Giant Killer Everything

The problem with (best part of?) reading science news is how much of it would make awesomely terrible (terribly awesome?) book plots. For example:

The First Sea Monster
Title needs some work, but set that baby loose on an unsuspecting* seaside town and/or freighter filled with illicit cargo and dangerous characters and let the magic** begin!


Prefer your disasters a little more global in scale? Well, no worries, Nature's got you covered.

Supervolcanos are nice enough, if you like that sort of thing, though the action is kind of a one-off and it's hard to sustain an entire story unless you can find a way of including Pierce Brosnan. Though I do like the idea of scientists cavalierly drilling into the top of an active volcano, unaware of the havoc they're about to unleash. But maybe that's just me.

Fungus could be interesting, but only if it's like that one that infects ants, takes over their brains so they climb to a high point and then explodes its spores out of their heads. That's a parasite with a sense of drama.

Solar flares have been done. A gamma burst is probably only going to be good if you want to set up a post-apocalypse situation, since there doesn't seem to be anything to be done about it.

But underwater landslides? Now we're talking. Especially if, let's say, a megalomaniac tycoon had just built an ultra-luxury underwater hotel in a remote part of the south Pacific, and in his careless pursuit of profit triggered a small but deadly slide, and created the potential for a much larger one threatening the coast of, let's say, Australia.

I think you can take it from there.



*As opposed to all those seaside towns that are constantly suspecting extinct underwater creatures.
** Where magic=decapitations.

The Origin of the Cheeses

In what is clearly the greatest discovery of the decade, scientists have recently identified the world's earliest known cheese-making equipment. Apparently, it existed 7,500 years ago and would have tasted something like mozzarella.

No word yet on whether primitive deep fryers or marinara sauce were found in the vicinity.

Counterfeit Nazi Space Buddha!

Is there nothing left to believe in?

The bad news: A statue of Buddha, alleged to have carved out of a meteorite in the 11th century and looted from Tibet by a Nazi expedition in the thirties is a 20th century counterfeit, was probably never looted by anyone.

The good news: The meteorite part is true.

The movie pitch: It's "The Maltese Falcon" meets "Alien."

Your move, Mr. Lucas.

You Know How It Is

A couple of the SOBs I have to work with:

What? It's Monday.

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?

Science Tip of the Day:

When applied to dry ice, 70% ethanol does not remain liquid.

I does, however, provide you with the means to make the World's Nastiest Snowball.

Science: Providing you with information you can use, but probably shouldn't.

On the Inspirational Properties of Travel

I'm back!* Yes, having survived my sojourn to the wilds of the Northeast, during which I had to contend with my inadequacies at a) candlepin bowling, b) pool and c) explaining what it is I do for a living without giving away the fact that I don't entirely understand it myself, I have returned home and to my true calling of writing severely run-on sentences for the internet. And despite what I just said, the trip was actually pretty good, though more so in the parts where Cameron and I were visiting Mary and Sean's lovely place in Cambridge, and less so when I struck off on my own for the work conference at the site in not-exactly-as-lovely Worcester. But, hey nothing wrong with meals you can expense.

There were plenty of interesting and informative presentations at the conference, some of which I even stayed awake for, but by far the best thing I learned there is that our company's laboratory site in that city** was built on the grounds of an old insane asylum. My boss, who was sitting next to me at the table at dinner when we learned this (and is aware of my not-exactly-literary ambitions) immediately declared that I should write a book about that, and I think he may be on to something. I mean, just think of the possibilities!

It starts slowly; a mysterious image in the UV picture of an agarose gel, a pool of blood on the floor that everyone blames on the guy doing the whole-blood work, even though he swears he didn't do it. Then all the mice in the animal facility start murdering each other, and someone discovers that the cold room has been maintaining its temperature despite the fact that the compressor has been broken for several months, and whenever anyone tries to generate a protein sequence all they can get, no matter what the real sequence, is a long series of repeats of "aspartic acid-isoleucine-glutamic acid."*** Then someone stays to work late, and the next morning his body is found in the autoclave, and pretty soon all kinds of science-type Hell is breaking loose. 


