BIG NEWS!

I wrote a book! And it's going to be published! This is more exclamation points than I used in the entire manuscript!!!

Yay!

(Actual website coming soon!)

Flying Shark Attacks Golf Course

Oh sure, the so-called authorities will claim it was dropped by a bird, but I think we all know the truth: At this moment, thousands of vicious, many-toothed man-eaters are preparing themselves for an aerial assault on our nations golfers, and there is a very real chance that we may not be there to watch.

I think we're gonna need a bigger cart.

Counterfeit Nazi Space Buddha!

Is there nothing left to believe in?

The bad news: A statue of Buddha, alleged to have carved out of a meteorite in the 11th century and looted from Tibet by a Nazi expedition in the thirties is a 20th century counterfeit, was probably never looted by anyone.

The good news: The meteorite part is true.

The movie pitch: It's "The Maltese Falcon" meets "Alien."

Your move, Mr. Lucas.

The Great Maple Syrup Heist: The Plot Thickens

We now interrupt your normal lack of programming to bring you exciting developments in the ongoing saga of the Great Maple Syrup heist: Canadian police report that they have potentially tracked some of the contraband to a syrup dealer in New Brunswick. The suspect sap has been confiscated for further study and it's source is being traced. Meanwhile, the retailer in question continues to assert his innocence, claiming that he is the victim of a smear campaign by the Quebec syrup cartel, with whom he has clashed in the past.


Buffalo remains on high alert.

Look! Up In the Sky!

A little excitement at work this morning, as it turned out our building was directly on the path the Endeavor flyby.

Naturally, everyone in the office park came out to watch:

(Not pictured: A whole bunch more people, including a group on the roof.)

We waited, and looked at the sky, and waited some more, and our site head threatened to make us go inside and do work and we waited a little more. Planes flew by on their way to SFO, causing brief, confused excitement, until a fuzzy dot appeared over the trees.

"That's it!" said the people with binoculars.
"Really?" said the people without binoculars.
"We're on the wrong side of the building," said the people with spacial sense.

A brief sprint later, we were able to get a slightly better view:

And then an even better one:

And then I stopped taking pictures for a little while, because some things are better actually seen than watched on a tiny screen while trying to focus.

And then it was gone:

Bye, shuttle.

Three Things You Probably Already Heard About

But better safe than sorry:

On the one hand, this seems like an excellent idea. On the other hand, having people dressed in full-body-suits grab children in dark movie theaters seems like it might have the potential to go wrong in some way.

Final, irrefutable proof that having a child makes you insane.

Sometimes, completely excessive setup for a very silly payoff is totally worth it. (I am particularly entertained by the Jenga one.)

Also: Can someone explain why the internet has gone suddenly crazy over the Gangnam Style thing? I mean, it's fun, but it's no cat trying to fit into boxes of decreasing size.

The Eh Files

Quebec Police Investigate Massive Maple Syrup Theft

Some questions:

At what point in your criminal career does it seem like a good idea to steal maple syrup? 

Are there specialists in this?

Will one of them appear in Ocean's 18.3.1, played by Dana Carvey?

How do you fence it?

"Hey, so I know a guy who knows a guy who can hook us up with some of the good stuff, man. I'm talking like, primo Montreal grade A amber, you got me? This stuff is sweet."

Should law enforcement be taking a close look at this group?

Or how about these hardened criminals?

"Strategic maple syrup reserves?"

What kind of strategy involves maple syrup?

Should Buffalo be worried? 

Bonus conspiracy theory:

I recently learned that FEMA maintains a "Waffle House Index" as a way of judging the severity of a storm's effects on an area by what they're serving, based on that chain's top-notch disaster-response strategy. ("If you get there and the Waffle House is closed?" FEMA Administrator Craig Fugate has said. "That's really bad. That's where you go to work.") But I ask you, what does a company known for getting back on track no matter what the circumstances do when their supply chain is disrupted? Might a stockpile of unattended syrup be too tempting a target? What's a little light larceny when compared with the needs of a desperate, waffle-loving public?

