed to be about stuff that is just expensive*, but there are some items that are too stupid to not make fun of on the internet.**

Shipley & Halmos "beer sleeve," $2.50 for 6

By far the cheapest item I have ever posted, and yet, in its own way, the most insidiously stupid. Because yes, it is moderately amusing (the joke, if you can't read the printing, is that it is a paper bag with detailed instructions for wrapping it around a bottle of beer). And as gag gift prices go, two-fifty is not exactly breaking the bank. But that's not the point. The point is that because Shipley & Halmos is a fancy clothes designer, they are able to take some paper bags, print something moderately amusing on them, and sell them at a 30-fold markup. Because now they're fashion!

Best Made axe, $300

This entire shop seems to be aimed at people who have either never heard of a hardware store, or are too afraid to go in them. Is shop class really that traumatic? Look, I am sure that this is a fine axe, just as I am equally sure that it is not 7.9 times better than this axe, which comes highly recommended by people who have actually used it to chop things. Of course, the sellers would argue that you just have to pay more for fine American craftsmanship than for imports from cheaper foreign countries. You know, like Finland.

*I try. I do not always succeed.
**It's the internet. That's what it's for.

Did You Hear That?

2011-11-29T15:46:00.000-08:00

I'm not saying it's one of those kind of days when strange things come wandering out of the mist.

Then again, I'm not saying it isn't.

You Can Go With This, Or You Can Go With That

2011-11-29T10:51:00.000-08:00

And now, for your Tuesday viewing pleasure, some sparkling shoes for the holidays.

High:

Low:

Big pile of no:

A Hundred Acres of Shadows

2011-11-26T18:13:00.000-08:00

(Inspired by a true story. Loosely. With thanks to @bmahersciwriter and Captain Morgan.)

The bear lowered his rotund form into the chair and contemplated his guests.
"Well, gentlemen, I think you know why I've brought you here."
As they protested their ignorance, he slid a stoneware jar across the table and pointed to the label.
"Do you know what that says?"
The rabbit was the first to assay an answer.
"Um, well, it's supposed to be 'honey' but it's not spelled--"
"That's right, honey. And do you know what is actually in that jar? Or, rather, what isn't?" He held up a paw before they could respond. "Never mind, I'm sure you do. I'm sure you are aware that when the boys in my lab ran some basic tests on this alleged top-quality domestic honey you were so good to provide for me, they found that all of the pollen had mysteriously vanished from it."
"There must be some mistake," the owl protested weakly.
"Oh, a mistake?" The bear turned to the small pig who had been sitting in silence to his right
"Mr. Let, these gentlemen think that your boys made a mistake. Do you think that is possible?".
The pig shook his head slowly. "Never. Not a chance."
"Well, there you have it," said the bear. "I have to say, gentlemen, I am very disappointed in you. I have been running this operation under the name of Saunders," he indicated the sign over his head. "For many years now, and never before has this good name been sullied in any way. And now you have put me in the very uncomfortable position of having sold counterfeit Chinese honey to my valued customers."
"I assure you," said the owl. "We would never have--"
"Do you know what the Chinese do to their honey?" the bear went on, unheeding. "They water it down. Replace it with beet sugar, high fructose corn syrup. They let it get contaminated with antibiotics."
"Over in that room," he said, pointing to an interior door. "There is a baby kangaroo in the throes of a serious allergic reaction. He'll live, thanks to my doctors, but his mother is understandably concerned. Have you ever been kicked by an angry female kangaroo, gentlemen? No? Well, I wouldn't recommend it."
The pair on the other side of the desk looked at each other, then around the room for possible means of escape. But there was only one exit to the outside, and the bouncer was blocking it, poised to spring.
"We had no idea," the rabbit pleaded. "We were operating on good faith, I swear."
"Of course you were," the bear soothed. "Why wouldn't you be? Why would anyone take a cheap product and sell it at an incredible markup by claiming it was something else?"
"No," he said, shaking his head. "Of course I believe you. My friend here," he pointed to the donkey at his left. "He always sees the worst in everything, but I believe in fair play."
The bear stood up.
"My friends here are going to take you down to the footbridge over the creek. It would be a good idea for you to go with them quietly. When you get to the bridge, you are both going to jump off on the upstream side. One of you will come out the other side first. And the other one. . . won't."

Ugly Gifts for Rich People

2011-11-23T14:51:00.000-08:00

As Black Friday closes in on us, let's take a moment to reflect on what the more fortunate, and less intelligent, among us are going to have their employees wrapping for them this year.

Gucci hat, $325

"Merry Christmas honey! I think you're a total douchebag."

Maison Frances Kurkdjian bubbles 1.5 oz, $20

Oh for the love of god. Listen, crazy rich people, I am going to try to explain this in a simple enough way that even you can understand: Children do not care about fancy bubbles. They are not interested in the fact that you spent as much on this as twelve bottles of regular bubbles would cost, or that they have delightful notes of fresh cut herbs. In fact, no child has even been interested in any sort of bubbles for more than seven minutes, so you might as well just give up and go buy accessories for your dog.

Jay Strongwater box, $1,400

"Oh, um wow. Thank you."
"It's a toad!"
"Yes, yes I see that."
"And it's also a box! See you can open its back and put something small in it. Like, maybe some toothpicks."
"Yes, it's very useful. And, um, sparkly."
"I knew you'd like it! It was very expensive."

David Yurman bracelet, $595

Things to ask yourself when buying a gift of jewelry for a man:
Is this something he could get for twelve dollars from a vendor on Telegraph Avenue?
Will wearing it make him look like his development arrested at seventeen years old?
Does it cost nearly six hundred dollars?
If the answer to two or more of these questions is yes, put away your credit card and go drink rum toddies until the feeling passes.

Ralph Lauren trinket tray, $250

Because nothing says 'powerful executive' like a tiny silver toilet seat on your desk.

Egrets, I've Had a Few

2011-11-17T13:17:00.001-08:00

Some things look a lot more impressive before you take a picture of them.

Shoesday: Back Down to Earth(keepers)

2011-11-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

(Note on the post title: When I started writing this, I thought these shoes were from Timberland's Earthkeepers collection. They're not, but I forgot to change the title before I posted it. These things happen.)

After last week's flight of fanciness, I thought it would be a good idea to get back to something a little more practical, and less likely to have a bunch of twenty-somethings setting up tents on my doormat.* These are Timberland's "Brattle Hiker," whatever that means** purchased in a surprising burst of sanity and worn on days when I know standing and walking are going to feature heavily in my activities. They're lightweight and waterproof and they might not have salespeople falling over themselves to serve me, but I did run about half a mile from the auto shop to the San Francisco Caltrain station on the first day I wore them, without hurting myself or missing my train. So I guess that's a good metric for shoe quality too.

*Ha! We don't have doormat.
**I suppose I ought to hike in them at some point.

Since You Asked: Dear Lucky

2011-11-13T17:22:00.000-08:00

The following is an actual question from a reader that appeared in this month's Lucky magazine. I thought I'd help out by answering it for them.

Q: So, I just turned 25 and I still have no wrinkles (phew!), but I want to do the best thing for my face to prevent aging. I already wear SPF every day, but I never know what kind of face creams to buy specifically for antiaging. Should I be wearing anti-wrinkle cream, or will wearing it too soon make my skin immune to it in the future?

Dear Person,

I will be happy to answer your question, but first I have to go slam my head in the freezer door a few times. Be right back.
.
.
.
Okay! Right, where were we? Oh yes, your question. Well, as happy as I am for you that you have managed to avoid developing wrinkles at the ripe old age of 25, and that you are taking measures to avoid excessive sun exposure-- that can increase your risk of skin cancer, which some people actually consider to be worse-- I am afraid that there is one key beauty tip you've missed out on. This may come as a shock to you, but the truth is that being a shallow, image-obsessed moron who is so deeply insecure that she is panicking about wrinkles when she is barely out of her teens is even less attractive than someone who might have a couple of lines on her face. For your situation, I would recommend developing a self-image that is not completely dependent on the appeal of your youth, and maybe taking up a hobby. I understand that decoupage can be very soothing.

As far as the second part of your question goes, I am afraid I am not going to be able to answer that in any useful way because it depends on a) the idea that anti-wrinkle creams have any efficacy whatsoever and b) an understanding of the concept of immunity that is so poor that any explanation I attempted would simply bounce off your incomprehension, like pennies off your inevitable facelift. So, in short: No.

All the Best,
Daisy

Recipes For the Lazy and Incompetent: Sausage with Cabbage and Chard

2011-11-10T19:15:00.000-08:00

New feature! Why should competent cooks be the only ones who share their recipes? I have the culinary abilities of a drunk five-year-old who somehow got into the kitchen knives, and the way I figure it, if I can manage to prepare a dish on a regular basis, then anyone should be able to do it. (Fair warning: My devotion to prepared ingredients makes Sandra Lee look like Alice Waters. But what I lack in authenticity, I make up for in pictures.)

