If you're not watching the current we-swear-this-is-the-final-season of American Idol, there's something you need to know: They are really, really into Kelly Clarkson. To hear her discussed on the current show, you would think she is some sort of combination of God and Beyonce, and it is a testament to the great power and wisdom of Idol that they immediately seized on her talent and presented her like a gift to the world.
In fact, the winner of the first season was basically presented as cannon fodder for the first several episodes, to the point where I don't even remember what she sang for her Top 30 song. I guess we'll find out together.
0:06 Second visible appearance of Kelly Clarkson on the show! Still have not heard her speak or sing.
0:07 Justin is here too!
0:53 I just want to take a moment and talk about how young Ryan Seacrest looks here, compared to his appearance on the current season. I mean, yes, I know, I looked younger in 2002 too, and I may have also owned that shirt, but the dude hasn't aged so much as transmogrified. I seriously think that part of the deal for buying Dick Clark's production company was that he had to take on some sort of curse, and now the eldrich forces are slowly turning him into Mr. Clark. Meanwhile, trapped somewhere in a garret, Brian Dunkleman grows ever younger. . .
3:58 Alexis Lopez, seventeen years old and rocking a look that's half jailbait/half elderly-lounge-singer. She sings "I Will Survive" because of course she does.
Showing posts with label American Idol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label American Idol. Show all posts
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
All the Things that Happened on S1E4 of American Idol: Group 1 Results Show
0:11 Opening credits.
0:43 Ryan and Brian are both wearing khakis.
2:04 Paula tries to deliver a zinger, fails badly.
4:23 I am reasonably confident that Ryan is NOT wearing a pukka shell necklace.
8:03 Tamyra Gray is the first person put through to the next round.
10:38 "Weakest Link" joke.
13:26 Ryan Starr gets the second spot in the top 10.
16:18 Jim Verraros is the third finalist. There are over four minutes left in the show.
17:38 Everyone in the finalist chairs is wearing a choker. 2002!
20:01 End credits.
0:43 Ryan and Brian are both wearing khakis.
2:04 Paula tries to deliver a zinger, fails badly.
4:23 I am reasonably confident that Ryan is NOT wearing a pukka shell necklace.
8:03 Tamyra Gray is the first person put through to the next round.
10:38 "Weakest Link" joke.
13:26 Ryan Starr gets the second spot in the top 10.
16:18 Jim Verraros is the third finalist. There are over four minutes left in the show.
17:38 Everyone in the finalist chairs is wearing a choker. 2002!
20:01 End credits.
Monday, February 08, 2016
Not-Exactly-Live-Blogging American Idol S1E3: Top 30 Group 1
And now, into the depths we go. This is it, the opening of public
voting, as the 30 who were put through from Hollywood-Pasadena Week are
narrowed down to however many we end up with. I can't be sure, but I
suspect that this may have been when I started caring deeply about the
voting results.
1:21 Explanation time! It's 10 singers to elimination, 9 from voting and the judge's wildcard. This would be much less fun if my memory was better.
1:30 It looks like they're holding this in the lobby of a Ramada Inn conference center.
2:59 Paula seems to have had a new face installed here. I don't think it took.
3:55 Reminder that calls are toll-free "unless you use a cell phone" and no number for texting votes. Was 2002 really that long ago?
1:21 Explanation time! It's 10 singers to elimination, 9 from voting and the judge's wildcard. This would be much less fun if my memory was better.
1:30 It looks like they're holding this in the lobby of a Ramada Inn conference center.
2:59 Paula seems to have had a new face installed here. I don't think it took.
3:55 Reminder that calls are toll-free "unless you use a cell phone" and no number for texting votes. Was 2002 really that long ago?
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Not-Exactly-Live-Blogging American Idol Season 1 Episode 2: Not-Exactly-Hollywood Week
The first ever "Hollywood" Week was held in Pasadena, which is at least somewhat closer to being Hollywood than Anaheim is to being Los Angeles, so they're already one up on a certain major league baseball team.
Personally, I never cared much for Hollywood week, wherever it was located. There were rarely any memorable performances, and the way the challenges are set up, if you tried to do them for a sociology experiment, someone from your institution's Human Subjects committee would come and have a very stern talk with you. But at least in the first season it all took place over one episode, rather than the bloated, ratings-chasing deathmarch it would become in later years.
(I'm pretty sure I really liked this show, but reading that last paragraph over again I'm not so sure. Perhaps this is just an elaborate trick I'm playing on myself.)
Anyway, on with the show.
0:12 We open with a recap of the bad singers from last week, just in case you haven't gotten enough of the idea that there are people who have no talent for singing, but try anyway.
03:24 First performer sings Aretha, first criticism from Simon is that she's too fat to be a star. We're off to a great start.
03:46 "I don't believe that if Aretha entered this competition, she would win it." I'm not sure if I should be sorry or relieved that Twitter didn't exist for this episode. (Bear in mind, folks: This is the first singer we see. This is what they wanted to lead with.)
05:47 A stab at justifying making the contestants work overnight is made, as being something they might have to do in the music business. Personally, I think they only rented the building for three days.
Personally, I never cared much for Hollywood week, wherever it was located. There were rarely any memorable performances, and the way the challenges are set up, if you tried to do them for a sociology experiment, someone from your institution's Human Subjects committee would come and have a very stern talk with you. But at least in the first season it all took place over one episode, rather than the bloated, ratings-chasing deathmarch it would become in later years.
(I'm pretty sure I really liked this show, but reading that last paragraph over again I'm not so sure. Perhaps this is just an elaborate trick I'm playing on myself.)
