I Know This Conceit Has Kind Of Been Done To Death, But. . .

Spiders on a Boat

Update: Never mind, someone already made it.

Update 2: But wait! What if the spiders could swim? What if they were. . . (wait for it). . . Ocean Spiders!

Winesday: The Chardonnay That Ate San Mateo

Actually, that's really not fair; it isn't a particularly big or aggressive wine at all. Not too sharp, not overly buttery, pairs excellently with an evening sitting around watching terrible, terrible movies on the SciFi* channel. Cameron was away for the weekend, living the high life** in Vegas for his friend's bachelor party, which meant it was two days of sourdough baguette, white wine and execrable acting***. On Saturday we had Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, and then Mega Piranha (one can only assume that Giga Jellyfish is in preproduction as we speak) and Sunday featured various parts of America being destroyed by a meteor, a volcano and weather. I don't think I have ever heard the phrase, "We've got to get out of here," said with such frequency.

So, in conclusion: Bargetto Chardonnay: Much better at being a chardonnay than former pop star Tiffany is at acting. Try some, and just tell me I'm wrong.


Speaking of movies, have you ever wondered what it would be like if someone tried to remake The Birds with community theater actors, a Mad Libs-level script and five dollars for special effects? Well, wonder no more. I present: Birdemic



I think we're gonna need a bigger wine bottle. Or a couple more regular ones. That would work too.


*Yes, I know they changed their name to make it stupider. I just refuse to acknowledge it, on the principle that, eventually, reality will bend to my will and it will change back.
**Non-Miller.
***Done by Lorenzo Lamas and Former Pop Star Tiffany, among others. Not by me. I was the one eating the baguette.

Joke You Will Not Get Unless You Watch American Idol and Idolatry* As Obsessively As I Do

"And, you know, the thing about a Tim Urban... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until he sings at ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'."


*Small amount of context in part 2 here.

(Note: Please do not take this as me implying that the only way to get Tim off of Idol is to stick a tank of compressed air into his mouth and shoot it with a rifle, while swearing. That would be irresponsible, and in violation of FCC regulations. Also, he seems like a nice enough kid, aside from the singing thing.)

The Most Unintentionally Ironic & Kind of Sad Song I Have Heard in a While

From The Happiest Millionaire: "The Land of Golden Chariots"





Detroit!

Your Thursday Insanity

Because it is Thursday, I thought I would try and come up with with something insane to post for you enjoyment. But I've got nothing, because all of the insanity in the world is being used up by this trailer. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: RoboGeisha.




(Note: Contains some inappropriate material. Though, shockingly, it is not porn.)

("Thanks" to David for the tip.)

(Also, that's a circular saw blade, not a chainsaw. I mean, honestly.)

Claw Box

The Box That Claws People!








(See here for reference.) (Language warning.)

Attn: SciFi channel

I have found the plot of your next TV movie.

I'm thinking Josh Duhamel and Jamie Pressly as the maverick scientist and hot park ranger, respectively, and Ray Wise for the evil government flunky. With David Arquette on comic relief and Coolio playing some kind of military guy, of course. And, playing the snake, some really cheap CGI.


Actual quote from the article which would make a good line in the movie: "We've taken the snake and turned it into a giant thermometer."

Department of "Huh"

Did you know that the chimpanzee who played Cheeta in the Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan movies is still alive, seventy-six years old and living in Palm Springs? I found that surprising, all things considered. Not only that a chimp could live that long, or that his retirement would so closely resemble a human's (apparently that's encoded somewhere in the 98% DNA homology). But what I really want to know is, how did they avoid settling in Tarzana?

Key Quotes From the Movie "Anaconda 3" Starring David Hasselhoff

"That abandoned factory is just the kind of place a giant snake would want to make its home."

"Where there's blood, there's more blood."

