Monday, April 30, 2012

Reorg Day!

It's like this, but with more button-downs.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Kickstarter Project of the Week: Prospect Cemetary Documentary

I think it's time I take a little break from all the raging and talk about something positive for a change. So: cemeteries!

No, seriously. My friend Cornelia Read and her friend Peter Riegert are working on a documentary about the reclamation of the oldest cemetery in Jamacia, Queens, and they're funding the initial phase through Kickstarter.*

(The cemetery also features in Cornelia's book Invisible Boy, which you should definitely read, only not in a place where it will be a problem if you start crying, like on a job interview or at the dentist.)

Note: I'm trying to embed the video, but it's not working very well. Will try again later. Anyway, you should probably just follow the link and watch it.

*If you aren't familiar with it, Kickstarter is a mirco-financing website, where people post projects they are working on, with a funding goal and a deadline for funding. There are awards for different levels of donations** and all the money is collected through Amazon's billing system. My favorite thing that I've backed so far is these plush DNA nucleotides, which are so wonderful I can't even.

**Like PBS, but with fewer tote bags.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Since You Asked: Brides Magazine Advice Column

The upside/downside of our recent home invasion by Brides magazine is the truly wonderful advice column. I may have to offer my help to all of the questioners eventually, but for now let's just take it from the top.

My fiance's family is showing zero interest in planning the wedding, while my parents are really involved. He tells me not to take offense-- it's just how they are-- but I'm starting to feel like they don't like me. Is this normal? Should I say something to them?

Dear Person,

The columnist addressed the functional part of your question in her answer-- pointing out that they may be staying out of your hair out of kindness, or just because they have better things to do*-- so I'm going to skip that and get to your Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Have you always felt that other people should arrange their lives entirely around your interests, or is it a new thing? I realize that a couple of hours spent huffing bridal-magazine glue can make it seem like choosing a napkin color is the most important decision since the deployment of the a-bomb, only with more potential casualties, but believe me when I say that not everyone feels this way.

But we're just skirting the real issue here, aren't we? You don't actually want your fiance's family weighing in on the planning with their terrible ideas. (What kind of monster would suggest green ribbons for the centerpieces? The horror.) No, what you want is to be recognized as the most important person in the world by everyone involved, because that is your birthright. It's the modern way: Forget the whole princess-for-a-day thing; now you're the despotic ruler of a small island nation for a good eight months.

So, no, you shouldn't say anything. They're probably already pretty sure you're crazy; why spoil the fun of guessing?


*Giving me a good impression of her sense and intelligence, which lasted until I read her answer to the next question, where she basically said that a bridesmaid who has the nerve to dislike the dress she is being forced to purchase is probably fat and/or unhappy about being single, and is also a horrible whiny bitch who you should just stop being friends with. So, yeah, there's that.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Wedding Zombie Update

Oh no! They got in the house!

Save yourselves! It's too late for me.

In case you were wondering:

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Stupid Kitchen Implements Part 2

Handy lesson from last weekend: Sur la Table is a very entertaining store, but they have slightly too many employees on their floor to be able to comfortably point at things and declare "What kind of idiot would buy THAT?" while laughing.

Fortunately, they have a website.

Tuna Drainer, $3.95
How to drain canned tuna:

1. With a can opener, open lid almost all the way around.
2. Use your fingers to hold lid against tuna as you drain the liquid into the sink.
3. Lift lid and remove tuna.
4. Do not spend actual money on yet another pointless piece of plastic to perform a trivial task, you !^$*%#&%% moron.

Chili Pepper rack, $19.95
Asparagus clips, $14.95
Did it ever occur to you that there might be some items that are not meant to be cooked on a grill?

And the winner, for the overall title of Stupidest Thing Found at Sur la Table:
Pizza Cone kit, $24.95
Who wants this? Who, in the entire fullness of space and time has ever said, "Hey, pizza is great, but I really wish it came in a cone."? Or thinks the issue with pizza is that you simply can not use it to cram enough calories into your body at a time? Wouldn't it be more efficient to inject the fat directly under your skin? Is there any way this is not going to be a soggy, drippy mess in under thirty seconds? So many questions, so little inclination to care.

Plus, don't forget your pizza cone stand liners! (Sold separately.)

Monday, April 09, 2012

I Have The Same Problem with 'Mississippi'

From this week's cafeteria menu:

I'm pretty sure all the letters are in there, at least.

Worrying thought: Where are they finding their recipes?