Since You Asked: Dear Lucky

The following is an actual question from a reader that appeared in this month's Lucky magazine. I thought I'd help out by answering it for them.

Q: So, I just turned 25 and I still have no wrinkles (phew!), but I want to do the best thing for my face to prevent aging. I already wear SPF every day, but I never know what kind of face creams to buy specifically for antiaging. Should I be wearing anti-wrinkle cream, or will wearing it too soon make my skin immune to it in the future?

Dear Person,

I will be happy to answer your question, but first I have to go slam my head in the freezer door a few times. Be right back.
.
.
.
Okay! Right, where were we? Oh yes, your question. Well, as happy as I am for you that you have managed to avoid developing wrinkles at the ripe old age of 25, and that you are taking measures to avoid excessive sun exposure-- that can increase your risk of skin cancer, which some people actually consider to be worse-- I am afraid that there is one key beauty tip you've missed out on. This may come as a shock to you, but the truth is that being a shallow, image-obsessed moron who is so deeply insecure that she is panicking about wrinkles when she is barely out of her teens is even less attractive than someone who might have a couple of lines on her face. For your situation, I would recommend developing a self-image that is not completely dependent on the appeal of your youth, and maybe taking up a hobby. I understand that decoupage can be very soothing.

As far as the second part of your question goes, I am afraid I am not going to be able to answer that in any useful way because it depends on a) the idea that anti-wrinkle creams have any efficacy whatsoever and b) an understanding of the concept of immunity that is so poor that any explanation I attempted would simply bounce off your incomprehension, like pennies off your inevitable facelift. So, in short: No.


All the Best,
Daisy

Recipes For the Lazy and Incompetent: Sausage with Cabbage and Chard

New feature! Why should competent cooks be the only ones who share their recipes? I have the culinary abilities of a drunk five-year-old who somehow got into the kitchen knives, and the way I figure it, if I can manage to prepare a dish on a regular basis, then anyone should be able to do it. (Fair warning: My devotion to prepared ingredients makes Sandra Lee look like Alice Waters. But what I lack in authenticity, I make up for in pictures.)

So, Sausage with Cabbage and Chard

First, you'll need some sausages. (Chicken-apple in this case.)

Also, some cabbage, chopped smallish.

That's not a knife.

This is a knife.

Shoesday: The Everyday Louboutins

Let's talk about secret weapons.

Actually, scratch that. A secret weapon is only useful if you actually use it, and that can get messy. So let's talk about weapons everybody knows you have, which are a lot more fun. Also, let's acknowledge that what we're really talking about are shoes.

Recently, I had a fancy-shoe epiphany*. In a moment of clarity, I realized that, as fun as it is to have beautiful, expensive dress shoes, you** just don't have that many opportunities to wear them. So you end up inventing excuses for overdressing, culminating in the time you show up at work wearing a hat, because you just bought a hat*** and you are suddenly aware that you have no idea where to wear it.

What I'm saying is, fancy shoes are even better for everyday wear. Yes, they are expensive, even if you buy them on sale in Las Vegas and only briefly freak out that someone has stolen your credit card, when in fact you dropped it at the last store, but the price per use is going to be much better than if you spent less on something sparkly. (Not that I have anything against things that are sparkly.) Also, if you have shopped wisely, they should be well-made and nicely balanced, making them relatively comfortable for the heel height. At least these are.

But really, let's not kid ourselves. This post is not about quality craftsmanship or value for money. It is about going out to lunch and having someone recognize you by the soles of your shoes, and it is about walking into any store you choose and getting exactly zero crap from the salespeople, even if you are clearly just browsing to kill time. And it is about feeling like you are fabulous even if the rest of your outfit is from Target, because you know it's true.

We are living in a material world, and I am damn good at it.


*Are there other kinds? I hadn't noticed.
**I
***Actually, three.

Rebel Yell

Take that, Authority!

Ugly Things for Rich People: Accessories Edition

It's the accessories that make an outfit. These accessories make an outfit stupid.

Marc Jacobs gloves, $850

I'm not generally a person who will get all frothing-at-the-mouth-y about wearing fur, but honestly: Some poor animal died so that you could go out in public wearing fuzzy fingerless boxing gloves and that render your hands totally useless. I hope you sent some nice flowers to its family.

(See also.)

Benoit Missolin headband, $195

Handy tip: If you are a wealthy older man and your new wife just purchased this on the credit card you gave her, all of your friends are laughing at you behind your back.

DSquared2 scarf, $165

Dolce & Gabbana scarf, $155

This is going to be the primary enduring legacy of the Occupy Wall Street movement, isn't it? The appearance of wealth will become so unfashionable that even people who think nothing of spending over a hundred dollars on a trendy scarf will want one that looks like they stole it off a hobo.