Ol' Man River

Saw the 1936 version of Show Boat last night, at the classics theater in Palo Alto. (I thought it was going to be the 1951 MGM version, because I'm not that careful about reading listings, but that's neither here nor there.) It was fun, if a bit inclined to melodrama and seriously cringe-inducing in places, but by far the showstopper was Paul Robeson singing Ol' Man River in the first act:




So good I could just listen to it all day. In fact, I think I might.

Another Cool Thing I Forgot to Mention Yesterday

They're shooting a movie down the street from Lisa's apartment, title unknown, with Denzel Washington and John Travolta. We passed it last night, and we didn't see any stars or sets. but we did see the catering, which was quite impressive.

The Evolution of an Idea

I was surfing through the movie listings on my Tivo (what, like you have something better to do on a Saturday night?) and I came across listings for all five "Death Wish" movies. I would like to share their synopses here, for their instructional value in what they say about the creative process:


Death Wish: "A New York architect turns vigilante hit man after thugs attack his wife and daughter."

Death Wish II: The architect from New York turns vigilante in Los Angeles after more brutality too close to home.

Death Wish 3: The vigilante architect shops by mail for what he needs to waste punks in the streets of New York.

Death Wish 4: The Crackdown: The vigilante architect targets Los Angeles drug rings after the death of his girlfriend's daughter.

Death Wish V: The Face of Death: The New York vigilante goes back to work after a mobster's thugs kill his girlfriend.


Now, laying aside the filmmakers' troubling inability to commit to one numbering system, and the fact that in real life a vigilante architect would be significantly more likely to be targeting members of the city planning department than mobsters, I think they may be on to something here. Frankly, I feel it's a shame that they didn't get a chance to extend their vision to Death Wish 12 and/or XII: The Death of Death Wish, in which the vigilante architect turns even more vigilante to avenge his own murder at the hands of a ruthless graffiti cartel, and also the use of glass bricks in his latest building when he clearly specified cinderblock.

Truly, a loss to the world of cinema.

Oscar Blogging

5:35: Is this thing on?
5:43: Okay, it's working but it's slow. So far so good, Jon Stewart's monologue was funny, and he didn't get too hung up on politics. So far we've had beer and a humus platter, but no popcorn because they were out by the time we got to the front of the line.
5:54: Ratatouille wins! Now I don't have to trash the theater. Soon we will have popcorn.
6:05: They have hosts who are hosting during the commercials. I'd say more but the show is back on and the popcorn is here.
6:21: Now they're doing thumb wresting between two women dressed as Mrs. Lovett from Sweeny Todd. Neither of them seems to know how to thumb wrestle. Montage count:4. Beer count: 2.
6:27: I can't believe that stanard-issue inspirational song was nominated over anything from "Hairspray".
6:34: Did I mention we got gift bags when we came in? No five hundred dollar sunglasses or anything, but I did get a nice bottle opener. Montage #5 playing now.
6:48: The presentation of the technical awards has always seemed a little condescending to me, like "here are these people who do the work and come up with the innovations that make the wonder of the movies possible, but we think they're such losers that this is their only chance to see a pretty girl."
6:56: I kind of love Kristen Chenoworth. Even if I'm not totally sure how to spell her name.
7:06: Twenty-time nominee Kevin ... (I'll look it up) denied again. When will it end?
7:08: I have lost count of the number of montages at this point. We're on our second bowl of popcorn.
7:16: Thank you life! Thank you love!
7:31: Nichole Kidman: that's a lot of necklace.
7:32: Mary says, "Hi, Abigail."
7:42: Just finished beer 2. I can tell it's working because I keep losing popcorn down my shirt.
7:49: This seems to have stopped working. Not sure why. In related news, the crowd here is now noticably drunk. Also, some jerk keeps taking multiple flash pictures into the audience.
8:15: "Discrimination I don't have to face as a married woman." That one gets a big, ironic, laugh.
8:44: "No Country for Old Men," huh? I was guessing it would be "There Will Be Blood." I didn't see either one, so I remain unmoved.
All done!

