Isn't That Pinteresting?

Fans of pointless social networking activities and terrible puns will be thrilled to learn that I have started using Pinterest, the very latest social media fad to mince down the pike. I don't fully get it*, and there are plenty of things that are annoying**, but I'm finding it handy for collecting items to be used in future blog posts. This one has things I'm finding for the next ugly clothes post, with drafts of potential jokes, if you're interested. There are probably other things I ought to be doing with the site, to drive up my social networking profile or whatever, but I can't really be bothered to figure them out.

I guess I'm just not that pinvested.


*I'm starting to suspect that I may, in fact, be old.
**Like the "apply for an invitation" signup and the fact that they randomly have you follow a bunch of people without asking.

You Paid What?: Kitchenwares Edition

Fashion is all well and good, but there are plenty of other ways you can waste your money. Such as by buying a selection of nearly-useless kitchen implements. Most of these are not that expensive in absolute terms, but they still cost far more than they are worth, which is nothing, minus the cost of the space lost in your kitchen.

Jar Scraper

Who buys jam that's so expensive that it's worth the ten dollars for a special scraper to get the last bit out? Just buy another jar of jam already.

Mini Pie Lifter

There are first-world problems, and then there is not being able to lift your mini-pies out of your mini-pie pan without damaging their crusts.

Toaster Pastry Press

We have reached the point of spending time and money to make fancy, imitation versions of cheap convenience foods. We are so far down the rabbit hole that even the rabbit is like, that's really overdoing it.

Cupcake Corer

IT'S CALLED A KNIFE.

Asparagus Pot

If you cook enough asparagus to need this item, then I do not want to ever get anywhere near your bathroom.

Waffle Tongs

Meatball Tongs

Because God Forbid you ever pick up any item of food without having the appropriate tongs. I knew someone who knew a girl whose cousin tried to pick up a meatball with her waffle tongs, and her hand fell off. True story.

Bread Cutting Board

I could actually use something like this, because we get a lot of crusty bread and the crumbs get all over the counter. But for two hundred dollars, I think I'll just stick with a damp sponge.

Comedy Tonight

There are lots of good things about winter in the Bay Area, like that we don't have one, but the SF Sketchfest is right up there.* Without it, I never would have gotten to see Dana Gould in full monkey makeup, performing as Hal Holbrook doing Mark Twain for the benefit of John Hodgman, and neither would you. But more on that in a minute.

But first, let's watch an Australian sing about prejudice (contains some bad words, but not the one you're thinking):

(This one's for you Abigail.)


And now, to transition from music to monkeys, a song about a monkey (sort of):

Aw.

And now, a video that probably needs some introduction, but I'm not sure there's any way to make it make sense. But I can say that if you do not push play, then you may never see Dana Gould playing the role of Dr. Zaius playing the roll of Hal Holbrook playing the role of Mark Twain, and do you really want to live a life like that?



*Credit to Mary for introducing me to this, lo those many years ago.**
**2007.

Open Letters to Stupid People: Sukhmander Singh Who Owns a 2000 Toyota Camry

Dear Sukhmander Singh Who Owns a 2000 Toyota Camry,

Congratulations on the oil change on your 2000 Toyota Camry. That was very responsible of you. Most people with a 2000 Toyota Camry might not think it is worth taking it in to the dealer, POWER TOYOTA OF BUENA PARK, to have the oil changed, but you know how much a twelve-year-old mid-size sedan is worth. ($3,802) But you know what you don't know? That it is not very nice to use someone else's email address to schedule the appointment for your 2000 Toyota Camry, Sukhmander Singh. Even if someone I can only assume is a relative of yours (given that they have the same last name and live in the same town) has used it before, that does not, in fact, make the email address yours.

Sincerely,
The person whose email address you and your family have been using.

P.S. Was it the insurance policy on the 2000 Camry that you wanted to exclude Jaskaran Singh from? Because that doesn't really seem like it would be worth the effort.