So, Sausage with Cabbage and Chard

First, you'll need some sausages. (Chicken-apple in this case.)

Also, some cabbage, chopped smallish.

That's not a knife.

This is a knife.

Use your handy steaming device to steam the cabbage in the microwave for about 6 minutes.

While that is happening, slice and brown the sausage.

And chop up the chard.

Put all of the above in the pan with the sausage. Repeat mantra: "It will cook down."

Because it will.

Add Trader Joe's Soyaki marinade, or equivalent.

Cook some more, stirring when it seems appropriate.

Serve with brown rice, accept no complaints.

Shoesday: The Everyday Louboutins

2011-11-08T20:21:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about secret weapons.

Actually, scratch that. A secret weapon is only useful if you actually use it, and that can get messy. So let's talk about weapons everybody knows you have, which are a lot more fun. Also, let's acknowledge that what we're really talking about are shoes.

Recently, I had a fancy-shoe epiphany*. In a moment of clarity, I realized that, as fun as it is to have beautiful, expensive dress shoes, you** just don't have that many opportunities to wear them. So you end up inventing excuses for overdressing, culminating in the time you show up at work wearing a hat, because you just bought a hat*** and you are suddenly aware that you have no idea where to wear it.

What I'm saying is, fancy shoes are even better for everyday wear. Yes, they are expensive, even if you buy them on sale in Las Vegas and only briefly freak out that someone has stolen your credit card, when in fact you dropped it at the last store, but the price per use is going to be much better than if you spent less on something sparkly. (Not that I have anything against things that are sparkly.) Also, if you have shopped wisely, they should be well-made and nicely balanced, making them relatively comfortable for the heel height. At least these are.

But really, let's not kid ourselves. This post is not about quality craftsmanship or value for money. It is about going out to lunch and having someone recognize you by the soles of your shoes, and it is about walking into any store you choose and getting exactly zero crap from the salespeople, even if you are clearly just browsing to kill time. And it is about feeling like you are fabulous even if the rest of your outfit is from Target, because you know it's true.

We are living in a material world, and I am damn good at it.

*Are there other kinds? I hadn't noticed.
**I
***Actually, three.

Rebel Yell

2011-11-08T15:42:00.000-08:00

Take that, Authority!

Ugly Things for Rich People: Accessories Edition

2011-11-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

It's the accessories that make an outfit. These accessories make an outfit stupid.

Marc Jacobs gloves, $850

I'm not generally a person who will get all frothing-at-the-mouth-y about wearing fur, but honestly: Some poor animal died so that you could go out in public wearing fuzzy fingerless boxing gloves and that render your hands totally useless. I hope you sent some nice flowers to its family.

(See also.)

Benoit Missolin headband, $195

Handy tip: If you are a wealthy older man and your new wife just purchased this on the credit card you gave her, all of your friends are laughing at you behind your back.

DSquared2 scarf, $165

Dolce & Gabbana scarf, $155

This is going to be the primary enduring legacy of the Occupy Wall Street movement, isn't it? The appearance of wealth will become so unfashionable that even people who think nothing of spending over a hundred dollars on a trendy scarf will want one that looks like they stole it off a hobo.

Junya Watanabe scarf, $1,460

I do understand that there are places where "winter cold" means something more than "hey, I can see my breath!" However, I refuse to believe there is any ambient temperature that justifies going out looking like you are in the process of springing fully-formed from the Cookie Monster's skull.

Guiseppe Zanotti sleeves, $245

Are you bothered that so many items of clothing do not come with rhinestone-embellished sleeves? Do your shoulders get unbearably hot while the rest of your arms remain freezing? Do you feel like there is a certain amount of Elvis missing in your life? Will you buy absolutely anything if it's on sale?

Well, have I got a product for you.

Undercover pouch, $435

Yes, I know, the pop art movement was very modern sixty years ago. But don't you think it's time you stopped pretending this sort of thing is 'edgy' or 'artistic' or a commentary on anything, and admit you just spent four hundred dollars for a piece of plastic with a picture of a cookie package on it? The world would be a better place.

Crime Scene at My Fingertips

2011-10-31T11:08:00.000-07:00

I'm not a big Halloween person (Except for the candy. I am definitely a big candy person.), but I came across this nail-polish tutorial and decided to give it a try. I think it turned out pretty well-- the only downside is that occasionally I will be eating something and be briefly freaked out by my nails, before I remember that I painted them that way.

Black and White and Noir All Over

2011-10-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

Penguins: The enlightened suburbanites of the animal world. Community-oriented and conservatively dressed, they moved to a dull, out-of-the-way, but safe, neighborhood for the sake of their children, and the parents take turns commuting to fish. But could there be a dark side to this domestic simplicity? A criminal element lurking in their midst, spoiling a perfect day like a rotting haddock?

Yes. Yes, there could.

(video via The Proceedings of the Ever So Strange)

In fact, I think I feel a new literary genre coming on.

I looked across the hoard and gave a low whistle through my beak. Hundreds of pebbles, probably some of the best in Antarctica, all packed together in one crevice. No penguin had gathered these on his own. We were looking at the results of the biggest organized pebble heist the colony had ever seen.

Tuxedo Joey was defiant.

"I don't know nothin' and you can't prove it," he said. "Everything was like this when I found it."

I looked him over. Joey Tux (as what passed for his friends called him) was a born liar, but this time I believed him. His nests were some of the worst on the ice shelf.

"Fine," I said. "They're not yours. So whose are they?"

"Excuse me," said a soft voice from behind my left shoulder. "I hope I'm not interrupting here."
Joey's eyes went wide and I turned around to look.

She was a female, back early from the hunting grounds, lush and full of fish. Probably the most gorgeous chick I had ever seen, with her sharp orange beak, bright beady eyes and a snow-white belly that curved like the smoothest pebble in the world.

She was as beautiful as a herring and as dangerous as a fur seal.

"Hello, big boy," she said in a sultry chirp. "Nice rocks."

Thurscheese: Pierce Point

2011-10-27T16:20:00.000-07:00

Pierce Point cheese from Cowgirl Creamery

Confession: I did not take this picture. I know this is not the kind of intellectual honesty you have come to expect from this blog, but I think it's time we all lowered our standards a bit. Don't you?

Anyway, one thing that does not have low standards is this cheese. (Transition! I think that went pretty smoothly.) If you had suggested to me that it might be a good idea to take a soft cow's-milk cheese and slap some herbs and flowers on it, I would have smiled kindly and ask who had been mixing your drinks, but the truth is that it really works. It helps that the cheese itself is quite mild, and so are the herbs, so the effect is less a mouthful of greenery than a breath of spring air in a meadow, but without the cow poop. Kind of the same way a good oyster gives you the sensation of tasting the sea in a way that's very different from getting a mouthful of salt water.

Assuming nobody stops me, this is going on the cheese table for the wedding.

Open Letters to Stupid People, Part 3: Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA

2011-10-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA,

I suppose, given that I have already received interesting information on other people's tax returns and loan documents, it was only a matter of time before someone who didn't care to share their actual email address would use mine for a docusign document relating to their car insurance. Still, I find it rather insensitive of you, Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA, that you would let a total stranger know that you wish to exclude Jaskaran Singh from your policy. After all, Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA, that kind of information might be somewhat embarrassing for a person, and it isn't the kind of thing you would want to broadcast to just anyone.

Sincerely,
The Person Whose Email Address You Have Been Using

p.s. I declined to sign the document.

Thurscheese: Tiny brie!

2011-10-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

Trader Joe's is a wonderous place, isn't it? Even stupid impulse buys made in a moment of hunger-driven idiocy can turn out well there. Take this, for example.* If person is shopping for frozen lunches on an empty stomach comes across a bag a of individually packed little cups labeled "brie" and buys them because she thinks that sounds like fun and it gives her an excuse to buy crackers, what she deserves to get is some sort of texture-adjusted processed cheese food product that has been flavored according to what a focus group in Chino thinks brie ought to taste like. No reasonable person would expect to get actual tiny rounds of cheese, but that seems to be what has happened here. And they are delicious.

And just in case you think I'm making this whole thing up and that picture is actually of a regular-sized round of brie and a really large plastic knife, I give you this final proof:

I hope that's settled, then.

*Actually, you can't, because I already ate it.

Ugly Clothes For Rich People: Menswear Edition

2011-10-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

Conclusive proof that having only one X-chromosome is not sufficient to prevent a person from dressing like an idiot.

DSquared2 Cardigan, $765

Layer under a denim jacket to look both stupid and redundant!

Libertine t-shirt, $150

I realize it's some sort of guy thing to wear items of clothing until long after they have developed significant holes in them, but this seems like it's taking things a bit too far.