Junya Watanabe scarf, $1,460

I do understand that there are places where "winter cold" means something more than "hey, I can see my breath!" However, I refuse to believe there is any ambient temperature that justifies going out looking like you are in the process of springing fully-formed from the Cookie Monster's skull.

Guiseppe Zanotti sleeves, $245

Are you bothered that so many items of clothing do not come with rhinestone-embellished sleeves? Do your shoulders get unbearably hot while the rest of your arms remain freezing? Do you feel like there is a certain amount of Elvis missing in your life? Will you buy absolutely anything if it's on sale?

Well, have I got a product for you.

Undercover pouch, $435

Yes, I know, the pop art movement was very modern sixty years ago. But don't you think it's time you stopped pretending this sort of thing is 'edgy' or 'artistic' or a commentary on anything, and admit you just spent four hundred dollars for a piece of plastic with a picture of a cookie package on it? The world would be a better place.

Crime Scene at My Fingertips

I'm not a big Halloween person (Except for the candy. I am definitely a big candy person.), but I came across this nail-polish tutorial and decided to give it a try. I think it turned out pretty well-- the only downside is that occasionally I will be eating something and be briefly freaked out by my nails, before I remember that I painted them that way.

Black and White and Noir All Over

Penguins: The enlightened suburbanites of the animal world. Community-oriented and conservatively dressed, they moved to a dull, out-of-the-way, but safe, neighborhood for the sake of their children, and the parents take turns commuting to fish. But could there be a dark side to this domestic simplicity? A criminal element lurking in their midst, spoiling a perfect day like a rotting haddock?

Yes. Yes, there could.

(video via The Proceedings of the Ever So Strange)


In fact, I think I feel a new literary genre coming on.

I looked across the hoard and gave a low whistle through my beak. Hundreds of pebbles, probably some of the best in Antarctica, all packed together in one crevice. No penguin had gathered these on his own. We were looking at the results of the biggest organized pebble heist the colony had ever seen.

Tuxedo Joey was defiant.

"I don't know nothin' and you can't prove it," he said. "Everything was like this when I found it."

I looked him over. Joey Tux (as what passed for his friends called him) was a born liar, but this time I believed him. His nests were some of the worst on the ice shelf.

"Fine," I said. "They're not yours. So whose are they?"

"Excuse me," said a soft voice from behind my left shoulder. "I hope I'm not interrupting here."
Joey's eyes went wide and I turned around to look.

She was a female, back early from the hunting grounds, lush and full of fish. Probably the most gorgeous chick I had ever seen, with her sharp orange beak, bright beady eyes and a snow-white belly that curved like the smoothest pebble in the world.

She was as beautiful as a herring and as dangerous as a fur seal.


"Hello, big boy," she said in a sultry chirp. "Nice rocks."

Thurscheese: Pierce Point

Pierce Point cheese from Cowgirl Creamery

Confession: I did not take this picture. I know this is not the kind of intellectual honesty you have come to expect from this blog, but I think it's time we all lowered our standards a bit. Don't you?

Anyway, one thing that does not have low standards is this cheese. (Transition! I think that went pretty smoothly.) If you had suggested to me that it might be a good idea to take a soft cow's-milk cheese and slap some herbs and flowers on it, I would have smiled kindly and ask who had been mixing your drinks, but the truth is that it really works. It helps that the cheese itself is quite mild, and so are the herbs, so the effect is less a mouthful of greenery than a breath of spring air in a meadow, but without the cow poop. Kind of the same way a good oyster gives you the sensation of tasting the sea in a way that's very different from getting a mouthful of salt water.

Assuming nobody stops me, this is going on the cheese table for the wedding.

Open Letters to Stupid People, Part 3: Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA

Dear Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA,

I suppose, given that I have already received interesting information on other people's tax returns and loan documents, it was only a matter of time before someone who didn't care to share their actual email address would use mine for a docusign document relating to their car insurance. Still, I find it rather insensitive of you, Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA, that you would let a total stranger know that you wish to exclude Jaskaran Singh from your policy. After all, Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA, that kind of information might be somewhat embarrassing for a person, and it isn't the kind of thing you would want to broadcast to just anyone.

Sincerely,
The Person Whose Email Address You Have Been Using

p.s. I declined to sign the document.

Thurscheese: Tiny brie!

