A Second Letter to Judy Wenzel of 307 N 12th Ave Wasau, WI

Dear Judy Wenzel of 307 N 12th Ave Wasau, WI,

What happened last year? This is the second time you have used my email address to book yourself into a hotel during the month of September--this time it's the Best Western on 1001 N. 14th Ave in Sturgeon Bay, WI--and I can't help but notice that you skipped 2013. Was there a family emergency? Was $377.40 more than you were comfortable spending to spend three days in Door Country's premier year-round city? Or did you perhaps decide to experiment with using your own damn email for once?

Sincerely,
The Person Whose Email You Use To Book Hotels Near the Great Lakes in September

Open Letters to Stupid People: Dennis and Judy Wenzel of 307 N 12th Ave Wasau, WI

Dear Dennis and Judy Wenzel of 307 N 12th Ave Wasau, WI,

Congratulations on booking your visit to the Lake Breeze Motel Resort in lovely Duluth, Minnesota. I'm sure you will have a very nice time staying in the whirlpool suite for $134 a night ($104 on Thursday!) from September 20th through the 22nd, though it was probably smart to only pay one night's worth for the deposit on the $412.45 total (including tax). However, Dennis and Judy Wenzel of 307 N 12th Ave Wasau, WI, in your hurry to book your getaway to the welcoming shores of Lake Superior, while not getting put on any mailing lists, you seem to have made one critical error. Do you know what that is?

I'll give you three guesses.

Sincerely,
The Person Whose Email You Have Been Using

Stop the Presses

In the years I have been writing this blog, I have seen a lot of things. Stupid things. Expensive things. Stupid, expensive things. But what I have for you today may be the pinnacle, the ne plus ultra of overpriced idiocy:

It's by Jimmy Choo.

It's made of regular leather embossed to look like snakeskin.

It costs $115.

On sale.

A Brief Conversation, Internal, About A Candle

Me, busy* at work:


"Why is Net-A-Porter selling a rubber band ball?"

"Wait, it's a candle? Okay, that's kind of cool."

Missoni candle

"$283.50? For a candle?"

"On sale?!"

". . ."

". . ."

". . ."


*Very busy.

Open Letters to Stupid Companies: Lexus of Englewood, New Jersey

Dear Lexus of Englewood, New Jersey,

I realize that I am breaking with tradition here by writing directly to you, rather than Daisy Zhu, the person who used my email address when she went to your website in search of a 2011 Lexus. But unfortunately, unlike my other correspondents, she didn't give me a lot of her personal information to work with, so I'm afraid that this will have to do. Therefore, my dear Lexus of Englewood, New Jersey, I'm afraid it falls to you to be the focus of my wrath, thanks in no small part to your decision, after I had sent you two increasingly irritable emails and unsubscribed three times, to continue sending me computer-generated emails inquiring as to my level of interest in buying a 2011 Lexus. So please, Lexus of Englewood, New Jersey, let me take this opportunity to explain to you what you do not seem willing to understand: I do not want to buy a Lexus, from you or from anyone else. In fact, the next time I see a Lexus, I may just set it on fire.

I hope we're clear on this now.

Thank you for you time, and have a great day!

Daisy James
The Person You Keep Sending Emails To

Open Letters to Stupid People: Sukhmander Singh Who Owns a 2000 Toyota Camry

Dear Sukhmander Singh Who Owns a 2000 Toyota Camry,

Congratulations on the oil change on your 2000 Toyota Camry. That was very responsible of you. Most people with a 2000 Toyota Camry might not think it is worth taking it in to the dealer, POWER TOYOTA OF BUENA PARK, to have the oil changed, but you know how much a twelve-year-old mid-size sedan is worth. ($3,802) But you know what you don't know? That it is not very nice to use someone else's email address to schedule the appointment for your 2000 Toyota Camry, Sukhmander Singh. Even if someone I can only assume is a relative of yours (given that they have the same last name and live in the same town) has used it before, that does not, in fact, make the email address yours.

Sincerely,
The person whose email address you and your family have been using.

