Saturday, December 31, 2011

Best "Best of 2011" Lists of 2011

10. Best Celebrity Mug Shots
I can't decide which is my favorite: The Smashing Pumpkins bass player who was booked for her horses getting out, or Andy Dick being arrested for public intoxication at a Marie Callendars.

9. Best Pieces of Random Inspirational Pablum, As Chosen By Their Writer
Or, rather, by the person who flipped through a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul and picked out her favorite cliches.

8. Best Table Tennis Shots
With jaunty Christmas music!

7. Best Professional Wrestling Moments
Will any of us ever forget where we were when the Ring of Honor went National?

6. Best Parliamentary Brawls
Pound-for-pound, a better fight deal than anything you'll find in the Ring of Honor.

5. Best Celebrity Twitter Feeds
2011: The year celebrities finally realized their true potential and cut out the middleman in sharing their embarrassing gossip with the world.

4. Best Dentists of Greater Washington Area
Although, at a total of 298 entries, I'm a little concerned about what you had to do to be left off the list. Leechings?

3. Best Lingerie Collection
A little something for the gentlemen. . .

2. Best Ryan Gosling Moments
. . . And for the ladies

1. Best Hats
Just to top it off.

Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Ugly Clothes For Rich People Part IIX

All footnotes, all the time! These garments can't decide what they are, and I can't decide how best to insult them.

Opening Ceremony coat, $375
It's like a mullet, if the principle behind a mullet was "business on top, Yeti from the shoulders down."*

Dolce & Gabbana hoodie, $489
It's a sweatshirt that was wearing a sweater when it (the sweatshirt) was exposed to gamma radiation, causing it, the next time it got angry, to rip through its sweater with a cry of "Rah! Sweatshirt smash!"**

James Long shirt, $1,235
"Wow, Aunt Mavis, this is really. . . a shirt. I had no idea you had taken your macrame hobby so far."***

Ancien Regime pants, $337.50
Bell-bottoms or knee-skirts? You be the judge.****

Stella McCartney jumpsuit and skirt, $9,950
It's not one, not two, but three hideous outfits in one! And all for no more than what you'd pay for a late-model used sedan!*****

*Apparently, the designer heard that shoulders were hot this year, and seriously misinterpreted.
**It's always a good idea to be wearing two sweaters, in case the first one is eaten off your body by a surprise swarm of high-speed moths, as this gentleman is demonstrating.
***"I'm so glad you like it. And you can save on closet space, because you can tie the bottom together and hang it in the living room with a plant in it!"
****And jury. And executioner.
*****The best part is that they're selling it as a wedding dress.******
******No, wait the even better best part is the suggestion that you "lose the skirt and rock the lace jumpsuit during the reception." You know, as one does.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Celebrity Cook-Off: Your Burning Questions Answered

It has recently come to the world's attention* that Food Network is planning to debut a new show, hosted by Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri, in which D-H level celebrities compete to see who can get the most screen time while preparing food. Naturally, you have some questions that need to be answered, and that's what I'm here for.**

Q: A show that combines the premises of "Dancing with the Stars" and "Top Chef?" Why hasn't this been made before now?
A: We believe that the program was actually created in 2007 and was accidentally transported to our time when someone dropped a sandwich on the Large Hadron Collider. The downside is that we think the Higgs boson went the other way, and now has a development deal with SoapNet.

Q: Could you use a photo of the hosts to illustrate every element a woman should avoid when choosing a pair of jeans?

Q: What percentage of the contestants use the word "international" in their bios?
A: 50%

Q: In what percentage of the countries of the world, on average, would these "celebrities" be recognized?
A: 0.006%

Q: Is Coolio involved?
A: Of course.

Q: What is the predicted number of "munchies" jokes that will be made relating to Cheech Marin's presence, in the premier alone?
A: Our statisticians attempted to answer this question, but were forced to suspend their calculations when the computer they were using became suicidal.

Q: Which of the contenders includes in her bio the least impressive blow for gender equality ever made?
A: That would be onetime-Olympian-who-no-one-has-really heard of Summer Sanders, for this gem: "...becoming the first female game-show host on Nickelodeon by hosting Figure It Out..."

Q: How many of the contestants have starred in a direct-to-video movie about killer mutant bats?
A: One.