Anyway, on with the show.
0:12 We open with a recap of the bad singers from last week, just in case you haven't gotten enough of the idea that there are people who have no talent for singing, but try anyway.
03:24 First performer sings Aretha, first criticism from Simon is that she's too fat to be a star. We're off to a great start.
03:46 "I don't believe that if Aretha entered this competition, she would win it." I'm not sure if I should be sorry or relieved that Twitter didn't exist for this episode. (Bear in mind, folks: This is the first singer we see. This is what they wanted to lead with.)
05:47 A stab at justifying making the contestants work overnight is made, as being something they might have to do in the music business. Personally, I think they only rented the building for three days.
Saturday, January 09, 2016
Not-Exactly-Live-Blogging: American Idol Season 1, Episode 1
There was a time in my life when I was very into American Idol. I mean, quite into it. On the road trip for which this blog was founded, I chose at least one overnight stop based on needing to be in my motel room in time to watch it. I think I may have even voted a couple of times. I'm not going to admit that I saw "From Justin to Kelly" in the theater, because who would admit to that? (Okay, I did. But at least I'll protect the privacy of the person I saw it with.*) I haven't watched it in a while, because you don't always keep loving the things you loved when you were twenty-five, but I've always maintained some affection for the show. So, when they announced that this was going to be the last season, I decided to check back in, for old time's sake. And maybe the nostalgia is getting to me, because after watching the first couple of episodes, I got that old, early-2000's urge to start blogging again.
But I'm not going to blog the current season. There are plenty of people doing that who are more interesting about it than I am (I particularly recommend Michael Slezak at TVLine and Dave Holmes at Vulture). And I'm finding it difficult to summon enough emotion about these made-for-TV children to say anything more than "that was okay" and "that was less okay, but whatever, kids these days." So, instead, I thought I would look to the past, and blog about the first season, as long as nobody pulls the low-res clips on YouTube that are the only way I've found to watch it.
Let's start at the very begining:
Episode 1: June 11, 2002
0:02 We open with Ryan Seacrest and Brian Dunkleman introducing the show against a dark background, that lights up to reveal the Kodak Theater. I have to wonder: In this moment, what did Mr. Dunkleman think his future would hold? Did he believe that this was going to be the opportunity that would open the door to bigger and brighter things, to hosting red carpets and Rockin' New Year's Eve, and producing a multi-million-dollar reality TV franchise based on a fifth-string socialite with a sex tape? Or did he, even then, recognize the unstoppable force of ambition to his left, and already feel the icy grip of irrelevance closing around him?
Or maybe he was just happy to have the paycheck. Hard to say.
0:33 Original opening credits music, complete with cheesy CGI figures. Even after all this time, I still get a little frisson of excitement hearing it.
1:28 It is explained that this is based on a British show. The hope is that it will be at least as successful.
But I'm not going to blog the current season. There are plenty of people doing that who are more interesting about it than I am (I particularly recommend Michael Slezak at TVLine and Dave Holmes at Vulture). And I'm finding it difficult to summon enough emotion about these made-for-TV children to say anything more than "that was okay" and "that was less okay, but whatever, kids these days." So, instead, I thought I would look to the past, and blog about the first season, as long as nobody pulls the low-res clips on YouTube that are the only way I've found to watch it.
Let's start at the very begining:
Episode 1: June 11, 2002
0:02 We open with Ryan Seacrest and Brian Dunkleman introducing the show against a dark background, that lights up to reveal the Kodak Theater. I have to wonder: In this moment, what did Mr. Dunkleman think his future would hold? Did he believe that this was going to be the opportunity that would open the door to bigger and brighter things, to hosting red carpets and Rockin' New Year's Eve, and producing a multi-million-dollar reality TV franchise based on a fifth-string socialite with a sex tape? Or did he, even then, recognize the unstoppable force of ambition to his left, and already feel the icy grip of irrelevance closing around him?
Or maybe he was just happy to have the paycheck. Hard to say.
0:33 Original opening credits music, complete with cheesy CGI figures. Even after all this time, I still get a little frisson of excitement hearing it.
1:28 It is explained that this is based on a British show. The hope is that it will be at least as successful.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Joke You Will Not Get Unless You Watch American Idol and Idolatry* As Obsessively As I Do
"And, you know, the thing about a Tim Urban... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until he sings at ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'."
*Small amount of context in part 2 here.
(Note: Please do not take this as me implying that the only way to get Tim off of Idol is to stick a tank of compressed air into his mouth and shoot it with a rifle, while swearing. That would be irresponsible, and in violation of FCC regulations. Also, he seems like a nice enough kid, aside from the singing thing.)
*Small amount of context in part 2 here.
(Note: Please do not take this as me implying that the only way to get Tim off of Idol is to stick a tank of compressed air into his mouth and shoot it with a rifle, while swearing. That would be irresponsible, and in violation of FCC regulations. Also, he seems like a nice enough kid, aside from the singing thing.)
Friday, March 26, 2010
Shoefinder: American Idol Edition
As has been widely pointed out, this season of American Idol has been kind of tragic. So, clearly, what they need is some new shoes. That should fix everything.
(I am also offering song suggestions, though since next week's theme is R&B my depth of knowledge is not that great. But I am trying to limit myself to the last thirty years, which is something the contestants haven't seemed to have managed very well.)
