#ProduceTip

Your vegetables will look approximately 372% more glamorous if you put them in a fancy gardening basket.

Wheelbarrow optional.

On a related note, does anyone know what I can do with three habaneros? That won't kill me?

Just a Little Off the Top

Let's check in on the garden, shall we?

The chard is starting to look like chard:

We got the heirloom "sideways" variety.

The favas have joined the party:

And the edamame came along too:

The lettuces have been particularly enthusiastic:

So much so that I decided to free up some space by clipping some leaves (I cut a bunch, I swear):

(Makes about 1/5th of a salad.)

Up next: The great outdoors!

The Great Maple Syrup Heist: The Plot Thickens

We now interrupt your normal lack of programming to bring you exciting developments in the ongoing saga of the Great Maple Syrup heist: Canadian police report that they have potentially tracked some of the contraband to a syrup dealer in New Brunswick. The suspect sap has been confiscated for further study and it's source is being traced. Meanwhile, the retailer in question continues to assert his innocence, claiming that he is the victim of a smear campaign by the Quebec syrup cartel, with whom he has clashed in the past.


Buffalo remains on high alert.

Why Don't You Get Back To Me When You Figure It Out

Apparently, even the people who work at the cafeteria aren't that sure what goes into the food:

I Have The Same Problem with 'Mississippi'

From this week's cafeteria menu:

I'm pretty sure all the letters are in there, at least.

Worrying thought: Where are they finding their recipes?

New Year's Cheese

You know what's better than going out on New Year's Eve? Staying home and eating cheese:

Top row: Cowgirl Creamery Wagon Wheel, Blue Stilton
Bottom row: Hirtenkase, Cypress Grove Humboldt Fog, Cave Aged Gruyere
Not pictured: Brillat-Savarin

With the brand new set of cheese knives you got for Christmas:

I'm still not totally sure what the big one is for.

And do you know what's even better than staying home and eating cheese with your new cheese knives, and also quite filling? Staying home and eating graavlax and caviar on blinis* made by Cameron:

It's bad form to sneak too many bites of caviar when someone else is busy cooking. Or so I've heard.

And don't forget the creme fraiche:

It's white sauce!**

Of course, now one may be left of the problem of a great deal of leftover cheese (see above).***

This is what I would call a "manageable problem."


*Modified recipe, because the yeast part seemed like too much work. Basically, pancakes with buckwheat flour, and delicious.
**No, I don't get it either.
***Except for the Brillat-Savarin (not pictured).

Sunday Dinner: An Adventure in Pictures

Potential new semi-regular feature here, where I demonstrate recipes so foolproof that even I can't screw them up, though not for a lack of trying. Today we're starting with one of my more elaborate attempts: making choucroute garni. Or, as it has come to be known around here, "the big pile of pork" dish. It works as both a hearty dinner and an air freshener, as long as you like your fresh air to smell like cooked pork, amd it's so easy to make that at times it can seem like it would be harder not to make it. Here, then, are the steps:

Step 1:*
Get some potatoes and peel them. I used Yukon golds because I like them as chips.

Step 2:
Cut the potatoes into rough quarters.

Step 3:
Acquire enough cured pork products that you could, if necessary, reconstruct a small pig.

Step 4:
Boil the potatoes.**

Department of Story Ideas: The Meat-Eaters

The Inspiration:
A conversation over lunch during which someone mentioned ongoing efforts to create lab-grown meat. Apparently, it needs to be kept moving by the application of electrical shocks in order to develop properly. You see where I am going with this.

The Story:
As above, with some minor variations. Rather than using muscle cells directly from domestic pigs, the researchers choose a hardier variety of wild boar, genetically crossed with goose for flavor. In addition to the electricity the pieces of meat are given rudimentary nerve systems to increase their mobility and improve their texture and the ability to digest a variety of food sources so that manufacturers can alter the feed according to material prices. Everything is going great, until one night, when the power goes out to the feeding tanks and the meat gets hungry. . .