Veronique Branquinho overalls, $770

The manly style of auto-shop coveralls and the flattering comfort of shorts, together at last!

Neil Barrett vest, $355

"Hey, Chauncy, have you seen the front section of that double-breasted jacket I was working on? I left it right here, next to that pile of things you were going to send to the factory for production, and now I can't find it."

Comme des Garcons dickey, $240

We don't make the shirt. We make the strip of frilly fabric you attach to the shirt. And then we charge you $240 for it.

Ann Demeulemeester jacket, $870

"Oh, honey, that looks so cute on you! Hold still so I can take a picture to send to your Aunt Ann to show her how much you like the jacket she made. Smile!"

Maison Martin Margiela jacket, $1490

What we have here is a demonstration the limitations of the average menswear model. Clearly, this jacket was meant to be worn by the MC for an off-Strip Vegas lounge show, or the guy who tells people on The Price Is Right to come on down.

Yohji Yamamoto coat, $4340

Perfect for that all-important first dinner with her parents!

Balmain t-shirt, $525

I generally try not to list things simply based on price, but honestly, why would you spend more than five hundred dollars on this shirt when you could have this one for a fraction of the cost?

Greg Lauren jacket, $2485

"Dude, seriously, you need to get a new jacket. That thing is embarrassing." "No, it's cool, I just bought this." "You did? What happened to it?" "Nothing happened. It came like this." ". . . Dude, seriously, you need to get a new jacket."

It's Time To Get Things Started

2011-10-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

Muppet Show themed nail polish!

My birthday is next week.

Targeted marketing, meet your mark.

Cat On the Hat

2011-10-01T17:44:00.000-07:00

For the fashion-forward crazy cat lady:

I say, if you're going to do this, you should go all the way and pair it with these shoes.

A Dating Site Even a Führer Could Love

2011-09-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

I'm in a generous mood today, so I'm going to go ahead and assume the principle behind this website is merely another of the seemingly endless stream of increasingly-desperate social networking gimmicks, and not a statement of the belief that relationships only work when they are ethnically pure. Because I guess I can imagine the situation where you have a piece of photo-matching software and want to use it to start a business, and you remember that CSI episode where they said people are attracted to other people who look like them*, and it seems like a really great idea to declare that happy relationships come from people who look alike. And maybe it just never occurs to you to think about what the converse of that statement is: That people who do not look like each other will not be happy in their relationship. And that the world's leading cause of people not looking like each other is being from different ethnic backgrounds. Which is where it starts to get kind of problematic, for me.

On the other hand, if you want to maximize your potential for inbreeding and you don't like any of your cousins, I say go for it.

*It was in the first or second season, I think, the one with the little people.

Coming "Attractions"

2011-09-27T20:47:00.000-07:00

Arriving soon on a blog near you*: Ugly Clothes For Rich People, Menswear Edition

Perhaps you do not think men's clothing offers enough scope for an entire blog post mocking its excesses. Perhaps you have not yet seen the three-hundred-dollar swim trunks with eyeballs on them.

They don't even go all the way around the back! If there's one thing I hate,** it's insufficient dedication to insanity.

*This one.
**There's way more than one thing.

Let's Do Some Math!

2011-09-18T18:08:00.000-07:00

Drugs - People = Money

Drugs - Money = Huffing Whipped Cream Cans at Safeway

(People - Money + Drugs)*Dignity^-1 = VH1

People - Pictures + Words = Newsweek

People - Words + Pictures = Star

People + People = Hell

Money + Money = Problems + Problems

Money + Money + Money = Must Be Funny In a Rich Man's World

Money + Money + Money + Money = Money!

Socks + Boots + Drugs - Money = These.

Wedding Zombie Will Eat Your Brain

2011-09-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

I thought I was safe.

Certainly, I knew I had my vulnerabilities; I had heard its shuffling feet in my brief contemplation of guest favors, and felt its cold fingers when contemplating if it was possible to combine the old/blue somethings into one item. But it wasn't until we completed the budget spreadsheet that the terrible truth became unavoidable:

The Wedding Zombie had gotten my brain.

Wedding Zombie is slow-moving but inexorable. It has no concept of money, knowing only of its relentless desire to feed. And its food is expensive. For example, the food, because the Wedding Zombie knows that even if you have never thrown a party more elaborate than "Super Bowl Potluck," you cannot be allowed to let your guests get away without at least three courses. It is a mindless thing, its consciousness formed by a tightly wound bundle of magazine articles, Barbie outfits, smug criticisms of other weddings you attend, vanities, and "it's just what you have to do." Nothing is examined, because the Wedding Zombie has no brain of its own. All it knows is that it wants yours.

You may think you can build zombie-proof armor out of good sense and strict budgeting, but Wedding Zombie knows your weaknesses. Because that kevlar vest has a hole right where your latent desire to own one fabulous designer dress is, and there's a fine crack in your goalie helmet that runs along your love of cheese, right up to the point where you fantasize about starting the reception with a personally curated cheese table that everyone will admire. And by the time you even realize the crack is there, it's too late, and the Wedding Zombie is already digging in to your hippocampus.

So what can you do? You can try to make a run to the bunker of elopement, but be aware that you may already be infected with latent spores, which will activate when you least expect them and you will find yourself suddenly compelled, well into your retirement, to stage an elaborate faux-wedding charade, depleting your 401k and confusing your grandchildren because you "didn't get to have a real wedding." Or you can fight back with blasts to the head with the shotgun of reality and enlist someone you trust to know you are too far gone and do the humane thing: Take you out back and cut up your credit cards.

Sunday Dinner: An Adventure in Pictures

2011-09-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

Potential new semi-regular feature here, where I demonstrate recipes so foolproof that even I can't screw them up, though not for a lack of trying. Today we're starting with one of my more elaborate attempts: making choucroute garni. Or, as it has come to be known around here, "the big pile of pork" dish. It works as both a hearty dinner and an air freshener, as long as you like your fresh air to smell like cooked pork, amd it's so easy to make that at times it can seem like it would be harder not to make it. Here, then, are the steps:

Step 1:*
Get some potatoes and peel them. I used Yukon golds because I like them as chips.

Step 2:
Cut the potatoes into rough quarters.

Step 3:
Acquire enough cured pork products that you could, if necessary, reconstruct a small pig.

Step 4:
Boil the potatoes.**

Step 5:
Brown the salt pork in a smallish pan.

Step 6:
Roughly chop a large sweet onion (not shown) and add it to the pan you have just taken the browned salt pork out of. Realize that the pan is too small for the amount of onions you have; decide there isn't anything you can do about it at this point.

Step 7:
Own a crock pot. Inherit one if possible, so you can avoid modern annoyances like grounded plugs.

Step 8:
Start layering the ingredients in the crock pot. This is the bottom layer of a one-pound bag of sauerkraut, some of the potatoes, some of the onions and some of the salt pork.

Step 9:
Another layer, mostly onions and pork.

Step 10:
The recipe calls for adding juniper berries, but since I don't know where to buy them, or what I would do with the rest of an entire package of juniper berries when I only make this a couple of times a year, I just go ahead and use a couple splashes of gin.

Step 11:
Pile in the rest of the pork and potatoes. Realize there is not enough space in the crock pot for all the ingredients you bought. Push them down a bit to make room.

Step 12:
Layer the other one-pound bag of sauerkraut on top. Try not to let it overflow too much.

Step 13:
Add as much cheap white wine as you can fit in the space in the pot.

Step 14:
Plug in and let cook. Go to the gym for an extended workout

Step 15:
While you are gone, have your companion notice that despite the fact it has been plugged in for three hours, the pot is not actually in any way hot. Learn when you get back that the reset button on the outlet needed to be pushed, which could only be accomplished by the use of significant force and a pair of kitchen scissors. Thank him, reschedule your timing for dinner.

Step 16:
Regularly mop up the overflow from the pot. Note that, before they cook down, some things seem to need to cook up.

Step 17:
Serve and consume. Enjoy.

Step 18:
Store remainder for later use.

*Anyone caught singing a New Kids on the Block song will be immediately sent to the back of the class. Mary.
**Some of these early steps are not strictly in order. You could easily deal with the pork before the potatoes, for example. But you do need to peel the potatoes before you boil them.

Financial Update for Daisy Johny

2011-09-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Daisy Johny,

Just thought you'd like to know that your loan of 20,900 Rs* has gone through, and your EMI amount is 2090 Rs, according to the loan documents that continue to be sent to my email address, despite it not being yours. And thanks a lot, because despite the fact that I have no obligations to someone who treats me like their own personal spam folder, now you've got me feeling kind of bad about going after a person who would take out a loan for $452.58, repayable over eight months. I mean, not bad enough to not actually write this, but still. We really have to stop meeting like this.

Sincerely,
The (now slightly-conflicted) Person Whose Email You Have Been Using

*Indian Rupees. Currently trading at 46.2 rupees to the dollar.

