Shoefinder: For Professor Abigail

Guess what? Abigail is going to be a professor!


(Tyler will remain a cat.)

She just accepted a position at a university, where she will be teaching undergrads and running a chemistry research lab. So, naturally, she is going to need shoes that are appropriate to teaching undergrads and running a chemistry research lab. That's where I come in.

So, what we're looking for here is something young enough to not look to old, and old enough not to look to young, stylish enough to impress her students but mature enough to make it clear she belongs with the adults. Also, closed toes and comfort, because we are talking about a chem lab here.

Got all that? Okay, let's get started.


I love Faryl Robin for comfort, and these are cute enough to escape the curse of the ugly comfort shoe. Also, you should never overlook the versatility of a bit of shine or sparkle.


Of course, sometimes sparkle and shine isn't what you're* looking for. Sometimes you'd prefer something a little simpler or sportier.I like the subtle detailing on these, and you have to admit that the price is right. And "wet/dry traction" seems like something that might come in handy in the DC area. I hear it gets wet there sometimes. Given that, I think looking at a couple other options.


Okay, I hear you. "Young?," you're saying. "Fun? Seriously, you're passing off Topsiders as your big inspiration?" And fine, I'll admit, you have a point. I was trying to be practical, but clearly, it's time to break out of the box a little bit. Let's have some Fluevogs.

These are actually pretty restrained for the loopy Vancouver-based line. Some of their other styles are, well, let's just say they're for people with a really specific personal style. Not that there's anything wrong with that. (Make sure you don't miss the FAQ page.)



Now, this is me. And it wouldn't be me if I didn't recommend something a little bit, shall we say, high-end. And if it wasn't me, then how would I have gotten the password to get in here and write this post. So I'm clearly going to post these. What can I say? I'm just a sucker for some Sigerson Morrison.



Okay, yeah, I'm just shopping for myself now.



*And by "you" I mean "not me."

Shoesday Slideshow: Updated!

In response to Karen's comment, I bring you: Tuesday's slideshow, now with music!



Warning: Music is very boring. It was supposed to be this, but it isn't. Clearly, I haven't totally figured this out yet.

I Don't Think That Word Means What You Think It Means II

Ebay edition!

For a police motorcycle:
If you are looking for a nice RT-P with literally all the bells and whistles, this is the one.
But does it have ribbons for the handlebars?


Some sort of premade website:
...you can choose from almost literally millions of videos to embed right on your own website
Almost literally? So they're still mostly figurative?

A CD:
It’s safe to say that it’s a rare event indeed to have a Beta-lactam ring release that literally sits up in front of you as clear as day armed with lulling melodies. . .
Are you sure it's safe to say that? Because if you did, people might think you were on drugs or something, and not let you drive your car home.

Get-Rich-Quick DVD scheme:
This report literally is a connect the dots blueprint for creating a products and sites to sell them like crazy!
Sure, it sounds like a good idea, but do you have any idea how much trouble connect the dots blueprints are? Miss one number and good luck keeping that roof from collapsing.

A Thomas Kinkaid painting:
Hand Embellished by a Master Highlighter The artwork literally glows
I have a terrible feeling this might actually be true.

Reality Shows On Which Tiger Woods's Mistresses Are Likely To Appear*, In Order Of Decreasing Probability

1. Cheaters (duh)
2. Rock of Love Bus
3. Jersey Shore
4. Tool Academy
5. The Bachelor
6. The Real Housewives of Orange County/New York/D.C./Atlanta/the parking lot behind the Waffle House
7. Celebrity Apprentice
8. Celebrity Fit Club
9. Celebrity Rehab
10. Dancing With the Stars
11. Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?
12. Dirty Jobs
13. Hoarders
14. The Ultimate Fighter
15. Top Chef
16. Little People, Big World
17. Swamp Loggers
18. Nova


*It is entirely possible that some of them have already been on one or all of these; I really haven't been keeping track.

Tomatoes In Potentia

If I get two of them to sprout, I'm calling it a win.

Shoesday: Just Hang On a Sec While I Set Up the Projector

I'm not sure exactly how long I've been doing this*. But it seems like a while, and there certainly are a lot of photos in my "shoes" file, so I think it's time for a slideshow retrospective. Also, I'm out of pictures and we haven't gotten around to taking more. So sit back, put on some music, pour your self a drink or three and please, enjoy.

Also, if you see anything here I haven't written about yet, please let me know. I may have missed a couple.

*I could check, but why?

The Internet Finally Reaches Its Full Potential

As an egg timer.

Pants!

If there has been one clear winner in the Vancouver Winter Olympics, it is the Norwegian men's curling team's pants. Beloved by the media and approaching 250,000 Facebook fans, they are getting significantly more attention during these Games than all of the ski jumpers combined. And the best part? These cray EuroPants are actually the product of our very own California, where they were originally designed for golf! And even better than the best part? There are more, even crazier styles available!

Could this be the next great fashion trend? I say, bring it. They would certainly be a big improvement on jeggings.

Misunderstood Lyric of the Day

And proof that science has taken over my brain: I listen to this song and I keep hearing "t regs."



Also, I think he may have overpaid for that video.

Daisy Finds Shoes For You

Because this blog is nothing if not an altruistic, service-minded endeavor*, I have decided to devote a new occasional feature to assisting my fellow shoe-seekers in finding the footwear they need. All are invited to submit their requests, and if you don't, I'm going to start bugging you individually.

For our first subject, we have Crys, soon to be married to Cameron's longtime friend Mike, who needs comfortable green shoes for her summer wedding. Green isn't an easy color to find in formal shoes, but we're going to save her from the sad fate that is dyeables, aren't we? Yes, we are.

Of course, "green" as a concept covers a lot of territory. You have the very pale, possibly too informal, shade in a wedge, to some vibrant satin peep-toes that seem unlikely to meet the comfort criteria. I like these peep-toes, and the fact that they're Cole Haan speaks to potential comfort, but the price is kind of up there, and the color might be too dark for summer.

I like these as a sandal option; vibrant color, low heel and a little gold hardware to make them fancy. And, speaking of fancy, nothing says party like sparkles.

If it was me, I would probably go with these, but I am known to be somewhat unrestrained when it comes to shoe prices. There is also, of course, the flat option, which has the potential to not only be cute and relatively unblistery, but also shockingly inexpensive.

Of course, in my enthusiasm, I may have overlooked some pertinent details. Do they have Old Navy in Canada?


*Making it, I suppose, nothing.

I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

A collection of instances in which people on Twitter* have failed to fully grasp the definition of the word "literally." (Handles have been removed to protect me from angry, if poorly spelled, comments.)

My five and two year old literally lost their mind when we pulled up to the sign that said Welcome to Disney world..
Ah, yes, a day in the Heart of Disney with mindless automatons. These truly are the magic years. (Also: They only had one?)

SHES MAD PUMPED RIGHT NOW! her eyes literally popped out of her head! she wants to know if they have pictures?
Of her eyes? Wouldn't be my first concern, but okay.

I literally want to die lol
Considered a McQueen joke, decided against it. Too soon, and not really that funny.

Falling up...literally
Forgoing the traditional path of refereed journals, researchers in Bern decide to announce their anti-gravity breakthrough via Twitter.

Now im literally walking through hell for her
Say hi to Hitler for me!

I literally just DIED at Geri's walk. ZOMG
Maybe you can meet up with the last guy?

Ive got ants in my pants! Literally!
Another picnic goes horribly wrong.

Hatsumomo is on fire! Literally!
Stop drop and roll! Stop drop and roll!

Are you kidding? I'm stuck with the angel I literally ripped out of a higher plain of existence and interrogated for an hour.
I don't know what this means, but I'm pretty sure it's at least a short story plot.

lol sure u was! All I can say is! U got saved by the bell literally!
Did it block a bullet?

Omg I just turned to the game and my heart literally shattered. UGHHHHH!!!
Yeah, I guess that is the noise you would make.

today was a fairytale. literally.
Did someone have to cut off their toes? Die and turn into seafoam? Marry someone who turned into a bear?


And finally, a moment of hope for the future:

whats uppppppppp people.. bout to bounce in the shower.. not literally. just figuratively.


*By the way, if you spend any amount of time reading the way people in general write on twitter, your brain will melt and dribble out your ears.** Word of warning.
**Not literally.***
***But you'll wish it had.

Why the Biathalon Is the Greatest Sport of All Time

Or, at least, why it should be.

Shoesday: You Can't Always Get What You Want

But if you try sometimes/ You just might find/ You get some pretty cool boots for $35




Confession time: What I really wanted were these boots. Why don't I own them? Well, as absurd and unrestrained as my shoe spending may be to some* people, it does not actually extend to paying nearly eight hundred dollars for a pair of boots. I know, it's tragic. At any rate, since I am someone who Will Not Be Denied, I did not give up, I merely sought alternatives. Which is why, when Aerosoles put all of their boots on an additional thirty percent off, bringing the price of this pair down to the aforementioned thirty-five dollars. And yeah, they are kind of shiny, and made of fabric with fake scales glued on, and generally less overwhelmingly fabulous. On the other hand, for 4.5% of the price, I think I can live with that.

*Okay, most.

And the Nobel Prize For Best Use of Ghillie Suits in a Music Video Goes To

OK Go, "This Too Shall Pass"

Question

If I got dark green tights to go with my brown ankle boots, would I look cool or like I was appearing as a minor character in a community theater production of Robin Hood? Or both?

Looks Like It's a Quarter to NERD

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: The Math Clock. (I'll just wait here while some of you have to go and solve all of the equations. You know who you are.)

Shoesday: The Questions

Are they sneakers? Are they wedges? Is there any point to having laces that untie but do not actually functionally lace anything? Do they look kind of like nurse shoes? Do nurses even wear shoes like that any more? Why did nurses have special shoes to begin with? Was it a job requirement? How many professions have specific shoes? What would biologist shoes look like, if they existed? Is it really that important to wear closed-toe shoes in the lab when you don't work with anything much more dangerous than distilled water? How much trouble would I get into if I showed up in sandals? What on earth was that summer intern thinking when she came to work in platform flip-flops? Had she ever even seen a lab before? What is it with kids these days, anyway? Do you remember when MTV played videos? Do you remember when it was actually new and current to complain that MTV didn't play videos anymore? Do people even still make music videos? Why? Are any of them as good as this one? Can you not watch that now without thinking of this? What do you think she did after that random guy she had only met once in a comic book showed up in her apartment? Did she let him move in with her? Could he get a job with no way of proving he had ever existed in this plane? Did he go over to the comic artist's house and bug him about why he drew the mean guys with the wrenches? Have you seen Axe Cop? Do you remember how that sort of thing made perfect sense to you when you were five? How is it that it's so easy now to tie shoelaces, when it used to be so hard? Are pointless shoelaces, in fact, the ultimate luxury of adulthood? Or would that be rangpur lime jello shooters*?


*May substitute key lime juice if you don't have rangpur lime juice.**
**Who has rangpur lime juice?

Okay, Seriously

PajamaJeans? Pajama Jeans? Isn't this the sort of thing you dress a two-year-old in? Is there any sane person who would look at these and think they look like jeans? If someone wore these with Crocs, would my head explode? Please God, do not let this be the new Snuggie.

Word of warning, if I see you in these, I will hit you with a stick.



("Thanks" to the Fug Girls for the heads-up)

"The Holy Grail of Shoes"

No, not the shoes Jesus had the disciples doing wine-blood shots out of at the Last Supper. I'm talking about that most elusive of creatures, the totally comfortable, completely hot-looking high heels. Impossible, you say? No, just rare, and rarely cheap. But in the last week I have had two people, one a professional scientist and the other an Edgar nominated author, tell me they have found some, and both from the same brand. The surprising part? (No, not that a scientist and author would actually be telling me things.) (Okay, maybe that too.) That brand is Sofft, the stupidly spelled, largely dorky comfort line whose very website seems to be decorated with old-lady wallpaper.

And it's true, a lot of their offerings do fall in the seriously unfabulous and just plain dull bins, there are some gems among them. Sophie got her hands on a pair a lot like these*, and Fiona came back from running some very important work-related errands to give me the title to this post and brag about finding these, unintentionally on sale at Nordstrom. All of which leads me to one inevitable conclusion: I've got to get a piece of that action.

I think I'm getting these.



*I think. The link from the email stopped working.

Dillemma Solved!

Sometimes I wonder if I am too harsh in my thinking about the fashion industry and its totally irresponsible drive to push women towards insecurity and poor health for its own amusement, if perhaps I am being unfair and shrill and not all that interesting. And sometimes they make mannequins with visible ribs*:





I think I'm going to stick with my original answer here.


*This came from an actual shopping site that I visit, by the way. (membership required, and not worth bothering)

A Bad Sign, Interpreted

Bad Sign: You have been given a local anesthetic, and during the proceedings the doctor keeps asking you "Does this hurt?" in a tone that suggests he is surprised that you are saying no.

Interpretation: When that anesthetic wears off, it is going to hurt like a mother.

Shoesday: The Power, The Power

Fresh off my heavily-footnoted guest blogging stint at Pens Fatales and I am, of course, drunk with power. First this blog, then a brief appearance on another, more popular blog, then the world*! Please send all fan mail, media inquiries and movie deals to my assistant, who will ignore them and continue battleing twist ties**, because he is a cat. No blue M&Ms.

Naturally, a new media sensation such as myself needs appropriate shoes; professional enough for business lunches with overawed executives, but with a flair and edge that says, "I am representing the new paradigm, and we do not abide by your silly rules of oldness." Fortunately, I came prepared.


*That's how it goes, right?
**He's a tie-fighter! Get it?***
***I told that one to Cameron over dinner and I think he almost broke up with me.