The Pitch:
It's Jurassic Park meets bacon.

The Tagline:
"Dinner is coming. . . for you!"

Proven: That Everything Exists On the Internet

That's not the surprising part. The surprising part is that the proof comes via Martha Stewart.

Last night I dreamed that I was at a party where they were serving delicious home-made marshmallow Peeps. (No, I don't know why. I don't even like Peeps that much.) Today it occurred to me to wonder if such a thing actually existed.

It does.

Peeps: The new cupcakes? It could happen.*


*No, it couldn't.

The Top Five Lies I Tell Myself While Cooking

5. It'll cook down.

4. That looks done.

3. I can totally pull off green eyeshadow.*

2. If I put enough sauce on it no one will notice.

And the number one lie I tell myself while cooking:

1. I'll do those dishes later.


*Not cooking-related, just in general.

The Most Unlikely Thing to Come Out of a Cruise Vacation

And if not, it's right up there.

I think I mentioned that the cruise that Cameron and I went on last month was a little on the rainy side. Which hardly ruined it, but it did limit us from participating in some of the more standard cruise activities, like sitting out in the sun and trying to avoid being dragged into "hilarious" on-deck activities. And since the room we had was very nice and quite comfortable, with an interesting if rather eccentric selection of TV channels, we ended up spending some of our time just hanging out there. Which is how we happened to come across this documentary, about Ruth Berg, the creator and star of a seminal radio play and sitcom I had never heard of, called The Goldbergs. Which was all very interesting in and of itself, but what really stuck with me was the mention of the fact that she had written and published a cookbook, purportedly by her character, Molly Goldberg, and I ended up wondering how I could find a copy of it. I figured it would take a hunt on Ebay, or at least through some possibly sketchy Amazon reseller, but no, as a matter of fact, it's still in print.

I'm going to get a copy as soon as I have enough items for free shipping.

The Pre-Thanksgiving Whole Foods Run Checklist

Labwork: Finished
Grocery List: Composed
Loins: Girded
Shoes: Sturdy
Eyes: On the prize
Dates: Consumed
Medjools: Preferred to these deglets
Live and: Learn
Where was I?: Oh, right.
Fire: In belly
Song: In heart
Elbows: Sharp

Okay boys and girls, let's do this thing.

Consumed Tomatoes

One thing about growing tomatoes; at some point you're going to get to eat them. Even, apparently, if you make as many mistakes as I have. Which is a comfort, really. It gives me hope that even at my core level of competency I can grow food that I can eat. Given, of course, easy access to a garden center, running water, pesticides and fertilizers, but still.

In this case, I ate them with half an avocado, some slightly stale ciabatta (cubed) and my favorite bottled salad dressing.

I'm coming at this whole self-sufficiency thing slowly. No sense rushing into it.

From Today's Cafeteria Menu

I like my nitrate with just a touch of bacon.

Strawberry Fields for Breakfast

If you ever find yourself driving on 101 north of Hopland, and you have a minute to spare, I highly recommend that you stop at the Saechao farm stand (on the left side if you're heading North, on the right if you're going South*) and buy some strawberries. They are not supermarket pretty, but they are some of the sweetest, tastiest, most strawberry-flavored strawberries I have ever acquired from a commercial establishment.

*If you are going East and/or West at this point, you have your own problems, mostly to do with driving through vineyards.

Pepper Pot

It's not just tomatoes and herbs in the garden here. I mean, it is, mostly, but we have a couple of pepper plants too. Unfortunately, I've misplaced their tags, so I'm not sure what kind of peppers these are, but I did remember enough to know that I was supposed to wait for them to get red, which was handy, because they stayed green for about three months before finally coming around. Now I just have to come up with something to do with them.

Stir fry, anyone?