Q: Do any of the "charities" supported by the contestants seem to be transparent attempts by a once-famous performer to supplement his income?
A: "Joey Fatone will be playing for the Fatone Family Foundation. "All the money that we gather from different events and stuff that we do throughout the year we distribute to different children's charities.""

Q: He could actually be giving the money away.
A: True.

Q: But it does kind of sound like the "charity" is just his name on a bank account.
A: Charity begins at home.

Q: Is there now or has there ever been a human being more annoying than Guy Fieri?
A: Hard to say.

*I saw an ad for it last night.
**That, and cookies.

Friday, December 09, 2011

Shoefinder: Holiday Edition

Going to a holiday party this year? You're going to need some shoes. That's where I come in.

For the giant family gathering where you will spend most of the time chasing tiny nieces and nephews around the living room with a nerf gun, because you want them to revere you as the awesome aunt who is both fun and glamorous:
Vera Wang Lavender flats
If your sister-in-law gets annoyed, just point out that she could have fabulous shoes too, if she wasn't spending all her money on child-rearing. Then smile and say you hope they like the drum set.

For the gathering of high school friends/enemies you haven't seen in years, who may or may not still think of you primarily as the person who once slipped on a cafeteria tray and toppled six tables, domino-style, before coming to rest on a freshman (who was a good sport about it, considering):
Loeffler Randall "Zuri"
Fun and festive without trying too hard-- because even though everything else about you has changed, you still don't want people to think you care that much.

For a company party in a hotel ballroom, where everyone stands around talking about whether you'll get acquired and tries not to drink so much that the dance floor starts to sound like a good idea:
Salvatore Ferragamo "Davina"

They say, "I am restrained and professional, and also awesome. Plus, I have very good balance."

For a work party in the company cafeteria, where too much awesomeness would look out of place and you'd rather just be comfortable:
Sofft "Noral"
These are to the previous as Martinelli's sparkling apple juice is to champagne: Nowhere near as glamorous or fun, but sweeter and less likely to leave you feeling painful in the morning.

Thursday, December 08, 2011

"What if I'm asked to take part in a beach assault with the Royal Marines?"

It's the first question* on anyone's mind when faced with the job of choosing a small hatchback. Fortunately, when the fine people at Top Gear do a road test, they do a road test.

*Followed closely by "What if I go to a shopping center** and get chased by baddies in a Corvette?
**Spelling adjusted for regional differences.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Shoesday: Let's Party

I really need to recharge my camera battery and stop using my cell phone for these.

In preparation for the holiday-shoes-you-should-buy-and-tell-me-about post I am planning for later in this week, I thought I'd share some party-ready boots of my own. These are Sigerson Morrison, from my recent, largely successful quest to buy up all of the shoes that were produced by the original owners/designers, before one of my favorite brands becomes an offshoot of Guess, black suede with handy belts to keep their shoe-pants from falling down. I admit they do not exactly scream "fancy holiday party"*, but that's okay because no one ever invites me to fancy holiday parties anyway.** But with sufficient application of imagination and/or eggnog, I think you could see these as Santa boots, if Santa joined a biker gang and developed an affinity for four-inch heels. And if that's not a party, then I don't know what is.

*Which is good, because that would be awkward in elevators.

Friday, December 02, 2011

You Payed What? Manly Gift Edition

Because the Ugly Things For Rich People posts aren't really supposed to be about stuff that is just expensive*, but there are some items that are too stupid to not make fun of on the internet.**

Shipley & Halmos "beer sleeve," $2.50 for 6
By far the cheapest item I have ever posted, and yet, in its own way, the most insidiously stupid. Because yes, it is moderately amusing (the joke, if you can't read the printing, is that it is a paper bag with detailed instructions for wrapping it around a bottle of beer). And as gag gift prices go, two-fifty is not exactly breaking the bank. But that's not the point. The point is that because Shipley & Halmos is a fancy clothes designer, they are able to take some paper bags, print something moderately amusing on them, and sell them at a 30-fold markup. Because now they're fashion!

Best Made axe, $300
 This entire shop seems to be aimed at people who have either never heard of a hardware store, or are too afraid to go in them. Is shop class really that traumatic? Look, I am sure that this is a fine axe, just as I am equally sure that it is not 7.9 times better than this axe, which comes highly recommended by people who have actually used it to chop things. Of course, the sellers would argue that you just have to pay more for fine American craftsmanship than for imports from cheaper foreign countries. You know, like Finland.

