Monday, October 31, 2011

Crime Scene at My Fingertips

I'm not a big Halloween person (Except for the candy. I am definitely a big candy person.), but I came across this nail-polish tutorial and decided to give it a try. I think it turned out pretty well-- the only downside is that occasionally I will be eating something and be briefly freaked out by my nails, before I remember that I painted them that way.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Black and White and Noir All Over

Penguins: The enlightened suburbanites of the animal world. Community-oriented and conservatively dressed, they moved to a dull, out-of-the-way, but safe, neighborhood for the sake of their children, and the parents take turns commuting to fish. But could there be a dark side to this domestic simplicity? A criminal element lurking in their midst, spoiling a perfect day like a rotting haddock?

Yes. Yes, there could.

(video via The Proceedings of the Ever So Strange)

In fact, I think I feel a new literary genre coming on.

I looked across the hoard and gave a low whistle through my beak. Hundreds of pebbles, probably some of the best in Antarctica, all packed together in one crevice. No penguin had gathered these on his own. We were looking at the results of the biggest organized pebble heist the colony had ever seen.

Tuxedo Joey was defiant.

"I don't know nothin' and you can't prove it," he said. "Everything was like this when I found it."

I looked him over. Joey Tux (as what passed for his friends called him) was a born liar, but this time I believed him. His nests were some of the worst on the ice shelf.

"Fine," I said. "They're not yours. So whose are they?"

"Excuse me," said a soft voice from behind my left shoulder. "I hope I'm not interrupting here."
Joey's eyes went wide and I turned around to look.

She was a female, back early from the hunting grounds, lush and full of fish. Probably the most gorgeous chick I had ever seen, with her sharp orange beak, bright beady eyes and a snow-white belly that curved like the smoothest pebble in the world.

She was as beautiful as a herring and as dangerous as a fur seal.

"Hello, big boy," she said in a sultry chirp. "Nice rocks."

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Thurscheese: Pierce Point

Pierce Point cheese from Cowgirl Creamery

Confession: I did not take this picture. I know this is not the kind of intellectual honesty you have come to expect from this blog, but I think it's time we all lowered our standards a bit. Don't you?

Anyway, one thing that does not have low standards is this cheese. (Transition! I think that went pretty smoothly.) If you had suggested to me that it might be a good idea to take a soft cow's-milk cheese and slap some herbs and flowers on it, I would have smiled kindly and ask who had been mixing your drinks, but the truth is that it really works. It helps that the cheese itself is quite mild, and so are the herbs, so the effect is less a mouthful of greenery than a breath of spring air in a meadow, but without the cow poop. Kind of the same way a good oyster gives you the sensation of tasting the sea in a way that's very different from getting a mouthful of salt water.

Assuming nobody stops me, this is going on the cheese table for the wedding.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Open Letters to Stupid People, Part 3: Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA

Dear Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA,

I suppose, given that I have already received interesting information on other people's tax returns and loan documents, it was only a matter of time before someone who didn't care to share their actual email address would use mine for a docusign document relating to their car insurance. Still, I find it rather insensitive of you, Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA, that you would let a total stranger know that you wish to exclude Jaskaran Singh from your policy. After all, Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA, that kind of information might be somewhat embarrassing for a person, and it isn't the kind of thing you would want to broadcast to just anyone.

The Person Whose Email Address You Have Been Using

p.s. I declined to sign the document.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Thurscheese: Tiny brie!

Trader Joe's is a wonderous place, isn't it? Even stupid impulse buys made in a moment of hunger-driven idiocy can turn out well there. Take this, for example.* If person is shopping for frozen lunches on an empty stomach comes across a bag a of individually packed little cups labeled "brie" and buys them because she thinks that sounds like fun and it gives her an excuse to buy crackers, what she deserves to get is some sort of texture-adjusted processed cheese food product that has been flavored according to what a focus group in Chino thinks brie ought to taste like. No reasonable person would expect to get actual tiny rounds of cheese, but that seems to be what has happened here. And they are delicious.

And just in case you think I'm making this whole thing up and that picture is actually of a regular-sized round of brie and a really large plastic knife, I give you this final proof:

I hope that's settled, then.

*Actually, you can't, because I already ate it.

Friday, October 07, 2011

Ugly Clothes For Rich People: Menswear Edition

Conclusive proof that having only one X-chromosome is not sufficient to prevent a person from dressing like an idiot.

DSquared2 Cardigan, $765

Layer under a denim jacket to look both stupid and redundant!

Libertine t-shirt, $150
I realize it's some sort of guy thing to wear items of clothing until long after they have developed significant holes in them, but this seems like it's taking things a bit too far.

Veronique Branquinho overalls, $770
The manly style of auto-shop coveralls and the flattering comfort of shorts, together at last!

Neil Barrett vest, $355
"Hey, Chauncy, have you seen the front section of that double-breasted jacket I was working on? I left it right here, next to that pile of things you were going to send to the factory for production, and now I can't find it."

Comme des Garcons dickey, $240
We don't make the shirt. We make the strip of frilly fabric you attach to the shirt. And then we charge you $240 for it.

Ann Demeulemeester jacket, $870
"Oh, honey, that looks so cute on you! Hold still so I can take a picture to send to your Aunt Ann to show her how much you like the jacket she made. Smile!"

Maison Martin Margiela jacket, $1490
What we have here is a demonstration the limitations of the average menswear model. Clearly, this jacket was meant to be worn by the MC for an off-Strip Vegas lounge show, or the guy who tells people on The Price Is Right to come on down.

Yohji Yamamoto coat, $4340
Perfect for that all-important first dinner with her parents!

Balmain t-shirt, $525
I generally try not to list things simply based on price, but honestly, why would you spend more than five hundred dollars on this shirt when you could have this one for a fraction of the cost?

Greg Lauren jacket, $2485
"Dude, seriously, you need to get a new jacket. That thing is embarrassing." "No, it's cool, I just bought this." "You did? What happened to it?" "Nothing happened. It came like this." ". . . Dude, seriously, you need to get a new jacket."

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Cat On the Hat

For the fashion-forward crazy cat lady:

I say, if you're going to do this, you should go all the way and pair it with these shoes.