The Pop Culture Superbowl

That's right, it's Oscar season again. (I wonder what kind of shot you load for that?) This year I'm doing something different; going to the fine Cerrito Theater, home of good popcorn and a wide selection of beers, to watch the show on the big screen with a bunch of like-minded folks, most notably Mary and Alice. I'll try to do some live-blogging from my iPod, assuming I can get wifi in the theater and my fingers aren't too buttery.

The Twelve Dollar Bowl of Popcorn

Last Sunday, Mary and I went shopping in the city. Makeup was tried on, shoes were bought, and a general good time was had. But by the end of the afternoon we found ourselves tired and in need of sustenance and, it being not quite dinnertime, we decided to stop for a drink. We ended up at the St. Francis hotel, because if you're going to go for a drink at the end of a day of shopping, it might as well be at a place with a formally-dressed doorman. What I had remembered as being a more casual bar area had been converted into a somewhat out-of-place fancy restaurant, but they still had a bar, with a whole range of fancy-glass cocktails.

So we got our drinks, but now what we really needed were snacks. And one thing this bar was short on was snacks. In fact, the only foods listed on the bar menu were oysters and "truffle butter popcorn" for twelve dollars. We said (to each other, not the waitress) that that was a ridiculous price for popcorn, and that we really couldn't see spending that kind of money on a snack, until the minutes ticked away and our drinks got lower and our stomachs got rumblier, and we finally decided "what the hell".

It was, I must admit, the absolute pinnacle of popcorn-based dishes. If popcorn believes in reincarnation, then this is what the best stuff comes back as. The key here, I think, is not to think of it as a high price for popcorn, but rather a relatively good deal on truffle butter. I mean, they must have used about a stick of the stuff. They even sprinkled little bits of truffle on top. Obviously, it would be the ideal thing to eat while watching a movie, but not just any movie. There would be no point in wasting popcorn this good on a dumb action flick or an assembly-line prestige picture. No, for this you need something fun but classy, original but retaining elements of the familiar, something tragically overlooked in terms of prestige because of lowbrow associations.

In short, this is the popcorn to eat while watching Ratatouille:

Big Dumb Movie Goes Boom

Last night I went to see "Live Free Or Die Hard", possibly the best movie ever to be adapted from the New Hampshire state motto. A refreshingly retro movie-going experience, entirely free of people flying through the air, or morphing into something else, or having long conversations with characters who weren't added until post-production. There were, however, one liners, and explosions, and one liners that came directly after explosions. ("You just killed a helicopter with a car!" "I was out of bullets.") There was also pizza and refreshing adult beverages, because we saw it at the Cerrito, a second-run theater where such things are served. I like it there; it's cheap and there's a relaxed kind of atmosphere where you can get away with the occasional sotto voce commentary. (Me: "Since when do servers have CD drives?" Mary: ""That's where you lose your suspension of disbelief?")
In short, if you are in the market for a big dumb movie to go boom at you, you could do worse.

Good Trailer, Bad Trailer

Recently, I went to see Ratatouille (excellent movie, by the way) and, of course, there were plenty of trailers to watch before the feature.

This one made me very happy:



I think I'm already in love with that robot.


And then there was this one, which made me question my sanity:



Because, to me, making a feature film based on a crappy cartoon from the sixties, and doing it live action, with an actual dog that flys, talks with that creepy moving-lip CGI thing and screams like Macaulay Culkin circa Home Alone sounds like a bad idea. But clearly a number of highly-paid movie executives, professionals at the height of their careers disagreed, and decided to spend more money than I am likely to see in my lifetime to make this idea a reality. So I have to wonder: Does their knowledge and experience mean nothing? Or could it be that they are right and, all appearances to the contrary, this is actually a good idea; that everything I thought I knew about reality is nothing but a sad and broken dream?

You see my problem.