The Googlebet II

I did this once before, back in 2008, when the world was a different place*. But I think it's time to revisit, so here you are, for the second time: The most commonly searched words as predicted by Google's autofill function for each letter of the alphabet.**

A is for Amazon

B is for Best Buy

C is for Craigslist

D is for Dictionary

E is for ESPN

F is for Facebook

G is for Google***

H is for Hotmail****

I is for Illinois lottery*****
J is for Jewel Osco******
K is for Kohls
L is for LinkedIn
M is for Mapquest
N is for Netflix
O is for Old Navy
P is for Pandora
Q is for Quotes
R is for Redbox
S is for Southwest

T is for Target

U is for United Airlines
V is for Victoria (sic) Secret
W is for Walmart
X is for X Factor

Y is for YouTube

Z is for Zillow


So, what does the vast database that Google is maintaining on you tell them that you would like to see when you search the letters of the alphabet?


*Not really.
**Unchanged terms are marked in a tasteful mauve.
***Wait, what?
****Wait, what?
*****I should point out that my work computer believes it is in North Chicago, which I'm starting to suspect is influencing these results
******See above.

Experiment: Soup

Who doesn't occasionally look at the assembled goods in their kitchen and pantry and think, "What the heck, I'll make soup"? Sane people, probably. But they're missing out. 1. Assemble the ingredients

Two half-empty bottles flat beer, 1/2 package salt pork, 1/2 bundle dinosaur kale, 1 shallot (purchased), container of lentils, 2 cartons expired chicken stock (1 opened, partly used), salt, pepper*

2. Brown the salt pork

Should have cut it smaller.

Zero Points For Originality

Guess who's got a new letterpress app and a team in the playoffs?

Update: Dammit.

You Paid What?: The Most Expensive T-Shirts on the Internet*

Whenever anyone wants to make fun of designer-pricing excesses, they always go for the easy target of super-expensive t-shirts. So I thought, hey, why should everyone else be having all the fun?

Just Cavalli t-shirt, $175

Not only is it insanely expensive for what it is, it's also-- bonus!-- stunningly hideous. And it's on sale!

Earth t-shirt, $425

The only possible reason you could have for purchasing this is that you don't understand decimal points.

Fendi t-shirt, $790

Cute! And so perfect for those days when you don't want to get all dressed up, but still need to spend at least a grand on your outfit.

Givenchy t-shirt, $785

Recently, I was asked why I didn't feature more men's clothes here, and I was forced to admit that there seemed to be fewer stupid clothes for men available, to much smugness. Well, I take it back.


*That I could find with about twenty minutes of looking.

Celebrity Cook-Off: Don't Call It A Recap

Yes, I am watching this show. No, it is not good. It's so not good, in fact, that it's kind of great. It's like a post-bankruptcy Nicolas Cage movie-- reeking of make-a-buck desperation and gleeful disregard for the taste level or intelligence of the audience. (Anyone who has seen Ghost Rider knows exactly what I'm talking about.*) The producer manipulation is beyond blatant, with the eliminations having essentially nothing to do with performance in the challenges and, with a couple of exceptions, there is no pretense that any of the contestants on this cooking show know anything about food. (For example, in a salad-making challenge, the instructions explicitly included "You must make your own dressing." One of the contestants, who may have never been to a restaurant for people who actually eat, panicked because she didn't know if the judges preferred their dressing on the side.)

These all sound like criticisms, and they are, but the truth is that after spending so much time getting frustrated with "good" reality shows that succumb to false drama and manipulation, it's kind of refreshing to just hop on the treadmill and spend an hour watching borderline-celebrities** pretend to care about their charities while angling for their own Food Network shows. You can't even feel bad for the hosts, since it's not like Rachel Ray or Guy Fieri had any culinary cred to begin with.

I'm not bothering to recap the episode, because really, why? (If you're interested, the eliminated contestant was the current Miss USA, who claims to "love desserts" despite looking like she is composed of pipe cleaners and low-fat tape.) Instead, I would just like to make a few observations, like Lou Diamond Phillips is apparently living in an alternate dimension where he is a major movie star (while acknowledging that no one recognizes him from any film made in the last twenty years). Or that Coolio still wears his signature spiky dreads, but now only so that they stick out through his hat, leading me to suspect that the hair might have more attachment to the hats than his actual scalp, if you know what I mean.

