Handy Holiday Gift Suggestions

Is there a girl aged 5-9 years* in your life? Does she like Hello Kitty? Well, you could get her something like this:



You know, if you don't care about her at all.

But if you really want her to be happy, you'll buy her this:



Sure, it costs 25 grand, but really, can you honestly put a price on a child's happiness?**


*I am aware that some of the above may actually be intended for real, fully grown adults; I simply refuse to accept it.
**Yes: $25,000. Or $5 for a tube of cookie dough.

Aunt Lola's Etiquette Advice For All Possible Occasions

Also known as my new Twitter project. In it, I adopt the persona of Aunt Lola, and provide advice for those social occasions that are not generally covered by your standard etiquette manuals. Such as:

Always enter the villain's secret lair from the left, to avoid the piranha tank.

and

It is almost never appropriate to bring C4 as a hostess gift.

The name is @etiquette4all, because Twitter limits the number of characters you can use and I couldn't think of anything funny that would fit.

(Update for the benefit of people named Karen: There is also an RSS feed option, for those who are not interested in the twitter thing. Just saying.)

Shoesday: Shoe Block

The Story*:

Have you ever had one of those days where you looked at a pair of shoes and found you had nothing to say about them? Have you stared and stared at the photo, as if willing it spring to life and begin dictating a blog post to you? And then has your mind wandered to other thoughts, like whether you have enough milk for breakfast tomorrow, and how it's kind of sad that your browser has added the Facebook Bejeweled game to your most-visited pages, and despite that your cousin's wife is still beating your high score? And then have you eaten a few candied walnuts, because even though you don't like walnuts you will eat anything if it's covered with brown sugar, and thought about this picture and how you would have lots of things to say about those shoes, none of them nice?

No? Oh. Yeah, me neither.

Hey, look, sequins!


*Or, in this case, lack thereof.

It's Not Too Late! (But It's Close. . .)

For what? For signing up for the Berkeley Mystery Writing Intensive!


WONDER at the talents of several published authors and an actual movie writer/director/actor! GASP at the stories of real law enforcement officials! THRILL at the chance to see a rare live agent in captivity! DRINK with all assembled until you do something inadvisable! SPEND the next three weeks negotiating the return of the pictures!

What I'm saying is, you really should be there.

It May Be a Trap. . .

Whoops, no, it's just a podcast of a story about them. My bad.

Actually, it's my story. Give it a listen, won't you?

Double-Stuffed Oreos: The Quest for the Truth

Subtitle: Double or Nothing

With their labeling, Nabisco makes the bold, if implied claim that their "Double Stuffed" Oreos have double the stuff of a normal, or "wild type" Oreo. But do they? The question cried out to be tested. So I did.

Side-by-side comparison:




Materials:



-- Subject Cookies
-- Razor Blade (clean)
-- Weigh Paper

And, of course:


-- A lab coat with my name on it*


Procedure:

Pre-Weigh the Cookies

(All weights in grams, because we roll like that.)

Disassemble, employing the razor blade.



Weigh the Stuff.

Wild Type:



2x:




Based on these data, I would say that the more accurate title for the Double-Stuffed Oreo would be the 2.38x-Stuffed Oreo. I expect a renaming to be imminent.


*Yes, that is my name.

Do I Have the Product For You

Do you like juice, but feel like it doesn't spoil fast enough?

Do you prefer your alcoholic beverages to be of questionable origin?

Do you wish you were more like the Germans?

Well, your dreams are coming true today.

Shoesday: Concatenation

The Story:
Bad title? Yes, but it's getting hard to do anything sans-catination around here, what with the wiliness and the claws. Also, he has taken to chewing clean through shoelaces*, which is why these (gold Missoni flats, thanks for asking), live safely in the shoe closet.

*We are considering the possibility that he may actually be a dog.

Country Music Word Problem II

Question:

What is the AMA-recommended treatment for a busted give a damn (see supplemental materials, below)? Chose one option and explain your selection in the space provided.

a) Elevate, apply a cold compress.
b) Immediate surgery.
c) Tourniquet!
d) Five shots of tequila, egg the sumbitch's car.



Supplemental Materials: