Have you ever asked yourself, "I would like to find some examples of paranoid schizophrenia, but I just don't know where to look."? Yes? Well then, I suggest you try the "Contact Us" form on the Pentagon's website. Also handy if you need examples of a basic lack of understanding of physics!
Although, the bear thing would totally work. The trick is to figure out how to get them to call you when they find him.
(via Dave Barry's blog)