*I try. I do not always succeed.
**It's the internet. That's what it's for.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Did You Hear That?

I'm not saying it's one of those kind of days when strange things come wandering out of the mist.
Then again, I'm not saying it isn't.

You Can Go With This, Or You Can Go With That

And now, for your Tuesday viewing pleasure, some sparkling shoes for the holidays.



Big pile of no:

Saturday, November 26, 2011

A Hundred Acres of Shadows

(Inspired by a true story. Loosely. With thanks to @bmahersciwriter and Captain Morgan.)

The bear lowered his rotund form into the chair and contemplated his guests.
"Well, gentlemen, I think you know why I've brought you here."
As they protested their ignorance, he slid a stoneware jar across the table and pointed to the label.
"Do you know what that says?"
The rabbit was the first to assay an answer.
"Um, well, it's supposed to be 'honey' but it's not spelled--"
"That's right, honey. And do you know what is actually in that jar? Or, rather, what isn't?" He held up a paw before they could respond. "Never mind, I'm sure you do. I'm sure you are aware that when the boys in my lab ran some basic tests on this alleged top-quality domestic honey you were so good to provide for me, they found that all of the pollen had mysteriously vanished from it."
"There must be some mistake," the owl protested weakly.
"Oh, a mistake?" The bear turned to the small pig who had been sitting in silence to his right
"Mr. Let, these gentlemen think that your boys made a mistake. Do you think that is possible?".
The pig shook his head slowly. "Never. Not a chance."
"Well, there you have it," said the bear. "I have to say, gentlemen, I am very disappointed in you. I have been running this operation under the name of Saunders," he indicated the sign over his head. "For many years now, and never before has this good name been sullied in any way. And now you have put me in the very uncomfortable position of having sold counterfeit Chinese honey to my valued customers."
"I assure you," said the owl. "We would never have--"
"Do you know what the Chinese do to their honey?" the bear went on, unheeding. "They water it down. Replace it with beet sugar, high fructose corn syrup. They let it get contaminated with antibiotics."
"Over in that room," he said, pointing to an interior door. "There is a baby kangaroo in the throes of a serious allergic reaction. He'll live, thanks to my doctors, but his mother is understandably concerned. Have you ever been kicked by an angry female kangaroo, gentlemen? No? Well, I wouldn't recommend it."
The pair on the other side of the desk looked at each other, then around the room for possible means of escape. But there was only one exit to the outside, and the bouncer was blocking it, poised to spring.
"We had no idea," the rabbit pleaded. "We were operating on good faith, I swear."
"Of course you were," the bear soothed. "Why wouldn't you be? Why would anyone take a cheap product and sell it at an incredible markup by claiming it was something else?"
"No," he said, shaking his head. "Of course I believe you. My friend here," he pointed to the donkey at his left. "He always sees the worst in everything, but I believe in fair play."
The bear stood up.
"My friends here are going to take you down to the footbridge over the creek. It would be a good idea for you to go with them quietly. When you get to the bridge, you are both going to jump off on the upstream side. One of you will come out the other side first. And the other one. . . won't."

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Ugly Gifts for Rich People

As Black Friday closes in on us, let's take a moment to reflect on what the more fortunate, and less intelligent, among us are going to have their employees wrapping for them this year.
Gucci hat, $325
"Merry Christmas honey! I think you're a total douchebag."

Maison Frances Kurkdjian bubbles 1.5 oz, $20
Oh for the love of god. Listen, crazy rich people, I am going to try to explain this in a simple enough way that even you can understand: Children do not care about fancy bubbles. They are not interested in the fact that you spent as much on this as twelve bottles of regular bubbles would cost, or that they have delightful notes of fresh cut herbs. In fact, no child has even been interested in any sort of bubbles for more than seven minutes, so you might as well just give up and go buy accessories for your dog.

Jay Strongwater box, $1,400
"Oh, um wow. Thank you."
"It's a toad!"
"Yes, yes I see that."
"And it's also a box! See you can open its back and put something small in it. Like, maybe some toothpicks."
"Yes, it's very useful. And, um, sparkly."
"I knew you'd like it! It was very expensive."

