Gardening Accessories of the Rich and Stupid

Do you want the satisfaction of tending your own garden plot, but are afraid you might not be able to spend sufficiently ridiculous amounts of money and/or look stupid enough while doing it? Well, fear not! Capitalism has you covered.

For starters, you're going to need some tools.

Shime Garden Tools, $1250

You provide the sticks. (Seriously.) The primary downside of purchasing this set is that, if you do, a farmer from the 1860s will appear on your doorstep and punch you in the face.

Or, if that seems like too much of a commitment, you could always start by just buying a shovel:

Orion long handled spade, $258

Solid copper, so your plants won't get arthritis.

And what if you like the look of old garden tools but would rather sit on them than use them?

Antique garden tool chair, $4100

Free tetanus shot with purchase!

Or maybe you have moved to a "transitional" neighborhood that is still in the part of the transition where people pile industrial scrap in their yards, and you want to fit in, but not too much:

Bozeman furnace, $2100

Steampunt.

Once you've settled in, you'll want to invite some friends over, maybe play some bocce:

Bocce ball set, $298

You'll need a tub for drinks:

Vintage grape crate, $398

Somewhere for people to sit:

"Weathered" regency chair, $1800

And some sort of pointless little garden cupboard:

Driftwood Cabinet, $2400

There ain't no party like a pointless little cupboard party.


But really, when you come down to it, the garden is your space, to grow flowers and food and maybe even raise some chickens in a ludicrously expensive coop that looks like the abandoned craft project of a drunk four-year-old:

Chicken coop, $3000

(You know you're doing something wrong when you're making Williams-Sonoma's offerings look sane and reasonable by comparison.)

Ugly Clothes for Rich People XII

Hopping onto the single origin trend, I present to you a selection culled entirely from one store. You get a much better sense of the terroir, don't you think?

Comme des Garcons cape, $1850

Fun prank: At some point during the day, suddenly look down and scream, "My arms! What happened to my arms!"

Ann Demeulemeester pants, $675

Look, if you can't figure out how to make a pair of pants, there's no shame in asking for help.

Junya Watanabe dress, $765

The fashion industry, having now used all of the conventional style icons approximately ten thousand times, has been forced to turn to your grandfather for inspiration.

Comme des Garcons skirt, $655

For only six hundred and fifty-five dollars, they will sell you a $40 skirt and tell you to put it on backwards. Because: Fashion!

Lavin dress, $3,470

Yep, you just paid more than three grand for an item that is basically indistinguishable from the bikini-body t-shirts they sell at the beach. Your mother must be so proud.

Balmain t-shirt

Look at this t-shirt. Eh, it looks fine. It's a t-shirt. What's there to get so excited about?

Okay, now look at it:

Balmain t-shirt, $665

The You Paid How Much? Gift Guide

What to buy for that person who has everything, except taste and a brain.

Loro Piana checkers mat, $2050

If I am going to be dropping upwards of two grand (plus shipping) on a piece of felt, I would frankly expect to see an actual picture of it first.

Playing cards sold separately.

Jack Spade scarf, $165

There is nothing wrong with the idea of a humorous novelty scarf that looks like a hotdog. There is, however, something very wrong with the idea of paying $165 for a humorous novelty scarf that looks like a hotdog.

"Survey Stick", $350

Po-TAY-to/po-TAH-to; beat-up old ruler you stick in the garden to tie up your tomatoes/"survey stick" worth a hundred dollars. Let's call the whole thing crap.

Boy. Band of Outsiders poncho, $495

Emergency poncho, $3.99

 One of these things is just like the other/One of these prices is totally wrong/Can you tell which thing is for stupid people/Do you even remember this song?

Maison Martin Margiela snowglobe, $195

This, my friends, is a two-hundred-dollar plastic snowglobe. With nothing in it.

It's backordered.

Stop the Presses

In the years I have been writing this blog, I have seen a lot of things. Stupid things. Expensive things. Stupid, expensive things. But what I have for you today may be the pinnacle, the ne plus ultra of overpriced idiocy:

It's by Jimmy Choo.

It's made of regular leather embossed to look like snakeskin.

It costs $115.

On sale.

Stupid Kitchen Implements Part 2

Handy lesson from last weekend: Sur la Table is a very entertaining store, but they have slightly too many employees on their floor to be able to comfortably point at things and declare "What kind of idiot would buy THAT?" while laughing.

Fortunately, they have a website.