P.S. Was it the insurance policy on the 2000 Camry that you wanted to exclude Jaskaran Singh from? Because that doesn't really seem like it would be worth the effort.

You Payed What? Manly Gift Edition

Because the Ugly Things For Rich People posts aren't really supposed to be about stuff that is just expensive*, but there are some items that are too stupid to not make fun of on the internet.**

Shipley & Halmos "beer sleeve," $2.50 for 6

By far the cheapest item I have ever posted, and yet, in its own way, the most insidiously stupid. Because yes, it is moderately amusing (the joke, if you can't read the printing, is that it is a paper bag with detailed instructions for wrapping it around a bottle of beer). And as gag gift prices go, two-fifty is not exactly breaking the bank. But that's not the point. The point is that because Shipley & Halmos is a fancy clothes designer, they are able to take some paper bags, print something moderately amusing on them, and sell them at a 30-fold markup. Because now they're fashion!

Best Made axe, $300

 This entire shop seems to be aimed at people who have either never heard of a hardware store, or are too afraid to go in them. Is shop class really that traumatic? Look, I am sure that this is a fine axe, just as I am equally sure that it is not 7.9 times better than this axe, which comes highly recommended by people who have actually used it to chop things. Of course, the sellers would argue that you just have to pay more for fine American craftsmanship than for imports from cheaper foreign countries. You know, like Finland.


*I try. I do not always succeed.
**It's the internet. That's what it's for.

Open Letters to Stupid People, Part 3: Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA

Dear Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA,

I suppose, given that I have already received interesting information on other people's tax returns and loan documents, it was only a matter of time before someone who didn't care to share their actual email address would use mine for a docusign document relating to their car insurance. Still, I find it rather insensitive of you, Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA, that you would let a total stranger know that you wish to exclude Jaskaran Singh from your policy. After all, Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA, that kind of information might be somewhat embarrassing for a person, and it isn't the kind of thing you would want to broadcast to just anyone.

Sincerely,
The Person Whose Email Address You Have Been Using

p.s. I declined to sign the document.

Open Letters to Stupid People, Part 2: Daisy Johny, Who Is Applying For a Loan In Charlotte

Honestly, I didn't think this was going to have to be a series.

Dear Daisy Johny Who Is Applying For a Loan In Charlotte,

Did you really think this was a good idea? Do you honestly hate receiving email so much that you would arrange to have your financial information sent to a total stranger, just to keep your inbox pristine? Or are you perhaps just so stupid that when you were typing in the address for where to send your login name and password, you totally forgot to check the spelling?

(By the way, I agreed to the user terms for you. Hope you don't mind. I also set your security question.)

Granted, the bank you chose (Bajaj Finserv) is slightly more attuned to your need for privacy than you are, and they won't give the total stranger you sent your password to total access to all of your personal and financial info, unless she knows your birthdate, which is nice of them. But they did give me your phone number, so I guess I could just call you up and ask.

In short: Seriously. Just accept the occasional email, would you?

Sincerely,
The Person Whose Email Address You Used

p.s. Your loan was approved.

An Open Letter to Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434

Dear Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434,

I know it isn't a lot of fun getting emails you don't want in your inbox. I particularly know this, Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434, because I am actually getting all the emails you don't want in your inbox, in my inbox, because you have been habitually using my email address whenever you sign up for something. I do not appreciate this, Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434, not the OKCupid membership, or the realtors sending me information about South Florida housing prices, or even your TurboTax filing information. Now, Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434, that last one was actually not such a great idea, not only because they helpfully sent me your full name and address:

But also because it means you are not getting important information, like the fact that your Federal return has been rejected by the IRS because your Social Security number cannot be used more than once in the return or on another return (R0000-515) and the 'Primary Prior Year AGI' or 'Primary Prior Year PIN' must match the IRS Master File (F1040-679-01). Therefore, Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434, I would suggest you rethink this policy in the future, and maybe get yourself a second email address that is actually your own for just this purpose. Then we'll all be happy.

Sincerely,
The Person Whose Email Address You Have Been Using