Aaron Kelly:
This season has been somewhat overrun by young, male pseudo-heartthrobs of variable singing ability. And while Aaron does vary somewhat more towards actually having some, he has a distressing tendency towards big country ballads, which don't really suit his stature, or any enterprising producers hoping to turn him in to the latest in the recent stream of teenybopper cash machines. So I am offering these shoes as not only some good-looking shoes, but also as part of a bigger, youthifying makeover, which also includes the suggestion of a song that those putative teen fans might actually buy to listen to on their ipods while they fantasize about the inevitable day when he takes them to Winter Formal.
Song: "In My Head," Jason Derulo
Andrew Garcia:
For this year's former-gangbanger-turned-acoustic-strummer-with-neck-tattoo (aren't you sick of the type?), I am suggesting an understated but still kind of stylish loafer, to be worn sans sock, of course, while trying to recapture his one good moment on the show so far, when he sang a brilliant acoustic version of Ms. Abdul's "Straight Up" in the Hollywood round. He won't be able to, but at least he can have some shoes he can wear to job interviews after the show is over.
Song: Poison Bel Biv Devo
Casey James*:
For the guy in the "laid-back-hunk" role, I like the idea of a Chukka boot, the better to stroll around the stage while strumming on his guitar and singing with, if not a whole lot of energy, at least the awareness that he is a performer on a stage and a general grasp of the notes.
For this season, that's big.
Song: Change the World Babyface
Crystal Bowersox:
Issues of vocal ability aside, there just aren't a lot of people in this season who you could actually see as singing stars. I mean, you can look at their individual performances on the Idol stage, and you can say, "they did this and that well," but as for actually imagining them creating albums and headlining shows, it takes some stretching of the imagination.
Crystal is not one of those people. She clearly has a very good sense of who she is and what she wants to be, and she backs it up with singing ability and stage presence. I'm not sure she would be quite such a dominant force in a stronger season (in the days of the BattleDivas, she might have come off as a bit to subtle), but in these days of scarcity she is extremely welcome. My only suggestion is that she step up her style a bit-- keep the relaxed earth-mama look, but add some more dramatic touches and more upscale items. I like these for the way they reference Rastafarian colors for Our Lady of the White Girl Dreads, with out taking it too literal.
Song: No More Drama, Mary J. Blige
Didi Benami:
I don't have any big justification for these. They're so pretty! She's so pretty! And kind of underrated, I think. It's rare for Idol that the prettiest girl in the finals is also one of the most talented, so here's hoping she doesn't end up feeling like she needs to pull a Haley Scarnato and dress in increasingly tiny outfits every week.
Song: Another Sad Love Song, Toni Braxton
Katie Stevens:
I'm sorry, I just don't have anything useful to say about this year's robot pageant princess. But I really like these boots (they're waterproof!) and am seriously considering getting them in the black. Because as much as I like the red, I just think they're a little too superhero for everyday. Unless every day you are Wonder Woman. Of which seventeen-year-old Katie is neither wonder or woman, but hey, shiny!
Song: No Scrubs, TLC
Lee Dewyze:
To paraphrase Voltaire**, "If a rocker did not exist, it would be necessary for the American Idol producers to invent one." This year, in the absence of a stronger alternative, Lee here has landed the label, and he's doing a decent enough job with it. Not enough to merit some real rock and roll shoes, but good enough for a somewhat toned-down alternative.
Song: Closer, Ne-Yo
Michael "Big Mike" Lynch:
Big Mike is big. Big guy, big voice, big cheesy hand movements while he's singing the big songs. I don't think there's any way to reasonable expect him to tone it down, so I figured the best thing to do was to take it the other direction and find him some big (in terms of boldness of style) shoes.
Song: Woman, Raheem Devaughn
Siobhan Magnus:
Who doesn't love the little glassblower with the lungs of steel? She's made a name for herself being a little quirky, a little spacey, and shrieking into one giant note at the end of every song she sings. Which is cool, and it's her, and I certainly couldn't do it; but I think it's time that she took a break from treating every song as if were her audition to play Siryn in the next X-Men movie. Perhaps it's time to let her shoes do the shouting for her?
Song: I Don't Wanna Fight, Tina Turner
Tim Urban:
See Aaron Kelly, above, remove all references to vocal competence. Honestly, the kid must be coated in teflon, he's slipped through so often. But, failing that, I am offering some really cool shoes as a distraction. You've got to admit, they'll look pretty nice doing totally unnecessary slides across the stage, and when he executes an ill-advised stage dive into the audience and the small and confused girls they put in the front row drop him on his head, the shininess will help the stagehands find him before he gets torn to bits.
Song: Motown Philly, Boyz II Men***
*No relation.
**Hey, look at me! I'm fancy!
***Look, we all know it's not going to be good; it might as well be hilarious.
(I am also offering song suggestions, though since next week's theme is R&B my depth of knowledge is not that great. But I am trying to limit myself to the last thirty years, which is something the contestants haven't seemed to have managed very well.)
Aaron Kelly:
This season has been somewhat overrun by young, male pseudo-heartthrobs of variable singing ability. And while Aaron does vary somewhat more towards actually having some, he has a distressing tendency towards big country ballads, which don't really suit his stature, or any enterprising producers hoping to turn him in to the latest in the recent stream of teenybopper cash machines. So I am offering these shoes as not only some good-looking shoes, but also as part of a bigger, youthifying makeover, which also includes the suggestion of a song that those putative teen fans might actually buy to listen to on their ipods while they fantasize about the inevitable day when he takes them to Winter Formal.
Song: "In My Head," Jason Derulo
Andrew Garcia:
For this year's former-gangbanger-turned-acoustic-strummer-with-neck-tattoo (aren't you sick of the type?), I am suggesting an understated but still kind of stylish loafer, to be worn sans sock, of course, while trying to recapture his one good moment on the show so far, when he sang a brilliant acoustic version of Ms. Abdul's "Straight Up" in the Hollywood round. He won't be able to, but at least he can have some shoes he can wear to job interviews after the show is over.
