Kickstarter of the Week*: Dogs in Cars

It's a photo book of dogs in cars. I don't totally get it, but I think I kind of love it.

*Or, rather, of however many weeks it takes before I do another one.

Ugly Clothes for Rich People X

Let's see what all the wealthy idiots will be wearing this season, shall we?

Thakoon coat, $1,990

"But Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella. "What if I get cold? It is the middle of fall, after all, as we can see by all these ripe pumpkins."
So her fairy godmother gathered up a horse blanket and a couple of shower mitts and waved her wand, and in a flash of light they were transformed into a lovely coat.
"Now remember," the Fairy Godmother said. "You must be home by midnight, before these things turn back into the pile of trash that they are and you end up looking ridiculous."

Nigel Cabourn pants, $865

Imagine, if you can, the process involved in buying these. A person, presumably sober, walking into the store, sees these pants, picks them up and decides to try them on, all without laughing so hard he has a seizure. Looking at himself in the mirror, he decides that yes, these are worth almost nine hundred dollars of his money. And then he pays for them and leaves, without once stopping to evaluate how his life got to this point.

Boggles the mind, doesn't it?

Moschino t-shirt, $295

 Nothing says kicky fun like contemplating suicide!

Emma Cook skirt, $335

 For some reason I am feeling a sudden impulse to tease my bangs. Someone hand me the Aquanet.

Ann Demeulmeester coat, $748

Paging Dr. Sparkles!

Why Did The Snake Cross The Path?

To escape the paparazzi.

Guess I can strike "wildlife photographer" off my alternate careers list.

Why Don't You Get Back To Me When You Figure It Out

Apparently, even the people who work at the cafeteria aren't that sure what goes into the food:

Reorg Day!

It's like this, but with more button-downs.

Kickstarter Project of the Week: Prospect Cemetary Documentary

I think it's time I take a little break from all the raging and talk about something positive for a change. So: cemeteries!

No, seriously. My friend Cornelia Read and her friend Peter Riegert are working on a documentary about the reclamation of the oldest cemetery in Jamacia, Queens, and they're funding the initial phase through Kickstarter.*


(The cemetery also features in Cornelia's book Invisible Boy, which you should definitely read, only not in a place where it will be a problem if you start crying, like on a job interview or at the dentist.)

Note: I'm trying to embed the video, but it's not working very well. Will try again later. Anyway, you should probably just follow the link and watch it.


*If you aren't familiar with it, Kickstarter is a mirco-financing website, where people post projects they are working on, with a funding goal and a deadline for funding. There are awards for different levels of donations** and all the money is collected through Amazon's billing system. My favorite thing that I've backed so far is these plush DNA nucleotides, which are so wonderful I can't even.

**Like PBS, but with fewer tote bags.

Since You Asked: Brides Magazine Advice Column

The upside/downside of our recent home invasion by Brides magazine is the truly wonderful advice column. I may have to offer my help to all of the questioners eventually, but for now let's just take it from the top.

My fiance's family is showing zero interest in planning the wedding, while my parents are really involved. He tells me not to take offense-- it's just how they are-- but I'm starting to feel like they don't like me. Is this normal? Should I say something to them?

Dear Person,

The columnist addressed the functional part of your question in her answer-- pointing out that they may be staying out of your hair out of kindness, or just because they have better things to do*-- so I'm going to skip that and get to your Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Have you always felt that other people should arrange their lives entirely around your interests, or is it a new thing? I realize that a couple of hours spent huffing bridal-magazine glue can make it seem like choosing a napkin color is the most important decision since the deployment of the a-bomb, only with more potential casualties, but believe me when I say that not everyone feels this way.

But we're just skirting the real issue here, aren't we? You don't actually want your fiance's family weighing in on the planning with their terrible ideas. (What kind of monster would suggest green ribbons for the centerpieces? The horror.) No, what you want is to be recognized as the most important person in the world by everyone involved, because that is your birthright. It's the modern way: Forget the whole princess-for-a-day thing; now you're the despotic ruler of a small island nation for a good eight months.