YouTube Friday: Music And Lyrics

My favorite thing about JetBlue, aside from the blue potato chips, is the tv screens at every seat that let you pick what you want to watch, rather than being stuck getting sucked in to whatever they're showing on the little screens in the middle of the aisle. Unfortunately, on this latest trip, I was flying United, and they were showing the movie "Music and Lyrics" in both directions. I wasn't very interested in the movie, mainly because I just can't get my head around Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant as a couple, but I did love this video, which they showed under the opening and closing credits. It's the video for the big hit song from the band that Hugh Grant's character was in in the 80's, and it's kind of awesome.



Is it stuck in you head yet? It will be.

Belated Oscars Commentary

Now that it's a couple of days later, and everybody is completely over the Oscars, I think it's about time I weighed in with my thoughts. (In the form of a bulleted list, because that's always fun.)

- Ellen: Did pretty well as host, really, one of the more thankless jobs going. Think about it; tens of millions of people watching you, simultaneously expecting nonstop comedic brilliance and wishing you'd just shut up and get on with the show so they can go to bed, playing to a room of people who aren't going to laugh unless they can see a more famous person laughing so they know it's okay. So I'm not going to be too harsh on her comedy.

- I am, however, going to be harsh on her clothes. I knew she was going to be wearing a tux, and I'm fine with that. I could even have handled the fact that it was maroon velvet, if it had actually fit her. But nothing is going to get me to forgive the white patent leather loafers. (How many Salvation Army stores did she have to hit to find those?) Just because you're a comedienne is no excuse to go dressing like a used-car salesman attending a Lion's Club dinner, circa 1978.

- But I really should be thanking her for providing the necessary outlet for snarkiness, because otherwise the event was suffering from and unfortunate outbreak of taste and elegance in the clothing department, leaving poor Jennifer Hudson to face the collective wrath of the 5,864,233 fashion commentators present. And, yeah, the odd little shrug and disproportionate spagetti straps were unfortunate, but let's face it, it was no swan dress.

- Did you know they actually gave out awards at this thing? For movies! I hadn't seen any of them, because I have very bad taste.

- But I do have to comment on what was the greatest travesty of the evening, and possibly the decade: Happy Feet beating out Cars for best animated feature. I believe I have made my feeling on the former abundantly clear, but feel free to bring up the topic with me some time and I'll go ahead and rant some more to you.

- Based on the performances at the show, I would say that Best Song was a dissappointment too. I'm generally much more of a fan of Melissa Etheridge than Beyonce, but I have to say that any of the Dreamgirls songs (with a slight edge to "Listen", for being the most contemporary and least show-tuney) would have been better than whatever was the name of the one Ms. Etheridge won with. Seriously, the only thing I remember about her performance is that at one point the screen behind her flashed the word "recycle."

- I wonder what the CA Redemption Value of an Oscar is.

- About the running time. The show's producers are always blaming the winners for making it run long by taking too long with their thank-yous. That may have been true in the past, but if they try to use that excuse this year I'll be right here to tell you they're full of it. Because even if you cut every acceptance speech out of that program, it still would have run long by approximately, by my estimate, two montages and an honorary award. And anyway, shouldn't they be ready for long speeches? It's kind of like leaving yourself only fifteen minutes to get into the city on a Saturday afternoon and then blaming the fact that you're half an hour late on traffic on the Eastshore. I mean, what did you expect?

The Woods-Williams Subtlety in Movies Act of 2006

Proposed: That no movie which contains in it singing and/or dancing penguins shall also include, as its climactic scene, live human actors depicting the members of the UN debating a ban on fishing in the Antarctic oceans, inspired by the power of dance. Violation of this law shall result in fines not less than a third of the gross earnings of said movie, to be paid to the North American Professional Fisheries Association. Failure to pay will be punished by the employment of government agents to attend all screenings of the offending movie and declare, "You have got to be kidding me" at regular intervals.

All fines are to be doubled if said movie employs a rendition of the song "Leader of the Pack" for dramatic purposes.