Stop the Presses

In the years I have been writing this blog, I have seen a lot of things. Stupid things. Expensive things. Stupid, expensive things. But what I have for you today may be the pinnacle, the ne plus ultra of overpriced idiocy:

It's by Jimmy Choo.

It's made of regular leather embossed to look like snakeskin.

It costs $115.

On sale.

A Brief Conversation, Internal, About A Candle

Me, busy* at work:


"Why is Net-A-Porter selling a rubber band ball?"

"Wait, it's a candle? Okay, that's kind of cool."

Missoni candle

"$283.50? For a candle?"

"On sale?!"

". . ."

". . ."

". . ."


*Very busy.

The Why-Files

Is clear plastic really that expensive?
Outreach to the partial-foot-amputee community?
Someone in the marketing department has a crippling fear of toes?
Proactive recruiting at the Home for Disabled Mannequins?
Final, definitive evidence that the fashion industry is run by aliens who do not fully understand the construction of the human body?

Frankly, I'm stumped.

Stupid Kitchen Implements Part 2

Handy lesson from last weekend: Sur la Table is a very entertaining store, but they have slightly too many employees on their floor to be able to comfortably point at things and declare "What kind of idiot would buy THAT?" while laughing.

Fortunately, they have a website.

Tuna Drainer, $3.95

How to drain canned tuna:

1. With a can opener, open lid almost all the way around.
2. Use your fingers to hold lid against tuna as you drain the liquid into the sink.
3. Lift lid and remove tuna.
4. Do not spend actual money on yet another pointless piece of plastic to perform a trivial task, you !^$*%#&%% moron.

Chili Pepper rack, $19.95

Asparagus clips, $14.95

Did it ever occur to you that there might be some items that are not meant to be cooked on a grill?


And the winner, for the overall title of Stupidest Thing Found at Sur la Table:

Pizza Cone kit, $24.95

Who wants this? Who, in the entire fullness of space and time has ever said, "Hey, pizza is great, but I really wish it came in a cone."? Or thinks the issue with pizza is that you simply can not use it to cram enough calories into your body at a time? Wouldn't it be more efficient to inject the fat directly under your skin? Is there any way this is not going to be a soggy, drippy mess in under thirty seconds? So many questions, so little inclination to care.

Plus, don't forget your pizza cone stand liners! (Sold separately.)

You Can Go With This, Or You Can Go With That

And now, for your Tuesday viewing pleasure, some sparkling shoes for the holidays.

High:

Low:

Big pile of no:

A Dating Site Even a Führer Could Love

I'm in a generous mood today, so I'm going to go ahead and assume the principle behind this website is merely another of the seemingly endless stream of increasingly-desperate social networking gimmicks, and not a statement of the belief that relationships only work when they are ethnically pure. Because I guess I can imagine the situation where you have a piece of photo-matching software and want to use it to start a business, and you remember that CSI episode where they said people are attracted to other people who look like them*, and it seems like a really great idea to declare that happy relationships come from people who look alike. And maybe it just never occurs to you to think about what the converse of that statement is: That people who do not look like each other will not be happy in their relationship. And that the world's leading cause of people not looking like each other is being from different ethnic backgrounds. Which is where it starts to get kind of problematic, for me.

On the other hand, if you want to maximize your potential for inbreeding and you don't like any of your cousins, I say go for it.


*It was in the first or second season, I think, the one with the little people.

Great Moments In Marketing Idiocy

Sometimes you come across a new product that is so apt, so perfect in its service to the market, that you marvel that it hadn't been invented earlier. And sometimes you see an ad for designer patterned maxi pads.

Insane? Yes. But bear in mind, it could be worse.

Ugly Clothes For Rich People, Part I

Everyone knows that it's better to be rich. It's the money, mostly, plus never having to worry about being any good at your job or what you're going to do if the car doesn't stop making that noise. But it isn't all champagne on the patio and summers in St. Moritz. No, there are hazards to being a rich person, and one is to run the risk of looking very stupid.

You see, rich people go to designers for their clothes, because that's how other rich people can spot them at a distance, and the designers both love and hate them. They love them because the rich are the source of all their money that doesn't come from perfume-licensing deals, and because they let them swan around and act like artists for having produced a pair of pants. But they hate them because designers must spend a significant portion of their working lives living on off-brand ramen and discount vodka, and they have some built-up resentment to work through.

And so sometimes, in the dark of night, they come up with fantastically hideous, stupid clothes that they can sell to those rich people who have never known what it's like to live in a converted closet in an eighth-floor walkup with seven roommates, at least three of whom are sleeping together and/or fighting with each other at any given time, so that, as they count the money from the sale, they think of those wealthy losers walking down the street in their creations and ever-so-softly giggle.

These are some of those clothes.*

Tao Comme des Garcons top, $419

When I have a cold, the floor next to my bed looks just like this.

Maison Martin Margiela vest, $1,190

Fifty bucks says the "design process" for this item was the designer strapping a car seat-cover to his chest and high-fiving an assistant.

Viktor & Rolf dress, $787.50

Just because you don't know how to make a shirt, it doesn't mean you get to sell it as a dress.

Alexander Wang knit and denim jacket, $750

My favorite thing about this is how the model is clearly wondering how her life got to this point.

DSquared2 jacket, $769

Or you could just carry a purse.



*As a matter of fact, I found so many examples that I couldn't fit them all into one post. So look for more of these over the next few weeks, unless I get lazy and forget.**
**It could happen.

