The Why-Files

Is clear plastic really that expensive?
Outreach to the partial-foot-amputee community?
Someone in the marketing department has a crippling fear of toes?
Proactive recruiting at the Home for Disabled Mannequins?
Final, definitive evidence that the fashion industry is run by aliens who do not fully understand the construction of the human body?

Frankly, I'm stumped.

After a Fashion

Even for professionals, the world of fashion can be confusing sometimes. For example, recently a trend for "bib necklaces" cropped up, and has been doing brisk business among people who, when they wear a necklace, have no interest in doing the thing halfway. They vary from the cute to the ridiculous, but they do have one thing in common: They are all clearly necklaces. However, this:

Is not a bib necklace. This is an actual bib that has been attacked by someone with a bead store, a glue gun and no taste whatsoever*; the sort of thing that a person without a clear idea of how babies work would put on one for a dinner out because it matches their purse. If you wore it, you would look like, well, you would look like this model, only not as happy because you wouldn't be getting paid for it.

On the plus side, if one of your dining companions became enraged at your ridiculous devotion to overpriced trendy junk and tried to stab you with a fork, you would probably be safe.


*I think I just came up with my idea for an Etsy store.

From the Vault: Tragedy in Clothing Form

Every once in a while, when I feel like maybe I am getting a little too judgemental about other people's clothing choices, I like post a little reminder of my own shameful history in fashion. I would defend myself by saying it was the eighties, and people did things like this, but the fact that Mom is right there looking effortlessly chic would tend to weaken that argument*. The only good thing I can think of to say about that shirt is that I remember wearing it once as a volunteer at the Lawrence Hall of Science "biolab," where there were a variety of animals for the visitors to handle, and a boa constrictor (Ms. Boa, I believe) that I was showing to some visitors climbed in one sleeve, around my back and out the other, so that the head and tail were hanging out of opposite sleeves. So, there's that.


Also, in my defense I would like to point out that it only looks like I have a mullet-- it was really just bad layering and a half-ponytail.



*I should note that she should not get the blame here; then, as now, I was somewhat difficult to argue out of an idea.

Pants!

If there has been one clear winner in the Vancouver Winter Olympics, it is the Norwegian men's curling team's pants. Beloved by the media and approaching 250,000 Facebook fans, they are getting significantly more attention during these Games than all of the ski jumpers combined. And the best part? These cray EuroPants are actually the product of our very own California, where they were originally designed for golf! And even better than the best part? There are more, even crazier styles available!

Could this be the next great fashion trend? I say, bring it. They would certainly be a big improvement on jeggings.

Dillemma Solved!

Sometimes I wonder if I am too harsh in my thinking about the fashion industry and its totally irresponsible drive to push women towards insecurity and poor health for its own amusement, if perhaps I am being unfair and shrill and not all that interesting. And sometimes they make mannequins with visible ribs*:





I think I'm going to stick with my original answer here.


*This came from an actual shopping site that I visit, by the way. (membership required, and not worth bothering)

The Hair Experiment: Day Hat

Materials & Methods:

Hat.


Makes me look like:

Hat.


Conclusions:

Hat.

The Hair Experiment: Day 1

If you read yesterday's post, you are aware that I am not happy with my new haircut (for those with an allergy to clicking through, I will summarize: I got a new haircut, and I am not happy with it). But that was yesterday. And today, when I got up at nine-thirty and staggered past the mirror on my way to a restorative bowl of cereal, I realized: I really don't like my haircut.

But am I dismayed? Discouraged? Hopeless? Yes. But I have to do something with it until it grows out, so I thought I'd do an experiment and run through the options. Yesterday's photo, no styling at all, will serve as the control.

Therefore, I give you, Day 1:



Materials & Methods:

Sprayed with Bumble&Bumble thickening spray, blow-dried using a small round brush.

Results:

More body, not flipping out at odd angles (see unstyled control).

Makes me look like:

A member of Duran Duran.

Conclusions:

Could be worse. Could be A Flock of Seagulls.

New Year, New Hair

And, to tell the truth, I'm not very happy about it. Although, on the upside, it will probably end up saving me a lot of money.

Allow me to explain.

I've been going to the same, ruinously expensive, hairstylist for several years now. I like it because he does some sort of fancy coloring process that takes about three minutes for highlights, instead of the usual half-hour of noxious chemicals, and I've always gotten a good haircut, even if he does tend to overstyle it. For the last couple of years it's been a little trickier to arrange my appointments, because the salon is in Berkeley and I am now in San Mateo, but those facts and fear of the new kept me loyal.

But this week I was off from work and, since I was headed East anyway for a party, I decided to combine the trip and made an appointment for the afternoon on New Years Eve. Feeling like something different, I suggested a shorter cut, maybe just to the top of the jawline, with some short layers around the face. The stylist nodded, played with my hair a bit, and said a few things in stylist-ese that I agreed to because that's what I do. Besides, I trusted his judgement, right?