Song: Poison Bel Biv Devo
Casey James*:
For the guy in the "laid-back-hunk" role, I like the idea of a Chukka boot, the better to stroll around the stage while strumming on his guitar and singing with, if not a whole lot of energy, at least the awareness that he is a performer on a stage and a general grasp of the notes.
For this season, that's big.
Song: Change the World Babyface
Crystal Bowersox:
Issues of vocal ability aside, there just aren't a lot of people in this season who you could actually see as singing stars. I mean, you can look at their individual performances on the Idol stage, and you can say, "they did this and that well," but as for actually imagining them creating albums and headlining shows, it takes some stretching of the imagination.
Crystal is not one of those people. She clearly has a very good sense of who she is and what she wants to be, and she backs it up with singing ability and stage presence. I'm not sure she would be quite such a dominant force in a stronger season (in the days of the BattleDivas, she might have come off as a bit to subtle), but in these days of scarcity she is extremely welcome. My only suggestion is that she step up her style a bit-- keep the relaxed earth-mama look, but add some more dramatic touches and more upscale items. I like these for the way they reference Rastafarian colors for Our Lady of the White Girl Dreads, with out taking it too literal.
Song: No More Drama, Mary J. Blige
Didi Benami:
I don't have any big justification for these. They're so pretty! She's so pretty! And kind of underrated, I think. It's rare for Idol that the prettiest girl in the finals is also one of the most talented, so here's hoping she doesn't end up feeling like she needs to pull a Haley Scarnato and dress in increasingly tiny outfits every week.
Song: Another Sad Love Song, Toni Braxton
Katie Stevens:
I'm sorry, I just don't have anything useful to say about this year's robot pageant princess. But I really like these boots (they're waterproof!) and am seriously considering getting them in the black. Because as much as I like the red, I just think they're a little too superhero for everyday. Unless every day you are Wonder Woman. Of which seventeen-year-old Katie is neither wonder or woman, but hey, shiny!
Song: No Scrubs, TLC
Lee Dewyze:
To paraphrase Voltaire**, "If a rocker did not exist, it would be necessary for the American Idol producers to invent one." This year, in the absence of a stronger alternative, Lee here has landed the label, and he's doing a decent enough job with it. Not enough to merit some real rock and roll shoes, but good enough for a somewhat toned-down alternative.
Song: Closer, Ne-Yo
Michael "Big Mike" Lynch:
Big Mike is big. Big guy, big voice, big cheesy hand movements while he's singing the big songs. I don't think there's any way to reasonable expect him to tone it down, so I figured the best thing to do was to take it the other direction and find him some big (in terms of boldness of style) shoes.
Song: Woman, Raheem Devaughn
Siobhan Magnus:
Who doesn't love the little glassblower with the lungs of steel? She's made a name for herself being a little quirky, a little spacey, and shrieking into one giant note at the end of every song she sings. Which is cool, and it's her, and I certainly couldn't do it; but I think it's time that she took a break from treating every song as if were her audition to play Siryn in the next X-Men movie. Perhaps it's time to let her shoes do the shouting for her?
Song: I Don't Wanna Fight, Tina Turner
Tim Urban:
See Aaron Kelly, above, remove all references to vocal competence. Honestly, the kid must be coated in teflon, he's slipped through so often. But, failing that, I am offering some really cool shoes as a distraction. You've got to admit, they'll look pretty nice doing totally unnecessary slides across the stage, and when he executes an ill-advised stage dive into the audience and the small and confused girls they put in the front row drop him on his head, the shininess will help the stagehands find him before he gets torn to bits.
Song: Motown Philly, Boyz II Men***
*No relation.
**Hey, look at me! I'm fancy!
***Look, we all know it's not going to be good; it might as well be hilarious.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
AAGH!
Said by "Sir" Andrew Lloyd Webber to David Cook during their rehearsal segment on tonight's American Idol:
"Look at me like I'm the most beautiful seventeen-year-old girl in the world. Look into my eyes and sing to me."
GAH!
"Look at me like I'm the most beautiful seventeen-year-old girl in the world. Look into my eyes and sing to me."
GAH!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Reason #586 Why I Am A Bad Person
So, last night I went to see blues singer/guitarist John Hammond, with Abigail, who digs them blues (I don't, really, but I believe in expanding my horizons). But that's not why I'm a bad person. I'm a bad person because, as I was sitting there at Freight and Salvage, listening to what I am sure were fine blues and watching the middle-aged white people attempt to locate the downbeat, all I could think was "What is Melinda singing tonight on Idol? Please let her do something a little younger this week. And god, I hope Phil can manage to pull it together and outlast Haley. The way she's going, if she makes it another week she'll be coming out wearing nothing but a scarf and a couple of strategically placed kumquats."
See? Bad person.
See? Bad person.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Starring: Me!
Well, not starring, exactly, but I did get to be the featured reader on EW.com's Idolatry webcast this week. Which is just about as cool as anything that has happened to me lately. I got the call on my cell phone on my way to work yesterday, just as I was about to merge from 880 onto 84, which seems to be a place where I get very bad signal. But it was all good, because it cleared up right about when I had to start talking, and I made it off the freeway without getting into an accident and I think I even managed to be kind of coherent. Even better, they cut the joke I made about killing myself if Haley outlasted Lakisha, which is a big relief because I was kind of regretting that one.