David Yurman bracelet, $595
Things to ask yourself when buying a gift of jewelry for a man:
Is this something he could get for twelve dollars from a vendor on Telegraph Avenue?
Will wearing it make him look like his development arrested at seventeen years old?
Does it cost nearly six hundred dollars?
If the answer to two or more of these questions is yes, put away your credit card and go drink rum toddies until the feeling passes.

Ralph Lauren trinket tray, $250
Because nothing says 'powerful executive' like a tiny silver toilet seat on your desk.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Egrets, I've Had a Few

Some things look a lot more impressive before you take a picture of them.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Shoesday: Back Down to Earth(keepers)

(Note on the post title: When I started writing this, I thought these shoes were from Timberland's Earthkeepers collection. They're not, but I forgot to change the title before I posted it. These things happen.)
After last week's flight of fanciness, I thought it would be a good idea to get back to something a little more practical, and less likely to have a bunch of twenty-somethings setting up tents on my doormat.* These are Timberland's "Brattle Hiker," whatever that means** purchased in a surprising burst of sanity and worn on days when I know standing and walking are going to feature heavily in my activities. They're lightweight and waterproof and they might not have salespeople falling over themselves to serve me, but I did run about half a mile from the auto shop to the San Francisco Caltrain station on the first day I wore them, without hurting myself or missing my train. So I guess that's a good metric for shoe quality too.

*Ha! We don't have doormat.
**I suppose I ought to hike in them at some point.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Since You Asked: Dear Lucky

The following is an actual question from a reader that appeared in this month's Lucky magazine. I thought I'd help out by answering it for them.

Q: So, I just turned 25 and I still have no wrinkles (phew!), but I want to do the best thing for my face to prevent aging. I already wear SPF every day, but I never know what kind of face creams to buy specifically for antiaging. Should I be wearing anti-wrinkle cream, or will wearing it too soon make my skin immune to it in the future?

Dear Person,

I will be happy to answer your question, but first I have to go slam my head in the freezer door a few times. Be right back.
Okay! Right, where were we? Oh yes, your question. Well, as happy as I am for you that you have managed to avoid developing wrinkles at the ripe old age of 25, and that you are taking measures to avoid excessive sun exposure-- that can increase your risk of skin cancer, which some people actually consider to be worse-- I am afraid that there is one key beauty tip you've missed out on. This may come as a shock to you, but the truth is that being a shallow, image-obsessed moron who is so deeply insecure that she is panicking about wrinkles when she is barely out of her teens is even less attractive than someone who might have a couple of lines on her face. For your situation, I would recommend developing a self-image that is not completely dependent on the appeal of your youth, and maybe taking up a hobby. I understand that decoupage can be very soothing.

As far as the second part of your question goes, I am afraid I am not going to be able to answer that in any useful way because it depends on a) the idea that anti-wrinkle creams have any efficacy whatsoever and b) an understanding of the concept of immunity that is so poor that any explanation I attempted would simply bounce off your incomprehension, like pennies off your inevitable facelift. So, in short: No.

All the Best,

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Recipes For the Lazy and Incompetent: Sausage with Cabbage and Chard

New feature! Why should competent cooks be the only ones who share their recipes? I have the culinary abilities of a drunk five-year-old who somehow got into the kitchen knives, and the way I figure it, if I can manage to prepare a dish on a regular basis, then anyone should be able to do it. (Fair warning: My devotion to prepared ingredients makes Sandra Lee look like Alice Waters. But what I lack in authenticity, I make up for in pictures.)

So, Sausage with Cabbage and Chard

First, you'll need some sausages. (Chicken-apple in this case.)

Also, some cabbage, chopped smallish.

That's not a knife.

This is a knife.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Shoesday: The Everyday Louboutins

Let's talk about secret weapons.

Actually, scratch that. A secret weapon is only useful if you actually use it, and that can get messy. So let's talk about weapons everybody knows you have, which are a lot more fun. Also, let's acknowledge that what we're really talking about are shoes.

Recently, I had a fancy-shoe epiphany*. In a moment of clarity, I realized that, as fun as it is to have beautiful, expensive dress shoes, you** just don't have that many opportunities to wear them. So you end up inventing excuses for overdressing, culminating in the time you show up at work wearing a hat, because you just bought a hat*** and you are suddenly aware that you have no idea where to wear it.

