Friday, March 23, 2012

The Honking

Can you imagine if they remade The Birds with geese?

Decriminalize foie gras!

It's Called "Personal" Hygene; Let's Keep It That Way

Things that disgust me, in ascending order:

1. People brushing their teeth in the work bathroom.
2. People flossing in the work bathroom.
3. The spatter of toothpaste and crud on the mirror that persists for the rest of the day due to people brushing and flossing in the work bathroom.

It's not that I want your teeth to rot; it's just that I'd rather not be a spectator in the process.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Stupid Companies Update

Remember this? Well, guess what arrived--twice!-- in my inbox today? 

Dealix Customer Service to me

Dear Daisy Zhu,

On 03/05/2012 we put you in touch with Prestige Lexus in Ramsey, NJ regarding a new 2011 Lexus GS RWD 350.

We can't wait to take action based on your opinion. What did you think of this dealer?

We've prepared a quick survey specifically for you.

Click here to access your survey.


Customer Service
Dealix Corporation
720 Bay Road, Suite 200
Redwood City, CA 94063

Dear Dealix "Customer" "Service,"

You would like my opinion? My opinion is that you are a company entirely composed of mouth-breathing morons, who take no more notice of an "unsubscribe" button than an amoeba does of particle physics. Unfortunately, I cannot agree with your assertion that my opinion will have any effect on any aspect of your business, as it certainly has not so far. However, I notice that you are also located in Redwood City, which is suggesting to me a more direct approach.

View Larger Map

See you in eight minutes.

Friday, March 16, 2012

The Ultimate Purpose of the Internet

What do people like even more than talking about the weather? Reading what other people are thinking about the weather! At least, I'm assuming that's what the people at the Weather Channel website were thinking when they introduced this feature. On the one hand, I guess it might be useful to have all of the most boring people on Twitter collected into one place, in case anybody needs that, but on the other hand, nobody needs that.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and share my thoughts with the world vis-a-vis whether or not it should be raining. My voice must be heard!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Open Letters to Stupid Companies: Lexus of Englewood, New Jersey

Dear Lexus of Englewood, New Jersey,

I realize that I am breaking with tradition here by writing directly to you, rather than Daisy Zhu, the person who used my email address when she went to your website in search of a 2011 Lexus. But unfortunately, unlike my other correspondents, she didn't give me a lot of her personal information to work with, so I'm afraid that this will have to do. Therefore, my dear Lexus of Englewood, New Jersey, I'm afraid it falls to you to be the focus of my wrath, thanks in no small part to your decision, after I had sent you two increasingly irritable emails and unsubscribed three times, to continue sending me computer-generated emails inquiring as to my level of interest in buying a 2011 Lexus. So please, Lexus of Englewood, New Jersey, let me take this opportunity to explain to you what you do not seem willing to understand: I do not want to buy a Lexus, from you or from anyone else. In fact, the next time I see a Lexus, I may just set it on fire.

I hope we're clear on this now.

Thank you for you time, and have a great day!

Daisy James
The Person You Keep Sending Emails To

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Ugly Clothes for Rich People Part IX

They're here, they're ugly, you can't afford it.

Rochas bodysuit, $850
Perfect if your Halloween costume is "sexy skin disease."

Haider Ackerman Pants, $1220
Early front-runner for the Least Flattering Pants of the Year award.

Maison Martin Margiela smock, $1845
 Hey, remember that time you got so drunk you lost all your clothes, and you had to ride home on the bus with a rug strapped to your torso? And then you sold it for almost two grand? No? Huh. Must've been someone else.

Thurscheese: MYOM*

(Off for two weeks and back with my least popular feature! I rock at this.)

Remember that time about forever ago when I spent an afternoon drinking wine and reading Sunset magazine, suddenly decided that I was the kind of person who made things at home and ordered a cheese-making kit and a mushroom log? Yeah, I was a little fuzzy on that one too. But apparently Cameron was getting a little irked about having this unused cheese-making kit hanging around the kitchen,*** so last weekend we went ahead and used it.

And you know what?

It turned out pretty dang good.

Okay, yes, it cost about four times as much as just buying a mozzarella, even before you factor in the time it took. And for all that, if you held a gun to my head,**** I would probably be forced to admit that I couldn't really tell the difference between it and the storebought version.

But whatever. It's cheese and I made it and it is delicious with a little fancy aged balsamic, and I am going to have some more when I get home.

Next weekend, we're making ricotta.

*Make Your Own Mozzarella.**
**How many words can you change in an acronym before the point is lost?
***The mushroom log bloomed once, providing exactly three mushrooms, before returning to its base state of "log." I'm not sure what it says about me that I can't even get something to rot properly, but I'm pretty sure it's nothing good.
****Please don't.