Thanks Be To Cat

As we prepare for this holiday season, let us not forget what it is truly about: Sending your cat to board at a place where they take vaguely seasonal pictures of him, and apparently give him a collar.

What do you want from me?

Rumpole Has No Time For Your Commercialized Romantic Holidays

Rumpole wants you to know that Valentine's Day was just invented to sell overpriced cards, and he is totally not going to fall for it. If you need him, he'll be over here in the corner, glowering.

I Had Democracy Once. It Was Awful

Recently we had the occasion to go out of town for an anniversary trip, because it was our anniversary. Which was great for us, but less so for Rumpole, our cat, who had to spend an extended weekend in kitty jail.

It's actually a nice place, with play time and people who like cats very much, and they always send you a picture at some point (or, as Cam calls it "proof of life"). This month, they even had a cute thematic set for it.

Rumpole was not amused.

"A teddy bear? Are you people kidding me?"

I think this needs to be a campaign poster for his run for political office, but I'm having trouble coming up with a slogan. ("Rumpole For Emperor: Kiss the Paw"?)


(Post title reference here for those of you who don't spend your time following memes.)

New Year's Cheese

You know what's better than going out on New Year's Eve? Staying home and eating cheese:

Top row: Cowgirl Creamery Wagon Wheel, Blue Stilton
Bottom row: Hirtenkase, Cypress Grove Humboldt Fog, Cave Aged Gruyere
Not pictured: Brillat-Savarin

With the brand new set of cheese knives you got for Christmas:

I'm still not totally sure what the big one is for.

And do you know what's even better than staying home and eating cheese with your new cheese knives, and also quite filling? Staying home and eating graavlax and caviar on blinis* made by Cameron:

It's bad form to sneak too many bites of caviar when someone else is busy cooking. Or so I've heard.

And don't forget the creme fraiche:

It's white sauce!**

Of course, now one may be left of the problem of a great deal of leftover cheese (see above).***

This is what I would call a "manageable problem."


*Modified recipe, because the yeast part seemed like too much work. Basically, pancakes with buckwheat flour, and delicious.
**No, I don't get it either.
***Except for the Brillat-Savarin (not pictured).

Best "Best of 2011" Lists of 2011

10. Best Celebrity Mug Shots
I can't decide which is my favorite: The Smashing Pumpkins bass player who was booked for her horses getting out, or Andy Dick being arrested for public intoxication at a Marie Callendars.

9. Best Pieces of Random Inspirational Pablum, As Chosen By Their Writer
Or, rather, by the person who flipped through a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul and picked out her favorite cliches.

8. Best Table Tennis Shots
With jaunty Christmas music!


7. Best Professional Wrestling Moments
Will any of us ever forget where we were when the Ring of Honor went National?

6. Best Parliamentary Brawls
Pound-for-pound, a better fight deal than anything you'll find in the Ring of Honor.

5. Best Celebrity Twitter Feeds
2011: The year celebrities finally realized their true potential and cut out the middleman in sharing their embarrassing gossip with the world.

4. Best Dentists of Greater Washington Area
Although, at a total of 298 entries, I'm a little concerned about what you had to do to be left off the list. Leechings?

3. Best Lingerie Collection
A little something for the gentlemen. . .

2. Best Ryan Gosling Moments
. . . And for the ladies

1. Best Hats
Just to top it off.


Happy New Year!

Shoefinder: Holiday Edition

Going to a holiday party this year? You're going to need some shoes. That's where I come in.

For the giant family gathering where you will spend most of the time chasing tiny nieces and nephews around the living room with a nerf gun, because you want them to revere you as the awesome aunt who is both fun and glamorous:

Vera Wang Lavender flats

If your sister-in-law gets annoyed, just point out that she could have fabulous shoes too, if she wasn't spending all her money on child-rearing. Then smile and say you hope they like the drum set.


For the gathering of high school friends/enemies you haven't seen in years, who may or may not still think of you primarily as the person who once slipped on a cafeteria tray and toppled six tables, domino-style, before coming to rest on a freshman (who was a good sport about it, considering):

Loeffler Randall "Zuri"

Fun and festive without trying too hard-- because even though everything else about you has changed, you still don't want people to think you care that much.


For a company party in a hotel ballroom, where everyone stands around talking about whether you'll get acquired and tries not to drink so much that the dance floor starts to sound like a good idea:

Salvatore Ferragamo "Davina"

They say, "I am restrained and professional, and also awesome. Plus, I have very good balance."