Ugly Clothes For Rich People, Part VII

2011-09-01T15:05:00.000-07:00

Surprising Fact: In the time it took me to stop goofing off and write another one of these posts, many of the items I had chosen sold out.

Unsurprising Fact: Most of the remaining items have been deeply discounted, making them less hilariously expensive than they were. But I think we can all agree that we can still find better things to spend a hundred and thirty-eight dollars on. Like 414 packs of pixy sticks.

Costume National dress, $265

Ever have trouble deciding which tablecloth to staple to your bra for your big evening out? Don't choose-- wear them all!

Parah dress, $138

Plausible explanations for this dress:
1. Got torn on the way to the photoshoot, photographer too drunk to notice.
2. Prototype torn up by designer in a fit of rage, hilarious series of mix-ups results in it being sent to the factory for production.
3. Retailer told them to "add a slit," were not specific enough about placement.

Yeolee jumpsuit, $165

Sure, it may look like a couple of old table runners and a shower curtain, but that's just because you don't understand Fashion.

Preen pants, $160

I will only accept these if the panels are interchangeable.

Jil Sander dress, $5980

If you buy this, there is at least a 50% chance you would end up wearing the garment bag by mistake.

Comme des Garcons shorts, $165

How does this happen? How does an item like this make it from conception, though design, prototyping, production, model fittings, runway shows and sales calls without anyone taking one look at it and laughing so hard they choke on their own drool and need to go outside for a bit to recover?

How many drugs are these people on?

Open Letters to Stupid People, Part 2: Daisy Johny, Who Is Applying For a Loan In Charlotte

2011-08-31T10:57:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I didn't think this was going to have to be a series.

Dear Daisy Johny Who Is Applying For a Loan In Charlotte,

Did you really think this was a good idea? Do you honestly hate receiving email so much that you would arrange to have your financial information sent to a total stranger, just to keep your inbox pristine? Or are you perhaps just so stupid that when you were typing in the address for where to send your login name and password, you totally forgot to check the spelling?

(By the way, I agreed to the user terms for you. Hope you don't mind. I also set your security question.)

Granted, the bank you chose (Bajaj Finserv) is slightly more attuned to your need for privacy than you are, and they won't give the total stranger you sent your password to total access to all of your personal and financial info, unless she knows your birthdate, which is nice of them. But they did give me your phone number, so I guess I could just call you up and ask.

In short: Seriously. Just accept the occasional email, would you?

Sincerely,
The Person Whose Email Address You Used

p.s. Your loan was approved.

Top Gear's Take Your Car to Work Day

2011-08-30T09:37:00.000-07:00

From the intensely amusing British car show Top Gear (Now on Netflix streaming!), a trip to work in the world's smallest car. I saw this two days ago and it's still making me giggle at random intervals. Particularly at the part where he drives past the newscast.

Astonishing!

You Know How It Is

2011-08-29T19:09:00.000-07:00

A couple of the SOBs I have to work with:

What? It's Monday.

What Would You Name Them?

2011-08-26T12:40:00.000-07:00

I don't have any faith with my ability with fish tanks-- I can barely keep an african violet alive on my desk. But if I did, and I happened to have $350 lying around and some space in the living room, I would totally get this personal jellyfish tank:

Isn't that amazing? Don't tell me that's not amazing.

Department of Story Ideas: The Meat-Eaters

2011-08-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

The Inspiration:
A conversation over lunch during which someone mentioned ongoing efforts to create lab-grown meat. Apparently, it needs to be kept moving by the application of electrical shocks in order to develop properly. You see where I am going with this.

The Story:
As above, with some minor variations. Rather than using muscle cells directly from domestic pigs, the researchers choose a hardier variety of wild boar, genetically crossed with goose for flavor. In addition to the electricity the pieces of meat are given rudimentary nerve systems to increase their mobility and improve their texture and the ability to digest a variety of food sources so that manufacturers can alter the feed according to material prices. Everything is going great, until one night, when the power goes out to the feeding tanks and the meat gets hungry. . .

The Pitch:
It's Jurassic Park meets bacon.

The Tagline:
"Dinner is coming. . . for you!"

Shoesday: For Whom the Belle Ships

2011-08-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

Hey, I said I was stocking up.

Acquired: One pair of shiny black Belle by Sigerson Morrison flats, as a guard against the coming flatpocalypse. They'll be perfect once I add the padded heel inserts necessary for my bony mutant heels from trying to chew their way to freedom, and blisters.

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?

2011-08-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

Science Tip of the Day:

When applied to dry ice, 70% ethanol does not remain liquid.

I does, however, provide you with the means to make the World's Nastiest Snowball.

Science: Providing you with information you can use, but probably shouldn't.

"Fancy": A Revisionist Version

2011-08-11T20:50:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes there's a song you really kind of like, but you can't stand to listen to it because the lyrics are basically about how if you're a poor woman all you're really good for is prostitution? Well, for me, Reba McEntire's "Fancy" is that song. I have to admit, the chorus is very catchy, and she sings it with conviction, but I just can't get past the fact that the story she's telling is basically, "We were poor, so when I was a teenager my mom told me my only chance in life was to sell myself to men, so I did and now everything turned out great." Which doesn't strike me as the most woman-positive message you could send, so I thought I'd try my hand at fixing it up.

Fancy
By Raymond Douglas Davies
(Additional lyrics by Daisy James)

I remember it all very well lookin' back
It was the summer I turned eighteen
We lived in a one room, rundown shack
On the outskirts of New Orleans
We didn't have money for food or rent
To say the least we had no loot
Then Mama spent every last penny we had
To buy me an interview suit

Mama washed and combed and parted my hair
And she told me to stand up straight
Then I stepped into my brand new suit
That was pinstriped and charcoal gray
It was a linen-blend and it fit me good
Standin' back from the lookin' glass
There was a job candidate where a half grown kid had stood

She said here's some nice pants Fancy don't let me down
Here's the number for the jobs board Fancy don't let me down

Mama picked up my new notepad
And she kissed my cheek
Then I saw the tears wellin' up in her troubled eyes
When she started to speak
She looked at a pitiful shack
And then she looked at me and took a ragged breath
She said your Pa's run off and I'm real sick
And the baby's gonna starve to death

She handed me a heart shaped locket that said
Illegitimi non carborundum
And nodded as I threw away
My wad of chewing gum
It sounded like somebody else that was talkin'
Askin' Mama what do I do
She said be nice to the administrative assistants Fancy
And they'll be nice to you

She said here's the classifieds section Fancy don't let me down
Here's your Monster account Fancy don't let me down

Just remember everything I've taught you,
because if you want out
Well it's up to you
Now don't let me down you better start
movin' uptown

Well, that was the last time I saw my Ma
The night I left that rickety shack
The welfare people came and took the baby
Mama died and I ain't been back

But the wheels of fate had started to turn
And for me there wasn't time to lose
And it wasn't very long 'til I was waiting
In a temp agency in my sensible shoes

I knew what I had to do and I made myself this solemn vow
That I's gonna be successful someday
Though I didn't know when or how
I couldn't see spending the rest of my life
Playing a sucker's game
You know, I might have been born just plain white trash
But Fancy was my name

Here's your company dossier Fancy don't let me down
Here's your annual reports Fancy don't let me down

It wasn't long after that I got a job
Filing papers and printing spreadsheets
And one week later I was a permanent employee
In a five room office suite

I worked late, on weekends
Got a night-school MBA
Then I got me a nice apartment
And an off-lease Cabriolet
And I ain't done bad

Now in this world there's a lot of small-minded people
Who'd never think I could achieve
And criticize Mama for telling me
No matter what, always believe

But though I ain't had to worry 'bout nothin'
For nigh on fifteen years
I can still hear the desperation in my poor
Mama's voice ringin' in my ear

She said, here's your one chance Fancy don't let me down
Here's your one chance Fancy don't let me down
Don't let folks tell you, you can't do
'Cause if you want out, well it's up to you
Now don't let me down
Your Mama's gonna send you uptown

Where's Tomato?

2011-08-08T19:42:00.000-07:00

There is exactly one fully ripe fruit on this plant. Can you spot it?

Great Moments In Marketing Idiocy

2011-08-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you come across a new product that is so apt, so perfect in its service to the market, that you marvel that it hadn't been invented earlier. And sometimes you see an ad for designer patterned maxi pads.

Insane? Yes. But bear in mind, it could be worse.

How About I Just Dislike You Because Your Song is Boring?

