Celebrity Cook-Off: Your Burning Questions Answered

It has recently come to the world's attention* that Food Network is planning to debut a new show, hosted by Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri, in which D-H level celebrities compete to see who can get the most screen time while preparing food. Naturally, you have some questions that need to be answered, and that's what I'm here for.**

Q: A show that combines the premises of "Dancing with the Stars" and "Top Chef?" Why hasn't this been made before now?
A: We believe that the program was actually created in 2007 and was accidentally transported to our time when someone dropped a sandwich on the Large Hadron Collider. The downside is that we think the Higgs boson went the other way, and now has a development deal with SoapNet.

Q: Could you use a photo of the hosts to illustrate every element a woman should avoid when choosing a pair of jeans?
A:

Q: What percentage of the contestants use the word "international" in their bios?
A: 50%

Q: In what percentage of the countries of the world, on average, would these "celebrities" be recognized?
A: 0.006%

Q: Is Coolio involved?
A: Of course.

Q: What is the predicted number of "munchies" jokes that will be made relating to Cheech Marin's presence, in the premier alone?
A: Our statisticians attempted to answer this question, but were forced to suspend their calculations when the computer they were using became suicidal.

Q: Which of the contenders includes in her bio the least impressive blow for gender equality ever made?
A: That would be onetime-Olympian-who-no-one-has-really heard of Summer Sanders, for this gem: "...becoming the first female game-show host on Nickelodeon by hosting Figure It Out..."


Q: How many of the contestants have starred in a direct-to-video movie about killer mutant bats?
A: One.

Q: Do any of the "charities" supported by the contestants seem to be transparent attempts by a once-famous performer to supplement his income?
A: "Joey Fatone will be playing for the Fatone Family Foundation. "All the money that we gather from different events and stuff that we do throughout the year we distribute to different children's charities.""

Q: He could actually be giving the money away.
A: True.

Q: But it does kind of sound like the "charity" is just his name on a bank account.
A: Charity begins at home.

Q: Is there now or has there ever been a human being more annoying than Guy Fieri?
A: Hard to say.


*I saw an ad for it last night.
**That, and cookies.

Top Gear's Take Your Car to Work Day

 From the intensely amusing British car show Top Gear (Now on Netflix streaming!), a trip to work in the world's smallest car. I saw this two days ago and it's still making me giggle at random intervals. Particularly at the part where he drives past the newscast.



Astonishing!

Thurscheese: Brillat Savarin

Tell Me What You Eat and I'll Tell You That It's Cheese.

I'm not sure if I should be feeling pleased with myself or cheated, but I've had this cheese before. It showed up on a cheese plate at a restaurant a few years ago, and I liked it enough to remember the name and find it in the store. Actually, remembering the name was the easy part, because I was already familiar with it. Brillat Savarin was a French lawyer, essayist and gastronome and, more to the point, he was prominently quoted in the opening of every episode of the original, Japanese, Iron Chef, with which I developed a long-running and only somewhat ironic obsession with in the early 2000s*. I even threw an Iron-Chef-themed party at one point, during which I burned my hand trying to cook satay on the barbecue grill.

Which brings me to the really important news: Don't tell the cable company, but we have somehow gotten a free upgrade to the better cable package, which includes, among other things, The Cooking Channel, which appears to be basically the Food Network before they discovered reality shows and they show the old Iron Chef episodes. So I am reintroducing myself to those simpler times, not to mention the wide wonderful world of premium cable that has suddenly become available.**

Oh, and also we had some cheese. I recommend it.


*It is one of the great failures of our times that we never managed to come up with a decent nickname for that decade.
**BBCAmerica! Which shows Star Trek: The Next Generation reruns in primetime for some reason! But also Top Gear, so all is forgiven.

The Most Unlikely Thing to Come Out of a Cruise Vacation

And if not, it's right up there.

I think I mentioned that the cruise that Cameron and I went on last month was a little on the rainy side. Which hardly ruined it, but it did limit us from participating in some of the more standard cruise activities, like sitting out in the sun and trying to avoid being dragged into "hilarious" on-deck activities. And since the room we had was very nice and quite comfortable, with an interesting if rather eccentric selection of TV channels, we ended up spending some of our time just hanging out there. Which is how we happened to come across this documentary, about Ruth Berg, the creator and star of a seminal radio play and sitcom I had never heard of, called The Goldbergs. Which was all very interesting in and of itself, but what really stuck with me was the mention of the fact that she had written and published a cookbook, purportedly by her character, Molly Goldberg, and I ended up wondering how I could find a copy of it. I figured it would take a hunt on Ebay, or at least through some possibly sketchy Amazon reseller, but no, as a matter of fact, it's still in print.