Can I recommend it? Well, no, not in good conscience to most people. So I'll just point out that free episodes are available for streaming here, and let you do with that information what you will.


*Can you believe they're making a sequel? I'm so excited.
**Defined by Cameron as "People who are more famous than I am."

Ugly Clothes for Rich People, Holiday Sales II

The holidays are over, but the supply of expensive ugliness on sale is endless. If you are a stupid rich person who is not quite as stupid and/or rich as your compatriots, this is the season for you.

Comme des Garcons jacket?, $777.59

Perfect for achieving that effortless look of someone who put on one sleeve of her jacket, then tore the other one off and tying the rest into a kind of matted backpack-knot.

Elisanero oxfords, $199.19

For the woman who believes you are never truly dressed without at least one item of clothing that makes you look like a cartoon hobo.

Maison Martin Margiela top, $266.39

"I'm molting! Molting!"

Stella McCartney cashmere jogging pants, $502.19

 There is nothing I can say here that will be funnier than the description, so I'll just repeat it: Five-hundred-dollar cashmere jogging pants.

Ugly Clothes for Rich People, Part Post-Holiday Sales

Times are tough all over, and even wealthy idiots are feeling the need to cut back on their hideous-clothing budgets. So let's see what they'll be saving on, in order to have more money to spend on fur-lined beer cozies for their caveman-themed Superbowl parties.*

*Note: I was just going to do one of these, but I found so much material just in the first store I was looking that I think I may stretch this out over the whole week. Unless I forget.

KORS Michael Kors boot, $416

In theory, I am in sympathy with rejecting the idea that a woman must shave every bit of hair off her body to be socially acceptable. In practice, I think there might be better ways of making this point during the winter.

Dior ankle boot, $1050

You know what I want my feet to look like? Hooves. Giant, beige hooves. With buckles.

Giambattista Valli dress, $2397

"Excuse me, ma'am, I think your skirt is blebbing."

Roberto Cavalli caftan, $1326

Who knew that those guys who sell carpets out of the back of a truck at rural intersections were actually on the cutting edge of fashion?

Nicholas Kirkwood bootie, $1031

Get yourself a couple of pairs of googly eyes, and pretend you're walking around with your feet stuck into Grimace's head!

Prada tote, $4185

You can not call yourself a true fashionista unless you have spent upwards of four grand on an item that no one will believe you didn't just pick up at a church rummage sale.

Alexander McQueen jacket, $1604

You know what they say about a man with huge, awkwardly-placed pockets: That he has giant hands and very tiny arms.

New Year's Cheese

You know what's better than going out on New Year's Eve? Staying home and eating cheese:

Top row: Cowgirl Creamery Wagon Wheel, Blue Stilton
Bottom row: Hirtenkase, Cypress Grove Humboldt Fog, Cave Aged Gruyere
Not pictured: Brillat-Savarin

With the brand new set of cheese knives you got for Christmas:

I'm still not totally sure what the big one is for.

And do you know what's even better than staying home and eating cheese with your new cheese knives, and also quite filling? Staying home and eating graavlax and caviar on blinis* made by Cameron:

It's bad form to sneak too many bites of caviar when someone else is busy cooking. Or so I've heard.

And don't forget the creme fraiche:

It's white sauce!**

Of course, now one may be left of the problem of a great deal of leftover cheese (see above).***

This is what I would call a "manageable problem."


*Modified recipe, because the yeast part seemed like too much work. Basically, pancakes with buckwheat flour, and delicious.
**No, I don't get it either.
***Except for the Brillat-Savarin (not pictured).

Best "Best of 2011" Lists of 2011

10. Best Celebrity Mug Shots
I can't decide which is my favorite: The Smashing Pumpkins bass player who was booked for her horses getting out, or Andy Dick being arrested for public intoxication at a Marie Callendars.

9. Best Pieces of Random Inspirational Pablum, As Chosen By Their Writer
Or, rather, by the person who flipped through a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul and picked out her favorite cliches.