Monday, February 05, 2007
A post that was just supposed to be a joke about American Idol, but got out of hand
Place: A secret laboratory, behind a strip mall somewhere in the Deep South.
Two scientists are huddled over a dimly-lit tank, from which choppy strains of "Unbreak My Heart" can be faintly heard.
Scientist 1: It's almost ready! Soon we will be able to put the final stage of our plan into action.
Scientist 2: I'm telling you, you're being too hasty. And since when do we have a plan?
Scientist 1: Of course we have a plan! You know that we are creating our army of blonde southern naifs to advance as American Idol contestants before turning into our brutal agents of destruction.
Scientist 2: Oh, that plan.
Scientist 1: They'll never create enough antivenin in time!
Scientist 2: Yes, yes, but why the hurry?
Scientist 1: Our lease on this place is up next month. Damn landlord wants to put a Hardee's in here.
Scientist 2: Gotcha. Well, I guess we'd better fire her up then. Phil!
(A RESEARCH ASSOCIATE, who has been doing all of the actual work, appears from under a piece of equipment.)
Research Associate: Are you talking to me? Because Phil left last month.
Scientist 1: Whatever. Get moving, we're going live!
(Switches are thrown, cranks whir, machinery springs to life. Variously colored liquids move through tubes over the tank. Somewhere in the distance a coffee machine turns on. A thin, blonde figure stumbles out of the tank and looks around for a camera.)
Scientist 1: Yes! KMI005 is a go!
KMI005: *giggle* Who, little ol' me? *giggle*
Scientist 1: She's adorable! No one will be able to resist.
KMI005: *giggle* Y'all want me to sing sumthin? Ah've always dre-uhmed of bein' a singuh. *giggle*
Scientist 2: I don't know, don't you think you've set the accent a little strong?
RA: Yeah, we're almost out of the starting material, so we had to crank up the Southern charm to compensate.
KMI005:(warbling) Give meh one moment in tahm...
Scientist 2: Starting material? You mean the DNA from that water bottle we stole from Faith Hill's dressing room?
Scientist 1: Right. We used most of it on KMI001; we've been running on fumes ever since. We filled out the gaps for 005 here with a combination of frogs and Hooters waitresses.
KMI005: Ah keep on fahling in 'n out of love wit y'all... *giggle*
Scientist 1: (to RA) How's the backstory coming?
RA: I think I've got it. You see, she's an orphan, because her dad was a trucker, and one day he came back from a long haul and his friend told him that his dog had run off and his wife was cheating on him with another man, so he went to see the guy and found him dead, so he shot his gun off to get the attention of a patrol car, and they arrested him and hanged him almost immediately, even though it was really his sister who killed the guy, plus the wife, for reasons that remain unclear. What do you think?
Scientist 2: Isn't that the plot of the song "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia"?
RA: Yeah, but I added the part about the dog.
KMI005:(off-key) ...and Ah'm hungry lahk the wolf...
Scientist 1: Dammit, this isn't working. (reaching for a knob) We need more charming Southerness!
Scientist 2: No! The system can't take it!
(Scientist 1 cranks the knob all the way into the red.)
KMI005: *giggle* Ah lahk pea-yus. *giggle*
RA: She's gonna blow!
Scientist 1: Oh, come on, she's not that bad.
RA: No, I mean--
RKI005:(exploding) KUH-BLAYUM!
(The scientists emerge from the pile of heavily accented rubble.)
Scientist 1: Well. I guess we'll have to go with plan C.
Scientist 2: I think that was plan C.
Scientist 1: Plan D, then. Phil! Bring the frisbees.
RA: (dying) I'm... not... Phil.
THE END
Two scientists are huddled over a dimly-lit tank, from which choppy strains of "Unbreak My Heart" can be faintly heard.
Scientist 1: It's almost ready! Soon we will be able to put the final stage of our plan into action.
Scientist 2: I'm telling you, you're being too hasty. And since when do we have a plan?
Scientist 1: Of course we have a plan! You know that we are creating our army of blonde southern naifs to advance as American Idol contestants before turning into our brutal agents of destruction.
Scientist 2: Oh, that plan.
Scientist 1: They'll never create enough antivenin in time!
Scientist 2: Yes, yes, but why the hurry?
Scientist 1: Our lease on this place is up next month. Damn landlord wants to put a Hardee's in here.
Scientist 2: Gotcha. Well, I guess we'd better fire her up then. Phil!
(A RESEARCH ASSOCIATE, who has been doing all of the actual work, appears from under a piece of equipment.)
Research Associate: Are you talking to me? Because Phil left last month.
Scientist 1: Whatever. Get moving, we're going live!
(Switches are thrown, cranks whir, machinery springs to life. Variously colored liquids move through tubes over the tank. Somewhere in the distance a coffee machine turns on. A thin, blonde figure stumbles out of the tank and looks around for a camera.)
Scientist 1: Yes! KMI005 is a go!
KMI005: *giggle* Who, little ol' me? *giggle*
Scientist 1: She's adorable! No one will be able to resist.
KMI005: *giggle* Y'all want me to sing sumthin? Ah've always dre-uhmed of bein' a singuh. *giggle*
Scientist 2: I don't know, don't you think you've set the accent a little strong?
RA: Yeah, we're almost out of the starting material, so we had to crank up the Southern charm to compensate.
KMI005:(warbling) Give meh one moment in tahm...
Scientist 2: Starting material? You mean the DNA from that water bottle we stole from Faith Hill's dressing room?
Scientist 1: Right. We used most of it on KMI001; we've been running on fumes ever since. We filled out the gaps for 005 here with a combination of frogs and Hooters waitresses.