So, no, you shouldn't say anything. They're probably already pretty sure you're crazy; why spoil the fun of guessing?

Sincerely,
Daisy


*Giving me a good impression of her sense and intelligence, which lasted until I read her answer to the next question, where she basically said that a bridesmaid who has the nerve to dislike the dress she is being forced to purchase is probably fat and/or unhappy about being single, and is also a horrible whiny bitch who you should just stop being friends with. So, yeah, there's that.

Wedding Zombie Update

Oh no! They got in the house!

Save yourselves! It's too late for me.



In case you were wondering:

Stupid Kitchen Implements Part 2

Handy lesson from last weekend: Sur la Table is a very entertaining store, but they have slightly too many employees on their floor to be able to comfortably point at things and declare "What kind of idiot would buy THAT?" while laughing.

Fortunately, they have a website.

Tuna Drainer, $3.95

How to drain canned tuna:

1. With a can opener, open lid almost all the way around.
2. Use your fingers to hold lid against tuna as you drain the liquid into the sink.
3. Lift lid and remove tuna.
4. Do not spend actual money on yet another pointless piece of plastic to perform a trivial task, you !^$*%#&%% moron.

Chili Pepper rack, $19.95

Asparagus clips, $14.95

Did it ever occur to you that there might be some items that are not meant to be cooked on a grill?


And the winner, for the overall title of Stupidest Thing Found at Sur la Table:

Pizza Cone kit, $24.95

Who wants this? Who, in the entire fullness of space and time has ever said, "Hey, pizza is great, but I really wish it came in a cone."? Or thinks the issue with pizza is that you simply can not use it to cram enough calories into your body at a time? Wouldn't it be more efficient to inject the fat directly under your skin? Is there any way this is not going to be a soggy, drippy mess in under thirty seconds? So many questions, so little inclination to care.

Plus, don't forget your pizza cone stand liners! (Sold separately.)

I Have The Same Problem with 'Mississippi'

From this week's cafeteria menu:

I'm pretty sure all the letters are in there, at least.

Worrying thought: Where are they finding their recipes?

The Honking

Can you imagine if they remade The Birds with geese?

Decriminalize foie gras!

Scary.

It's Called "Personal" Hygene; Let's Keep It That Way

Things that disgust me, in ascending order:

1. People brushing their teeth in the work bathroom.
2. People flossing in the work bathroom.
3. The spatter of toothpaste and crud on the mirror that persists for the rest of the day due to people brushing and flossing in the work bathroom.

It's not that I want your teeth to rot; it's just that I'd rather not be a spectator in the process.

Stupid Companies Update

Remember this? Well, guess what arrived--twice!-- in my inbox today? 

Dealix Customer Service customerservice@dealixcarbuying.com to me

YOUR OPINION WILL CHANGE THINGS.

Dear Daisy Zhu,

On 03/05/2012 we put you in touch with Prestige Lexus in Ramsey, NJ regarding a new 2011 Lexus GS RWD 350.

We can't wait to take action based on your opinion. What did you think of this dealer?

We've prepared a quick survey specifically for you.

Click here to access your survey.

Regards,

Customer Service
Dealix Corporation
720 Bay Road, Suite 200
Redwood City, CA 94063
csr@dealixcarbuying.com

Dear Dealix "Customer" "Service,"

You would like my opinion? My opinion is that you are a company entirely composed of mouth-breathing morons, who take no more notice of an "unsubscribe" button than an amoeba does of particle physics. Unfortunately, I cannot agree with your assertion that my opinion will have any effect on any aspect of your business, as it certainly has not so far. However, I notice that you are also located in Redwood City, which is suggesting to me a more direct approach.


View Larger Map

See you in eight minutes.

The Ultimate Purpose of the Internet

What do people like even more than talking about the weather? Reading what other people are thinking about the weather! At least, I'm assuming that's what the people at the Weather Channel website were thinking when they introduced this feature. On the one hand, I guess it might be useful to have all of the most boring people on Twitter collected into one place, in case anybody needs that, but on the other hand, nobody needs that.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and share my thoughts with the world vis-a-vis whether or not it should be raining. My voice must be heard!