2011-08-05T18:45:00.000-07:00

Apparently, we're doing pop songs based on irritating eighties advertising catchphrases now:

I can't wait for "Where's the Beef [Dance Remix]"

Shoesday: The Wrong Goodbye

2011-08-03T21:25:00.000-07:00

If there is one truth in life, it is that loss is the only constant. So it is with inappropriately maudlin blog post openings, and so also with shoe brands. One of my favorites, Sigerson Morrison (along with its spinoff line, Belle) has just fired its founders/designers/namesakes, and I am moving ahead with the assumption that it will not be the same again. And by "moving ahead" I mean "hoarding examples of the current line like they're sheets of plywood and a hurricane is coming." Which was made easier by the fact that virtually everything on their website is marked down by 70%, though it turns out that the stated availability is somewhat deceptive.*

There are, of course, other shoes in the store. But what I loved about the Sigerson Morrison line was that they could manage to be cool and different without veering off into outright lunacy**, and that is something I suspect they will not be able to maintain under the new corporate management.

On the plus side, I may have a slightly easier time holding on to my money.

*This post was going to go up yesterday, except that I had just started writing it when I learned that the majority of my order would not be shipped to me because they did not actually have those items in stock, despite the fact that they were still listed on the site, and I was too annoyed to feel like writing something praising their style.
**Well, mostly.

Ugly Clothes For Rich People, Part VI

2011-07-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

I'll stop when they do.

Preen skirt, $343

"Excuse me, um, I don't want to embarrass you, but I think you've got your skirt caught in your underwear somehow."
"Oh no, it's supposed to be like that. It's fashion."
". . . Oh. Okay."
(Repeat conversation ~12x per day.)

John Galliano jacket, $990

It's a jacket! It's a life vest! It's a dessert topping! It does all of these things equally well!

Etro jacket, $1550

Looks like you bought it at a rummage sale at a church for blind people.

Costume National pants, $175

That isn't where the belt goes.

JC de Castelbajac dress, $390

There's whimsy, and then there's looking like you have dressed up as a sexy luggage tag for Halloween.

Marni shirt, $265

Because really, who hasn't been at the dentist's getting their teeth x-rayed, caught a glimpse of their reflection in the lighting fixture and thought, "My god, I look fabulous!"

Feet?

2011-07-28T10:50:00.000-07:00

This is a sign that's posted on the Caltrain shuttle:

And this is the only type of openable window on said shuttle:

I don't know about you, but I really want to see someone try.

Ringing It

2011-07-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

I may have already mentioned this to a couple of you*, but I recently got engaged. To Cameron, who is a lovely person and we're very happy and blah, blah, you're not interested in that. You want to see the hardware. And I am happy to oblige:

(not a professional hand model)

Not exactly visible from space, but I like them.

As a matter of fact, the rings belonged to my grandmother, and we had been planning to have the stones reset into something new. But when I tried them on and they fit, it just seemed silly to spend a bunch of money to turn one perfectly nice ring into another, so I'm just going with them as-is. After all, they did pretty well the last time around.

*Ha!
**I also want to tell you not to worry, this is not about to become a wedding blog, those things make me want to claw my own eyes out.

Shoesday: Gap Junctions

2011-07-26T20:21:00.000-07:00

I don't know what happened with me and The Gap. For most of my teenage years and well into my twenties they provided the majority of my wardrobe. Eventually, I did transition somewhat to Banana Republic (my brief foray into the goods from Old Navy is best left undiscussed), but then, like a friend who moved away and got really into mid-nineteenth century nose-flute music, we lost touch and I don't really know who they are any more.* So it was fun, in a drunken-class-reunion sort of way, to come across these shoes from there and discover I liked them. Granted, they were part of a designer collaboration and a little more expensive than my last Gap shoe purchase, but I think they were worth it, if only for the late-nineties nostalgia and velcro straps.

*Except I still buy underwear there.

They're Coming

2011-07-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

Looks like I'm going to have some cherry tomatoes after all.

More than a few, actually.

I admit, they have a ways to go.

And could probably use some warm weather.

But I feel like this is a good start.

I probably should have gotten around to staking them, though.

An Open Letter to Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434

2011-07-14T10:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434,

I know it isn't a lot of fun getting emails you don't want in your inbox. I particularly know this, Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434, because I am actually getting all the emails you don't want in your inbox, in my inbox, because you have been habitually using my email address whenever you sign up for something. I do not appreciate this, Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434, not the OKCupid membership, or the realtors sending me information about South Florida housing prices, or even your TurboTax filing information. Now, Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434, that last one was actually not such a great idea, not only because they helpfully sent me your full name and address:

But also because it means you are not getting important information, like the fact that your Federal return has been rejected by the IRS because your Social Security number cannot be used more than once in the return or on another return (R0000-515) and the 'Primary Prior Year AGI' or 'Primary Prior Year PIN' must match the IRS Master File (F1040-679-01). Therefore, Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434, I would suggest you rethink this policy in the future, and maybe get yourself a second email address that is actually your own for just this purpose. Then we'll all be happy.

Sincerely,
The Person Whose Email Address You Have Been Using

So You Think Finland Can Dance

2011-07-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

Do not ask why I was searching for "Finnish Tango" on YouTube in the middle of the day. Just enjoy this video about the hairstyles and leisure activities of the mid-eighties in Finland, and appreciate this quote from the intro:

“. . .A country where gloom is pervasive. Melancholy, sorrow and shyness abound. All this, though, is alleviated by a massive intake of alcohol.”

Anybody Having a Garden Party?

2011-07-11T19:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know many things, but I do know this: Before this summer is over I will find an excuse to wear my new hat.

Ugly Clothes For Rich People Part V

2011-07-08T16:09:00.002-07:00

Summer Edition!

See by Chloe shorts, $175

Do you really want to take Cheetos-era Britney as your fashion role model?

Rodarte for Opening Ceremony shorts, $764

I'm pretty sure these are lederhosen. I'm entirely sure they're stupid.

Costume National dress, $350

It's a dress! It's a bikini! It's neither!

Moschino dress, $1690

If they mated: a decorative toilet seat cover and the curtains at Applebee's.

Comme des Garcons dress, $425

Perfect for spending a relaxing day at the beach getting dragged out of the surf by fishermen and thrown back because you're not in season.

Watch Out For Frogs*

2011-07-06T19:03:00.000-07:00

When we last spoke** I mentioned that I was back from Vegas, and then vanished again. Not, as you might imagine, to sleep off the hangover, but to head up the coast for a relaxing long weekend in Bodega Bay, a place with no showgirls at all. It was a lovely trip that was exciting for several reasons, but I'm going to talk about the frogs.

We were staying at my family's vacation place***, which we call the Barn because that's what it is. But there's a shower and a microwave and a wood stove and stuff, and lots of books and it all quite nice as long as you don't mind a bit of nature in your days.

Also, under your phone. But we'll get to that in a minute.

I guess you really can't blame the frogs for moving in. For much of the time the Barn is dark and quiet, with a pretty good supply of things that frogs eat and a total dearth of things that eat frogs. I'd come across one on a previous trip, living in the toilet tank, which inspired me to try and coin the euphemism "Excuse me while I go talk to the frog." It didn't catch on.

So it wasn't a total shock when I went to look for the password for the wifi and found two frogs living under the modem. And another, slightly larger one tucked in a nook under the phone. But it was definitely a surprise.

There were three in the bathroom; not immediately evident but almost always around. It was an amphibian Where's Waldo, only with fewer people in medieval costumes falling off ladders and more hand towels.

One thing I decided is that being a frog must be pretty boring, because they seemed to take to the fact that they had an audience with enthusiasm. The game seemed to be to see who could come up with the best place to be hiding when I came across them, with some points for dropping off the top of the medicine cabinet when I opened it and perching on the shampoo first thing in the morning and a nearly game-winning play that involved climbing into my toiletries bag when I took it into the bathroom at night and waiting there until I went to get my deodorant in the morning. But the honors went to the player who hid in the sink drain until I came to wash my hands, and looking at me accusingly through the soap suds.****

It was like a frog vaudeville in there.

*Fifty nerd points to anyone who gets that reference.
**Blogged, whatever.
***"Cottage" in Canadian.
****Handy fact: Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day hand soap is apparently non-toxic to frogs. They should put that on the label.

Meanwhile. . .

2011-07-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

In Vegas, I tried on but did not buy these shoes. I also did not have my wallet stolen, which was quite a relief.

Details to follow.

Ugly Clothes for Rich People, Part IV

2011-06-28T15:10:00.000-07:00

Join me, won't you, as we descend into the depths of the expensive and hideous. No snorkle required!*

Burberry Prorsum coat, $5495

"What do you mean the bottom of the coat got caught in the shredder, and the only material we have on hand is a bath mat? We're a high-end design house! We can't. . . Oh, to hell with it, just staple them together and meet me at the bar."

Matthew Williamson jumpsuit, $1,202

I've been staying away from jumpsuits and rompers because they're so intrinsically stupid that there's nothing that interesting about a stupid-looking one.

So I'll say this for our psuedo-military, crotch-bag friend here: It's managed to take stupid-looking to a whole new level.