KMI005: Ah keep on fahling in 'n out of love wit y'all... *giggle*
Scientist 1: (to RA) How's the backstory coming?
RA: I think I've got it. You see, she's an orphan, because her dad was a trucker, and one day he came back from a long haul and his friend told him that his dog had run off and his wife was cheating on him with another man, so he went to see the guy and found him dead, so he shot his gun off to get the attention of a patrol car, and they arrested him and hanged him almost immediately, even though it was really his sister who killed the guy, plus the wife, for reasons that remain unclear. What do you think?
Scientist 2: Isn't that the plot of the song "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia"?
RA: Yeah, but I added the part about the dog.
KMI005:(off-key) ...and Ah'm hungry lahk the wolf...
Scientist 1: Dammit, this isn't working. (reaching for a knob) We need more charming Southerness!
Scientist 2: No! The system can't take it!
(Scientist 1 cranks the knob all the way into the red.)
KMI005: *giggle* Ah lahk pea-yus. *giggle*
RA: She's gonna blow!
Scientist 1: Oh, come on, she's not that bad.
RA: No, I mean--
RKI005:(exploding) KUH-BLAYUM!
(The scientists emerge from the pile of heavily accented rubble.)
Scientist 1: Well. I guess we'll have to go with plan C.
Scientist 2: I think that was plan C.
Scientist 1: Plan D, then. Phil! Bring the frisbees.
RA: (dying) I'm... not... Phil.
THE END
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
My Entry For the American Idol Song Competition
This year, the producers of American Idol have decided to choose the song to be sung by the winner in the finale from a national competition. This is my entry, a song that I think really expresses the true, innermost feelings of the winner at the moment of victory (lyrics only as, sadly, I have the musical ability of a medium-sized trout).
The Heart of Victory
(Intro)
Here I am, standing in the spotlight
Well for once, America got it right
I’m the winner, I knew I would be
By the way, I also act
I’m gonna be bigger than Kelly
Soon as I get out of my contract
And the thousands of hopefuls who came
Are thousands of losers today
So take a good look at your dream
And go back to your job at Tarjay
(Chorus)
So I guess I’ll see ya
Sure wouldn’t wanna be ya
You’ll never be like me
And if you think you might be
Then you can just bite me
The finalists I was up against
Had their moments, but not this one
They really thought they had a chance
But they lost and I won
Ooh, losing in this race
May be for your own good
I just know you’ll find a place
Guest-hosting Access Hollywood
(Chorus)
(Rap Interlude)
I’ll hug you now, but I think you can see
Second place is just first loser to me
You think you’re a Clay, but you’re just a Justin
Ten minutes from now, you’ll be in the dustbin
The bloggers may whine and your momma may boo
But we all know I won ‘cause I’m better than you
(Chorus)
Sometimes the judges didn’t even like me
But they can just bite me
Go ahead and bite me
BIIIIIIIIIITE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
The Heart of Victory
(Intro)
Here I am, standing in the spotlight
Well for once, America got it right
I’m the winner, I knew I would be
By the way, I also act
I’m gonna be bigger than Kelly
Soon as I get out of my contract
And the thousands of hopefuls who came
Are thousands of losers today
So take a good look at your dream
And go back to your job at Tarjay
(Chorus)
So I guess I’ll see ya
Sure wouldn’t wanna be ya
You’ll never be like me
And if you think you might be
Then you can just bite me
The finalists I was up against
Had their moments, but not this one
They really thought they had a chance
But they lost and I won
Ooh, losing in this race
May be for your own good
I just know you’ll find a place
Guest-hosting Access Hollywood
(Chorus)
(Rap Interlude)
I’ll hug you now, but I think you can see
Second place is just first loser to me
You think you’re a Clay, but you’re just a Justin
Ten minutes from now, you’ll be in the dustbin
The bloggers may whine and your momma may boo
But we all know I won ‘cause I’m better than you
(Chorus)
Sometimes the judges didn’t even like me
But they can just bite me
Go ahead and bite me
BIIIIIIIIIITE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
My Picks
Now that I have successfully called one week, with Melissa leaving tonight, I think it's time for me to put up my picks for the order in which the contestants should be voted out for the rest of the season. I will be proven wrong, of course. Kevin will probably win. Or there will be a massive case of voter fraud and the producers will have no choice but to give the title to Bobby.
Anyway:
1: Melissa
2: Kevin
3: Kellie
4: Bucky
5: Lisa
6: Taylor
7: Katherine
8: Paris
9: Ace
Final three: Mandisa, Chris, Elliot- Honestly, I could go with any of them for the win.
Now, do either of my loyal readers have any thoughts on the matter?
Anyway:
1: Melissa
2: Kevin
3: Kellie
4: Bucky
5: Lisa
6: Taylor
7: Katherine
8: Paris
9: Ace
Final three: Mandisa, Chris, Elliot- Honestly, I could go with any of them for the win.
Now, do either of my loyal readers have any thoughts on the matter?
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Theme Nights We Will Probably Not See on American Idol This Season
NWA's Greatest Hits
Cartoon Theme Songs of the '80s
The Tom Lehrer Songbook
Country Songs You Think Are About A Breakup But Turn Out To Really Be About A Lover Who Died
Nelson: The Masterworks
Ska
The 1830s
Drinking Songs
Louie, Louie
Cartoon Theme Songs of the '80s
The Tom Lehrer Songbook
Country Songs You Think Are About A Breakup But Turn Out To Really Be About A Lover Who Died
Nelson: The Masterworks
Ska
The 1830s
Drinking Songs
Louie, Louie
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Songs that the remaining Idol contestants should by no means sing
Chris: 'MmmBop', Hansen
Kellie: 'My Humps', The Black Eyes Peas
Will: 'Enter Sandman', Metallica
Kevin: 'Let's Get It On', Marvin Gaye
Ayla: 'In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida', Iron Butterfly
Elliot: 'Copacabana', Barry Manilow (Actually, no one should sing this one. Ever again.)