Open Letters to Stupid Companies: Lexus of Englewood, New Jersey

Dear Lexus of Englewood, New Jersey,

I realize that I am breaking with tradition here by writing directly to you, rather than Daisy Zhu, the person who used my email address when she went to your website in search of a 2011 Lexus. But unfortunately, unlike my other correspondents, she didn't give me a lot of her personal information to work with, so I'm afraid that this will have to do. Therefore, my dear Lexus of Englewood, New Jersey, I'm afraid it falls to you to be the focus of my wrath, thanks in no small part to your decision, after I had sent you two increasingly irritable emails and unsubscribed three times, to continue sending me computer-generated emails inquiring as to my level of interest in buying a 2011 Lexus. So please, Lexus of Englewood, New Jersey, let me take this opportunity to explain to you what you do not seem willing to understand: I do not want to buy a Lexus, from you or from anyone else. In fact, the next time I see a Lexus, I may just set it on fire.

I hope we're clear on this now.

Thank you for you time, and have a great day!

Daisy James
The Person You Keep Sending Emails To

Ugly Clothes for Rich People Part IX

They're here, they're ugly, you can't afford it.

Rochas bodysuit, $850

Perfect if your Halloween costume is "sexy skin disease."

Haider Ackerman Pants, $1220

Early front-runner for the Least Flattering Pants of the Year award.

Maison Martin Margiela smock, $1845

 Hey, remember that time you got so drunk you lost all your clothes, and you had to ride home on the bus with a rug strapped to your torso? And then you sold it for almost two grand? No? Huh. Must've been someone else.

Thurscheese: MYOM*

(Off for two weeks and back with my least popular feature! I rock at this.)

Remember that time about forever ago when I spent an afternoon drinking wine and reading Sunset magazine, suddenly decided that I was the kind of person who made things at home and ordered a cheese-making kit and a mushroom log? Yeah, I was a little fuzzy on that one too. But apparently Cameron was getting a little irked about having this unused cheese-making kit hanging around the kitchen,*** so last weekend we went ahead and used it.

And you know what?

It turned out pretty dang good.

Okay, yes, it cost about four times as much as just buying a mozzarella, even before you factor in the time it took. And for all that, if you held a gun to my head,**** I would probably be forced to admit that I couldn't really tell the difference between it and the storebought version.

But whatever. It's cheese and I made it and it is delicious with a little fancy aged balsamic, and I am going to have some more when I get home.

Next weekend, we're making ricotta.

*Make Your Own Mozzarella.**
**How many words can you change in an acronym before the point is lost?
***The mushroom log bloomed once, providing exactly three mushrooms, before returning to its base state of "log." I'm not sure what it says about me that I can't even get something to rot properly, but I'm pretty sure it's nothing good.
****Please don't.

Isn't That Pinteresting?

Fans of pointless social networking activities and terrible puns will be thrilled to learn that I have started using Pinterest, the very latest social media fad to mince down the pike. I don't fully get it*, and there are plenty of things that are annoying**, but I'm finding it handy for collecting items to be used in future blog posts. This one has things I'm finding for the next ugly clothes post, with drafts of potential jokes, if you're interested. There are probably other things I ought to be doing with the site, to drive up my social networking profile or whatever, but I can't really be bothered to figure them out.

I guess I'm just not that pinvested.


*I'm starting to suspect that I may, in fact, be old.
**Like the "apply for an invitation" signup and the fact that they randomly have you follow a bunch of people without asking.

You Paid What?: Kitchenwares Edition

Fashion is all well and good, but there are plenty of other ways you can waste your money. Such as by buying a selection of nearly-useless kitchen implements. Most of these are not that expensive in absolute terms, but they still cost far more than they are worth, which is nothing, minus the cost of the space lost in your kitchen.