Tuna Drainer, $3.95

How to drain canned tuna:

1. With a can opener, open lid almost all the way around.
2. Use your fingers to hold lid against tuna as you drain the liquid into the sink.
3. Lift lid and remove tuna.
4. Do not spend actual money on yet another pointless piece of plastic to perform a trivial task, you !^$*%#&%% moron.

Chili Pepper rack, $19.95

Asparagus clips, $14.95

Did it ever occur to you that there might be some items that are not meant to be cooked on a grill?


And the winner, for the overall title of Stupidest Thing Found at Sur la Table:

Pizza Cone kit, $24.95

Who wants this? Who, in the entire fullness of space and time has ever said, "Hey, pizza is great, but I really wish it came in a cone."? Or thinks the issue with pizza is that you simply can not use it to cram enough calories into your body at a time? Wouldn't it be more efficient to inject the fat directly under your skin? Is there any way this is not going to be a soggy, drippy mess in under thirty seconds? So many questions, so little inclination to care.

Plus, don't forget your pizza cone stand liners! (Sold separately.)

You Paid What?: Kitchenwares Edition

Fashion is all well and good, but there are plenty of other ways you can waste your money. Such as by buying a selection of nearly-useless kitchen implements. Most of these are not that expensive in absolute terms, but they still cost far more than they are worth, which is nothing, minus the cost of the space lost in your kitchen.

Jar Scraper

Who buys jam that's so expensive that it's worth the ten dollars for a special scraper to get the last bit out? Just buy another jar of jam already.

Mini Pie Lifter

There are first-world problems, and then there is not being able to lift your mini-pies out of your mini-pie pan without damaging their crusts.

Toaster Pastry Press

We have reached the point of spending time and money to make fancy, imitation versions of cheap convenience foods. We are so far down the rabbit hole that even the rabbit is like, that's really overdoing it.

Cupcake Corer

IT'S CALLED A KNIFE.

Asparagus Pot

If you cook enough asparagus to need this item, then I do not want to ever get anywhere near your bathroom.

Waffle Tongs

Meatball Tongs

Because God Forbid you ever pick up any item of food without having the appropriate tongs. I knew someone who knew a girl whose cousin tried to pick up a meatball with her waffle tongs, and her hand fell off. True story.

Bread Cutting Board

I could actually use something like this, because we get a lot of crusty bread and the crumbs get all over the counter. But for two hundred dollars, I think I'll just stick with a damp sponge.

You Paid What?: The Most Expensive T-Shirts on the Internet*

Whenever anyone wants to make fun of designer-pricing excesses, they always go for the easy target of super-expensive t-shirts. So I thought, hey, why should everyone else be having all the fun?

Just Cavalli t-shirt, $175

Not only is it insanely expensive for what it is, it's also-- bonus!-- stunningly hideous. And it's on sale!

Earth t-shirt, $425

The only possible reason you could have for purchasing this is that you don't understand decimal points.

Fendi t-shirt, $790

Cute! And so perfect for those days when you don't want to get all dressed up, but still need to spend at least a grand on your outfit.

Givenchy t-shirt, $785

Recently, I was asked why I didn't feature more men's clothes here, and I was forced to admit that there seemed to be fewer stupid clothes for men available, to much smugness. Well, I take it back.


*That I could find with about twenty minutes of looking.

You Payed What? Manly Gift Edition

Because the Ugly Things For Rich People posts aren't really supposed to be about stuff that is just expensive*, but there are some items that are too stupid to not make fun of on the internet.**

Shipley & Halmos "beer sleeve," $2.50 for 6

By far the cheapest item I have ever posted, and yet, in its own way, the most insidiously stupid. Because yes, it is moderately amusing (the joke, if you can't read the printing, is that it is a paper bag with detailed instructions for wrapping it around a bottle of beer). And as gag gift prices go, two-fifty is not exactly breaking the bank. But that's not the point. The point is that because Shipley & Halmos is a fancy clothes designer, they are able to take some paper bags, print something moderately amusing on them, and sell them at a 30-fold markup. Because now they're fashion!

Best Made axe, $300

 This entire shop seems to be aimed at people who have either never heard of a hardware store, or are too afraid to go in them. Is shop class really that traumatic? Look, I am sure that this is a fine axe, just as I am equally sure that it is not 7.9 times better than this axe, which comes highly recommended by people who have actually used it to chop things. Of course, the sellers would argue that you just have to pay more for fine American craftsmanship than for imports from cheaper foreign countries. You know, like Finland.


*I try. I do not always succeed.
**It's the internet. That's what it's for.