Flying Shark Attacks Golf Course

Oh sure, the so-called authorities will claim it was dropped by a bird, but I think we all know the truth: At this moment, thousands of vicious, many-toothed man-eaters are preparing themselves for an aerial assault on our nations golfers, and there is a very real chance that we may not be there to watch.

I think we're gonna need a bigger cart.

Kickstarter of the Week*: Dogs in Cars

It's a photo book of dogs in cars. I don't totally get it, but I think I kind of love it.

*Or, rather, of however many weeks it takes before I do another one.

Why Did The Snake Cross The Path?

To escape the paparazzi.

Guess I can strike "wildlife photographer" off my alternate careers list.

The Honking

Can you imagine if they remade The Birds with geese?

Decriminalize foie gras!

Scary.

Egrets, I've Had a Few

Some things look a lot more impressive before you take a picture of them.

Black and White and Noir All Over

Penguins: The enlightened suburbanites of the animal world. Community-oriented and conservatively dressed, they moved to a dull, out-of-the-way, but safe, neighborhood for the sake of their children, and the parents take turns commuting to fish. But could there be a dark side to this domestic simplicity? A criminal element lurking in their midst, spoiling a perfect day like a rotting haddock?

Yes. Yes, there could.

(video via The Proceedings of the Ever So Strange)


In fact, I think I feel a new literary genre coming on.

I looked across the hoard and gave a low whistle through my beak. Hundreds of pebbles, probably some of the best in Antarctica, all packed together in one crevice. No penguin had gathered these on his own. We were looking at the results of the biggest organized pebble heist the colony had ever seen.

Tuxedo Joey was defiant.

"I don't know nothin' and you can't prove it," he said. "Everything was like this when I found it."

I looked him over. Joey Tux (as what passed for his friends called him) was a born liar, but this time I believed him. His nests were some of the worst on the ice shelf.

"Fine," I said. "They're not yours. So whose are they?"

"Excuse me," said a soft voice from behind my left shoulder. "I hope I'm not interrupting here."
Joey's eyes went wide and I turned around to look.

She was a female, back early from the hunting grounds, lush and full of fish. Probably the most gorgeous chick I had ever seen, with her sharp orange beak, bright beady eyes and a snow-white belly that curved like the smoothest pebble in the world.

She was as beautiful as a herring and as dangerous as a fur seal.


"Hello, big boy," she said in a sultry chirp. "Nice rocks."

Cat On the Hat

For the fashion-forward crazy cat lady:

I say, if you're going to do this, you should go all the way and pair it with these shoes.

What Would You Name Them?

I don't have any faith with my ability with fish tanks-- I can barely keep an african violet alive on my desk. But if I did, and I happened to have $350 lying around and some space in the living room, I would totally get this personal jellyfish tank:



Isn't that amazing? Don't tell me that's not amazing.

Watch Out For Frogs*

When we last spoke** I mentioned that I was back from Vegas, and then vanished again. Not, as you might imagine, to sleep off the hangover, but to head up the coast for a relaxing long weekend in Bodega Bay, a place with no showgirls at all. It was a lovely trip that was exciting for several reasons, but I'm going to talk about the frogs.

We were staying at my family's vacation place***, which we call the Barn because that's what it is. But there's a shower and a microwave and a wood stove and stuff, and lots of books and it all quite nice as long as you don't mind a bit of nature in your days.

Also, under your phone. But we'll get to that in a minute.

I guess you really can't blame the frogs for moving in. For much of the time the Barn is dark and quiet, with a pretty good supply of things that frogs eat and a total dearth of things that eat frogs. I'd come across one on a previous trip, living in the toilet tank, which inspired me to try and coin the euphemism "Excuse me while I go talk to the frog." It didn't catch on.

So it wasn't a total shock when I went to look for the password for the wifi and found two frogs living under the modem. And another, slightly larger one tucked in a nook under the phone. But it was definitely a surprise.

There were three in the bathroom; not immediately evident but almost always around. It was an amphibian Where's Waldo, only with fewer people in medieval costumes falling off ladders and more hand towels.

One thing I decided is that being a frog must be pretty boring, because they seemed to take to the fact that they had an audience with enthusiasm. The game seemed to be to see who could come up with the best place to be hiding when I came across them, with some points for dropping off the top of the medicine cabinet when I opened it and perching on the shampoo first thing in the morning and a nearly game-winning play that involved climbing into my toiletries bag when I took it into the bathroom at night and waiting there until I went to get my deodorant in the morning. But the honors went to the player who hid in the sink drain until I came to wash my hands, and looking at me accusingly through the soap suds.****

It was like a frog vaudeville in there.




*Fifty nerd points to anyone who gets that reference.
**Blogged, whatever.
***"Cottage" in Canadian.
****Handy fact: Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day hand soap is apparently non-toxic to frogs. They should put that on the label.

From the Department of Warning Signs

If you at any point find yourself shopping for a Valentine's Day gift for your dog, it's time to step back and take a really serious look at the direction your life has taken.

Needs Ranch Dressing

Breaking: Fennec foxes don't like diet food any more than you do.



(Via @weirdimals)

For People Unclear On the Concept of "Dog"

I give you dog fragrance:

Only $65 to tell the world, "Aren't you glad I have this instead of a child?"

"The Fools! They Never Understood My Vision."

Possibly due to his disappointment with the ending of "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus," a wild octopus tries to take matters, and a diver's camera, into its own tentacles:



"Here I'm panicking a bit trying to unwrap the tentacles from my wrist."

You Look Kind of Down

Holidays are over, and being back to normal life just isn't as much fun, is it? Well, I've got something that should cheer you up:

SEAL PHOTOBOMB!




(From the Huffington Post)

Shoesday: Concatenation

The Story:
Bad title? Yes, but it's getting hard to do anything sans-catination around here, what with the wiliness and the claws. Also, he has taken to chewing clean through shoelaces*, which is why these (gold Missoni flats, thanks for asking), live safely in the shoe closet.

*We are considering the possibility that he may actually be a dog.

Claw Box

The Box That Claws People!








(See here for reference.) (Language warning.)

Catober!

Ha! No.

Bennett

(In rear; Darcy's the camera hog.)

























RIP, little buddy.

For Everything Else, There's Puppies

Kitten, rescued from wild colony by Mom's friend: $0
Food, litter, toys and treats for kitten: $70
Veterinarian visits for kitten: $180
Bi-monthly baths/nail trims for kitten (to protect allergies and couch): $35/visit
New logic board for my laptop, to replace the one destroyed by kitten knocking over a glass of water onto it: $345
Pet ownership: *$^&ing priceless

Cat Post

Cat. Post.