I think it could be a hit.


*Since Wednesday night. But I think it's petty to dwell on details like that, don't you?
**I'm avoiding mentioning my employer by name here on the off chance that someone there has figured out how to use google alerts, and puts me on some kind of watchlist.
***For assistance in understanding this joke, please see this page.

The Scientific Process, Explained in Four Parts

Part 1: Perform groundbreaking research in a vital but technically complex field.

Part 2: Compose a press release and distribute it to the media.

Part 3: Observe as said media declares your discovery the "cure for the common cold."

Part 4: Drink.

[Full story here.]

Truth In Advertising

If there's one thing you learn in the course of a career in science, it's the importance of labeling things clearly:

Key line from the description:

"These comfy t-shirts are a great way to reward staff and have a little fun in the lab."




On the plus side, I guess it's better than just sticking a hazmat sticker on anyone who annoys you.

Friday Fun Time!

No shoes this week, because I'm sneaking out early to head to the foothills to go drink wine with a bunch of people dressed like pirates* who may or may not be wearing tasteful boots.** Instead, I give you a Tour Of Things On The Internet.

Are these people serious? Because, on the one hand, they're selling their He-Man inspired paintings for upwards of three grand, which is serious money. On the other hand, they are He-Man inspired paintings. So I'm not sure.

They keep adding bacon to things. Newest additions to the repertoire: hot sauce, bloody mary rim salt, caviar. Also available: toasted ants. (Claimed to taste like bacon.)

Like cycling, but feel like the shorts don't make you look quite stupid enough? How about a bicycle/elliptical machine. Perfect for those times when you need to tell the world, "I am a bigger yuppie dork than any of you."

And finally: Monkeys hate flying squirrels. According to monkey annoyance experts (a job title I believe is science code for "we had some extra grant money lying around and the admin people wouldn't let us spend it on beer).

Also! Speaking of crazy scientists, this guy thought the best way to prove how serious he was about using the scientific process to uncover basic natural truths would be to send taunting emails to a biotech company, full of terrible rap lyrics about how great he is, plus bad grammar. Yay, science!


*I will not be dressed like a pirate. But I will be wearing a scarf with skulls on it, unless it's too hot.
**I'm gonna go with "not."

Air Squid!

Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the water.

Key chilling quote:

"We now think there are dozens of species that do it. Squid are used to gliding in the water, so the same physiology probably allows them to maneuver and glide in the air. When you look at some of the pictures, it seems they are more or less using their fins as wings"

Clearly, it is only a matter of time before thy master the technique and begin terrorizing our coastal cities, swooping in to snatch up their prey with their whipping tentacles.

I think I speak for all of us when I say, we can only hope they get a Kardashian. 

The Real Dino-Chickens of Orange County

Remember Dino-Chickens? It turns out someone is trying to do it for real. I'll admit, I have my questions about his genetics methodology, in the sense that he doesn't really have one, but the real reason this annoys me is that now everyone is going to be writing Dino-Chicken books, and I'm going to look like I'm late for the party.

(For the record, I had not heard of this story when I wrote the original post, which was inspired (obviously) by this web comic.)

Misunderstood Lyric of the Day

And proof that science has taken over my brain: I listen to this song and I keep hearing "t regs."



Also, I think he may have overpaid for that video.

The Hours Aren't Great, But You Wouldn't Believe the Benefits

This sign showed up outside the bathrooms at work the other day:



Yum!

Why Do Government Scientists Get To Have All The Fun?

Researchers at Los Alamos kind of, accidentally, partially blow up a building.





Whoops.

Scent of a Dead Person

Looking for that perfect gift for someone with a celebrity obsession and very little understanding of molecular biology? How about some cologne "Engineered from the(mtDNA)* of some of the most recognized Celebrities & Famous people in the world"? Celebrities and Famous people! The scent of DNA! And it's on sale!

I don't see how you can miss with this one.


*mitochondrial DNA. Which means you'll smell like anyone in their maternal line. Also, you will gain their ability to use the Force.

Conference: Day 0.5

Things I have learned so far today:

1. A small percentage of HIV-infected patients are able to control the disease with slightly autoreactive neutralizing antibodies.