The Remains of the Basil

All quiet on the tomato front this week, so today we are bringing you news from the world of basil.* My plant (pictured, with sage and rosemary) had been getting somewhat overgrown, to the point that I had to trim off the flowers that were sprouting, which was a little sad, because they smelled nice and I couldn't think of what to do with them. But I'd read you aren't supposed to let your basil bolt, and since I couldn't figure out how to get a harness on it I figured this was going to be the best way.

I really like having my own herb garden-- it's nice to be able to just step out onto the balcony when you want something, instead of paying a ridiculous amount for it at the store and having most of it go bad in the fridge. But, for once, I seem to have found something I am better at growing than I am at eating, and we've been suffering from something of a surfeit.

Which is why it was nice last night, when I went to dinner at my parents' and they were planning on having pasta with pesto** and didn't have any basil on hand. So I took a pair of scissors to my overgrown little plant, and we had the first meal ever that had as a major ingredient something produced in my garden. Which I thought was pretty cool, and also tasty.



*Not Basil.
**Or, as it was known to me as a child, "green spaghetti." As opposed to "red spaghetti." It wasn't until much later in life that I realized that not everyone thought of pasta as coming in those two basic options. Also, mixed greens were "funny lettuce."

Victory!

One of my tomatoes became ripe!

And I ate it!

It was delicious! Huzzah!

Friday Fun Time!

No shoes this week, because I'm sneaking out early to head to the foothills to go drink wine with a bunch of people dressed like pirates* who may or may not be wearing tasteful boots.** Instead, I give you a Tour Of Things On The Internet.

Are these people serious? Because, on the one hand, they're selling their He-Man inspired paintings for upwards of three grand, which is serious money. On the other hand, they are He-Man inspired paintings. So I'm not sure.

They keep adding bacon to things. Newest additions to the repertoire: hot sauce, bloody mary rim salt, caviar. Also available: toasted ants. (Claimed to taste like bacon.)

Like cycling, but feel like the shorts don't make you look quite stupid enough? How about a bicycle/elliptical machine. Perfect for those times when you need to tell the world, "I am a bigger yuppie dork than any of you."

And finally: Monkeys hate flying squirrels. According to monkey annoyance experts (a job title I believe is science code for "we had some extra grant money lying around and the admin people wouldn't let us spend it on beer).

Also! Speaking of crazy scientists, this guy thought the best way to prove how serious he was about using the scientific process to uncover basic natural truths would be to send taunting emails to a biotech company, full of terrible rap lyrics about how great he is, plus bad grammar. Yay, science!


*I will not be dressed like a pirate. But I will be wearing a scarf with skulls on it, unless it's too hot.
**I'm gonna go with "not."

The Lost Weekend

Lost to madness and debauchery? To an impromptu trip to Vegas that ended with a near-arrest at the Neon Graveyard with a half-dozen Elvis impersonators, an aging showgirl and three German tourists? To that spot behind the dresser where the cat likes to put things? No, to Salmonella poisoning*.

We were going to spend this weekend out at the barn, in Bodega Bay, sipping wine, looking out at the ocean and listening to the distant sea lions and enjoying a few rare sunny summer days on the coast. But, thanks to my unfortunate encounter with some tuna salad with homemade mayo, we've spent it sitting on the patio in San Mateo, sipping mint water, looking out at the Wheel Works and listening to the truck motors left running by old guys going in to the American/Vietnamese market to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets.

It hasn't been all bad. (At least, since the excruciating stomach pain stopped. That was nothing but bad.) Cameron is an excellent caretaker of the sick and delicate, and it turns out that Columbo mysteries on Netflix streaming are exactly what you want to watch when you aren't feeling up to much of anything. Plus, we didn't have to pack, or get stuck in traffic, or any of that other annoying vacation stuff. So, really, what am I complaining about?

Oh, right, Salmonella poisoning.



*I'll spare you the details, because I like you, and just say that I am happy to be up and about and eating again, if not in quite the quantities I am accustomed to. Also, I think I'm going to lay off the mayonnaise for a while.