I'm going to get a copy as soon as I have enough items for free shipping.

Emmy Awards Opening Number

The Emmys were, in general, so boring that even though I was stuck on a plane with a limited number of channels and nowhere else to go, I still ended up watching people race food trucks instead, but this opening number, featuring pretty much everyone on TV, is fantastic and you really have to watch it before they pull it off YouTube:

Mad Men Without the Angst

Everybody*, it seems, loves Mad Men. And what's not to love? Attractive people! Glamor! Smoking! Attractive people smoking glamorously! The only problem is, to get to all the pretty stuff, you have to go through big heaping piles of angst which, frankly, sucks a lot of the fun out of it. Therefore, I present to you Season 1 of Mad Men, de-angstified for your enjoyment.

(By the way, if you haven't already, you really should check out the TLo Mad Style posts, for gorgeous screenshots and everything you didn't know you didn't know about costume design and sixties fashion.)


Episode 1:

It's a bright new day at the ad agency, where ad executive Don Draper has just learned that they will no longer be able to promote cigarettes as healthy, given the mounting data to the contrary. Everyone agrees that would be a horrible thing to do anyway. Young executive Pete gets off the phone with his fiancee, and everyone wishes him the best. New secretarial hire Peggy is given a tour around the office, where she is greeted with respect as a professional. Don meets with a female client and listens to her ideas with interest, then offers some helpful suggestions of his own.

After work, Pete goes out for a few drinks with his coworkers to celebrate his engagement, but they decide not to go to a strip club. On his way home, he stops at Peggy's apartment to congratulate her on a good first day at work, then leaves.

At the end of the episode we meet Don's wife, Betty, who he has not been cheating on at all.

For Everyone Who Saw the New Star Trek Movie and Thought "This Would Be Better With Florida Tourists Playing Key Roles"

Have I got a show for you.

What Not To Sell

What Not To Wear, the show that makes its stock in trade throwing away people's obnoxious "humorous" t-shirts, has a website that sells obnoxious "humorous" t-shirts.

Reality Shows On Which Tiger Woods's Mistresses Are Likely To Appear*, In Order Of Decreasing Probability

1. Cheaters (duh)
2. Rock of Love Bus
3. Jersey Shore
4. Tool Academy
5. The Bachelor
6. The Real Housewives of Orange County/New York/D.C./Atlanta/the parking lot behind the Waffle House
7. Celebrity Apprentice
8. Celebrity Fit Club
9. Celebrity Rehab
10. Dancing With the Stars
11. Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?
12. Dirty Jobs
13. Hoarders
14. The Ultimate Fighter
15. Top Chef
16. Little People, Big World
17. Swamp Loggers
18. Nova


*It is entirely possible that some of them have already been on one or all of these; I really haven't been keeping track.

When Guys Shop

Fun fact about me: I have no ability to estimate the actual size of a thing based on the dimensions. This has led to certain problems, specifically in the area of buying earrings online. (Honestly, why do they make those things so huge? Do they think we have steel-reinforced earlobes?) So it was that when Cameron said he wanted to get a big new TV, and that he thought 55 inches would be about right, I said, "Hmm, sounds biggish, sure." (That the diagonal was only eleven inches shorter than my actual total height somehow failed to occur to me.)

Biggish:




I'm not complaining, just surprised. It is a large television. But the high-def is fantastic and our SuperBowl party should be a big upgrade over last year's, where it was too much trouble to peer at the tiny screen of my old TV, so everyone pretty much just sat around and ate snacks.

Another Christmas Song

It occurs to me that my Christmas song posts have, in the past, been somewhat negative in nature. There was this analysis of what remains, in my opinion, the most annoying Christmas song ever. (Yes, even worse than the barking dogs. At least they didn't take themselves so damn seriously.) And, of course, this classic television moment. So I thought this year I would do something unrelentingly cheerful and positive, with much better production values. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Stephen Colbert with "Another Christmas Song"

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
A Colbert Christmas: Another Christmas Song
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Economy

Project Hairway: The Return

Back by Popular Demand (by which I mean, Mary mentioned it), I bring you my traditional commentary on the new season of Project Runway, in which I judge the new crop of contestants strictly by their hair. I'm shallow, but consistent.