For a work party in the company cafeteria, where too much awesomeness would look out of place and you'd rather just be comfortable:

Sofft "Noral"

These are to the previous as Martinelli's sparkling apple juice is to champagne: Nowhere near as glamorous or fun, but sweeter and less likely to leave you feeling painful in the morning.

You Payed What? Manly Gift Edition

Because the Ugly Things For Rich People posts aren't really supposed to be about stuff that is just expensive*, but there are some items that are too stupid to not make fun of on the internet.**

Shipley & Halmos "beer sleeve," $2.50 for 6

By far the cheapest item I have ever posted, and yet, in its own way, the most insidiously stupid. Because yes, it is moderately amusing (the joke, if you can't read the printing, is that it is a paper bag with detailed instructions for wrapping it around a bottle of beer). And as gag gift prices go, two-fifty is not exactly breaking the bank. But that's not the point. The point is that because Shipley & Halmos is a fancy clothes designer, they are able to take some paper bags, print something moderately amusing on them, and sell them at a 30-fold markup. Because now they're fashion!

Best Made axe, $300

 This entire shop seems to be aimed at people who have either never heard of a hardware store, or are too afraid to go in them. Is shop class really that traumatic? Look, I am sure that this is a fine axe, just as I am equally sure that it is not 7.9 times better than this axe, which comes highly recommended by people who have actually used it to chop things. Of course, the sellers would argue that you just have to pay more for fine American craftsmanship than for imports from cheaper foreign countries. You know, like Finland.


*I try. I do not always succeed.
**It's the internet. That's what it's for.

You Can Go With This, Or You Can Go With That

And now, for your Tuesday viewing pleasure, some sparkling shoes for the holidays.

High:

Low:

Big pile of no:

Ugly Gifts for Rich People

As Black Friday closes in on us, let's take a moment to reflect on what the more fortunate, and less intelligent, among us are going to have their employees wrapping for them this year.

Gucci hat, $325

"Merry Christmas honey! I think you're a total douchebag."

Maison Frances Kurkdjian bubbles 1.5 oz, $20

Oh for the love of god. Listen, crazy rich people, I am going to try to explain this in a simple enough way that even you can understand: Children do not care about fancy bubbles. They are not interested in the fact that you spent as much on this as twelve bottles of regular bubbles would cost, or that they have delightful notes of fresh cut herbs. In fact, no child has even been interested in any sort of bubbles for more than seven minutes, so you might as well just give up and go buy accessories for your dog.

Jay Strongwater box, $1,400

"Oh, um wow. Thank you."
"It's a toad!"
"Yes, yes I see that."
"And it's also a box! See you can open its back and put something small in it. Like, maybe some toothpicks."
"Yes, it's very useful. And, um, sparkly."
"I knew you'd like it! It was very expensive."

David Yurman bracelet, $595

Things to ask yourself when buying a gift of jewelry for a man:
Is this something he could get for twelve dollars from a vendor on Telegraph Avenue?
Will wearing it make him look like his development arrested at seventeen years old?
Does it cost nearly six hundred dollars?
If the answer to two or more of these questions is yes, put away your credit card and go drink rum toddies until the feeling passes.

Ralph Lauren trinket tray, $250

Because nothing says 'powerful executive' like a tiny silver toilet seat on your desk.

Crime Scene at My Fingertips

I'm not a big Halloween person (Except for the candy. I am definitely a big candy person.), but I came across this nail-polish tutorial and decided to give it a try. I think it turned out pretty well-- the only downside is that occasionally I will be eating something and be briefly freaked out by my nails, before I remember that I painted them that way.

A Case of the Cyber-Mondays

It's the Monday after Thanksgiving.* You're back at your desk, bleary-eyed and wondering what it is you actually do for a living and if it is really possible for a person to eat her own weight in turkey, when you happen to open your email. Immediately, your eyeballs slam to the back of your head, battered by the force of the sheer number of messages with "cyber Monday" in the subject line. You want to participate, you think it wouldn't be a bad idea to start your Christmas shopping sometime before December 23rd, and you don't really feel like doing any work today, but you just don't know where to start. That's where I come in.