Trader Joe's is a wonderous place, isn't it? Even stupid impulse buys made in a moment of hunger-driven idiocy can turn out well there. Take this, for example.* If person is shopping for frozen lunches on an empty stomach comes across a bag a of individually packed little cups labeled "brie" and buys them because she thinks that sounds like fun and it gives her an excuse to buy crackers, what she deserves to get is some sort of texture-adjusted processed cheese food product that has been flavored according to what a focus group in Chino thinks brie ought to taste like. No reasonable person would expect to get actual tiny rounds of cheese, but that seems to be what has happened here. And they are delicious.

And just in case you think I'm making this whole thing up and that picture is actually of a regular-sized round of brie and a really large plastic knife, I give you this final proof:

I hope that's settled, then.



*Actually, you can't, because I already ate it.

Ugly Clothes For Rich People: Menswear Edition

Conclusive proof that having only one X-chromosome is not sufficient to prevent a person from dressing like an idiot.

DSquared2 Cardigan, $765

Layer under a denim jacket to look both stupid and redundant!

Libertine t-shirt, $150

I realize it's some sort of guy thing to wear items of clothing until long after they have developed significant holes in them, but this seems like it's taking things a bit too far.

Veronique Branquinho overalls, $770

The manly style of auto-shop coveralls and the flattering comfort of shorts, together at last!

Neil Barrett vest, $355

"Hey, Chauncy, have you seen the front section of that double-breasted jacket I was working on? I left it right here, next to that pile of things you were going to send to the factory for production, and now I can't find it."

Comme des Garcons dickey, $240

We don't make the shirt. We make the strip of frilly fabric you attach to the shirt. And then we charge you $240 for it.

Ann Demeulemeester jacket, $870

"Oh, honey, that looks so cute on you! Hold still so I can take a picture to send to your Aunt Ann to show her how much you like the jacket she made. Smile!"

Maison Martin Margiela jacket, $1490

What we have here is a demonstration the limitations of the average menswear model. Clearly, this jacket was meant to be worn by the MC for an off-Strip Vegas lounge show, or the guy who tells people on The Price Is Right to come on down.

Yohji Yamamoto coat, $4340

Perfect for that all-important first dinner with her parents!

Balmain t-shirt, $525

I generally try not to list things simply based on price, but honestly, why would you spend more than five hundred dollars on this shirt when you could have this one for a fraction of the cost?

Greg Lauren jacket, $2485

"Dude, seriously, you need to get a new jacket. That thing is embarrassing." "No, it's cool, I just bought this." "You did? What happened to it?" "Nothing happened. It came like this." ". . . Dude, seriously, you need to get a new jacket."

It's Time To Get Things Started

Muppet Show themed nail polish!

My birthday is next week.

Targeted marketing, meet your mark.

Cat On the Hat

For the fashion-forward crazy cat lady:

I say, if you're going to do this, you should go all the way and pair it with these shoes.

A Dating Site Even a Führer Could Love

I'm in a generous mood today, so I'm going to go ahead and assume the principle behind this website is merely another of the seemingly endless stream of increasingly-desperate social networking gimmicks, and not a statement of the belief that relationships only work when they are ethnically pure. Because I guess I can imagine the situation where you have a piece of photo-matching software and want to use it to start a business, and you remember that CSI episode where they said people are attracted to other people who look like them*, and it seems like a really great idea to declare that happy relationships come from people who look alike. And maybe it just never occurs to you to think about what the converse of that statement is: That people who do not look like each other will not be happy in their relationship. And that the world's leading cause of people not looking like each other is being from different ethnic backgrounds. Which is where it starts to get kind of problematic, for me.

On the other hand, if you want to maximize your potential for inbreeding and you don't like any of your cousins, I say go for it.


*It was in the first or second season, I think, the one with the little people.

Coming "Attractions"

Arriving soon on a blog near you*: Ugly Clothes For Rich People, Menswear Edition

Perhaps you do not think men's clothing offers enough scope for an entire blog post mocking its excesses. Perhaps you have not yet seen the three-hundred-dollar swim trunks with eyeballs on them.

They don't even go all the way around the back! If there's one thing I hate,** it's insufficient dedication to insanity.


*This one.
**There's way more than one thing.

Let's Do Some Math!

Drugs - People = Money

Drugs - Money = Huffing Whipped Cream Cans at Safeway

(People - Money + Drugs)*Dignity^-1 = VH1

People - Pictures + Words = Newsweek

People - Words + Pictures = Star

People + People = Hell

Money + Money = Problems + Problems

Money + Money + Money = Must Be Funny In a Rich Man's World

Money + Money + Money + Money = Money!

Socks + Boots + Drugs - Money = These.

Wedding Zombie Will Eat Your Brain

I thought I was safe.