Christopher Straub:


Has grown a beard that outlines his face, without actually contributing anything to it. Is willing to expend a lot of effort on pointless details, which should serve him well in the fashion industry. Or he'll just end up putting borders on everything.




Johnny Sakalis:


Johnny is a recovering meth addict. We know this because, in the one episode we have seen so far, seemingly every time Johnny has encountered a camera, he has told it that he is a recovering meth addict. Therefore, the most reasonable explanation here is that he heard that traces of drugs can persist in a person's hair, so he cut it all off so that, in a moment of weakness he did not shave his head, grind up the hair and attempt to inject it directly into his veins.

Louise Black:


Hmm. Severe, retro haircut, dyed black. Pretty, with strong, equally retro makeup in bright colors.
Uh-oh.
Let's just hope a love of the twenties isn't the same kind of crazy-indicator as a Bettie Page obsession apparently is.




Ra'mon-Lawrence Coleman:


Because why have ordinary hair when you can lay out a tiny hedge maze on your head? Sure, it can be annoying when the tiny people get frustrated and try to hack their way back to the path, but that's just the price you have to pay for being an innovator.

The stupid little beard, however, is stupid.



Irina Shabayeva:


Ah, the "shampoo model caught in a windstorm" look. Dramatic, but difficult to maintain. Do you suppose she travels with her own wind machine? Because that could get awkward in the workroom.





Ari Fish:


It's cute hair, spunky hair. Unfortunately, it is also hair that does not know what a geodesic dome is (hint: it's not an ugly top made out of hexagonal quilting pieces), so sadly, it is also eliminated hair,





Qristyl Frazier:


Hey, we live in a post-racial era now, right? So I can totally comment on a black woman's hair without coming off as insensitive, offensive, condescending, or all three, right? Because all those problems are over now, and we have nothing to worry about.

Right.


Nicolas Putvinski:


Fun fact: This is exactly the same haircut that I had when I was four. Based on that, I would say that he is going to spend a lot of his time making up stories about his two Breyer horses who eat meat and are named Mary and Jesus. This may be a detriment to his chances in the competition.




Mitchell Hall:


The classic "trying so hard to look like I'm not trying" hair. Cut obtained for two hundred dollars at a salon with a one-word name, crafted to meticulously imitate the appearance of one obtained at Supercuts with a coupon. It must be so complicated to be a guy.




Shirin Askari:


See, being a girl is a lot simpler. You just say, "Give me pretty princess hair, and make sure it's all bouncy and wavy. I'm going to sit over here and practice posing for my eighth grade class pictures. Wait 'til you see it with the lasers!"




Gordana Gehlhausen:


It's a pity Runway has moved to Lifetime from Bravo, because this hair is crying out for a starring role on one of those Housewives shows. Can't you just see it, swanning around whatever enclave of the somewhat wealthy the producers have invaded this week, flitting past the manufactured dramas and dismissively flipping at the various antics of women whose guiding principle in life has been, "Just be nice to the gentlemen, Fancy, and they'll be nice to you."?

No? It's just me? Okay, never mind.



Epperson:


Dear Absurd Little Caucasian College Boys who are trying to prove they are cool and alternative and in touch with African/Caribbean culture by not washing their hair and hoping that it ends up looking like this:

It won't. Accept your limitations and invest in some shampoo and a pair of scissors.

Love,
Daisy


Carol Hannah Whitfield:


Ah, the grandeur that is Southern Hair. The volume, the gleaming blondeness. Is it something in the water? An extensive selective breeding program? The effects of long-term exposure to heavily sweetened iced tea? I'm afraid we may never know.




Logan Neitzel:


"You think I am just going to offer up my hair here, for you to judge? Do you know who my hair is? And no, I am not going to cultivate any sort of face-fungus to help you out here. If you want to know something about me, you are just going to have to read my bio, or watch my videos, or actually remember who the heck I was from the premier. Don't just think that I am going to give you anything."



Malvin Vien:


I don't care if it's an expression of your artistry. I don't care if it's ironic. I don't care if it's the way your mom cut your hair when you were eight and you loved it so much you never wanted it to change.

Dude: You have a mullet. It's time to rethink some life decisions here.

Trick My What?

As I am sure you are aware, there is a show on the CMT network called "Trick My Truck," in which a team of skilled artisans takes relatively ordinary semi trailers (mostly) and turns them into rolling works of modern art, primarily via airburshing. In this week's episode they help to preserve the sanctity of marriage by turning an old fire truck into a wedding chapel, complete with organ. And airbrushing.