Bloomingdale's: $50 off if you spend $250, sales on boots, jackets, sweaters.
Only good if you were planning to drop some fairly serious cash here, but if there's a big ticket item you had in mind, now's the moment. (A moment, anyway.) And, as gifts of clothing go, a coat is a relatively safe one, given the flexibility of the sizing. Faux fur is kind of having a moment right now, as is leopard-print, so if you have someone on your gift-list who can handle it, this jacket might be just the thing. Or you might think I'm insane, which would be nothing new. In that case, you might want to go with something a little simpler.

Ann Taylor: 40% off everything with the code "MONDAY" today only.
Not so much a gift place, but if you need a dress for an office party you could do a lot worse than this. Throw on a flashy necklace and some heels and you're good to go. And nothing says, "Here, I got you a gift" like a scarf.

The Pre-Thanksgiving Whole Foods Run Checklist

Labwork: Finished
Grocery List: Composed
Loins: Girded
Shoes: Sturdy
Eyes: On the prize
Dates: Consumed
Medjools: Preferred to these deglets
Live and: Learn
Where was I?: Oh, right.
Fire: In belly
Song: In heart
Elbows: Sharp

Okay boys and girls, let's do this thing.

Shoesday of Thanks

Since it seems to be the moment for such behavior, I thought I'd use this time to mention a few things I am thankful for. (I suppose, in the true tradition of the holiday, I should find some Indians to thank for providing my with food, and then send them to live in South Dakota, but I don't know any of the right kind and I think Archana and Hema would just be confused.) Right? Here we go: Good health, a steady job, a steady job with good health insurance, a loving family, a wonderful boyfriend who only gets a little upset when I jab him in the eye first thing in the morning, a car that finally works, chickpeas (my new favorite legumes), a stylist who is capable of giving me a reliably decent haircut for a price that comes in under 'a fortune,' Trader Joes' frozen lunches, red wine, white wine, pretty much any kind of wine except white zin, which is really just alcoholic Kool-Aid, and you can make that yourself much cheaper, the fact that most of the annoying people have been eliminated on Amazing Race, and these shoes. I saw them about a year ago and wanted them SO MUCH, but I wasn't able to pull the trigger in time and they got away. And I thought they were gone for good, until I was browsing Editor's Closet the other day, large as life with one pair left, in my size.* It was a Thanksgiving miracle, just like when the pilgrims thought they didn't have enough turkey for everyone, because Goodwife Hawkins showed up with seven of her nephews and the pilgrims had to scramble to find the extra leaf for the table and borrow some chairs from the Indians. But everyone would filled up on millet bread, and there was even leftover stuffing, which is what made it a miracle.

*Okay, so technically they are slightly smaller than my size, but this is not important. They fit because they have to fit.

Shoesday: Out With The Old, On With The New

Don't you hate all the posts this time of year about renewal and resolutions? Well, tough, because here comes another one.

I spent yesterday cleaning out my closet, a development that actually has a lot less to do with the incoming year than it does to the fact that in about a week and a half we are moving to a fabulous new apartment, and even though it has ample closet space, I don't want to have to move anything more than absolutely necessary*. I've done this before, on previous moves, but I was feeling particularly brutal today, and even the usually-sacred-haven of my shoe closet was not spared in the frenzy of trashing and donating.

(For the faint of heart, I want to assure you that the shoes pictured here were not among the casualties. I'll get to writing about them in a minute, but I just wanted to make sure that was clear.)

The shoes I did get rid of fell into two categories: worn too much (already-replaced running sneakers, well-loved but past-the-point-of-repair everyday shoes, all sent to the trash with some regret) and not worn enough. The latter were a mix of purchasing mistakes and the not-quite or no-longer fabulous enough, shoes that simply were not earning their closet space. None of them had shown up on the blog, which I think is telling. If a shoe isn't interesting enough to write about, why keep it around?

These shoes, on the other hand, are interesting enough to have their own blog. They were my birthday present from Cameron (picked out by me), purchased on our stop in New York and fabulous beyond human comprehension. You should see them with the purple tights.** In fact, I wore them into BevMo and two separate people (an employee and a guy who was there browsing the tequila selection and talking about how he was growing chronic (his words) for the government now) spontaneously came up and told me how awesome they were. True story.


*Actually, my preference would be to have all of my stuff magically teleport to the new place. I hate moving.

**I'm trying to come up with a way to work these into my New Years plans of getting my hair cut, going to Karen's Rock-Paper-Scissors Invitational and hanging out in the barn watching movies with my parents, but so far I'm coming up blank.