Items Available For Purchase, Possibly As Gifts

As I believe I have mentioned in this space a few times before, I have a store on Zazzle, where various items are for sale with designs I produced from pre-1923* sheet music covers. If you bought one of them, I would get some money, which would be pretty cool.

This is the one that started it all, because I wanted a poster of this design and couldn't find one. I bought the sheet music on Ebay and had it scanned at a place in Berkeley that usually does much more artistic stuff, and then cleaned it up a bit in GIMP.** I think it turned out okay:

 

I Love You California Poster by Musicallaneous

Then I learned how to do about three more things in GIMP and pulled out just the bear, and put it on a shirt:

 

I Love You California T Shirts by Musicallaneous

Stop the Presses

In the years I have been writing this blog, I have seen a lot of things. Stupid things. Expensive things. Stupid, expensive things. But what I have for you today may be the pinnacle, the ne plus ultra of overpriced idiocy:

It's by Jimmy Choo.

It's made of regular leather embossed to look like snakeskin.

It costs $115.

On sale.

A Brief Conversation, Internal, About A Candle

Me, busy* at work:


"Why is Net-A-Porter selling a rubber band ball?"

"Wait, it's a candle? Okay, that's kind of cool."

Missoni candle

"$283.50? For a candle?"

"On sale?!"

". . ."

". . ."

". . ."


*Very busy.

Cat On the Hat

For the fashion-forward crazy cat lady:

I say, if you're going to do this, you should go all the way and pair it with these shoes.

What Would You Name Them?

I don't have any faith with my ability with fish tanks-- I can barely keep an african violet alive on my desk. But if I did, and I happened to have $350 lying around and some space in the living room, I would totally get this personal jellyfish tank:



Isn't that amazing? Don't tell me that's not amazing.

Anybody Having a Garden Party?

I don't know many things, but I do know this: Before this summer is over I will find an excuse to wear my new hat.

Meanwhile. . .

In Vegas, I tried on but did not buy these shoes. I also did not have my wallet stolen, which was quite a relief.

Details to follow.

Programming Note

There won't be much going on here for the next week or so, except for one Ugly Clothes for Rich People post that I am going to write now and set to go up at some random time, because I am going to be in Vegas, testing the effects of heatstroke on a hangover. It should be warmish:

So I guess I'll just have to find myself somewhere air-conditioned.

Ugly Clothes For Rich People, Part I

Everyone knows that it's better to be rich. It's the money, mostly, plus never having to worry about being any good at your job or what you're going to do if the car doesn't stop making that noise. But it isn't all champagne on the patio and summers in St. Moritz. No, there are hazards to being a rich person, and one is to run the risk of looking very stupid.

You see, rich people go to designers for their clothes, because that's how other rich people can spot them at a distance, and the designers both love and hate them. They love them because the rich are the source of all their money that doesn't come from perfume-licensing deals, and because they let them swan around and act like artists for having produced a pair of pants. But they hate them because designers must spend a significant portion of their working lives living on off-brand ramen and discount vodka, and they have some built-up resentment to work through.

And so sometimes, in the dark of night, they come up with fantastically hideous, stupid clothes that they can sell to those rich people who have never known what it's like to live in a converted closet in an eighth-floor walkup with seven roommates, at least three of whom are sleeping together and/or fighting with each other at any given time, so that, as they count the money from the sale, they think of those wealthy losers walking down the street in their creations and ever-so-softly giggle.

These are some of those clothes.*

Tao Comme des Garcons top, $419

When I have a cold, the floor next to my bed looks just like this.

Maison Martin Margiela vest, $1,190

Fifty bucks says the "design process" for this item was the designer strapping a car seat-cover to his chest and high-fiving an assistant.

Viktor & Rolf dress, $787.50

Just because you don't know how to make a shirt, it doesn't mean you get to sell it as a dress.

Alexander Wang knit and denim jacket, $750

My favorite thing about this is how the model is clearly wondering how her life got to this point.

