Friday, September 30, 2011

A Dating Site Even a Führer Could Love

I'm in a generous mood today, so I'm going to go ahead and assume the principle behind this website is merely another of the seemingly endless stream of increasingly-desperate social networking gimmicks, and not a statement of the belief that relationships only work when they are ethnically pure. Because I guess I can imagine the situation where you have a piece of photo-matching software and want to use it to start a business, and you remember that CSI episode where they said people are attracted to other people who look like them*, and it seems like a really great idea to declare that happy relationships come from people who look alike. And maybe it just never occurs to you to think about what the converse of that statement is: That people who do not look like each other will not be happy in their relationship. And that the world's leading cause of people not looking like each other is being from different ethnic backgrounds. Which is where it starts to get kind of problematic, for me.

On the other hand, if you want to maximize your potential for inbreeding and you don't like any of your cousins, I say go for it.

*It was in the first or second season, I think, the one with the little people.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Coming "Attractions"

Arriving soon on a blog near you*: Ugly Clothes For Rich People, Menswear Edition

Perhaps you do not think men's clothing offers enough scope for an entire blog post mocking its excesses. Perhaps you have not yet seen the three-hundred-dollar swim trunks with eyeballs on them.

They don't even go all the way around the back! If there's one thing I hate,** it's insufficient dedication to insanity.

*This one.
**There's way more than one thing.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Let's Do Some Math!

Drugs - People = Money

Drugs - Money = Huffing Whipped Cream Cans at Safeway

(People - Money + Drugs)*Dignity^-1 = VH1

People - Pictures + Words = Newsweek

People - Words + Pictures = Star

People + People = Hell

Money + Money = Problems + Problems

Money + Money + Money = Must Be Funny In a Rich Man's World

Money + Money + Money + Money = Money!

Socks + Boots + Drugs - Money = These.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Wedding Zombie Will Eat Your Brain

I thought I was safe.

Certainly, I knew I had my vulnerabilities; I had heard its shuffling feet in my brief contemplation of guest favors, and felt its cold fingers when contemplating if it was possible to combine the old/blue somethings into one item. But it wasn't until we completed the budget spreadsheet that the terrible truth became unavoidable:

The Wedding Zombie had gotten my brain.

Wedding Zombie is slow-moving but inexorable. It has no concept of money, knowing only of its relentless desire to feed. And its food is expensive. For example, the food, because the Wedding Zombie knows that even if you have never thrown a party more elaborate than "Super Bowl Potluck," you cannot be allowed to let your guests get away without at least three courses. It is a mindless thing, its consciousness formed by a tightly wound bundle of magazine articles, Barbie outfits, smug criticisms of other weddings you attend, vanities, and "it's just what you have to do."  Nothing is examined, because the Wedding Zombie has no brain of its own. All it knows is that it wants yours.

You may think you can build zombie-proof armor out of good sense and strict budgeting, but Wedding Zombie knows your weaknesses. Because that kevlar vest has a hole right where your latent desire to own one fabulous designer dress is, and there's a fine crack in your goalie helmet that runs along your love of cheese, right up to the point where you fantasize about starting the reception with a personally curated cheese table that everyone will admire. And by the time you even realize the crack is there, it's too late, and the Wedding Zombie is already digging in to your hippocampus.

So what can you do? You can try to make a run to the bunker of elopement, but be aware that you may already be infected with latent spores, which will activate when you least expect them and you will find yourself suddenly compelled, well into your retirement, to stage an elaborate faux-wedding charade, depleting your 401k and confusing your grandchildren because you "didn't get to have a real wedding." Or you can fight back with blasts to the head with the shotgun of reality and enlist someone you trust to know you are too far gone and do the humane thing: Take you out back and cut up your credit cards.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Sunday Dinner: An Adventure in Pictures

Potential new semi-regular feature here, where I demonstrate recipes so foolproof that even I can't screw them up, though not for a lack of trying. Today we're starting with one of my more elaborate attempts: making choucroute garni. Or, as it has come to be known around here, "the big pile of pork" dish. It works as both a hearty dinner and an air freshener, as long as you like your fresh air to smell like cooked pork, amd it's so easy to make that at times it can seem like it would be harder not to make it. Here, then, are the steps:

Step 1:*
Get some potatoes and peel them. I used Yukon golds because I like them as chips.

Step 2:
Cut the potatoes into rough quarters.

Step 3:
Acquire enough cured pork products that you could, if necessary, reconstruct a small pig.

Step 4:
Boil the potatoes.**

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Financial Update for Daisy Johny

Dear Daisy Johny,

Just thought you'd like to know that your loan of 20,900 Rs* has gone through, and your EMI amount is 2090 Rs, according to the loan documents that continue to be sent to my email address, despite it not being yours. And thanks a lot, because despite the fact that I have no obligations to someone who treats me like their own personal spam folder, now you've got me feeling kind of bad about going after a person who would take out a loan for $452.58, repayable over eight months. I mean, not bad enough to not actually write this, but still. We really have to stop meeting like this.

The (now slightly-conflicted) Person Whose Email You Have Been Using

*Indian Rupees. Currently trading at 46.2 rupees to the dollar.

Thursday, September 01, 2011

Ugly Clothes For Rich People, Part VII

Surprising Fact: In the time it took me to stop goofing off and write another one of these posts, many of the items I had chosen sold out.

Unsurprising Fact: Most of the remaining items have been deeply discounted, making them less hilariously expensive than they were. But I think we can all agree that we can still find better things to spend a hundred and thirty-eight dollars on. Like 414 packs of pixy sticks.

Costume National dress, $265
Ever have trouble deciding which tablecloth to staple to your bra for your big evening out? Don't choose-- wear them all!

Parah dress, $138
Plausible explanations for this dress:
1. Got torn on the way to the photoshoot, photographer too drunk to notice.
2. Prototype torn up by designer in a fit of rage, hilarious series of mix-ups results in it being sent to the factory for production.
3. Retailer told them to "add a slit," were not specific enough about placement.

Yeolee jumpsuit, $165
Sure, it may look like a couple of old table runners and a shower curtain, but that's just because you don't understand Fashion.

Preen pants, $160
I will only accept these if the panels are interchangeable.

Jil Sander dress, $5980
If you buy this, there is at least a 50% chance you would end up wearing the garment bag by mistake.

Comme des Garcons shorts, $165
How does this happen? How does an item like this make it from conception, though design, prototyping, production, model fittings, runway shows and sales calls without anyone taking one look at it and laughing so hard they choke on their own drool and need to go outside for a bit to recover?

How many drugs are these people on?