What I'm saying is, fancy shoes are even better for everyday wear. Yes, they are expensive, even if you buy them on sale in Las Vegas and only briefly freak out that someone has stolen your credit card, when in fact you dropped it at the last store, but the price per use is going to be much better than if you spent less on something sparkly. (Not that I have anything against things that are sparkly.) Also, if you have shopped wisely, they should be well-made and nicely balanced, making them relatively comfortable for the heel height. At least these are.

But really, let's not kid ourselves. This post is not about quality craftsmanship or value for money. It is about going out to lunch and having someone recognize you by the soles of your shoes, and it is about walking into any store you choose and getting exactly zero crap from the salespeople, even if you are clearly just browsing to kill time. And it is about feeling like you are fabulous even if the rest of your outfit is from Target, because you know it's true.

We are living in a material world, and I am damn good at it.

*Are there other kinds? I hadn't noticed.
***Actually, three.

Rebel Yell

Take that, Authority!

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Ugly Things for Rich People: Accessories Edition

It's the accessories that make an outfit. These accessories make an outfit stupid.

Marc Jacobs gloves, $850
I'm not generally a person who will get all frothing-at-the-mouth-y about wearing fur, but honestly: Some poor animal died so that you could go out in public wearing fuzzy fingerless boxing gloves and that render your hands totally useless. I hope you sent some nice flowers to its family.

(See also.)

Benoit Missolin headband, $195
Handy tip: If you are a wealthy older man and your new wife just purchased this on the credit card you gave her, all of your friends are laughing at you behind your back.

DSquared2 scarf, $165

Dolce & Gabbana scarf, $155
This is going to be the primary enduring legacy of the Occupy Wall Street movement, isn't it? The appearance of wealth will become so unfashionable that even people who think nothing of spending over a hundred dollars on a trendy scarf will want one that looks like they stole it off a hobo.

Junya Watanabe scarf, $1,460
I do understand that there are places where "winter cold" means something more than "hey, I can see my breath!" However, I refuse to believe there is any ambient temperature that justifies going out looking like you are in the process of springing fully-formed from the Cookie Monster's skull.

Guiseppe Zanotti sleeves, $245
Are you bothered that so many items of clothing do not come with rhinestone-embellished sleeves? Do your shoulders get unbearably hot while the rest of your arms remain freezing? Do you feel like there is a certain amount of Elvis missing in your life? Will you buy absolutely anything if it's on sale?

Well, have I got a product for you.

Undercover pouch, $435
Yes, I know, the pop art movement was very modern sixty years ago. But don't you think it's time you stopped pretending this sort of thing is 'edgy' or 'artistic' or a commentary on anything, and admit you just spent four hundred dollars for a piece of plastic with a picture of a cookie package on it? The world would be a better place.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Crime Scene at My Fingertips

I'm not a big Halloween person (Except for the candy. I am definitely a big candy person.), but I came across this nail-polish tutorial and decided to give it a try. I think it turned out pretty well-- the only downside is that occasionally I will be eating something and be briefly freaked out by my nails, before I remember that I painted them that way.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Black and White and Noir All Over

Penguins: The enlightened suburbanites of the animal world. Community-oriented and conservatively dressed, they moved to a dull, out-of-the-way, but safe, neighborhood for the sake of their children, and the parents take turns commuting to fish. But could there be a dark side to this domestic simplicity? A criminal element lurking in their midst, spoiling a perfect day like a rotting haddock?

Yes. Yes, there could.

(video via The Proceedings of the Ever So Strange)

In fact, I think I feel a new literary genre coming on.

I looked across the hoard and gave a low whistle through my beak. Hundreds of pebbles, probably some of the best in Antarctica, all packed together in one crevice. No penguin had gathered these on his own. We were looking at the results of the biggest organized pebble heist the colony had ever seen.

Tuxedo Joey was defiant.

"I don't know nothin' and you can't prove it," he said. "Everything was like this when I found it."

I looked him over. Joey Tux (as what passed for his friends called him) was a born liar, but this time I believed him. His nests were some of the worst on the ice shelf.

"Fine," I said. "They're not yours. So whose are they?"

"Excuse me," said a soft voice from behind my left shoulder. "I hope I'm not interrupting here."
Joey's eyes went wide and I turned around to look.

She was a female, back early from the hunting grounds, lush and full of fish. Probably the most gorgeous chick I had ever seen, with her sharp orange beak, bright beady eyes and a snow-white belly that curved like the smoothest pebble in the world.

She was as beautiful as a herring and as dangerous as a fur seal.

