Ugly Clothes for Rich People XII

Hopping onto the single origin trend, I present to you a selection culled entirely from one store. You get a much better sense of the terroir, don't you think?

Comme des Garcons cape, $1850

Fun prank: At some point during the day, suddenly look down and scream, "My arms! What happened to my arms!"

Ann Demeulemeester pants, $675

Look, if you can't figure out how to make a pair of pants, there's no shame in asking for help.

Junya Watanabe dress, $765

The fashion industry, having now used all of the conventional style icons approximately ten thousand times, has been forced to turn to your grandfather for inspiration.

Comme des Garcons skirt, $655

For only six hundred and fifty-five dollars, they will sell you a $40 skirt and tell you to put it on backwards. Because: Fashion!

Lavin dress, $3,470

Yep, you just paid more than three grand for an item that is basically indistinguishable from the bikini-body t-shirts they sell at the beach. Your mother must be so proud.

Balmain t-shirt

Look at this t-shirt. Eh, it looks fine. It's a t-shirt. What's there to get so excited about?

Okay, now look at it:

Balmain t-shirt, $665

The You Paid How Much? Gift Guide

What to buy for that person who has everything, except taste and a brain.

Loro Piana checkers mat, $2050

If I am going to be dropping upwards of two grand (plus shipping) on a piece of felt, I would frankly expect to see an actual picture of it first.

Playing cards sold separately.

Jack Spade scarf, $165

There is nothing wrong with the idea of a humorous novelty scarf that looks like a hotdog. There is, however, something very wrong with the idea of paying $165 for a humorous novelty scarf that looks like a hotdog.

"Survey Stick", $350

Po-TAY-to/po-TAH-to; beat-up old ruler you stick in the garden to tie up your tomatoes/"survey stick" worth a hundred dollars. Let's call the whole thing crap.

Boy. Band of Outsiders poncho, $495

Emergency poncho, $3.99

 One of these things is just like the other/One of these prices is totally wrong/Can you tell which thing is for stupid people/Do you even remember this song?

Maison Martin Margiela snowglobe, $195

This, my friends, is a two-hundred-dollar plastic snowglobe. With nothing in it.

It's backordered.

Ugly Clothes For Rich People XI

They are the gifts that keeps on giving, from the fools who keep on spending.

Versace shoes, $2225

When Dolly Parton famously said "It takes a lot of money to look this cheap," I don't think she had any idea exactly how far the concept would be taken.

Dolce & Gabbana earrings, $490

Really, Dolce & Gabbana? Pasta? Really?

Ann Demeulemeester vest, $640

For those days when it seems like your sequined jacket would be a bit much.

Ralph Lauren dress, $1098

I don't care how much you looooooves the pretty horsies; once your age is in the double-digits you can no longer wear them on your clothes.

Charlotte Olympia shoes, $1445

Janie's got a glue gun.

Dolce & Gabbana t-shirt, $275

"Hey, ladies, I just spent $275 for a shirt with a picture of a convicted rapist on it. Line forms to the left."

These are:

               a) Respectively, a filthy old sneaker of the sort you would wear while cleaning out the garage, and a baby shoe.
               b) Designer products being sold to actual, grown women at a total cost of greater than $1100.
               c) Sad and hilarious in roughly equal parts.

Choose all that apply.

I Sense Great Fail Here

Commes des Garcons shirt, $395

The problem, you see it not? Explain with an infographic I will.

UPDATE: Also, $485 seems like a lot for Yoda pants.

Ugly Clothes for Rich People X

Let's see what all the wealthy idiots will be wearing this season, shall we?

Thakoon coat, $1,990

"But Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella. "What if I get cold? It is the middle of fall, after all, as we can see by all these ripe pumpkins."
So her fairy godmother gathered up a horse blanket and a couple of shower mitts and waved her wand, and in a flash of light they were transformed into a lovely coat.
"Now remember," the Fairy Godmother said. "You must be home by midnight, before these things turn back into the pile of trash that they are and you end up looking ridiculous."

Nigel Cabourn pants, $865

Imagine, if you can, the process involved in buying these. A person, presumably sober, walking into the store, sees these pants, picks them up and decides to try them on, all without laughing so hard he has a seizure. Looking at himself in the mirror, he decides that yes, these are worth almost nine hundred dollars of his money. And then he pays for them and leaves, without once stopping to evaluate how his life got to this point.

Boggles the mind, doesn't it?

Moschino t-shirt, $295

 Nothing says kicky fun like contemplating suicide!

Emma Cook skirt, $335

 For some reason I am feeling a sudden impulse to tease my bangs. Someone hand me the Aquanet.

Ann Demeulmeester coat, $748

Paging Dr. Sparkles!

Ugly Clothes for Rich People Part IX

They're here, they're ugly, you can't afford it.

Rochas bodysuit, $850

Perfect if your Halloween costume is "sexy skin disease."

Haider Ackerman Pants, $1220

Early front-runner for the Least Flattering Pants of the Year award.

Maison Martin Margiela smock, $1845

 Hey, remember that time you got so drunk you lost all your clothes, and you had to ride home on the bus with a rug strapped to your torso? And then you sold it for almost two grand? No? Huh. Must've been someone else.