A crossover with CMT's other hit show, "My Big Redneck Wedding" seems rather inevitable.

Was Sesame Street Always This Hip, And I Just Didn't Notice?

It's possible. I really wasn't that plugged in to the indie music scene when I was four. Anyways, here's Feist performing a version of her hit song/iTunes jingle, and it's kind of awesome:



(But, scandal! Where is The Count?)

Am I Dreaming?

Or is this Neil Patrick Harris on Sesame Street, dancing and singing about shoes?




I'm dreaming, aren't I?

Attn: SciFi channel

I have found the plot of your next TV movie.

I'm thinking Josh Duhamel and Jamie Pressly as the maverick scientist and hot park ranger, respectively, and Ray Wise for the evil government flunky. With David Arquette on comic relief and Coolio playing some kind of military guy, of course. And, playing the snake, some really cheap CGI.


Actual quote from the article which would make a good line in the movie: "We've taken the snake and turned it into a giant thermometer."

Intermission

Well, that last post was kind of a downer. How about something a little more upbeat?



There. That's better.

Of course, it would have been even better if they had included these guys.

(Original version here)

Coming to Fox, Fall 2009

That previous clip was from a program called "Hole in the Wall" which, as you may have guessed, was adapted from a Japanese game show. And now that American networks have discovered this treasure trove of inspiration from the East I have a feeling we will be seeing more of these beauties.

I call this one "Holes in the Floor With Girls With Pork Chops on Their Heads Coming Through Them to be Terrorized by an Annoyed Monitor Lizard," and I think it's going to be the next big thing:



That is, if they don't get to testing the weightlifting prowess of stray cats or holding drag pageants first.

Les Mots Justes

Because sometimes life dresses you in a shiny silver suit and sends a giant Styrofoam wall at you with a hole in it you could never possibly fit through, and in that case there really is only one thing you can say:

Project Hairway 2

Project Runway is back, for its last season before the Lifetime crapocalypse! In honor of the event, I am returning with my tradition of judging the contestants by their hair:

Kellie
Beehive, tattoos, black clothes-- it's kind of like if Amy Winehouse discovered deep conditioning and sandwiches.









Joe
"Hey, did you know there are guys who are, get this, attracted to women? No, seriously, it's like, genetic or something. Anyway, sometimes we have hair like this."






Kenley
Bettie Page, of course. Retro chicks always go for Bettie Page. Whatever; wake me up when someone turns up styled like Frederick Handley Page.







Jennifer
The kind of long, straight style that would make Nick on What Not to Wear repeatedly use the phrase "security blanket."









Terri
Hey Terri, Donna Summer called. She was going to ask for her hair back, but then she decided it looked pretty good on you, so she's letting it slide. I'd stay away from the one-shoulder shirts though, just to be on the safe side.





Blayne

My first impression: kinda cool fifty-something aging-surfer-dude. Actual fact twenty-seven year-old designer.
Seriously, buddy, the tanning booth is not your friend.






Suede
Some people look to past fashion icons for their hair choices, some draw inspiration from art or nature. And some people, apparently, style themselves after a home pregnancy test.

(This season: Suede. Next season: Naugahyde.)



Leanne
The kind of long, straight style that would make. . . Wait, didn't I already do this one?








Keith

When the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is to take a nice, refreshing swig of vodka, your grooming regimen had better be fairly simple.




Stella
One box Clairol Nice N' Easy hair color in 124 (Blue-black): $7.99
One Supercuts basic trim-and-bangs: 19.95
Knowing what an alternate-universe Cher who never made it big and got all the plastic surgery, and instead lived out her days busing tables at a leather bar in Duluth would look like: Priceless.




Korto
And in the category of Even I'm Not That Stupid: Me making fun of her hair. Next!







Daniel
Fine, go ahead and hide that headsuit under a jaunty hat. You still can't stop me from commenting on that artfully cultivated stubble, can you?
Seriously, do you have a special razor setting for that, or what?





Emily
On the other hand, why bother with hats when you can make your own ski cap out of hair? I guess when you're a designer, everything is material.






Jerell
Wait, this guy was on the show? Seriously? Huh.







Jerry, Wesley

Okay, guys, listen. Just because you take a bit of your hair and make it stand up in the middle does not mean you have "style". Try again.