Certainly, I knew I had my vulnerabilities; I had heard its shuffling feet in my brief contemplation of guest favors, and felt its cold fingers when contemplating if it was possible to combine the old/blue somethings into one item. But it wasn't until we completed the budget spreadsheet that the terrible truth became unavoidable:

The Wedding Zombie had gotten my brain.

Wedding Zombie is slow-moving but inexorable. It has no concept of money, knowing only of its relentless desire to feed. And its food is expensive. For example, the food, because the Wedding Zombie knows that even if you have never thrown a party more elaborate than "Super Bowl Potluck," you cannot be allowed to let your guests get away without at least three courses. It is a mindless thing, its consciousness formed by a tightly wound bundle of magazine articles, Barbie outfits, smug criticisms of other weddings you attend, vanities, and "it's just what you have to do."  Nothing is examined, because the Wedding Zombie has no brain of its own. All it knows is that it wants yours.

You may think you can build zombie-proof armor out of good sense and strict budgeting, but Wedding Zombie knows your weaknesses. Because that kevlar vest has a hole right where your latent desire to own one fabulous designer dress is, and there's a fine crack in your goalie helmet that runs along your love of cheese, right up to the point where you fantasize about starting the reception with a personally curated cheese table that everyone will admire. And by the time you even realize the crack is there, it's too late, and the Wedding Zombie is already digging in to your hippocampus.

So what can you do? You can try to make a run to the bunker of elopement, but be aware that you may already be infected with latent spores, which will activate when you least expect them and you will find yourself suddenly compelled, well into your retirement, to stage an elaborate faux-wedding charade, depleting your 401k and confusing your grandchildren because you "didn't get to have a real wedding." Or you can fight back with blasts to the head with the shotgun of reality and enlist someone you trust to know you are too far gone and do the humane thing: Take you out back and cut up your credit cards.

Sunday Dinner: An Adventure in Pictures

Potential new semi-regular feature here, where I demonstrate recipes so foolproof that even I can't screw them up, though not for a lack of trying. Today we're starting with one of my more elaborate attempts: making choucroute garni. Or, as it has come to be known around here, "the big pile of pork" dish. It works as both a hearty dinner and an air freshener, as long as you like your fresh air to smell like cooked pork, amd it's so easy to make that at times it can seem like it would be harder not to make it. Here, then, are the steps:

Step 1:*
Get some potatoes and peel them. I used Yukon golds because I like them as chips.

Step 2:
Cut the potatoes into rough quarters.

Step 3:
Acquire enough cured pork products that you could, if necessary, reconstruct a small pig.

Step 4:
Boil the potatoes.**

Financial Update for Daisy Johny

Dear Daisy Johny,

Just thought you'd like to know that your loan of 20,900 Rs* has gone through, and your EMI amount is 2090 Rs, according to the loan documents that continue to be sent to my email address, despite it not being yours. And thanks a lot, because despite the fact that I have no obligations to someone who treats me like their own personal spam folder, now you've got me feeling kind of bad about going after a person who would take out a loan for $452.58, repayable over eight months. I mean, not bad enough to not actually write this, but still. We really have to stop meeting like this.

Sincerely,
The (now slightly-conflicted) Person Whose Email You Have Been Using



*Indian Rupees. Currently trading at 46.2 rupees to the dollar.

Ugly Clothes For Rich People, Part VII

Surprising Fact: In the time it took me to stop goofing off and write another one of these posts, many of the items I had chosen sold out.

Unsurprising Fact: Most of the remaining items have been deeply discounted, making them less hilariously expensive than they were. But I think we can all agree that we can still find better things to spend a hundred and thirty-eight dollars on. Like 414 packs of pixy sticks.

Costume National dress, $265

Ever have trouble deciding which tablecloth to staple to your bra for your big evening out? Don't choose-- wear them all!

Parah dress, $138

Plausible explanations for this dress:
1. Got torn on the way to the photoshoot, photographer too drunk to notice.
2. Prototype torn up by designer in a fit of rage, hilarious series of mix-ups results in it being sent to the factory for production.
3. Retailer told them to "add a slit," were not specific enough about placement.

Yeolee jumpsuit, $165

Sure, it may look like a couple of old table runners and a shower curtain, but that's just because you don't understand Fashion.

Preen pants, $160

I will only accept these if the panels are interchangeable.

Jil Sander dress, $5980

If you buy this, there is at least a 50% chance you would end up wearing the garment bag by mistake.

Comme des Garcons shorts, $165

How does this happen? How does an item like this make it from conception, though design, prototyping, production, model fittings, runway shows and sales calls without anyone taking one look at it and laughing so hard they choke on their own drool and need to go outside for a bit to recover?

How many drugs are these people on?