DSquared2 jacket, $769

Or you could just carry a purse.



*As a matter of fact, I found so many examples that I couldn't fit them all into one post. So look for more of these over the next few weeks, unless I get lazy and forget.**
**It could happen.

That's It, I'm Moving to Europe

Two months of vacation and the ability to make your electrical outlets look like pigs? I'm sold.

Do You Have Too Many Piles Of Cash Lying Around?

Think you've run out of pointless things to waste money on? Worried that somewhere out there, someone is being less frugal than you? Unsure if there are any sports left that do not have ridiculously overpriced equipment? My friend, let me introduce you to the one-hundred-and-thirty-six-dollar, carbon-fiber ping pong paddle:

The battle for rumpus-room supremacy will never be the same.

What A Difference a Label Makes

Baja hoodie from Mexican Threads: $29.99

Baja hoodie from Proenza Schouler: $1500

Looking like a broke stoner for the price of a 1997 Grand Cherokee: Priceless. Brain-thumpingly idiotic.

What Could Be More Restful?

Do you love the comfort and style of hospital gowns, but hate the inconvenience of modern medicine? Well, the Gap has the sleepwear for you:

Update: It's a trend!

The Naked and the iPhone

So, I got an iPhone. This would be thrilling news if it was 2007; as it is it's really only exciting to me, because now I will always know what direction North is.* Other benefits of joining the second decade of the 21st century: readily available maps, directions and train schedules, immediate answers to virtually any question*** and the ability to send desperate tweets when what I thought was going to be a Caltech alumni get-together after work turns out to be some sort of combination high-tech entrepreneur networking event/pickup scene where I don't know anyone there, and the only Techer I meet graduated in 2008, and a shocking large number of the people are wearing very unflattering jackets.**** So it truly is a wondrous device.

But, as life teaches us all, being special just isn't enough; you have to look special. So with that in mind I have come up with a list of possible cases to buy for my new best friend, and I am hoping you can help me pick one.

First up we have this one, which may be too bulky for my needs, but I like the old-time craftsmanship and enjoy the fact that it comes with a notepad, positioned directly across from where you can see the notepad app on the phone. This may be the iPhone case for people whose grandchildren bought it for them.

Taking things in a more modern direction, we have this, which costs five dollars more despite being made of felt, instead of steer leather, and being basically the kind of pouch you made at summer camp when it was raining. A similar, slightly cooler version is available in denim for less than half the price.

On the other hand, maybe the case shouldn't just be decorative: maybe it should provide a function that no app so far has been able to do. Maybe it should be a bottle opener:

Or perhaps it should wear a nice tweed suit:

If I was an irritating hipster, I could buy it a hoodie:

But I'm not, so let's move on.

We have the status option, complete with logo, that I like more than I should:

Maybe I'll pick one up when it goes on sale.

Or the clip-on cases that protect the phone while being arty. This site has a collection of (logo-free) designs by prominent fashion designers; I think this one is my favorite. But I also like the idea behind these, particularly the rosewood one. And this site, which allows you to upload your own design or buy someone else's if you, like me, have no artistic talent whatsoever, has some really great stuff, like this and this and especially this:

So, I don't know. What do you think?


*iPhone compass + spinning chair=hours** of enjoyment.
**Okay, minutes.
***For example: Are platypuses mammals? (Yes.)
****On the other hand, if you are in the market for meeting single guys with a decent amount of education and at least the potential to have a job, I suppose you could do worse than your local high-tech entrepreneur networking mixer. There isn't a lot of competition, though prepare your self for the quality of the jackets and the potential that someone will try to impress you by the fact that he once worked with a guy who co-founded a company with Mark Zuckerberg's***** best friend.
*****Excuse me, "Zuk".

From the Department of Warning Signs

If you at any point find yourself shopping for a Valentine's Day gift for your dog, it's time to step back and take a really serious look at the direction your life has taken.

Look, I'm Sorry, Okay?

To be fair, I did warn you.

Is It Chilly In Here?