L.A.M.B pants, $245

Speaking of which. . . I wonder, is there a subset of wealthy people who intentionally make themselves look as unappealing as possible, in order to determine who is just attracted to them for their money?

Marc Jacobs jacket, $970

It's like someone went to clown college and majored in crocheting.

Gucci blouse, $960

And to think your dad complained about the tacky short you gave him for Father's Day.

Who's Who "dress," $315

Another thing I've resisted so far is the impulse to post very, very short dresses with a "that's not a dress, that's a shirt" label, because it just makes me seem old and crotchety. But this? This is not a dress. This is a shirt.

*Barf bag recommended.

Programming Note

2011-06-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

There won't be much going on here for the next week or so, except for one Ugly Clothes for Rich People post that I am going to write now and set to go up at some random time, because I am going to be in Vegas, testing the effects of heatstroke on a hangover. It should be warmish:

So I guess I'll just have to find myself somewhere air-conditioned.

My Project For The Day

2011-06-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

Should keep me busy for a while.

UPDATE (11:00 am):

Progress!

UPDATE 2 (4:30 pm):

Success!

Palate Cleanser

2011-06-23T13:32:00.000-07:00

While I prepare another round of sartorial horrors for your viewing pleasure, let's all look at this and remind ourselves that yes, there still are beautiful things in the world:

Miu Miu Buckle Strap Sandal

There. I feel better already.

Ugly Clothes for Rich People, Part III

2011-06-21T19:48:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I can keep doing this forever.

Donna Karan jacket, $1557

The Mummy Returns And Opens A Boutique In South Beach

Rodarte for Opening Ceremony Cape, $603

Young lady, you take off your Aunt Sybil's valance right now and apologize to her. That's no way to be handling a fine window treatment.

Anna Sui pants, $442

Looking like your mom made your pants for you, at home, in 1976: Priceless. No, wait, $442.

Stella McCartney cape, $807

All of the classic elegance of a trench coat, now with 80% less sides!

Marni dress, $400

For that insouciant "nightmare where you're naked at a picnic and have to wrap yourself in the tablecloth" look that is all the rage these days.

Roksanda Ilincic jacket, $680

Not to get too personal, but I know an excellent waxer.

Shoesday: I Know Why the Caged Foot Sings

2011-06-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

Or, Summertime, And The Walking Is Sweaty

Sometimes, you have to compromise. Sure, you might want to move into a treehouse, live on Pixi Sticks and sleep until four every day, but since your employer, dentist and reality won't accept that you settle for surreptitiously picking your nose during meetings. It's the same for me with shoes. As much as I love my collection of fabulous Heels of Insanity, there are times, such as when I am planning to walk for more than five minutes at a time, when discretion becomes the better part of not staggering barefoot through the second half of the evening. But since, to paraphrase the poet Young MC, I don't want to hang myself with the orthopedic rope, a compromise must be reached.

That's where these come in. They're Sofft which, as previously discussed, has some lovely items among the lumps of concrete. They're comfortable while still being flashy, which makes them perfect for next week's trip to Vegas, a place where you can go out in a leather skirt, pink bustier and six-inch lime green platforms and come across as, essentially, Mother Superior, but also a place where walking is your most viable transportation option, since the traffic doesn't move and the public transit doesn't go anywhere.

Compromise: Sometimes it's shiny.

Log Out

2011-06-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

You can't say I didn't try. I gave it two rounds of soaking in the recommended dechlorinated ice water, a paper bag over it to keep it damp and its very own plate to stand on and hardly bothered it at all, no matter how much I wanted to know if it was working. But, after that one surprise initial bloom, my mushroom log has been resolutely unproductive, and I think it may be time to throw in the towel.

Or log. Whatever.

When Watermelons Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Watermelons

2011-06-18T13:53:00.001-07:00

NEWSBREAK: Exploding watermelons terrorize Chinese countryside*

Police departments nationwide have been put on high alert for produce trucks entering population centers and gardeners are encouraged to register existing melon patches with Homeland Security. Should you happen to see any unattended fruit, do not approach it; retreat to a safe distance and contact the authorities immediately.

*Some aspects of this headline have been exaggerated for dramatic purposes.
**Link courtesy of Aftertime.

Ugly Clothes for Rich People, Part II

2011-06-10T16:42:00.000-07:00

We now continue our ongoing series of "Things You Couldn't Afford, And That's Okay":

Thom Browne Pants, $899

Are you an old man? Were you already an old man in 1987? Are you, currently, playing golf? Well, you still shouldn't be wearing these.

Givenchy Shirt, $2500

She is going to hunt down the people who stole the rest of her shirt, and kill them.

Camilla and Marc jacket, $790

"Are you ready yet?" "Just another twenty minutes, I'm buckling my jacket."

Comme des Garcons blazer, $690

When fabric swatches attack.

Lavin pants, $669

If you click through on the links here, you may notice that many of these items are already on sale. That's not surprising. What is surprising is how many sizes are already sold out. I bet the people who paid eleven hundred dollars for these pants feel pretty stupid right now. Fortunately, they look stupid too, so it works.

Not Dead Yet

2011-06-06T19:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough spring here in Patioland. Aside from the unseasonable cold and wet weather, to which we Californians have been responding with our usual sangfroid*, there is the very real possibility that I made a mistake by reusing the soil from last year's herbs, which may be infested with Herb Funk or something. At least, that's the best explanation I can come up with for why the heirloom tomato seedlings I planted here have not exactly thrived.

But, hey, at least they're not totally dead. So there's that.

*Oh-my-god-it's-raining-in-June-it's-the-Apocalypse-we're-all-going-to-die!

Ugly Clothes For Rich People, Part I

2011-06-03T15:58:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows that it's better to be rich. It's the money, mostly, plus never having to worry about being any good at your job or what you're going to do if the car doesn't stop making that noise. But it isn't all champagne on the patio and summers in St. Moritz. No, there are hazards to being a rich person, and one is to run the risk of looking very stupid.

You see, rich people go to designers for their clothes, because that's how other rich people can spot them at a distance, and the designers both love and hate them. They love them because the rich are the source of all their money that doesn't come from perfume-licensing deals, and because they let them swan around and act like artists for having produced a pair of pants. But they hate them because designers must spend a significant portion of their working lives living on off-brand ramen and discount vodka, and they have some built-up resentment to work through.

And so sometimes, in the dark of night, they come up with fantastically hideous, stupid clothes that they can sell to those rich people who have never known what it's like to live in a converted closet in an eighth-floor walkup with seven roommates, at least three of whom are sleeping together and/or fighting with each other at any given time, so that, as they count the money from the sale, they think of those wealthy losers walking down the street in their creations and ever-so-softly giggle.

These are some of those clothes.*

Tao Comme des Garcons top, $419

When I have a cold, the floor next to my bed looks just like this.

Maison Martin Margiela vest, $1,190

Fifty bucks says the "design process" for this item was the designer strapping a car seat-cover to his chest and high-fiving an assistant.

Viktor & Rolf dress, $787.50

Just because you don't know how to make a shirt, it doesn't mean you get to sell it as a dress.

Alexander Wang knit and denim jacket, $750

My favorite thing about this is how the model is clearly wondering how her life got to this point.

DSquared2 jacket, $769

Or you could just carry a purse.

*As a matter of fact, I found so many examples that I couldn't fit them all into one post. So look for more of these over the next few weeks, unless I get lazy and forget.**
**It could happen.

Thurscheese Fashion Report

2011-06-02T09:56:00.000-07:00

I love cheese. I love clothes. I do not think these are things that should go together.

Although, I have to admit that I appreciate the efficiency of having the hostess and the appetizer tray as an all-in-one deal.

That's It, I'm Moving to Europe

2011-05-26T10:12:00.000-07:00

Two months of vacation and the ability to make your electrical outlets look like pigs? I'm sold.

Tomatoes: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Patio

2011-05-23T15:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you want to stretch yourself; find a way of doing something that by rights you shouldn't be able to do. And sometimes you just need to accept who you are, and where you are, and buy a patio tomato.

Granted, this is about as far from an heirloom variety as I'm going to get-- a plant that has been bred more for its size (small) and the sturdiness of its stem (not needing a stake to support it) and resistance to disease (looking a lot better than the heirloom seedlings, which have not exactly died, but are not making a lot of progress on the "growing" front) than for flavor. But when life gives you a patio, plant patio tomatoes because, after all, even sub-optimal fresh tomatoes are better than no fresh tomatoes at all.

Shoesday: A Doll's Shoes

2011-05-17T22:12:00.000-07:00

Ibsen would be proud.

I know what you must be thinking."Wow," you're saying to yourself. "Those are some seriously rockin' shoes Daisy has got there." (These days, you think in ironic hipster slang. No, I don't know why.) "But her legs look kind of funny. Has she lost weight? And why is the pile on the carpet so deep? Is it hard to vacuum that?"

