It's Called "Personal" Hygene; Let's Keep It That Way

Things that disgust me, in ascending order:

1. People brushing their teeth in the work bathroom.
2. People flossing in the work bathroom.
3. The spatter of toothpaste and crud on the mirror that persists for the rest of the day due to people brushing and flossing in the work bathroom.

It's not that I want your teeth to rot; it's just that I'd rather not be a spectator in the process.

An Open Letter to Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434

Dear Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434,

I know it isn't a lot of fun getting emails you don't want in your inbox. I particularly know this, Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434, because I am actually getting all the emails you don't want in your inbox, in my inbox, because you have been habitually using my email address whenever you sign up for something. I do not appreciate this, Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434, not the OKCupid membership, or the realtors sending me information about South Florida housing prices, or even your TurboTax filing information. Now, Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434, that last one was actually not such a great idea, not only because they helpfully sent me your full name and address:

But also because it means you are not getting important information, like the fact that your Federal return has been rejected by the IRS because your Social Security number cannot be used more than once in the return or on another return (R0000-515) and the 'Primary Prior Year AGI' or 'Primary Prior Year PIN' must match the IRS Master File (F1040-679-01). Therefore, Daisy Jimenez of 8310 Dahlia Ave, Tampa FL 33619-7434, I would suggest you rethink this policy in the future, and maybe get yourself a second email address that is actually your own for just this purpose. Then we'll all be happy.

Sincerely,
The Person Whose Email Address You Have Been Using

I Am Not Making This Up

You thought I was exaggerating about my cubicle neighbor's insanely sycophantic conversation style? Well, I have here a transcript of the majority of the things she said in about two minutes of conversation that proves that I wasn't:

"Okay."
"Absolutely"
"Yeah"
"Yeah"
"Yes, exactly"
"Right"
"That's interesting"
"Interesting"
"Right"
"Right"
"Sure"


Can I start screaming now?

Attention, Grown Men of San Francisco

Enough with the little Razr scooters already. You look ridiculous.

Honestly, is walking really that hard?

Ode to the Person in the Neighboring Cubicle

I don't know how to say this, but
I hate you.
Harsh but accurate.

I hate your endless personal phone calls
Your novelty ringtone
Your eternal coughing that
echoes across the empty office space.

I find it annoying everyone else
in your group was laid off.
But you weren't.

And more than anything I hate
the way that every conversation you have
is just you saying, "Right." "Of course." "Exactly." "You're right."
To the disembodied male voice that's talking to you.

That's why I had to write you this poem
in free verse.
The only thing I hate more than you.

Why Crocs Will Destroy the Universe

(Author's note: It hardly needs saying that the following applies equally to Uggs.)

Occasionally, people try to convince me that wearing plastic gardening clogs out in public isn't so bad. I kill them, of course. But there are a lot of misguided people in the world and if I tried to go around killing them all I would never get anything else done. So I will try and convince the rest of you by using the combined forces of reason and a very loose interpretation of the second law of thermodynamics.

Firstly, though, we need to establish some basic assumptions.

1. Crocs are ugly. They are fat, chunky plastic things, brightly colored Mickey Mouse feet with holes in them. No one ever put on a pair of Crocs, looked at themselves in a mirror and thought, "Damn, I am bringing it."

2. Did I mention that they are made of plastic? Unless you are employed in certain specialized roles in the adult entertainment sector, you should not own any items of clothing for which the care instructions are "wipe clean with a damp cloth."

3. There is, in fact, a situation where brightly colored plastic sandals can be cute. This would be when the wearer is under eight years old and has not yet mastered shoelaces. I can understand not wanting to give up the good things about childhood, like summer vacations and waterslides. But why would any adult in his or her right mind want to reclaim the time when they couldn't quite get the whole "rabbit goes into the hole" thing?

Everyone clear on those? Okay then. On to the Universe.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics, Heavily Paraphrased states that in any system, entropy can only increase. Which means that every time someone takes the lazy way out, every time a grownup decides he or she doesn't need to put on real shoes like the rest of us, every time the words "but they're comfortable" are uttered as an excuse, the total entropy of the universe is increased by that much, and we inch ever closer to annihilation by disordering.

Really, it's just plain logic.