Jar Scraper

Who buys jam that's so expensive that it's worth the ten dollars for a special scraper to get the last bit out? Just buy another jar of jam already.

Mini Pie Lifter

There are first-world problems, and then there is not being able to lift your mini-pies out of your mini-pie pan without damaging their crusts.

Toaster Pastry Press

We have reached the point of spending time and money to make fancy, imitation versions of cheap convenience foods. We are so far down the rabbit hole that even the rabbit is like, that's really overdoing it.

Cupcake Corer

IT'S CALLED A KNIFE.

Asparagus Pot

If you cook enough asparagus to need this item, then I do not want to ever get anywhere near your bathroom.

Waffle Tongs

Meatball Tongs

Because God Forbid you ever pick up any item of food without having the appropriate tongs. I knew someone who knew a girl whose cousin tried to pick up a meatball with her waffle tongs, and her hand fell off. True story.

Bread Cutting Board

I could actually use something like this, because we get a lot of crusty bread and the crumbs get all over the counter. But for two hundred dollars, I think I'll just stick with a damp sponge.

Comedy Tonight

There are lots of good things about winter in the Bay Area, like that we don't have one, but the SF Sketchfest is right up there.* Without it, I never would have gotten to see Dana Gould in full monkey makeup, performing as Hal Holbrook doing Mark Twain for the benefit of John Hodgman, and neither would you. But more on that in a minute.

But first, let's watch an Australian sing about prejudice (contains some bad words, but not the one you're thinking):

(This one's for you Abigail.)


And now, to transition from music to monkeys, a song about a monkey (sort of):

Aw.

And now, a video that probably needs some introduction, but I'm not sure there's any way to make it make sense. But I can say that if you do not push play, then you may never see Dana Gould playing the role of Dr. Zaius playing the roll of Hal Holbrook playing the role of Mark Twain, and do you really want to live a life like that?



*Credit to Mary for introducing me to this, lo those many years ago.**
**2007.

Open Letters to Stupid People: Sukhmander Singh Who Owns a 2000 Toyota Camry

Dear Sukhmander Singh Who Owns a 2000 Toyota Camry,

Congratulations on the oil change on your 2000 Toyota Camry. That was very responsible of you. Most people with a 2000 Toyota Camry might not think it is worth taking it in to the dealer, POWER TOYOTA OF BUENA PARK, to have the oil changed, but you know how much a twelve-year-old mid-size sedan is worth. ($3,802) But you know what you don't know? That it is not very nice to use someone else's email address to schedule the appointment for your 2000 Toyota Camry, Sukhmander Singh. Even if someone I can only assume is a relative of yours (given that they have the same last name and live in the same town) has used it before, that does not, in fact, make the email address yours.

Sincerely,
The person whose email address you and your family have been using.

P.S. Was it the insurance policy on the 2000 Camry that you wanted to exclude Jaskaran Singh from? Because that doesn't really seem like it would be worth the effort.

The Googlebet II

I did this once before, back in 2008, when the world was a different place*. But I think it's time to revisit, so here you are, for the second time: The most commonly searched words as predicted by Google's autofill function for each letter of the alphabet.**

A is for Amazon

B is for Best Buy

C is for Craigslist

D is for Dictionary

E is for ESPN

F is for Facebook

G is for Google***

H is for Hotmail****

I is for Illinois lottery*****
J is for Jewel Osco******
K is for Kohls
L is for LinkedIn
M is for Mapquest
N is for Netflix
O is for Old Navy
P is for Pandora
Q is for Quotes
R is for Redbox
S is for Southwest

T is for Target

U is for United Airlines
V is for Victoria (sic) Secret
W is for Walmart
X is for X Factor

Y is for YouTube

Z is for Zillow


So, what does the vast database that Google is maintaining on you tell them that you would like to see when you search the letters of the alphabet?


*Not really.
**Unchanged terms are marked in a tasteful mauve.
***Wait, what?
****Wait, what?
*****I should point out that my work computer believes it is in North Chicago, which I'm starting to suspect is influencing these results
******See above.