Ugly Clothes for Rich People, Holiday Sales II

The holidays are over, but the supply of expensive ugliness on sale is endless. If you are a stupid rich person who is not quite as stupid and/or rich as your compatriots, this is the season for you.

Comme des Garcons jacket?, $777.59

Perfect for achieving that effortless look of someone who put on one sleeve of her jacket, then tore the other one off and tying the rest into a kind of matted backpack-knot.

Elisanero oxfords, $199.19

For the woman who believes you are never truly dressed without at least one item of clothing that makes you look like a cartoon hobo.

Maison Martin Margiela top, $266.39

"I'm molting! Molting!"

Stella McCartney cashmere jogging pants, $502.19

 There is nothing I can say here that will be funnier than the description, so I'll just repeat it: Five-hundred-dollar cashmere jogging pants.

Ugly Clothes for Rich People, Part Post-Holiday Sales

Times are tough all over, and even wealthy idiots are feeling the need to cut back on their hideous-clothing budgets. So let's see what they'll be saving on, in order to have more money to spend on fur-lined beer cozies for their caveman-themed Superbowl parties.*

*Note: I was just going to do one of these, but I found so much material just in the first store I was looking that I think I may stretch this out over the whole week. Unless I forget.

KORS Michael Kors boot, $416

In theory, I am in sympathy with rejecting the idea that a woman must shave every bit of hair off her body to be socially acceptable. In practice, I think there might be better ways of making this point during the winter.

Dior ankle boot, $1050

You know what I want my feet to look like? Hooves. Giant, beige hooves. With buckles.

Giambattista Valli dress, $2397

"Excuse me, ma'am, I think your skirt is blebbing."

Roberto Cavalli caftan, $1326

Who knew that those guys who sell carpets out of the back of a truck at rural intersections were actually on the cutting edge of fashion?

Nicholas Kirkwood bootie, $1031

Get yourself a couple of pairs of googly eyes, and pretend you're walking around with your feet stuck into Grimace's head!

Prada tote, $4185

You can not call yourself a true fashionista unless you have spent upwards of four grand on an item that no one will believe you didn't just pick up at a church rummage sale.

Alexander McQueen jacket, $1604

You know what they say about a man with huge, awkwardly-placed pockets: That he has giant hands and very tiny arms.

Ugly Clothes For Rich People Part IIX

All footnotes, all the time! These garments can't decide what they are, and I can't decide how best to insult them.

Opening Ceremony coat, $375

It's like a mullet, if the principle behind a mullet was "business on top, Yeti from the shoulders down."*

Dolce & Gabbana hoodie, $489

It's a sweatshirt that was wearing a sweater when it (the sweatshirt) was exposed to gamma radiation, causing it, the next time it got angry, to rip through its sweater with a cry of "Rah! Sweatshirt smash!"**

James Long shirt, $1,235

"Wow, Aunt Mavis, this is really. . . a shirt. I had no idea you had taken your macrame hobby so far."***

Ancien Regime pants, $337.50

Bell-bottoms or knee-skirts? You be the judge.****

Stella McCartney jumpsuit and skirt, $9,950

It's not one, not two, but three hideous outfits in one! And all for no more than what you'd pay for a late-model used sedan!*****


*Apparently, the designer heard that shoulders were hot this year, and seriously misinterpreted.
**It's always a good idea to be wearing two sweaters, in case the first one is eaten off your body by a surprise swarm of high-speed moths, as this gentleman is demonstrating.
***"I'm so glad you like it. And you can save on closet space, because you can tie the bottom together and hang it in the living room with a plant in it!"
****And jury. And executioner.
*****The best part is that they're selling it as a wedding dress.******
******No, wait the even better best part is the suggestion that you "lose the skirt and rock the lace jumpsuit during the reception." You know, as one does.

Ugly Gifts for Rich People

As Black Friday closes in on us, let's take a moment to reflect on what the more fortunate, and less intelligent, among us are going to have their employees wrapping for them this year.

Gucci hat, $325

"Merry Christmas honey! I think you're a total douchebag."

Maison Frances Kurkdjian bubbles 1.5 oz, $20

Oh for the love of god. Listen, crazy rich people, I am going to try to explain this in a simple enough way that even you can understand: Children do not care about fancy bubbles. They are not interested in the fact that you spent as much on this as twelve bottles of regular bubbles would cost, or that they have delightful notes of fresh cut herbs. In fact, no child has even been interested in any sort of bubbles for more than seven minutes, so you might as well just give up and go buy accessories for your dog.

Jay Strongwater box, $1,400

"Oh, um wow. Thank you."
"It's a toad!"
"Yes, yes I see that."
"And it's also a box! See you can open its back and put something small in it. Like, maybe some toothpicks."
"Yes, it's very useful. And, um, sparkly."
"I knew you'd like it! It was very expensive."

David Yurman bracelet, $595

Things to ask yourself when buying a gift of jewelry for a man:
Is this something he could get for twelve dollars from a vendor on Telegraph Avenue?
Will wearing it make him look like his development arrested at seventeen years old?
Does it cost nearly six hundred dollars?
If the answer to two or more of these questions is yes, put away your credit card and go drink rum toddies until the feeling passes.

Ralph Lauren trinket tray, $250

Because nothing says 'powerful executive' like a tiny silver toilet seat on your desk.