8. Best Table Tennis Shots
With jaunty Christmas music!


7. Best Professional Wrestling Moments
Will any of us ever forget where we were when the Ring of Honor went National?

6. Best Parliamentary Brawls
Pound-for-pound, a better fight deal than anything you'll find in the Ring of Honor.

5. Best Celebrity Twitter Feeds
2011: The year celebrities finally realized their true potential and cut out the middleman in sharing their embarrassing gossip with the world.

4. Best Dentists of Greater Washington Area
Although, at a total of 298 entries, I'm a little concerned about what you had to do to be left off the list. Leechings?

3. Best Lingerie Collection
A little something for the gentlemen. . .

2. Best Ryan Gosling Moments
. . . And for the ladies

1. Best Hats
Just to top it off.


Happy New Year!

Ugly Clothes For Rich People Part IIX

All footnotes, all the time! These garments can't decide what they are, and I can't decide how best to insult them.

Opening Ceremony coat, $375

It's like a mullet, if the principle behind a mullet was "business on top, Yeti from the shoulders down."*

Dolce & Gabbana hoodie, $489

It's a sweatshirt that was wearing a sweater when it (the sweatshirt) was exposed to gamma radiation, causing it, the next time it got angry, to rip through its sweater with a cry of "Rah! Sweatshirt smash!"**

James Long shirt, $1,235

"Wow, Aunt Mavis, this is really. . . a shirt. I had no idea you had taken your macrame hobby so far."***

Ancien Regime pants, $337.50

Bell-bottoms or knee-skirts? You be the judge.****

Stella McCartney jumpsuit and skirt, $9,950

It's not one, not two, but three hideous outfits in one! And all for no more than what you'd pay for a late-model used sedan!*****


*Apparently, the designer heard that shoulders were hot this year, and seriously misinterpreted.
**It's always a good idea to be wearing two sweaters, in case the first one is eaten off your body by a surprise swarm of high-speed moths, as this gentleman is demonstrating.
***"I'm so glad you like it. And you can save on closet space, because you can tie the bottom together and hang it in the living room with a plant in it!"
****And jury. And executioner.
*****The best part is that they're selling it as a wedding dress.******
******No, wait the even better best part is the suggestion that you "lose the skirt and rock the lace jumpsuit during the reception." You know, as one does.

Celebrity Cook-Off: Your Burning Questions Answered

It has recently come to the world's attention* that Food Network is planning to debut a new show, hosted by Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri, in which D-H level celebrities compete to see who can get the most screen time while preparing food. Naturally, you have some questions that need to be answered, and that's what I'm here for.**

Q: A show that combines the premises of "Dancing with the Stars" and "Top Chef?" Why hasn't this been made before now?
A: We believe that the program was actually created in 2007 and was accidentally transported to our time when someone dropped a sandwich on the Large Hadron Collider. The downside is that we think the Higgs boson went the other way, and now has a development deal with SoapNet.

Q: Could you use a photo of the hosts to illustrate every element a woman should avoid when choosing a pair of jeans?
A:

Q: What percentage of the contestants use the word "international" in their bios?
A: 50%

Q: In what percentage of the countries of the world, on average, would these "celebrities" be recognized?
A: 0.006%

Q: Is Coolio involved?
A: Of course.

Q: What is the predicted number of "munchies" jokes that will be made relating to Cheech Marin's presence, in the premier alone?
A: Our statisticians attempted to answer this question, but were forced to suspend their calculations when the computer they were using became suicidal.

Q: Which of the contenders includes in her bio the least impressive blow for gender equality ever made?
A: That would be onetime-Olympian-who-no-one-has-really heard of Summer Sanders, for this gem: "...becoming the first female game-show host on Nickelodeon by hosting Figure It Out..."


Q: How many of the contestants have starred in a direct-to-video movie about killer mutant bats?
A: One.

Q: Do any of the "charities" supported by the contestants seem to be transparent attempts by a once-famous performer to supplement his income?
A: "Joey Fatone will be playing for the Fatone Family Foundation. "All the money that we gather from different events and stuff that we do throughout the year we distribute to different children's charities.""

Q: He could actually be giving the money away.
A: True.

Q: But it does kind of sound like the "charity" is just his name on a bank account.
A: Charity begins at home.

