Wednesday, March 29, 2006

'Little Things'

This is a short story I wrote a while ago, originally published in Futures Mystery Anthology Magazine as "Land of the Lost". I never liked that title. Anyway, I recorded it as an audio file and I thought I'd share, so let's see if this works:

Update: This needs some work.

Update: Okay, now let's try it.

Update: So, the site I tried to use wanted to automatically stream it, rather than let you click on a link. Can anybody tell that I have no idea what I'm doing?

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

My Picks

Now that I have successfully called one week, with Melissa leaving tonight, I think it's time for me to put up my picks for the order in which the contestants should be voted out for the rest of the season. I will be proven wrong, of course. Kevin will probably win. Or there will be a massive case of voter fraud and the producers will have no choice but to give the title to Bobby.
Anyway:
1: Melissa
2: Kevin
3: Kellie
4: Bucky
5: Lisa
6: Taylor
7: Katherine
8: Paris
9: Ace
Final three: Mandisa, Chris, Elliot- Honestly, I could go with any of them for the win.

Now, do either of my loyal readers have any thoughts on the matter?

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Theme Nights We Will Probably Not See on American Idol This Season

NWA's Greatest Hits
Cartoon Theme Songs of the '80s
The Tom Lehrer Songbook
Country Songs You Think Are About A Breakup But Turn Out To Really Be About A Lover Who Died
Nelson: The Masterworks
Ska
The 1830s
Drinking Songs
Louie, Louie

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

When Characters Attack

I have some new tenants in my head this week. Their names are Cherry Bomb and Sensible Emma, and they want me to write a book about them. I've tried to tell them that I'd love to, and I'm sure they're great characters, but I'm already writing a book and there aren't any openings in it for them.
"We don't want to be in that book," they say. "We want our own book."
"But I like this book," I tell them. "I've got a plot and characters and most of a draft written. It's about murders in a town full of people who are quarantined for a fatal disease, and it's about death and despair and murder and death. And it's funny."
"You can't write that," they say. "What do you know about culture and society and desperation? Who do you think you are anyway? You should only write dumb, silly stuff."
"Who introduced you guys to my insecurities?"
"Seriously," they tell me, "we would make a great book. It would be like if you took Sherlock Holmes, P.G. Wodehouse, and Bridget Jones and mixed them all together, and then dropped acid."
"But I don't do drugs," I say. "I'm crazy enough as it is."
"Exactly! That's why we're perfect for you."
"Right, well where's your plot then? You didn't bring one, did you? Setting? Theme? Auxiliary characters?" I shake my head at them internally. (Which is, frankly, rather uncomfortable.) "Look, you can't just show up here with some character sketches, a backstory and a good opening line and think that just because I'm in a rough patch with my book that I'm going to just drop it and work on yours. I like you guys, I really do, but there's no use just starting things if you aren't going to finish them, and I've already started this one."
"But you might lose us," they warn me. "We're a lot of fun, but we're not going to stick around forever. By the time you're ready for us, you might not even remember our names."
"All right, fine. Maybe tonight, while I'm watching American Idol, I might do some outlining. But that's it, okay?"

Some people want to know how writers get their ideas. I want to know how they get them to shut up.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Songs that the remaining Idol contestants should by no means sing

Chris: 'MmmBop', Hansen
Kellie: 'My Humps', The Black Eyes Peas
Will: 'Enter Sandman', Metallica
Kevin: 'Let's Get It On', Marvin Gaye
Ayla: 'In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida', Iron Butterfly
Elliot: 'Copacabana', Barry Manilow (Actually, no one should sing this one. Ever again.)
Mandisa: 'Hey Mickey', Toni Basil
Ace: 'Buffalo Soldier', Bob Marley
Bucky: 'H.O.V.A.', Jay-Z
Kinnik: 'I'm a Little Teapot', Various
Melissa: 'Blitzkrieg Bop', The Ramones
Gedeon:'The Sound of Settling', Death Cab For Cutie
Paris: 'You Light Up My Life', Debbie Boone (See 'Copacabana', above.)
Lisa: 'Bitch', Meredith Brooks
Taylor: 'Dirrty', Christina Aguilera

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

And Now For the Guys

Taylor: 'The Runaround', Blues Traveler
Kinda funny-looking, harmonica-playing dude, meet John Popper.

Bucky: 'Friends in Low Places', Garth Brooks
Not that he has a snowball's chance in hell of making it, but a country crowd-pleaser like this might be enough to keep him around for another week.

David: 'In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning', Carly Simon (and others)
Old-fashioned enough for his style, modern enough to win people over.

Chris: 'The Best of You', Foo Fighters
Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, rockers gotta rock.

Elliot: 'With or Without You', U2
No real reason; I just like the song and I think he could do it.

Kevin: 'Yellow', Coldplay
Stick to songs by white people, kid.

Sway: 'No Myth', Michael Penn
Well, was if he was Romeo in black jeans?

Gedeon: 'Smile', Nat 'King' Cole
Would be funny, but I doubt he could make it through this (sad) song without grinning.

Will: 'I Want It That Way', The Backstreet Boys'
Give the tweenyboppers what they want.

Ace: 'Call and Answer', Barenaked Ladies
I would just melt. Someone would literally have to come over with a roll of paper towels and mop me up off the floor.

Okay, not literally.