Mandisa: 'Hey Mickey', Toni Basil
Ace: 'Buffalo Soldier', Bob Marley
Bucky: 'H.O.V.A.', Jay-Z
Kinnik: 'I'm a Little Teapot', Various
Melissa: 'Blitzkrieg Bop', The Ramones
Gedeon:'The Sound of Settling', Death Cab For Cutie
Paris: 'You Light Up My Life', Debbie Boone (See 'Copacabana', above.)
Lisa: 'Bitch', Meredith Brooks
Taylor: 'Dirrty', Christina Aguilera
Kellie: 'My Humps', The Black Eyes Peas
Will: 'Enter Sandman', Metallica
Kevin: 'Let's Get It On', Marvin Gaye
Ayla: 'In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida', Iron Butterfly
Elliot: 'Copacabana', Barry Manilow (Actually, no one should sing this one. Ever again.)
Mandisa: 'Hey Mickey', Toni Basil
Ace: 'Buffalo Soldier', Bob Marley
Bucky: 'H.O.V.A.', Jay-Z
Kinnik: 'I'm a Little Teapot', Various
Melissa: 'Blitzkrieg Bop', The Ramones
Gedeon:'The Sound of Settling', Death Cab For Cutie
Paris: 'You Light Up My Life', Debbie Boone (See 'Copacabana', above.)
Lisa: 'Bitch', Meredith Brooks
Taylor: 'Dirrty', Christina Aguilera
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
And Now For the Guys
Taylor: 'The Runaround', Blues Traveler
Kinda funny-looking, harmonica-playing dude, meet John Popper.
Bucky: 'Friends in Low Places', Garth Brooks
Not that he has a snowball's chance in hell of making it, but a country crowd-pleaser like this might be enough to keep him around for another week.
David: 'In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning', Carly Simon (and others)
Old-fashioned enough for his style, modern enough to win people over.
Chris: 'The Best of You', Foo Fighters
Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, rockers gotta rock.
Elliot: 'With or Without You', U2
No real reason; I just like the song and I think he could do it.
Kevin: 'Yellow', Coldplay
Stick to songs by white people, kid.
Sway: 'No Myth', Michael Penn
Well, was if he was Romeo in black jeans?
Gedeon: 'Smile', Nat 'King' Cole
Would be funny, but I doubt he could make it through this (sad) song without grinning.
Will: 'I Want It That Way', The Backstreet Boys'
Give the tweenyboppers what they want.
Ace: 'Call and Answer', Barenaked Ladies
I would just melt. Someone would literally have to come over with a roll of paper towels and mop me up off the floor.
Okay, not literally.
Kinda funny-looking, harmonica-playing dude, meet John Popper.
Bucky: 'Friends in Low Places', Garth Brooks
Not that he has a snowball's chance in hell of making it, but a country crowd-pleaser like this might be enough to keep him around for another week.
David: 'In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning', Carly Simon (and others)
Old-fashioned enough for his style, modern enough to win people over.
Chris: 'The Best of You', Foo Fighters
Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, rockers gotta rock.
Elliot: 'With or Without You', U2
No real reason; I just like the song and I think he could do it.
Kevin: 'Yellow', Coldplay
Stick to songs by white people, kid.
Sway: 'No Myth', Michael Penn
Well, was if he was Romeo in black jeans?
Gedeon: 'Smile', Nat 'King' Cole
Would be funny, but I doubt he could make it through this (sad) song without grinning.
Will: 'I Want It That Way', The Backstreet Boys'
Give the tweenyboppers what they want.
Ace: 'Call and Answer', Barenaked Ladies
I would just melt. Someone would literally have to come over with a roll of paper towels and mop me up off the floor.
Okay, not literally.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Suggested Songs for Idol Competitors: Girls
Because they need the help (and I know you care so much):
Mandisa: 'Shut Up and Kiss Me', Mary Chapin Carpenter
She's shown that she can do rock and soul; I think MCC's brand of blues-tinged country would be right up her alley.
Paris: 'One', U2/Mary J. Blige
The original might seem like an odd match for her, but Ms. Blige's recent cover shows how soulful it can be.
Ayla: 'Hollaback Girl', Gwen Stephani
Might as well put that athletic experience to good use.
Kelly: 'Walking on Sunshine', Katrina and the Waves
A good match for her bubbly persona, and she needs to get away from the country thing every once in a while.
Brenna: 'I Didn't Steal Your Boyfriend', Ashlee Simpson
When attitude is all you've got, might as well run with it. Plus, there's no danger of being compared unfavorably to the original singer and anyway, it's only a matter of time before she's dating Wilmer.
Katherine: 'Maps', The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Call me crazy, but I think it would work.
Lisa: 'Baby Boy', Beyonce Knowles
Honey, you're sixteen. Have some fun already.
Heather, Kinnik and Melissa: I couldn't remember anything distintive enough about these three to pick out songs for them. This is not a good sign.
Mandisa: 'Shut Up and Kiss Me', Mary Chapin Carpenter
She's shown that she can do rock and soul; I think MCC's brand of blues-tinged country would be right up her alley.