Good questions, I reply. Also, were you aware that you're speaking your thoughts out loud? Just thought you'd like to know. Anyway, the truth is that I do own these shoes, but I don't wear them, because they don't fit me. They fit this doll:

Who is, incidentally, dressed head-to-toe in Zac Posen and far more fabulous than I could ever hope to be. She lives in the room with my computer, and I would not be surprised if one of these nights she climbs up on the desk and writes a scathing indictment of my pathetic attempts at style, just because she can.

Ballad* of the Mushroom Log

2011-05-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when the weather is nice on a weekend day, Cameron and I take some reading material and a bottle of wine and go sit out on the patio, to enjoy the sunshine and the view of the WheelWorks across the street. And sometimes, when the weather is nice for an unusually long time and the internet (via my iPad) is easily accessible, I drink slightly too much wine and buy a mushroom log.**

It came just before we left for the East coast, so I didn't have time to prep it for sprouting according to the directions. So instead I followed the instructions for setting it up for a rest period and left it to rest on its packing material (the directions didn't specify otherwise). So it was a surprise when I got home and Cameron told me that it sprouted:

The harvest is modest, but I figure it's not that bad for not trying. I could get into this kind of gardening.

*This post 100% ballad-free.
**Also, a home-cheesemaking kit. More on that later.

On the Inspirational Properties of Travel

2011-05-14T18:39:00.000-07:00

I'm back!* Yes, having survived my sojourn to the wilds of the Northeast, during which I had to contend with my inadequacies at a) candlepin bowling, b) pool and c) explaining what it is I do for a living without giving away the fact that I don't entirely understand it myself, I have returned home and to my true calling of writing severely run-on sentences for the internet. And despite what I just said, the trip was actually pretty good, though more so in the parts where Cameron and I were visiting Mary and Sean's lovely place in Cambridge, and less so when I struck off on my own for the work conference at the site in not-exactly-as-lovely Worcester. But, hey nothing wrong with meals you can expense.

There were plenty of interesting and informative presentations at the conference, some of which I even stayed awake for, but by far the best thing I learned there is that our company's laboratory site in that city** was built on the grounds of an old insane asylum. My boss, who was sitting next to me at the table at dinner when we learned this (and is aware of my not-exactly-literary ambitions) immediately declared that I should write a book about that, and I think he may be on to something. I mean, just think of the possibilities!

It starts slowly; a mysterious image in the UV picture of an agarose gel, a pool of blood on the floor that everyone blames on the guy doing the whole-blood work, even though he swears he didn't do it. Then all the mice in the animal facility start murdering each other, and someone discovers that the cold room has been maintaining its temperature despite the fact that the compressor has been broken for several months, and whenever anyone tries to generate a protein sequence all they can get, no matter what the real sequence, is a long series of repeats of "aspartic acid-isoleucine-glutamic acid."*** Then someone stays to work late, and the next morning his body is found in the autoclave, and pretty soon all kinds of science-type Hell is breaking loose.

I think it could be a hit.

*Since Wednesday night. But I think it's petty to dwell on details like that, don't you?
**I'm avoiding mentioning my employer by name here on the off chance that someone there has figured out how to use google alerts, and puts me on some kind of watchlist.
***For assistance in understanding this joke, please see this page.

Thurscheese: Roomano

2011-05-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

There are a few things I ask for from my cheese. One is, of course, to be delicious*. Others, in no particular order, include spreadability, failure to make the refrigerator smell like a lower class of toxic waste dump, and help with my taxes.** It hadn't occurred to me to ask for a name that is fun to say, but that one's going on the list now. ROOmano!

I assume this is some sort of relative of the more common Romano, as in parmesan, but I lost the Handy Information Sheet and I'm in kind of a hurry so I don't have time to look it up. Supporting this theory is the fact that it tastes quite a bit like a good parm, smooth and salty and toothsome. And, as someone who has for most of her life eaten the parmesan rinds as a kind of special treat and didn't realize this was weird until she did it in front of someone else, I think I know whereof I speak.

Speaking of non-sequiturs, I'm off to Boston (and nearby Worcester, which is much more annoying to spell, and possibly also to visit), so blogging is going to be kind of sparse for the next few days unless I can get blogger to cooperate with my iPad. On the other hand, there will probably be a fair amount of tweeting, mostly on the subject of how boring work events are, so stay tuned! Or not.

*That's really the main thing.
**Hey, it never hurts to ask.

Tomatoes: Reloaded

2011-05-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

That's right everyone, we're back, and tomatoer than ever. Actually, that's not true. My patio-gardening plans are much more modest this year, as evidence by the fact that I didn't start any seedlings at all. I wasn't actually sure that I was going to grow any heirlooms, but my coworker Jenn, who I had given some of my extra seedlings to last year, had had such great success with them that she has become a total convert to the heirloom tomato, and started some of her own this spring. And this time she was the one with the extra seedlings, and I was the recipient.

It's like the circle of life, only with fewer baboons holding up lion cubs, and more tomatoes.

So now I have five little tomato plants which, true to form, I have planted much too close together, because I don't have that much space. I'm trying to get them as much sun as possible on our shady balcony, and only time will tell if they are to become sturdy, fruit-producing machines or sad, wilty mold victims.

Fortunately, for their sake at least, none of them are upside-down. I'm sure they're grateful.

Thurscheese: French Raclette

2011-04-28T17:14:00.000-07:00

A Case of Mistaken Cheesedentity

It's not that I doubt the labeling. If my cheese-club provider claims that this is a slice of "French Raclette," who am I to dispute that? It's just that I have some very specific ideas of what raclette should taste like, and I think it should be more along the lines of this and not, well, this. Not that it wasn't perfectly nice. Smooth, creamy, a little nutty, very mild rind, all good things for a cheese to be. But it's like opening a jar of almonds and getting cashews: perfectly fine, just not what I was expecting.

When Bad Marketing Happens to Good Shoes

2011-04-27T19:22:00.000-07:00

As I may have mentioned here, I am at the moment completely in love with Timberland's line of women's casual shoes*, a fact which will become even more clear on Shoesdays to come. Because, seriously, what's not to love? Sturdy, comfortable, nice to look at and (as far as I can tell) reasonably waterproof. Price-wise they aren't exactly cheap, but they're not what I'd call that expensive, and they have good sales (see below).

One thing they don't have is very good website design, which is why it took me until now to stumble across this section. Which is slightly more expensive than their regular offerings, but all very appealing and wearable and lovely. So it's great, until you get to the marketing description of these shoes:

The Lucille collection reflects the women of the Industrial Age, with premium, enduring materials and skillful construction and stitching that's practical and rugged yet feminine. Authentic and unique styling is reminiscent of years when women depended on their footwear as much as their country depended on them, but the addition of canvas details and lighter overall designs reflect summertime adventures away from the factory floor.

Ah yes, those halcyon days for women working at the dawn of the Industrial Revolution. The satisfaction of twenty-hour days! The thrilling danger of dying when the factory catches fire and all the doors are locked to keep you in! The shoes!

Yeah, not so much.

*At the moment I am trying to decide if I would rather get these or these during the current 40% off sale on their website**, assuming I could come up with a way to justify the purchase of either of them.
**Code: BFF11. Don't say I never do anything for you.

Commemorate This

2011-04-22T16:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you have your own ideas, sometimes you steal them from other people and call it inspiration. My inspiration today comes from this post on Regretsy, in which the author reveals that she is the proud owner of a teacup commemorating the divorce of Charles and Diana, an item so wonderfully awful that I am left cursing the cruel fate that has kept me from ever possessing such a thing. But it also got me thinking: What other misguided commemorations have been painted on cheap porcelain and offered for sale to the general public? So I decided to go to Ebay and find out.

First up, we have a little military history:

Operation Desert Storm Commemorative Mug

Sure, there are plenty of military collectibles out there, but how many of them offer you the chance to drink your coffee with a map detailing the locations where bombs were dropped. Not many. (Also available in a beer stein.)

Then, a historic cultural event:

Walgreens 5000th Store Commemorative Mug

Comes with a free biography of the seller's entire family!

Naturally, the British royalty appear on what might be considered more than their fair share of goods:

Prince Andrew Coming of Age Commemorative Cup

I celebrate the birthdays of all total strangers by buying china with their faces on them, don't you?

But American politicians make their appearances as well:

Ross Perot Commemorative Knife

They didn't sell very well, but they did manage to drive the first model of George Bush knife out of the market.

And finally, for the true collector:

Our Redeemer's Lutheran Church Commemorative Plate

Indeed, who could ever forget the events of Our Redeemer's Lutheran Church, of 1024 West Sixth Street, Williston North Dakota? Truly, a treasure for any collection of pictures of modest public buildings.

