Saturday, December 31, 2011

Best "Best of 2011" Lists of 2011

10. Best Celebrity Mug Shots
I can't decide which is my favorite: The Smashing Pumpkins bass player who was booked for her horses getting out, or Andy Dick being arrested for public intoxication at a Marie Callendars.

9. Best Pieces of Random Inspirational Pablum, As Chosen By Their Writer
Or, rather, by the person who flipped through a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul and picked out her favorite cliches.

8. Best Table Tennis Shots
With jaunty Christmas music!

7. Best Professional Wrestling Moments
Will any of us ever forget where we were when the Ring of Honor went National?

6. Best Parliamentary Brawls
Pound-for-pound, a better fight deal than anything you'll find in the Ring of Honor.

5. Best Celebrity Twitter Feeds
2011: The year celebrities finally realized their true potential and cut out the middleman in sharing their embarrassing gossip with the world.

4. Best Dentists of Greater Washington Area
Although, at a total of 298 entries, I'm a little concerned about what you had to do to be left off the list. Leechings?

3. Best Lingerie Collection
A little something for the gentlemen. . .

2. Best Ryan Gosling Moments
. . . And for the ladies

1. Best Hats
Just to top it off.

Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Ugly Clothes For Rich People Part IIX

All footnotes, all the time! These garments can't decide what they are, and I can't decide how best to insult them.

Opening Ceremony coat, $375
It's like a mullet, if the principle behind a mullet was "business on top, Yeti from the shoulders down."*

Dolce & Gabbana hoodie, $489
It's a sweatshirt that was wearing a sweater when it (the sweatshirt) was exposed to gamma radiation, causing it, the next time it got angry, to rip through its sweater with a cry of "Rah! Sweatshirt smash!"**

James Long shirt, $1,235
"Wow, Aunt Mavis, this is really. . . a shirt. I had no idea you had taken your macrame hobby so far."***

Ancien Regime pants, $337.50
Bell-bottoms or knee-skirts? You be the judge.****

Stella McCartney jumpsuit and skirt, $9,950
It's not one, not two, but three hideous outfits in one! And all for no more than what you'd pay for a late-model used sedan!*****

*Apparently, the designer heard that shoulders were hot this year, and seriously misinterpreted.
**It's always a good idea to be wearing two sweaters, in case the first one is eaten off your body by a surprise swarm of high-speed moths, as this gentleman is demonstrating.
***"I'm so glad you like it. And you can save on closet space, because you can tie the bottom together and hang it in the living room with a plant in it!"
****And jury. And executioner.
*****The best part is that they're selling it as a wedding dress.******
******No, wait the even better best part is the suggestion that you "lose the skirt and rock the lace jumpsuit during the reception." You know, as one does.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Celebrity Cook-Off: Your Burning Questions Answered

It has recently come to the world's attention* that Food Network is planning to debut a new show, hosted by Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri, in which D-H level celebrities compete to see who can get the most screen time while preparing food. Naturally, you have some questions that need to be answered, and that's what I'm here for.**

Q: A show that combines the premises of "Dancing with the Stars" and "Top Chef?" Why hasn't this been made before now?
A: We believe that the program was actually created in 2007 and was accidentally transported to our time when someone dropped a sandwich on the Large Hadron Collider. The downside is that we think the Higgs boson went the other way, and now has a development deal with SoapNet.

Q: Could you use a photo of the hosts to illustrate every element a woman should avoid when choosing a pair of jeans?

Q: What percentage of the contestants use the word "international" in their bios?
A: 50%

Q: In what percentage of the countries of the world, on average, would these "celebrities" be recognized?
A: 0.006%

Q: Is Coolio involved?
A: Of course.

Q: What is the predicted number of "munchies" jokes that will be made relating to Cheech Marin's presence, in the premier alone?
A: Our statisticians attempted to answer this question, but were forced to suspend their calculations when the computer they were using became suicidal.

Q: Which of the contenders includes in her bio the least impressive blow for gender equality ever made?
A: That would be onetime-Olympian-who-no-one-has-really heard of Summer Sanders, for this gem: "...becoming the first female game-show host on Nickelodeon by hosting Figure It Out..."

Q: How many of the contestants have starred in a direct-to-video movie about killer mutant bats?
A: One.