Thurscheese Fashion Report

I love cheese. I love clothes. I do not think these are things that should go together.

Although, I have to admit that I appreciate the efficiency of having the hostess and the appetizer tray as an all-in-one deal.

When Bad Marketing Happens to Good Shoes

As I may have mentioned here, I am at the moment completely in love with Timberland's line of women's casual shoes*, a fact which will become even more clear on Shoesdays to come. Because, seriously, what's not to love? Sturdy, comfortable, nice to look at and (as far as I can tell) reasonably waterproof. Price-wise they aren't exactly cheap, but they're not what I'd call that expensive, and they have good sales (see below).

One thing they don't have is very good website design, which is why it took me until now to stumble across this section. Which is slightly more expensive than their regular offerings, but all very appealing and wearable and lovely. So it's great, until you get to the marketing description of these shoes:

The Lucille collection reflects the women of the Industrial Age, with premium, enduring materials and skillful construction and stitching that's practical and rugged yet feminine. Authentic and unique styling is reminiscent of years when women depended on their footwear as much as their country depended on them, but the addition of canvas details and lighter overall designs reflect summertime adventures away from the factory floor.

Ah yes, those halcyon days for women working at the dawn of the Industrial Revolution. The satisfaction of twenty-hour days! The thrilling danger of dying when the factory catches fire and all the doors are locked to keep you in! The shoes!

Yeah, not so much.


*At the moment I am trying to decide if I would rather get these or these during the current 40% off sale on their website**, assuming I could come up with a way to justify the purchase of either of them.
**Code: BFF11. Don't say I never do anything for you.

Um, Okay

I guess that's one way to get guys to notice your shoes.

Good Idea, Bad Idea: Personalization Edition

Elegant: Monogrammed Stationary

Not Elegant: Monogrammed Rain Boots

Handy general rule: If it's something you would do to your kids' shoes to keep them from losing them, it probably isn't something you should be buying for yourself.

(Also: "Bob?")

What A Difference a Label Makes

Baja hoodie from Mexican Threads: $29.99

Baja hoodie from Proenza Schouler: $1500

Looking like a broke stoner for the price of a 1997 Grand Cherokee: Priceless. Brain-thumpingly idiotic.

From the Department of Warning Signs

If you at any point find yourself shopping for a Valentine's Day gift for your dog, it's time to step back and take a really serious look at the direction your life has taken.

Just no.

I mean it. No.

A Product and A Problem

Product:

The Juicy Couture Rubik's Cube:

Problem:

Best Part: The Use of "Alluring" in the Description

Do you ever think "I love my Uggs, but I just don't feel like they make me look stumpy enough."? Well, why not try an over-the-knee style, for that "hooker in her pjs" look?

At only six-hundred and thirty dollars, how can you possibly resist?

Your Feet Are Not Ugly

This is a bit of a departure for me, but after reading this article in the Wall Street Journal (Go read it. I'll wait. Done? Good.) I feel the need to comment. One might assume from everything I've said here that I believe the wearing of fancy shoes is the be-all and end-all of female existence, and the ability to do so is worth any sacrifice. Which is a reasonable assumption, but it is wrong. I love shoes, and I will put up with a certain amount of discomfort to wear the shoes I love, but there is some distance between "put up with some discomfort" and "surgically alter my feet." A lot of distance, actually.

Does it really need to be said that this is madness? If a pair of shoes doesn't fit you, then the problem is that the shoes are not right for you, not that your feet are somehow defective. There are lots of shoes in the world; there are even people who will make them custom fitted just for you, which costs a lot of money, but a heck of a lot less than having your own personal bones removed for the sake of someone else's designs. There is not a "right" way for feet to be, aside from being functional at holding you upright and allowing you to move under your own steam.

In truth, feet are not generally very attractive things*. And that's okay. They're feet, they're supposed to look like that. They have lumpy bits, and toes of different lengths, and arches that come in a variety of heights, and you get what you get and then you work with it. (I, for example, have a sort of bony protrusion on both my heels that can lead to blistering, particularly in flats. So I tend to buy things a half size up and add heel liners to the back, which takes care of the problem nicely.) What you do not do is let random strangers determine what shape they are supposed to be, and then go and get yourself surgically altered to fit into this imaginary idea of correctness.

Really, your feet look fine. Trust me.


*Which is why I will never be able to endorse these, no matter how comfortable and evolutionarily appropriate people insist they are.

"Subtle" Is Not the First Word That Springs To Mind Here

This product was brought to my attention by Karen, in an email titled "painfully blogworthy":

What makes it great is not so much the product itself (helpful hint: do not try to visualize how their claims that works on any underwear, "even thongs" can be true), it's the fact that 94% of customers would recommend it to a friend. Which I thought was just an expression of their faith in the product, and not an indication of how they interact with the people they know, until I read this review:

"Everyone I gave this too loved it! It's the most unique gift I've found in years. Not one person had ever received one before."

"Which was surprising to me, because I thought a lot of people would have publicly commented to them about their tendency to emit noxious odors!"

(Dear 'Deb',
It's not so much that they like this as a gift; they're just grateful that you've stopped giving them these.
Sincerely, Me)


Bonus!: On the same page we have a link to this lovely item, perfect for those people who would rather go around looking like every shirt they own has a trim of cheap lace around the bottom than buy pants that actually fit.

For People Unclear On the Concept of "Dog"

I give you dog fragrance:

Only $65 to tell the world, "Aren't you glad I have this instead of a child?"