Q: Is there now or has there ever been a human being more annoying than Guy Fieri?
A: Hard to say.


*I saw an ad for it last night.
**That, and cookies.

Shoefinder: Holiday Edition

Going to a holiday party this year? You're going to need some shoes. That's where I come in.

For the giant family gathering where you will spend most of the time chasing tiny nieces and nephews around the living room with a nerf gun, because you want them to revere you as the awesome aunt who is both fun and glamorous:

Vera Wang Lavender flats

If your sister-in-law gets annoyed, just point out that she could have fabulous shoes too, if she wasn't spending all her money on child-rearing. Then smile and say you hope they like the drum set.


For the gathering of high school friends/enemies you haven't seen in years, who may or may not still think of you primarily as the person who once slipped on a cafeteria tray and toppled six tables, domino-style, before coming to rest on a freshman (who was a good sport about it, considering):

Loeffler Randall "Zuri"

Fun and festive without trying too hard-- because even though everything else about you has changed, you still don't want people to think you care that much.


For a company party in a hotel ballroom, where everyone stands around talking about whether you'll get acquired and tries not to drink so much that the dance floor starts to sound like a good idea:

Salvatore Ferragamo "Davina"

They say, "I am restrained and professional, and also awesome. Plus, I have very good balance."


For a work party in the company cafeteria, where too much awesomeness would look out of place and you'd rather just be comfortable:

Sofft "Noral"

These are to the previous as Martinelli's sparkling apple juice is to champagne: Nowhere near as glamorous or fun, but sweeter and less likely to leave you feeling painful in the morning.

"What if I'm asked to take part in a beach assault with the Royal Marines?"

It's the first question* on anyone's mind when faced with the job of choosing a small hatchback. Fortunately, when the fine people at Top Gear do a road test, they do a road test.



*Followed closely by "What if I go to a shopping center** and get chased by baddies in a Corvette?
**Spelling adjusted for regional differences.

Shoesday: Let's Party

I really need to recharge my camera battery and stop using my cell phone for these.

In preparation for the holiday-shoes-you-should-buy-and-tell-me-about post I am planning for later in this week, I thought I'd share some party-ready boots of my own. These are Sigerson Morrison, from my recent, largely successful quest to buy up all of the shoes that were produced by the original owners/designers, before one of my favorite brands becomes an offshoot of Guess, black suede with handy belts to keep their shoe-pants from falling down. I admit they do not exactly scream "fancy holiday party"*, but that's okay because no one ever invites me to fancy holiday parties anyway.** But with sufficient application of imagination and/or eggnog, I think you could see these as Santa boots, if Santa joined a biker gang and developed an affinity for four-inch heels. And if that's not a party, then I don't know what is.



*Which is good, because that would be awkward in elevators.
**Sniff.

You Payed What? Manly Gift Edition

Because the Ugly Things For Rich People posts aren't really supposed to be about stuff that is just expensive*, but there are some items that are too stupid to not make fun of on the internet.**

Shipley & Halmos "beer sleeve," $2.50 for 6

By far the cheapest item I have ever posted, and yet, in its own way, the most insidiously stupid. Because yes, it is moderately amusing (the joke, if you can't read the printing, is that it is a paper bag with detailed instructions for wrapping it around a bottle of beer). And as gag gift prices go, two-fifty is not exactly breaking the bank. But that's not the point. The point is that because Shipley & Halmos is a fancy clothes designer, they are able to take some paper bags, print something moderately amusing on them, and sell them at a 30-fold markup. Because now they're fashion!

Best Made axe, $300

 This entire shop seems to be aimed at people who have either never heard of a hardware store, or are too afraid to go in them. Is shop class really that traumatic? Look, I am sure that this is a fine axe, just as I am equally sure that it is not 7.9 times better than this axe, which comes highly recommended by people who have actually used it to chop things. Of course, the sellers would argue that you just have to pay more for fine American craftsmanship than for imports from cheaper foreign countries. You know, like Finland.


*I try. I do not always succeed.
**It's the internet. That's what it's for.

Did You Hear That?

I'm not saying it's one of those kind of days when strange things come wandering out of the mist.

Then again, I'm not saying it isn't.