Experiment: Soup

Who doesn't occasionally look at the assembled goods in their kitchen and pantry and think, "What the heck, I'll make soup"? Sane people, probably. But they're missing out. 1. Assemble the ingredients

Two half-empty bottles flat beer, 1/2 package salt pork, 1/2 bundle dinosaur kale, 1 shallot (purchased), container of lentils, 2 cartons expired chicken stock (1 opened, partly used), salt, pepper*

2. Brown the salt pork

Should have cut it smaller.

Zero Points For Originality

Guess who's got a new letterpress app and a team in the playoffs?

Update: Dammit.

You Paid What?: The Most Expensive T-Shirts on the Internet*

Whenever anyone wants to make fun of designer-pricing excesses, they always go for the easy target of super-expensive t-shirts. So I thought, hey, why should everyone else be having all the fun?

Just Cavalli t-shirt, $175

Not only is it insanely expensive for what it is, it's also-- bonus!-- stunningly hideous. And it's on sale!

Earth t-shirt, $425

The only possible reason you could have for purchasing this is that you don't understand decimal points.

Fendi t-shirt, $790

Cute! And so perfect for those days when you don't want to get all dressed up, but still need to spend at least a grand on your outfit.

Givenchy t-shirt, $785

Recently, I was asked why I didn't feature more men's clothes here, and I was forced to admit that there seemed to be fewer stupid clothes for men available, to much smugness. Well, I take it back.


*That I could find with about twenty minutes of looking.

Celebrity Cook-Off: Don't Call It A Recap

Yes, I am watching this show. No, it is not good. It's so not good, in fact, that it's kind of great. It's like a post-bankruptcy Nicolas Cage movie-- reeking of make-a-buck desperation and gleeful disregard for the taste level or intelligence of the audience. (Anyone who has seen Ghost Rider knows exactly what I'm talking about.*) The producer manipulation is beyond blatant, with the eliminations having essentially nothing to do with performance in the challenges and, with a couple of exceptions, there is no pretense that any of the contestants on this cooking show know anything about food. (For example, in a salad-making challenge, the instructions explicitly included "You must make your own dressing." One of the contestants, who may have never been to a restaurant for people who actually eat, panicked because she didn't know if the judges preferred their dressing on the side.)

These all sound like criticisms, and they are, but the truth is that after spending so much time getting frustrated with "good" reality shows that succumb to false drama and manipulation, it's kind of refreshing to just hop on the treadmill and spend an hour watching borderline-celebrities** pretend to care about their charities while angling for their own Food Network shows. You can't even feel bad for the hosts, since it's not like Rachel Ray or Guy Fieri had any culinary cred to begin with.

I'm not bothering to recap the episode, because really, why? (If you're interested, the eliminated contestant was the current Miss USA, who claims to "love desserts" despite looking like she is composed of pipe cleaners and low-fat tape.) Instead, I would just like to make a few observations, like Lou Diamond Phillips is apparently living in an alternate dimension where he is a major movie star (while acknowledging that no one recognizes him from any film made in the last twenty years). Or that Coolio still wears his signature spiky dreads, but now only so that they stick out through his hat, leading me to suspect that the hair might have more attachment to the hats than his actual scalp, if you know what I mean.

Can I recommend it? Well, no, not in good conscience to most people. So I'll just point out that free episodes are available for streaming here, and let you do with that information what you will.


*Can you believe they're making a sequel? I'm so excited.
**Defined by Cameron as "People who are more famous than I am."

Ugly Clothes for Rich People, Holiday Sales II

The holidays are over, but the supply of expensive ugliness on sale is endless. If you are a stupid rich person who is not quite as stupid and/or rich as your compatriots, this is the season for you.

Comme des Garcons jacket?, $777.59

Perfect for achieving that effortless look of someone who put on one sleeve of her jacket, then tore the other one off and tying the rest into a kind of matted backpack-knot.

Elisanero oxfords, $199.19

For the woman who believes you are never truly dressed without at least one item of clothing that makes you look like a cartoon hobo.