2. The conference doesn't provide breakfast pastries, only coffee and tea.
2a. There is a Starbucks, but the line is long.
2b. The amount of frosting on the lemon poundcake is a bit much.

3. The new hot phrase in antibody engineering is "There's a lot of room on the bottom." (Possibly paraphrased from Feynman.)

4. I can make it through about forty minutes of straight presentation time before I doze off.

5. The H1N1 virus is closely related to the 1918 influenza strain, and may have re-emerged in part because most of the people with protective immunity have died off.

6. San Diego isn't a lot of fun in the pouring rain.

7. (Addendum from last night) I really should not drink wine at work events

Double-Stuffed Oreos: The Quest for the Truth

Subtitle: Double or Nothing

With their labeling, Nabisco makes the bold, if implied claim that their "Double Stuffed" Oreos have double the stuff of a normal, or "wild type" Oreo. But do they? The question cried out to be tested. So I did.

Side-by-side comparison:




Materials:



-- Subject Cookies
-- Razor Blade (clean)
-- Weigh Paper

And, of course:


-- A lab coat with my name on it*


Procedure:

Pre-Weigh the Cookies

(All weights in grams, because we roll like that.)

Disassemble, employing the razor blade.



Weigh the Stuff.

Wild Type:



2x:




Based on these data, I would say that the more accurate title for the Double-Stuffed Oreo would be the 2.38x-Stuffed Oreo. I expect a renaming to be imminent.


*Yes, that is my name.

Why I Get a Flu Shot

Today, my left shoulder is hurting and I have been asked repeatedly if I have ever had an adverse reaction to eggs. That's right: I got my flu shot. There are various points of debate about the value of getting a flu shot, some of which are reasonable, others that are stupid. My reasons for getting it are twofold:

1) It is a truth universally acknowledged that having the flu is, for the most part, no more than a minorly unpleasant experience, somewhat mollified by the fact that you get to stay home and watch The Price is Right which, shockingly, Drew Carey is not doing that bad of a job at hosting. No, seriously; he seems to be genuinely happy for the contestants, and he manages to introduce Plinko with a totally straight face. So: the flu. Bad, but not that bad. Getting shots: also bad. What to do?

Well, the flu isn't entirely innocuous. After all, it does kill thousands of people every year, mostly small children and the elderly.

"But, so what," you say. "I am neither a small child or the elderly. How do I factor into this?"

First: You're a terrible person. Honestly, who says something like that? Also, you aren't considering the bigger picture here. Viruses don't spread themselves*. They need vectors; in this case people, in others, mosquitoes. Which means that all of us, struggling in to work, curled up and whimpering in bed, yelling at the TV that there is no way that a two-pack of toilet bowl cleaner goes for $12.73, are all node points in the great epidemian** flow chart.

Which means, assuming that the people who determine these things*** guess correctly as to which flu strains are going to be percolating though our collective bloodstreams this winter, by getting the vaccine you can turn yourself into a dead end on that path, and the fewer people there are spreading the virus, the less it will be spread, and the lower the chances it will reach one of those sensitive people who you are not. And while, statistically, the contribution of one individual to this is almost vanishingly small,**** I figure it's probably the right thing to do.

2) My mom makes me.


Actually, it's mostly reason #2.

*At least, not until I finish my current "project." Then they will be sorry they laughed at me! Oh yes, they will be sorry.
**Firefox doesn't think this is a word; I think it should be.
***I'm pretty sure it's done by Magic 8-Ball.
****Just like voting!

You Kids Get Back In Here and Play Your Video Games!

Medical studies show first person shooters improve vision. Millions of guys suddenly claim they need treatment for "lazy eye."

Physics Question

They resupplied the free Cokes at work today, which was good. No complaints there. But they weren't cold, so I put one in the freezer for a while. When I took it out of the freezer and opened it, I found that it had partially frozen, so I left it on my desk while I went into lab. When I got back, I found a pool of Coke on my desk, and what was left in the can largely flat.

Question 1:
What happened?

Question 2:
Why does this sort of thing always happen to me?