The Googlebet II

I did this once before, back in 2008, when the world was a different place*. But I think it's time to revisit, so here you are, for the second time: The most commonly searched words as predicted by Google's autofill function for each letter of the alphabet.**

A is for Amazon

B is for Best Buy

C is for Craigslist

D is for Dictionary

E is for ESPN

F is for Facebook

G is for Google***

H is for Hotmail****

I is for Illinois lottery*****
J is for Jewel Osco******
K is for Kohls
L is for LinkedIn
M is for Mapquest
N is for Netflix
O is for Old Navy
P is for Pandora
Q is for Quotes
R is for Redbox
S is for Southwest

T is for Target

U is for United Airlines
V is for Victoria (sic) Secret
W is for Walmart
X is for X Factor

Y is for YouTube

Z is for Zillow


So, what does the vast database that Google is maintaining on you tell them that you would like to see when you search the letters of the alphabet?


*Not really.
**Unchanged terms are marked in a tasteful mauve.
***Wait, what?
****Wait, what?
*****I should point out that my work computer believes it is in North Chicago, which I'm starting to suspect is influencing these results
******See above.

Best "Best of 2011" Lists of 2011

10. Best Celebrity Mug Shots
I can't decide which is my favorite: The Smashing Pumpkins bass player who was booked for her horses getting out, or Andy Dick being arrested for public intoxication at a Marie Callendars.

9. Best Pieces of Random Inspirational Pablum, As Chosen By Their Writer
Or, rather, by the person who flipped through a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul and picked out her favorite cliches.

8. Best Table Tennis Shots
With jaunty Christmas music!


7. Best Professional Wrestling Moments
Will any of us ever forget where we were when the Ring of Honor went National?

6. Best Parliamentary Brawls
Pound-for-pound, a better fight deal than anything you'll find in the Ring of Honor.

5. Best Celebrity Twitter Feeds
2011: The year celebrities finally realized their true potential and cut out the middleman in sharing their embarrassing gossip with the world.

4. Best Dentists of Greater Washington Area
Although, at a total of 298 entries, I'm a little concerned about what you had to do to be left off the list. Leechings?

3. Best Lingerie Collection
A little something for the gentlemen. . .

2. Best Ryan Gosling Moments
. . . And for the ladies

1. Best Hats
Just to top it off.


Happy New Year!

The Top Five Lies I Tell Myself While Cooking

5. It'll cook down.

4. That looks done.

3. I can totally pull off green eyeshadow.*

2. If I put enough sauce on it no one will notice.

And the number one lie I tell myself while cooking:

1. I'll do those dishes later.


*Not cooking-related, just in general.

Things With Bacon In Them: A Partial List

(This post secretly written by the ghost of William Shakespeare.)

Lately, people seem to be getting kind of nuts about bacon. Not that I don't understand that-- bacon is definitely tasty, what with its winning trifecta of pork, fat and salt. But there are lots of other things that are also tasty, and people seem to just eat them, instead of engaging in a nationwide obsession.

Maybe it's a reaction to the recent outbreak of fat panic, maybe it's a residual offshoot of the Atkins craze. All I know is, these days the intertubes are overrun by people selling a huge variety of products featuring or related to bacon and/or artificial bacon flavoring. Below, in no particular order, I have assembled a limited sample of the offerings:

1. Bacon
2. Salt
3. Coffee
4. Vodka
5. Mayonnaise
6. Ice Cream
7. Cheese Spread
8. Chocolate
9. Alarm Clock
10. Air Freshener
11. Beer
12. Envelopes
13. Mints
14. Jelly Beans
15. Dental Floss
16. Lip Balm
17. Jam
18. Jerky (multiple flavors)
19. Lollypops
20. Peanut Brittle
21. Soap
22. Candles
23. Can
24. Duck

Reality Shows On Which Tiger Woods's Mistresses Are Likely To Appear*, In Order Of Decreasing Probability

1. Cheaters (duh)
2. Rock of Love Bus
3. Jersey Shore
4. Tool Academy
5. The Bachelor
6. The Real Housewives of Orange County/New York/D.C./Atlanta/the parking lot behind the Waffle House
7. Celebrity Apprentice
8. Celebrity Fit Club
9. Celebrity Rehab
10. Dancing With the Stars
11. Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?
12. Dirty Jobs
13. Hoarders
14. The Ultimate Fighter
15. Top Chef
16. Little People, Big World
17. Swamp Loggers
18. Nova


*It is entirely possible that some of them have already been on one or all of these; I really haven't been keeping track.

Eight Things I Didn't Do On My Trip

1. Go inside any major government building.
2. Visit the MoMA, the Met or any other easily-abbreviated New York museum.
3. See one of the many Broadway shows featuring an American Idol runner-up in the cast.
4. See any Broadway shows at all.
5. Sleep nearly enough.
6. See Dorothy's shoes, Jerry's shirt, the First Ladies' gowns or any of the other treasures that represent my cultural heritage as an American.
7. Visit any area of New York City outside of Manhattan.
8. Visit any area of DC outside of a one-mile radius of the Mall.


Guess I'll just have to go back.

The Top Seven Least Badass Album Titles Possible

7. Hamsterdance!
6. Back to Aquamarine
5. Rod Stewart Sings the American Songbook
4. . . . And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Happy Bunnies*
3. Dark Side of the Oreo
2. Not In The Face! Not In The Face!
1. Licensed To Il Divo



*Yes, I know that's a band name.

The Top Ten All-Time Worst Things to Step In

10. Excrement, herbivore
9. A shallow hole
8. Burning coals, when you have not achieved the proper mental state* to walk across them unscathed
7. Excrement, carnivore
6. It
5. An unidentifiable thing that goes "squish"
4. Excrement, omnivore
3. A deep hole
2. A mud-filled sinkhole in the Everglades*
1. A land mine


*as represented by foot speed
*skip ahead to 4:15 for relevant clip

The Top Six Things You Least Expect to Find In Your Glove Compartment

6. Gloves
5. A chinchilla
4. Five pounds of gruyere
3. Hope for a better tomorrow
2. Pirate treasure
1. Yourself

The Top Fifteen All-Time Greatest Words That Begin With the Letter "P"

15. Plangent
14. Peregrine
13. Pi
12. Passel
11. Parallelogram
10. Psoriasis
9. Patsy
8. Puce
7. Periwinkle
6. Pneumatic
5. Persnickety
4. Palliative
3. Pert
2. Parsimonious
1. Pollywog

Let the Controversy Begin!

If my wanderings around the blogosphere have taught me anything (besides precisely how much time I can get away with wasting at work) it's that nothing draws attention and gets a comments section going like a good list. Best this, worst that, shortest whatever. The downside is that everyone else figured this out before me, and all the good topics have been taken. Therefore, without further ado, Half the Fun presents:

The Top Ten All-Time Greatest Condiments

10. Chutney
9. Mustard, Yellow
8. Relish
7. Tabasco
6. Garum
5. Horseradish/Fake Wasabi*
4. Mustard, Fancy
3. Mayonnaise
2. Soy Sauce
1. Ketchup


*I have never been to a sushi restaurant fancy enough to serve real wasabi, hence its exclusion from this list.