Paris: 'One', U2/Mary J. Blige
The original might seem like an odd match for her, but Ms. Blige's recent cover shows how soulful it can be.
Ayla: 'Hollaback Girl', Gwen Stephani
Might as well put that athletic experience to good use.
Kelly: 'Walking on Sunshine', Katrina and the Waves
A good match for her bubbly persona, and she needs to get away from the country thing every once in a while.
Brenna: 'I Didn't Steal Your Boyfriend', Ashlee Simpson
When attitude is all you've got, might as well run with it. Plus, there's no danger of being compared unfavorably to the original singer and anyway, it's only a matter of time before she's dating Wilmer.
Katherine: 'Maps', The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Call me crazy, but I think it would work.
Lisa: 'Baby Boy', Beyonce Knowles
Honey, you're sixteen. Have some fun already.
Heather, Kinnik and Melissa: I couldn't remember anything distintive enough about these three to pick out songs for them. This is not a good sign.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
What? Like you believed me
I'm calling it- the top six guys for this year's American Idol:
Ace
Will
Taylor
Elliot
Kevin
Chris
Prettiest names of Olympic venues:
San Sicario
Pragelato Plan
Palovela
Cesana Pariol
Setriere Colle
Sauze D'Oulx
Third list of things so this post feels complete:
The Straits of Gilbatrar
Tulips
A Silver Spangled Hamburg Large Fowl Hen
Gwen Stefani
Creme Brulee
Ace
Ace
Will
Taylor
Elliot
Kevin
Chris
Prettiest names of Olympic venues:
San Sicario
Pragelato Plan
Palovela
Cesana Pariol
Setriere Colle
Sauze D'Oulx
Third list of things so this post feels complete:
The Straits of Gilbatrar
Tulips
A Silver Spangled Hamburg Large Fowl Hen
Gwen Stefani
Creme Brulee
Ace
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Help! I can't stop blogging!
I wasn't going to blog about American Idol. Why should I? Who on Earth cares what I think about American Idol? But I can't resist. The squeamish might want to avert their eyes.
Mandeesa: How can you not love Mandeesa? Big girl, big voice, big heart. Oversang a bit, but still a favorite.
Kelly Pickler: I really want to like her; she has a great story and doesn't have the attitude even though she's one of the LTPGs (Less Talented Pretty Girls), but frankly, she just comes off as a cut-rate Carrie Underwood.
Becky O'Donohue: The worst of the LTPGs- this season's Ryan Starr. Destined for a future Pussycat Dolls cover band.
Ayla Brown: LTPG #3. Talked in her interview about 'overcoming hardships'. Yeah, like all the hardships that come with being a super-rich, highly gorgeous, senator's daughter. You can see where she draws her inspiration.
Paris Bennett: My pick to win. Awful speaking voice, amazing singing voice and an understanding that the purpose of music is not merely to show off how fabulous you are. Needs to shave her pits, though.
Stevie Scott: Ooh, missed some notes there. Not sure she really should have quit the opera thing.
Brenna Gethers: The anti-Paris. Not sweet, not talented, not here for the finals.
Heather Cox: On American Idol: "I watch it like a stalker." I like her. Too bad she's not that much of a singer.
Melissa McGhee: Former beauty pagent contestant. Oddly, I don't hate her. I do hate her eyebrows.
Lisa Tucker: Scary stage kid, with a scary stage mom, but scary good too.
Kinnik Sky: More Talented Pretty Girl. Actually, that's not accurate; there's nothing girlish about her. Not up with the best, but good. The denim evening gown was an interesting choice, though.
Katherine McPhee: Another good voice with an even scarier stage mom. What is it with all these young girls choosing old-person songs? Do they think the mean voting age for AI is 72?
My picks for elimination: Stevie and Brenna. Not that they will be, but they should.
----------
Whew. I feel better now.
Mandeesa: How can you not love Mandeesa? Big girl, big voice, big heart. Oversang a bit, but still a favorite.
Kelly Pickler: I really want to like her; she has a great story and doesn't have the attitude even though she's one of the LTPGs (Less Talented Pretty Girls), but frankly, she just comes off as a cut-rate Carrie Underwood.
Becky O'Donohue: The worst of the LTPGs- this season's Ryan Starr. Destined for a future Pussycat Dolls cover band.
Ayla Brown: LTPG #3. Talked in her interview about 'overcoming hardships'. Yeah, like all the hardships that come with being a super-rich, highly gorgeous, senator's daughter. You can see where she draws her inspiration.
Paris Bennett: My pick to win. Awful speaking voice, amazing singing voice and an understanding that the purpose of music is not merely to show off how fabulous you are. Needs to shave her pits, though.
Stevie Scott: Ooh, missed some notes there. Not sure she really should have quit the opera thing.
Brenna Gethers: The anti-Paris. Not sweet, not talented, not here for the finals.
Heather Cox: On American Idol: "I watch it like a stalker." I like her. Too bad she's not that much of a singer.
Melissa McGhee: Former beauty pagent contestant. Oddly, I don't hate her. I do hate her eyebrows.
Lisa Tucker: Scary stage kid, with a scary stage mom, but scary good too.
Kinnik Sky: More Talented Pretty Girl. Actually, that's not accurate; there's nothing girlish about her. Not up with the best, but good. The denim evening gown was an interesting choice, though.
Katherine McPhee: Another good voice with an even scarier stage mom. What is it with all these young girls choosing old-person songs? Do they think the mean voting age for AI is 72?
My picks for elimination: Stevie and Brenna. Not that they will be, but they should.
----------
Whew. I feel better now.
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