This Week In Alcohol-Induced Behavior

This guy was found drunk and naked with a lab full of monkeys, and these guys founded a Hall and Oates-based SuperPAC.

Discuss.

A Hundred Acres of Shadows

(Inspired by a true story. Loosely. With thanks to @bmahersciwriter and Captain Morgan.)

The bear lowered his rotund form into the chair and contemplated his guests.
"Well, gentlemen, I think you know why I've brought you here."
As they protested their ignorance, he slid a stoneware jar across the table and pointed to the label.
"Do you know what that says?"
The rabbit was the first to assay an answer.
"Um, well, it's supposed to be 'honey' but it's not spelled--"
"That's right, honey. And do you know what is actually in that jar? Or, rather, what isn't?" He held up a paw before they could respond. "Never mind, I'm sure you do. I'm sure you are aware that when the boys in my lab ran some basic tests on this alleged top-quality domestic honey you were so good to provide for me, they found that all of the pollen had mysteriously vanished from it."
"There must be some mistake," the owl protested weakly.
"Oh, a mistake?" The bear turned to the small pig who had been sitting in silence to his right
"Mr. Let, these gentlemen think that your boys made a mistake. Do you think that is possible?".
The pig shook his head slowly. "Never. Not a chance."
"Well, there you have it," said the bear. "I have to say, gentlemen, I am very disappointed in you. I have been running this operation under the name of Saunders," he indicated the sign over his head. "For many years now, and never before has this good name been sullied in any way. And now you have put me in the very uncomfortable position of having sold counterfeit Chinese honey to my valued customers."
"I assure you," said the owl. "We would never have--"
"Do you know what the Chinese do to their honey?" the bear went on, unheeding. "They water it down. Replace it with beet sugar, high fructose corn syrup. They let it get contaminated with antibiotics."
"Over in that room," he said, pointing to an interior door. "There is a baby kangaroo in the throes of a serious allergic reaction. He'll live, thanks to my doctors, but his mother is understandably concerned. Have you ever been kicked by an angry female kangaroo, gentlemen? No? Well, I wouldn't recommend it."
The pair on the other side of the desk looked at each other, then around the room for possible means of escape. But there was only one exit to the outside, and the bouncer was blocking it, poised to spring.
"We had no idea," the rabbit pleaded. "We were operating on good faith, I swear."
"Of course you were," the bear soothed. "Why wouldn't you be? Why would anyone take a cheap product and sell it at an incredible markup by claiming it was something else?"
"No," he said, shaking his head. "Of course I believe you. My friend here," he pointed to the donkey at his left. "He always sees the worst in everything, but I believe in fair play."
The bear stood up.
"My friends here are going to take you down to the footbridge over the creek. It would be a good idea for you to go with them quietly. When you get to the bridge, you are both going to jump off on the upstream side. One of you will come out the other side first. And the other one. . . won't."

Department of Story Ideas: The Meat-Eaters

The Inspiration:
A conversation over lunch during which someone mentioned ongoing efforts to create lab-grown meat. Apparently, it needs to be kept moving by the application of electrical shocks in order to develop properly. You see where I am going with this.

The Story:
As above, with some minor variations. Rather than using muscle cells directly from domestic pigs, the researchers choose a hardier variety of wild boar, genetically crossed with goose for flavor. In addition to the electricity the pieces of meat are given rudimentary nerve systems to increase their mobility and improve their texture and the ability to digest a variety of food sources so that manufacturers can alter the feed according to material prices. Everything is going great, until one night, when the power goes out to the feeding tanks and the meat gets hungry. . .

The Pitch:
It's Jurassic Park meets bacon.

The Tagline:
"Dinner is coming. . . for you!"

When Watermelons Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Watermelons

NEWSBREAK:  Exploding watermelons terrorize Chinese countryside*




Police departments nationwide have been put on high alert for produce trucks entering population centers and gardeners are encouraged to register existing melon patches with Homeland Security. Should you happen to see any unattended fruit, do not approach it; retreat to a safe distance and contact the authorities immediately.