Of course not, I'm in California. But I do feel a freeze coming on . . .

That's right, economic observers, time to kiss the recovery goodbye, because Daisy's going on another buying freeze.*

No particular reason for this round, except that tax time is coming, and it felt like a good moment for it. But there's a twist-- I'm not giving myself a firm end date. Instead, I have decided to give up shopping until I finish the first draft of Land Squid. That's right, until I write The End on the last page of land-locked tentacle-y mayhem, there will be no cute skirts, no patterned coats, no bags with birds on them, no fancy cheese serving plates. And, laugh if you will, but I am going to say it: There will be no shoes.

(Okay, you can stop laughing now. Seriously. It's not that funny.)

The way I figure it, if anything is going to get me to keep my butt in the chair and my mind on new ways to describe dismemberment, it is the knowledge that if I don't I will never have a new pair of earrings again. Also, if I ever do quit my job and go to writing full-time, there's no way I'm going to be able to afford any of this, so I might as well get used to it now.


*For those of you not familiar with my powers, please be aware that the first time I did this, I crashed the entire global economy.**
**I said I was sorry.

A Product and A Problem

Product:

The Juicy Couture Rubik's Cube:

Problem:

Random Product Endorsement: CoverGirl Smokey Eye ShadowBlast

It's like being a corporate shill without all that annoying money!

As an international supermodel* and renowned beauty expert,** I am often asked what products I favor.*** So I thought I would say you all some trouble and tell you about this one before you tired yourselves out asking.

What is it? Basically it's a two-ended eyeshadow stick, with a paler base color on one side and a darker accent color on the other. It's easy to use and the colors come pre-coordinated for your convenience, which is handy for someone who would have flunked out of freshman art***** if art teachers held with any bourgeois notions like grading. There are detailed instructions for the titular****** eye on the back of the package, but I throw those out, since I've ripped them trying to get it open anyway and besides, they're too complicated. Instead, I just slap the base coat over as much area as I feel like covering and smudge the darker color near the lashline; exactly the same way I have been applying eye makeup since the nice lady at Sephora managed to restrain her laughter at the fact that I had made it into my twenties without any clear idea of what makeup was for long enough to explain the basics to me and sell me a bunch of stuff.

So, in summary: easy to use, nice colors, cheap, not a model, also not artistic, late to the party on the makeup thing, summary, footnotes. I think that pretty much covers it.

Any questions?


*Not true.
**I have a mascara wand and I'm not afraid to use it.
***Typically phrased as, "You want fries with that?" But I digress.****
****A lot.
*****Taken as a senior.
******Ha! I am, apparently, twelve.

A Case of the Cyber-Mondays

It's the Monday after Thanksgiving.* You're back at your desk, bleary-eyed and wondering what it is you actually do for a living and if it is really possible for a person to eat her own weight in turkey, when you happen to open your email. Immediately, your eyeballs slam to the back of your head, battered by the force of the sheer number of messages with "cyber Monday" in the subject line. You want to participate, you think it wouldn't be a bad idea to start your Christmas shopping sometime before December 23rd, and you don't really feel like doing any work today, but you just don't know where to start. That's where I come in.

Bloomingdale's: $50 off if you spend $250, sales on boots, jackets, sweaters.
Only good if you were planning to drop some fairly serious cash here, but if there's a big ticket item you had in mind, now's the moment. (A moment, anyway.) And, as gifts of clothing go, a coat is a relatively safe one, given the flexibility of the sizing. Faux fur is kind of having a moment right now, as is leopard-print, so if you have someone on your gift-list who can handle it, this jacket might be just the thing. Or you might think I'm insane, which would be nothing new. In that case, you might want to go with something a little simpler.

Ann Taylor: 40% off everything with the code "MONDAY" today only.
Not so much a gift place, but if you need a dress for an office party you could do a lot worse than this. Throw on a flashy necklace and some heels and you're good to go. And nothing says, "Here, I got you a gift" like a scarf.