Well.



There is a problem. The problem is that I have had this hairstyle once before, for the entire duration of 2001, when I was growing my hair out from the extremely short style I had had all the way through high school and college. It was a transitional period, and it was not my best time ever, looks-wise. And now I have paid a large amount of money to have it reproduced. You can imagine how I feel about this.

Now, it is possible that I may be wrong, that it is only my associations with the look that are making me dislike it and I will be able to style it so that it looks, in some way, stylish. And it will, of course, grow out, which I am seriously looking forward to.

And when it does, one thing is for damn sure: I am not taking it back to that place.

Project Hairway: The Return

Back by Popular Demand (by which I mean, Mary mentioned it), I bring you my traditional commentary on the new season of Project Runway, in which I judge the new crop of contestants strictly by their hair. I'm shallow, but consistent.


Christopher Straub:


Has grown a beard that outlines his face, without actually contributing anything to it. Is willing to expend a lot of effort on pointless details, which should serve him well in the fashion industry. Or he'll just end up putting borders on everything.




Johnny Sakalis:


Johnny is a recovering meth addict. We know this because, in the one episode we have seen so far, seemingly every time Johnny has encountered a camera, he has told it that he is a recovering meth addict. Therefore, the most reasonable explanation here is that he heard that traces of drugs can persist in a person's hair, so he cut it all off so that, in a moment of weakness he did not shave his head, grind up the hair and attempt to inject it directly into his veins.

Louise Black:


Hmm. Severe, retro haircut, dyed black. Pretty, with strong, equally retro makeup in bright colors.
Uh-oh.
Let's just hope a love of the twenties isn't the same kind of crazy-indicator as a Bettie Page obsession apparently is.




Ra'mon-Lawrence Coleman:


Because why have ordinary hair when you can lay out a tiny hedge maze on your head? Sure, it can be annoying when the tiny people get frustrated and try to hack their way back to the path, but that's just the price you have to pay for being an innovator.

The stupid little beard, however, is stupid.



Irina Shabayeva:


Ah, the "shampoo model caught in a windstorm" look. Dramatic, but difficult to maintain. Do you suppose she travels with her own wind machine? Because that could get awkward in the workroom.





Ari Fish:


It's cute hair, spunky hair. Unfortunately, it is also hair that does not know what a geodesic dome is (hint: it's not an ugly top made out of hexagonal quilting pieces), so sadly, it is also eliminated hair,





Qristyl Frazier:


Hey, we live in a post-racial era now, right? So I can totally comment on a black woman's hair without coming off as insensitive, offensive, condescending, or all three, right? Because all those problems are over now, and we have nothing to worry about.

Right.


Nicolas Putvinski:


Fun fact: This is exactly the same haircut that I had when I was four. Based on that, I would say that he is going to spend a lot of his time making up stories about his two Breyer horses who eat meat and are named Mary and Jesus. This may be a detriment to his chances in the competition.




Mitchell Hall:


The classic "trying so hard to look like I'm not trying" hair. Cut obtained for two hundred dollars at a salon with a one-word name, crafted to meticulously imitate the appearance of one obtained at Supercuts with a coupon. It must be so complicated to be a guy.




Shirin Askari:


See, being a girl is a lot simpler. You just say, "Give me pretty princess hair, and make sure it's all bouncy and wavy. I'm going to sit over here and practice posing for my eighth grade class pictures. Wait 'til you see it with the lasers!"




Gordana Gehlhausen:


It's a pity Runway has moved to Lifetime from Bravo, because this hair is crying out for a starring role on one of those Housewives shows. Can't you just see it, swanning around whatever enclave of the somewhat wealthy the producers have invaded this week, flitting past the manufactured dramas and dismissively flipping at the various antics of women whose guiding principle in life has been, "Just be nice to the gentlemen, Fancy, and they'll be nice to you."?

No? It's just me? Okay, never mind.



Epperson:


Dear Absurd Little Caucasian College Boys who are trying to prove they are cool and alternative and in touch with African/Caribbean culture by not washing their hair and hoping that it ends up looking like this:

It won't. Accept your limitations and invest in some shampoo and a pair of scissors.

Love,
Daisy


Carol Hannah Whitfield:


Ah, the grandeur that is Southern Hair. The volume, the gleaming blondeness. Is it something in the water? An extensive selective breeding program? The effects of long-term exposure to heavily sweetened iced tea? I'm afraid we may never know.




Logan Neitzel:


"You think I am just going to offer up my hair here, for you to judge? Do you know who my hair is? And no, I am not going to cultivate any sort of face-fungus to help you out here. If you want to know something about me, you are just going to have to read my bio, or watch my videos, or actually remember who the heck I was from the premier. Don't just think that I am going to give you anything."