Maison Martin Margiela top, $266.39

"I'm molting! Molting!"

Stella McCartney cashmere jogging pants, $502.19

 There is nothing I can say here that will be funnier than the description, so I'll just repeat it: Five-hundred-dollar cashmere jogging pants.

Ugly Clothes for Rich People, Part Post-Holiday Sales

Times are tough all over, and even wealthy idiots are feeling the need to cut back on their hideous-clothing budgets. So let's see what they'll be saving on, in order to have more money to spend on fur-lined beer cozies for their caveman-themed Superbowl parties.*

*Note: I was just going to do one of these, but I found so much material just in the first store I was looking that I think I may stretch this out over the whole week. Unless I forget.

KORS Michael Kors boot, $416

In theory, I am in sympathy with rejecting the idea that a woman must shave every bit of hair off her body to be socially acceptable. In practice, I think there might be better ways of making this point during the winter.

Dior ankle boot, $1050

You know what I want my feet to look like? Hooves. Giant, beige hooves. With buckles.

Giambattista Valli dress, $2397

"Excuse me, ma'am, I think your skirt is blebbing."

Roberto Cavalli caftan, $1326

Who knew that those guys who sell carpets out of the back of a truck at rural intersections were actually on the cutting edge of fashion?

Nicholas Kirkwood bootie, $1031

Get yourself a couple of pairs of googly eyes, and pretend you're walking around with your feet stuck into Grimace's head!

Prada tote, $4185

You can not call yourself a true fashionista unless you have spent upwards of four grand on an item that no one will believe you didn't just pick up at a church rummage sale.

Alexander McQueen jacket, $1604

You know what they say about a man with huge, awkwardly-placed pockets: That he has giant hands and very tiny arms.

New Year's Cheese

You know what's better than going out on New Year's Eve? Staying home and eating cheese:

Top row: Cowgirl Creamery Wagon Wheel, Blue Stilton
Bottom row: Hirtenkase, Cypress Grove Humboldt Fog, Cave Aged Gruyere
Not pictured: Brillat-Savarin

With the brand new set of cheese knives you got for Christmas:

I'm still not totally sure what the big one is for.

And do you know what's even better than staying home and eating cheese with your new cheese knives, and also quite filling? Staying home and eating graavlax and caviar on blinis* made by Cameron:

It's bad form to sneak too many bites of caviar when someone else is busy cooking. Or so I've heard.

And don't forget the creme fraiche:

It's white sauce!**

Of course, now one may be left of the problem of a great deal of leftover cheese (see above).***

This is what I would call a "manageable problem."


*Modified recipe, because the yeast part seemed like too much work. Basically, pancakes with buckwheat flour, and delicious.
**No, I don't get it either.
***Except for the Brillat-Savarin (not pictured).

Best "Best of 2011" Lists of 2011

10. Best Celebrity Mug Shots
I can't decide which is my favorite: The Smashing Pumpkins bass player who was booked for her horses getting out, or Andy Dick being arrested for public intoxication at a Marie Callendars.

9. Best Pieces of Random Inspirational Pablum, As Chosen By Their Writer
Or, rather, by the person who flipped through a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul and picked out her favorite cliches.

8. Best Table Tennis Shots
With jaunty Christmas music!


7. Best Professional Wrestling Moments
Will any of us ever forget where we were when the Ring of Honor went National?

6. Best Parliamentary Brawls
Pound-for-pound, a better fight deal than anything you'll find in the Ring of Honor.

5. Best Celebrity Twitter Feeds
2011: The year celebrities finally realized their true potential and cut out the middleman in sharing their embarrassing gossip with the world.

4. Best Dentists of Greater Washington Area
Although, at a total of 298 entries, I'm a little concerned about what you had to do to be left off the list. Leechings?

3. Best Lingerie Collection
A little something for the gentlemen. . .

2. Best Ryan Gosling Moments
. . . And for the ladies

1. Best Hats
Just to top it off.


Happy New Year!