Um, Okay

2011-04-22T09:56:00.001-07:00

I guess that's one way to get guys to notice your shoes.

Thurscheese: Le Moulis

2011-04-21T17:45:00.000-07:00

Well, after that last little cheese meltdown* I think we'd better take it easy with this one. And brief, because there just isn't much to say, aside from that it is a nice cheese. Nice and mild, nice nutty finish, nice smell. It had small, evenly-sized air pockets spread evenly through it, which were nice enough, I guess, assuming they were meant to be there. You could serve this at a party and people would say, "Hm, that's a nice cheese." And you would say, "It is isn't it?" and then you could go back to talking about how you kind of miss American Idol since you stopped watching it, but not enough to spend your time actually listening to Steven Tyler talk, and they would agree, and point out that J.Lo isn't exactly one of the great thinkers of the age either.

See? That was much better.

*There's some kind of fondue-based pun to make there, I just know there is.

Do You Have Too Many Piles Of Cash Lying Around?

2011-04-14T16:58:00.000-07:00

Think you've run out of pointless things to waste money on? Worried that somewhere out there, someone is being less frugal than you? Unsure if there are any sports left that do not have ridiculously overpriced equipment? My friend, let me introduce you to the one-hundred-and-thirty-six-dollar, carbon-fiber ping pong paddle:

The battle for rumpus-room supremacy will never be the same.

Good Idea, Bad Idea: Personalization Edition

2011-04-13T16:45:00.000-07:00

Elegant: Monogrammed Stationary

Not Elegant: Monogrammed Rain Boots

Handy general rule: If it's something you would do to your kids' shoes to keep them from losing them, it probably isn't something you should be buying for yourself.

(Also: "Bob?")

Shoesday: Tax-Season Boot Time

2011-04-12T19:57:00.000-07:00

With a little less than a week to go in the surprisingly-elongated tax season, (Let's hear it for Emancipation Day!) I think it's about time to take a break and contemplate some boots.* Like taxes, they are surprisingly high and will be in effect whether the government shuts down or not. Unlike taxes, they have non-functional buckles around the back, partially leather-wrapped stacked heels and make my ankles look thin.

Boots: Better than taxes.

*Already done with your taxes? Go away, I hate you.

Environmentalism Gets (Unintentionally) Creepy

2011-04-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

I'm all in favor of people having an emotional connection to the planet; I'm just not sure I'm ready for that emotion to be lust.

Still, I guess it could be worse. EarthSloth, anyone?

What A Difference a Label Makes

2011-04-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

Baja hoodie from Mexican Threads: $29.99

Baja hoodie from Proenza Schouler: $1500

Looking like a broke stoner for the price of a 1997 Grand Cherokee: ~~Priceless~~. Brain-thumpingly idiotic.

Thurcheese: Defeat at the Hands of Munster

2011-03-31T13:27:00.000-07:00

In the life of every cheese lover there comes a Moment.* That magical point in time when you are faced with the cheese that will test your resolve, that will prove whether you are a true connoisseur or merely a Velveeta-eater with pretensions. In that moment, the truth of your desire to consume and enjoy the cheeses of the world is laid bare.

Friends, I have looked into the Heart of Cheese, and I blinked.

It did not begin well. As soon as I opened the shipping box, before I even took any of the cheeses out of their wrappers, I could already begin to smell it. If I had just received a package of normal food that smelled like that, I would have sent it straight back with an angry note and probably complained about it on Twitter, but cheese isn't like that. Sometimes, cheese smells, I reasoned. This must be one of those times.

So I unwrapped the cheese and took my picture, and the smell grew steadily stronger. It was a horrible, sour, rotten smell, a stink that could wake the dead, and make them say thanks anyway, we'd rather be dead. But still, I held out hope. After all, it could turn out to be like durian, the famously foul-smelling Asian fruit that actually has a surprisingly mild taste**. Maybe the cheese wouldn't taste as bad as it smelled.

And the truth was, it didn't. It tasted worse. I don't know exactly how to describe the flavor, except to say that this was one of those times when it was really very clear to me that what cheese is is, essentially, milk that has been allowed to spoil so completely that it turns into a semi-solid, runny, lump. My taste buds, under the influence of hundreds of generations of selective pressure not to let me eat something that was clearly going to kill me, reacted violently. Even Cameron, who regularly eats kimchi straight out of the jar, almost spit it out.

I have faith in Artisanal, my cheese club source, that they are only sending me the best examples of the kind. I am sure that there are cheese-lovers in the world who would have clapped their hands in glee upon being presented with a Munster of this quality. But, dear readers, I am forced to admit that after that one small taste, I took that cheese straight to the trash and threw it in.

And then I took the bag out to the garbage chute before it stank up the whole apartment.

*At least, I assume there does. Maybe it's just me.
**A little like strawberry, with a touch of gas leak on the finish.

Shoesday: A Potentially Premature Celebration of Spring

2011-03-29T16:54:00.000-07:00

Spring! Sunshine! Flowers! Seasonal allergies! Molded plastic shoes! One of these things is in this picture.

I know that the third straight day of sunshine is probably too early to be breaking out the maypole and the sunscreen and the Lady Schick, but I don't care. It has been raining for, by my estimate, forever and I am ready for it to be spring, even if I have to will it into existence all by myself.

Actually, and I don't want to sound ungrateful, but it would have been nice if they could have pushed this up a few days so it could have been sunny on the weekend. Cameron's friend Ken was visiting on Saturday and we spent it visiting wineries around Monterey*. And I would have appreciated some nice weather for that, both because I want California to be on its best behavior for visitors, because I like it when people are jealous of me, and because hauling two increasingly drunk Canadians around in my severely underpowered car would have been easier without the occasional loss of visibility. But anyway, it was still fun and I only succumbed to one, brief bout of road rage right at the end, so I'm calling it a successful day. I still wish it had been nicer, though.

Then I could have worn these shoes.

*Them drinking, me driving.

Design Concept of the Week

2011-03-22T10:05:00.000-07:00

You know what this bathroom needs? More moss.

Arizona: Canada's Eleventh Province?

2011-03-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

When coming up with adjectives to describe spring in Arizona, "Canadian" is not the first thing that springs to mind. It comes in well behind "dry," "hot,""arid," "baseball-y" and "sere." But evidence of the presence and cultural impact of our neighbors to (or, in this case, from) the North, from the guys sitting behind us at the baseball game who actually punctuated their statements with the occasional "eh?" and the appearance, in the aggressively Olde Western downtown Scottsdale, of a place selling shwarma*, to this sign:

Curling in Phoenix! Phoenix, where ice doesn't even bother melting, it just gives you a sad, defeated sigh and vanishes.

Of course, Canada isn't the only place where people in Arizona are from. Being from other places is a major pastime in the greater Phoenix area, which is why dinner on Friday night consisted of some excellent and authentic New York style pizza, from a pizzeria with its primary outlet (and many of its customers) from Brooklyn. And, as the cooking staff there demonstrated, it's easy to forget that America's other NAFTA partner makes by far the largest contribution to the local culture and economy. But I think Canada may still have the edge. After all, plenty of other places have sent their people to The Grand Canyon State, but how many have actually relocated their educational institutions?

*Not technically native to Canada, but so beloved in its cities that people who have moved away speak of it longingly for years since, even if they have moved to a place with excellent and plentiful Mexican food.

Killer Shoes

2011-03-17T17:14:00.000-07:00

As any good serial killer knows, the key to carrying off a successful murder is planning. That's why these shoes are such a perfect gift for the up-and-coming psycho in your life:

Wear these regularly for a few weeks before the big day, and no one will bat an eye when your rival for the booth at the craft fair goes missing. Especially if it looks like she was the victim of a tragic horse-kicking.

(Credit to Refinery 29 and Joe for these.)

What Could Be More Restful?

2011-03-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

Do you love the comfort and style of hospital gowns, but hate the inconvenience of modern medicine? Well, the Gap has the sleepwear for you:

Update: It's a trend!

Shoesday: Spring Wedging

2011-03-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

Remember how I said I was going to buy these? Well, I did. I am nothing if not a shoe addict of my word. In fact, I even had a good reason*: This weekend, Mom and I are heading off to Spring Training**, and what is a weekend in Arizona without attractive and comfortable sandals. And they are comfortable, surprisingly so, given their height. (Though less surprisingly because they come from the same line that two separate people described to me as "the holy grail of shoes.") The only downside is that it seems like this level of comfort was reached by installing tiny whoopee cushions in the sole of each shoe, causing my every step to be accompanied by a series of discreet foot-farts. But I don't care, and do you know why? Because this weekend, when the forecast here looks like this:

My farty shoes and I will be looking (if possibly not sounding) fabulous in a place that's a little more like this:

*"excuse."
**Viewing, I mean, not joining. Mom's minor league contract wasn't picked up this year.