Q: Do any of the "charities" supported by the contestants seem to be transparent attempts by a once-famous performer to supplement his income?
A: "Joey Fatone will be playing for the Fatone Family Foundation. "All the money that we gather from different events and stuff that we do throughout the year we distribute to different children's charities.""

Q: He could actually be giving the money away.
A: True.

Q: But it does kind of sound like the "charity" is just his name on a bank account.
A: Charity begins at home.

Q: Is there now or has there ever been a human being more annoying than Guy Fieri?
A: Hard to say.

*I saw an ad for it last night.
**That, and cookies.

Friday, December 09, 2011

Shoefinder: Holiday Edition

Going to a holiday party this year? You're going to need some shoes. That's where I come in.

For the giant family gathering where you will spend most of the time chasing tiny nieces and nephews around the living room with a nerf gun, because you want them to revere you as the awesome aunt who is both fun and glamorous:
Vera Wang Lavender flats
If your sister-in-law gets annoyed, just point out that she could have fabulous shoes too, if she wasn't spending all her money on child-rearing. Then smile and say you hope they like the drum set.

For the gathering of high school friends/enemies you haven't seen in years, who may or may not still think of you primarily as the person who once slipped on a cafeteria tray and toppled six tables, domino-style, before coming to rest on a freshman (who was a good sport about it, considering):
Loeffler Randall "Zuri"
Fun and festive without trying too hard-- because even though everything else about you has changed, you still don't want people to think you care that much.

For a company party in a hotel ballroom, where everyone stands around talking about whether you'll get acquired and tries not to drink so much that the dance floor starts to sound like a good idea:
Salvatore Ferragamo "Davina"

They say, "I am restrained and professional, and also awesome. Plus, I have very good balance."

For a work party in the company cafeteria, where too much awesomeness would look out of place and you'd rather just be comfortable:
Sofft "Noral"
These are to the previous as Martinelli's sparkling apple juice is to champagne: Nowhere near as glamorous or fun, but sweeter and less likely to leave you feeling painful in the morning.

Thursday, December 08, 2011

"What if I'm asked to take part in a beach assault with the Royal Marines?"

It's the first question* on anyone's mind when faced with the job of choosing a small hatchback. Fortunately, when the fine people at Top Gear do a road test, they do a road test.

*Followed closely by "What if I go to a shopping center** and get chased by baddies in a Corvette?
**Spelling adjusted for regional differences.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Shoesday: Let's Party

I really need to recharge my camera battery and stop using my cell phone for these.

In preparation for the holiday-shoes-you-should-buy-and-tell-me-about post I am planning for later in this week, I thought I'd share some party-ready boots of my own. These are Sigerson Morrison, from my recent, largely successful quest to buy up all of the shoes that were produced by the original owners/designers, before one of my favorite brands becomes an offshoot of Guess, black suede with handy belts to keep their shoe-pants from falling down. I admit they do not exactly scream "fancy holiday party"*, but that's okay because no one ever invites me to fancy holiday parties anyway.** But with sufficient application of imagination and/or eggnog, I think you could see these as Santa boots, if Santa joined a biker gang and developed an affinity for four-inch heels. And if that's not a party, then I don't know what is.

*Which is good, because that would be awkward in elevators.

Friday, December 02, 2011

You Payed What? Manly Gift Edition

Because the Ugly Things For Rich People posts aren't really supposed to be about stuff that is just expensive*, but there are some items that are too stupid to not make fun of on the internet.**

Shipley & Halmos "beer sleeve," $2.50 for 6
By far the cheapest item I have ever posted, and yet, in its own way, the most insidiously stupid. Because yes, it is moderately amusing (the joke, if you can't read the printing, is that it is a paper bag with detailed instructions for wrapping it around a bottle of beer). And as gag gift prices go, two-fifty is not exactly breaking the bank. But that's not the point. The point is that because Shipley & Halmos is a fancy clothes designer, they are able to take some paper bags, print something moderately amusing on them, and sell them at a 30-fold markup. Because now they're fashion!

Best Made axe, $300
 This entire shop seems to be aimed at people who have either never heard of a hardware store, or are too afraid to go in them. Is shop class really that traumatic? Look, I am sure that this is a fine axe, just as I am equally sure that it is not 7.9 times better than this axe, which comes highly recommended by people who have actually used it to chop things. Of course, the sellers would argue that you just have to pay more for fine American craftsmanship than for imports from cheaper foreign countries. You know, like Finland.

*I try. I do not always succeed.
**It's the internet. That's what it's for.