*Some aspects of this headline have been exaggerated for dramatic purposes.
**Link courtesy of Aftertime.

Look, I'm Sorry, Okay?

To be fair, I did warn you.

Air Squid II

I'm not saying why I keep posting links to stories about squid that propel themselves through the air. I'm just saying: plot point.

The Scientific Process, Explained in Four Parts

Part 1: Perform groundbreaking research in a vital but technically complex field.

Part 2: Compose a press release and distribute it to the media.

Part 3: Observe as said media declares your discovery the "cure for the common cold."

Part 4: Drink.

[Full story here.]

Good To Know

(via)

Air Squid!

Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the water.

Key chilling quote:

"We now think there are dozens of species that do it. Squid are used to gliding in the water, so the same physiology probably allows them to maneuver and glide in the air. When you look at some of the pictures, it seems they are more or less using their fins as wings"

Clearly, it is only a matter of time before thy master the technique and begin terrorizing our coastal cities, swooping in to snatch up their prey with their whipping tentacles.

I think I speak for all of us when I say, we can only hope they get a Kardashian. 

Your Feet Are Not Ugly

This is a bit of a departure for me, but after reading this article in the Wall Street Journal (Go read it. I'll wait. Done? Good.) I feel the need to comment. One might assume from everything I've said here that I believe the wearing of fancy shoes is the be-all and end-all of female existence, and the ability to do so is worth any sacrifice. Which is a reasonable assumption, but it is wrong. I love shoes, and I will put up with a certain amount of discomfort to wear the shoes I love, but there is some distance between "put up with some discomfort" and "surgically alter my feet." A lot of distance, actually.

Does it really need to be said that this is madness? If a pair of shoes doesn't fit you, then the problem is that the shoes are not right for you, not that your feet are somehow defective. There are lots of shoes in the world; there are even people who will make them custom fitted just for you, which costs a lot of money, but a heck of a lot less than having your own personal bones removed for the sake of someone else's designs. There is not a "right" way for feet to be, aside from being functional at holding you upright and allowing you to move under your own steam.

In truth, feet are not generally very attractive things*. And that's okay. They're feet, they're supposed to look like that. They have lumpy bits, and toes of different lengths, and arches that come in a variety of heights, and you get what you get and then you work with it. (I, for example, have a sort of bony protrusion on both my heels that can lead to blistering, particularly in flats. So I tend to buy things a half size up and add heel liners to the back, which takes care of the problem nicely.) What you do not do is let random strangers determine what shape they are supposed to be, and then go and get yourself surgically altered to fit into this imaginary idea of correctness.

Really, your feet look fine. Trust me.


*Which is why I will never be able to endorse these, no matter how comfortable and evolutionarily appropriate people insist they are.

I Know This Conceit Has Kind Of Been Done To Death, But. . .

Spiders on a Boat

Update: Never mind, someone already made it.

Update 2: But wait! What if the spiders could swim? What if they were. . . (wait for it). . . Ocean Spiders!

The Real Dino-Chickens of Orange County

Remember Dino-Chickens? It turns out someone is trying to do it for real. I'll admit, I have my questions about his genetics methodology, in the sense that he doesn't really have one, but the real reason this annoys me is that now everyone is going to be writing Dino-Chicken books, and I'm going to look like I'm late for the party.

(For the record, I had not heard of this story when I wrote the original post, which was inspired (obviously) by this web comic.)

But, How Would They Know What He Smells Like?

Have you ever asked yourself, "I would like to find some examples of paranoid schizophrenia, but I just don't know where to look."? Yes? Well then, I suggest you try the "Contact Us" form on the Pentagon's website. Also handy if you need examples of a basic lack of understanding of physics!

Although, the bear thing would totally work. The trick is to figure out how to get them to call you when they find him.


(via Dave Barry's blog)