Malvin Vien:


I don't care if it's an expression of your artistry. I don't care if it's ironic. I don't care if it's the way your mom cut your hair when you were eight and you loved it so much you never wanted it to change.

Dude: You have a mullet. It's time to rethink some life decisions here.

My Day In Clothes

Waking up-3:30: Nightgown, fleece.
3:30-5:00: Workout clothes.
5:00-Bedtime: Nightgown, fleece.

I am really going to miss being on vacation.

Project Hairway 2

Project Runway is back, for its last season before the Lifetime crapocalypse! In honor of the event, I am returning with my tradition of judging the contestants by their hair:

Kellie
Beehive, tattoos, black clothes-- it's kind of like if Amy Winehouse discovered deep conditioning and sandwiches.









Joe
"Hey, did you know there are guys who are, get this, attracted to women? No, seriously, it's like, genetic or something. Anyway, sometimes we have hair like this."






Kenley
Bettie Page, of course. Retro chicks always go for Bettie Page. Whatever; wake me up when someone turns up styled like Frederick Handley Page.







Jennifer
The kind of long, straight style that would make Nick on What Not to Wear repeatedly use the phrase "security blanket."









Terri
Hey Terri, Donna Summer called. She was going to ask for her hair back, but then she decided it looked pretty good on you, so she's letting it slide. I'd stay away from the one-shoulder shirts though, just to be on the safe side.





Blayne

My first impression: kinda cool fifty-something aging-surfer-dude. Actual fact twenty-seven year-old designer.
Seriously, buddy, the tanning booth is not your friend.






Suede
Some people look to past fashion icons for their hair choices, some draw inspiration from art or nature. And some people, apparently, style themselves after a home pregnancy test.

(This season: Suede. Next season: Naugahyde.)



Leanne
The kind of long, straight style that would make. . . Wait, didn't I already do this one?








Keith

When the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is to take a nice, refreshing swig of vodka, your grooming regimen had better be fairly simple.




Stella
One box Clairol Nice N' Easy hair color in 124 (Blue-black): $7.99
One Supercuts basic trim-and-bangs: 19.95
Knowing what an alternate-universe Cher who never made it big and got all the plastic surgery, and instead lived out her days busing tables at a leather bar in Duluth would look like: Priceless.




Korto
And in the category of Even I'm Not That Stupid: Me making fun of her hair. Next!







Daniel
Fine, go ahead and hide that headsuit under a jaunty hat. You still can't stop me from commenting on that artfully cultivated stubble, can you?
Seriously, do you have a special razor setting for that, or what?





Emily
On the other hand, why bother with hats when you can make your own ski cap out of hair? I guess when you're a designer, everything is material.






Jerell
Wait, this guy was on the show? Seriously? Huh.







Jerry, Wesley

Okay, guys, listen. Just because you take a bit of your hair and make it stand up in the middle does not mean you have "style". Try again.

No, Really, I'm Feeling Fine

One of the handy things about being sick is that it gives other people something to talk to you about. For example, as I was arriving at work yesterday, I ran into my next-door cube neighbor Marie. She asked me if I was getting over my cold and I said yes, though I was still having some sinus pressure. That inspired her to tell me about neti pots, and for the rest of the way up the stairs she was able to extol the virtues of washing your nose out with salt water.

Then, after we got to our desks, she sent me a video:



Warning: Video contains some disturbing images, including a woman with water coming out of her nose and a really unfortunate sweater.

Anatomy of a Fashion Disaster

I own a nearly shocking number of fabulous shoes. I shop with vim and purpose. I get my hair cut and colored at a fancy salon. And yet, deep in my heart, I know no matter what I do I can never be a truely stylish person, because I know that at one time I looked like this:



High waisted, acid washed, tapered jeans? Why yes. Oversized, "humorous" t-shirt that is not actually funny tucked into said jeans? Roger that. Not one, but two ridiculous necklaces, one a knit bag holding random items and the other a dead insect named Floyd encased in amber? But of course. Ugly, ill-fitted and wrinkled old-man sweater? Check. But really, can anything compete with the boy-band haircut with side- and back-fade? I didn't think so.

This, my friends, is what I looked like in the prime of my youth. Thank God that's over.

Sometimes, I Think Humanity Could Use a Good Smack Upside the Head

Last night I went to a Fashion Event (more on that later) that had as one of its sponsors Botox. But not the ordinary beauty-through-facial-immobilization Botox, oh no. At this event they were promoting "Project Sweatfree", the beauty industry's latest attempt to eliminate all evidence of women as biological organisms, this time by injecting a powerful neurotoxin into their armpits.

What's next, surgical booger removal?