"Hello, big boy," she said in a sultry chirp. "Nice rocks."

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Thurscheese: Pierce Point

Pierce Point cheese from Cowgirl Creamery

Confession: I did not take this picture. I know this is not the kind of intellectual honesty you have come to expect from this blog, but I think it's time we all lowered our standards a bit. Don't you?

Anyway, one thing that does not have low standards is this cheese. (Transition! I think that went pretty smoothly.) If you had suggested to me that it might be a good idea to take a soft cow's-milk cheese and slap some herbs and flowers on it, I would have smiled kindly and ask who had been mixing your drinks, but the truth is that it really works. It helps that the cheese itself is quite mild, and so are the herbs, so the effect is less a mouthful of greenery than a breath of spring air in a meadow, but without the cow poop. Kind of the same way a good oyster gives you the sensation of tasting the sea in a way that's very different from getting a mouthful of salt water.

Assuming nobody stops me, this is going on the cheese table for the wedding.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Open Letters to Stupid People, Part 3: Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA

Dear Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA,

I suppose, given that I have already received interesting information on other people's tax returns and loan documents, it was only a matter of time before someone who didn't care to share their actual email address would use mine for a docusign document relating to their car insurance. Still, I find it rather insensitive of you, Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA, that you would let a total stranger know that you wish to exclude Jaskaran Singh from your policy. After all, Dalbir Singh of 6022 Marshall Ave, Buena Park CA, that kind of information might be somewhat embarrassing for a person, and it isn't the kind of thing you would want to broadcast to just anyone.

The Person Whose Email Address You Have Been Using

p.s. I declined to sign the document.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Thurscheese: Tiny brie!

Trader Joe's is a wonderous place, isn't it? Even stupid impulse buys made in a moment of hunger-driven idiocy can turn out well there. Take this, for example.* If person is shopping for frozen lunches on an empty stomach comes across a bag a of individually packed little cups labeled "brie" and buys them because she thinks that sounds like fun and it gives her an excuse to buy crackers, what she deserves to get is some sort of texture-adjusted processed cheese food product that has been flavored according to what a focus group in Chino thinks brie ought to taste like. No reasonable person would expect to get actual tiny rounds of cheese, but that seems to be what has happened here. And they are delicious.

And just in case you think I'm making this whole thing up and that picture is actually of a regular-sized round of brie and a really large plastic knife, I give you this final proof:

I hope that's settled, then.

*Actually, you can't, because I already ate it.

Friday, October 07, 2011

Ugly Clothes For Rich People: Menswear Edition

Conclusive proof that having only one X-chromosome is not sufficient to prevent a person from dressing like an idiot.

DSquared2 Cardigan, $765

Layer under a denim jacket to look both stupid and redundant!

Libertine t-shirt, $150
I realize it's some sort of guy thing to wear items of clothing until long after they have developed significant holes in them, but this seems like it's taking things a bit too far.

Veronique Branquinho overalls, $770
The manly style of auto-shop coveralls and the flattering comfort of shorts, together at last!

Neil Barrett vest, $355
"Hey, Chauncy, have you seen the front section of that double-breasted jacket I was working on? I left it right here, next to that pile of things you were going to send to the factory for production, and now I can't find it."

Comme des Garcons dickey, $240
We don't make the shirt. We make the strip of frilly fabric you attach to the shirt. And then we charge you $240 for it.

Ann Demeulemeester jacket, $870
"Oh, honey, that looks so cute on you! Hold still so I can take a picture to send to your Aunt Ann to show her how much you like the jacket she made. Smile!"

Maison Martin Margiela jacket, $1490
What we have here is a demonstration the limitations of the average menswear model. Clearly, this jacket was meant to be worn by the MC for an off-Strip Vegas lounge show, or the guy who tells people on The Price Is Right to come on down.

Yohji Yamamoto coat, $4340
Perfect for that all-important first dinner with her parents!

Balmain t-shirt, $525
I generally try not to list things simply based on price, but honestly, why would you spend more than five hundred dollars on this shirt when you could have this one for a fraction of the cost?

Greg Lauren jacket, $2485
"Dude, seriously, you need to get a new jacket. That thing is embarrassing." "No, it's cool, I just bought this." "You did? What happened to it?" "Nothing happened. It came like this." ". . . Dude, seriously, you need to get a new jacket."